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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to 'protect' a newborn from smokers?

176 replies

jonsnowssocks · 23/05/2016 12:31

This is all theoretical atm, but am 8 months pregnant so will probably turn into an issue soon.

Lots of smokers amongst friends and family and I'm not sure how to handle them when it comes to visiting and holding the baby. Ideally, I'd ask anyone who has recently smoked to wash their hands, brush their teeth and change any smoky clothes before touching the little one, but would that make me just totally over-the-top precious about it? What would be a good compromise?

OP posts:
MangoMoon · 23/05/2016 13:18

Wash hands & wait a while, yes - I can't imagine anyone being arsey about that, and if they are then tough shit for them.

Washing hands, brushing teeth, changing clothes and waiting 2.5 hrs minimum (as mentioned up thread by someone) - very very OTT & precious.

LittleNelle · 23/05/2016 13:22

There's something wrong if you're not precious about a newborn OP, just do what's best for your baby.

SpeakNoWords · 23/05/2016 13:24

I guess I'd be ok with being judged as OTT and precious. The idea of cigarette fumes wafting over a newborn is grim, when it can be totally avoided.

Booboostwo · 23/05/2016 13:26

I am really surprised at the responses you are getting. I thought washing, changing clothes and waiting at least two hours were the minimum guidelines for holding a newborn. Luckily I don't have many friends/family who smoke and I said no to the ones who do when DCs were tiny.

BarbarianMum · 23/05/2016 13:26

Smokers didn't get to hold my babies, or smoke anywhere near them either. I can't imagine loving anyone enough to let them breath those chemicals over my newborns. washing hands isn't going to help, it's in the breath.

AdjustableWench · 23/05/2016 13:26

I'm a smoker (well, recent ex-smoker) and I would never want to hold a baby without washing my hands first.

It's not unreasonable to ask people to change their clothes, but I'm not sure how effective it is - after all, smoke gets onto our underneath layers too, and into our hair. All my clothes smell of smoke, even my clean clothes, because I smoked in the house (I notice this now I've quit). I think it will take months before the smoke smell goes away completely.

What are the risks of cigarette smoke to a newborn? This is something I don't know, and if I had a newborn I would want to know exactly what the risk was. I know there's an increased risk of cot death if either parent smokes, but does anyone know the actual risks to a newborn being held occasionally by smokers? Or is the risk mainly theoretical? (I.e. we know that passive smoking carries a risk, and therefore there must be some risk to a baby in the company of people who have very recently smoked.) I think if it were a very small risk I might be prepared to take it - I suspect it's a bigger risk to travel in a car with a newborn.

Whatever you decide, you're allowed to make your own decisions and if people think you're being precious, that's their lookout. They can make different decisions if/when they have babies.

hilbertspace · 23/05/2016 13:29

Can you make them wash their hands but also have a special blanket to put over their laps? You'd have to always have it the same way up. You could always use the same blanket for everyone and if anyone's particularly sniffy say it's in case of a sudden posset.

hilbertspace · 23/05/2016 13:30

Provided they'd also waited since their last cigarette that is.

If you think you can get away with it I'd just say no, full stop, though.

PiecesOfCake · 23/05/2016 13:31

There is no upside to 'normalising' the smell of cigarettes for a baby.

It would be easier to have a wash-hands rule and stick to it, than have a wash-hands, change, etc. and have everyone rolling their eyes at you and finally not bothering with any of it.

mumonarocket · 23/05/2016 13:33

Way, way OTT to have them change their clothes. Mad.

EmzDisco · 23/05/2016 13:36

My smoker friends and family were fine with changing into a clean top and washing hands to hold the baby, and some offered anyway. If for no other reason than I don't want my lovely new baby back smelling of fags, even if you don't care about health risks, or think worrying about them is over the top.

And one friend made a point of not smoking at all before visiting so he could cuddle the baby. And he is a pretty dedicated smoker!

Pretty normal request I think, most reasonable people would be expecting it I think.

Letsgetreadytorumbleagain · 23/05/2016 13:37

That is the advice you will receive from the hospital and health visitor - wash hands, change clothes and wait 2 hours....

Literally heard the health visitor say it to a relative last week.

If people don't 'bother with any of it' they can't hold the baby, simple.

SpeakNoWords · 23/05/2016 13:37

Why is it mad? Presumably the idea of second hand smoke fumes is something that you're not concerned about?

Surely it's not too much to ask of family and close friends, that they refrain from smoking and change clothes before they visit? It's not a big ask is it?

VestalVirgin · 23/05/2016 13:40

Asking them to change their clothes is totally justified. Smoke really clings to clothes, and anyone who doesn't smoke immediately smells this. Not sure how smoke-free clothes in a smoker household ever become, but one can try ...

The baby would be held very close to those clothes, so that's certainly an issue.

Same for brushing teeth after smoking if they want to get their breath anywhere close to baby's face.

coconutpie · 23/05/2016 13:45

YANBU or precious.

Firstly, anybody who holds a newborn should be washing their hands - non-smokers or smokers.

Secondly, a smoker needs to change their clothes, wash face, brush teeth and wait a good while before holding the baby. People who smoke absolutely stink afterwards. There's no way a newborn should be breathing in that awful stench. If they refuse, then they do not get to hold. No compromises. The health of your baby is far more important than somebody feeling precious over their smoking habits.

Flossiesmummy · 23/05/2016 13:47

I don't think that's unreasonable. I personally find everything about smoking full on disgusting. Obviously smokers don't, otherwise they wouldn't do it.

All babies deserve to be breathing clean air free from carbon monoxide, tar and nicotine. I don't think it's too much to ask that smokers refrain from smoking while they're visiting you or alternatively stay away from the baby.
The greatest risk from a smoker to your baby is the air that is expelled from their lungs post-cigarette; it is full of nasties for a considerable time afterwards, even if they clean their teeth.

You've spent a long time making this baby and if you're anything like me that's meant no caffeine, no alcohol, no soft cheese, no undercooked egg, no rare steak, no ibuprofen etc for nine whole months. Is it really so much to ask that another person refrains from smoking for an hour or two?

unimagmative13 · 23/05/2016 14:03

YANBU.

As a PP said about DH smoking, I make his life hard. It seems now a fag is an excuse to get out of doing stuff.

I posted about it and was told to get over myself practically as this was the man id chosen to be with.

DH had to wait an hour, wash face and hands, change clothes.

You bring harm to my child and I'll make your smoking life difficult as possible. Usually I make it so impossible that in the end he waits for DS to go to bed.

He was happy however to tell his chain smoking parents how it is, so we never visit their house. Their have rarely seen DS anyway so not a problem.

Smoking puts a baby at high risk of SIDS so if you can't grasp that you are at risk of killing my child then I don't want to know.

I find it really selfish that faced with this information that DH still tries to worm his way round it.

inlovewithhubby · 23/05/2016 14:19

I love this site but sometimes these threads are just bonkers. Anyone who touches a baby should be washing their hands coconutpie? Who on earth in real life with an ounce of sanity does that? You'd be a laughing stock, not precious first born. Just crackers.

Personally I think the change your clothes, brush your teeth, shave your head and breathe out 4006 times brigade are bonkers, but then I also think babies in your room for 6 months and cutting grapes up are similarly bonkers. For some people that makes me a negligent parent, but for others it means just normal (non-helicopter) parenting.

LittleNelle · 23/05/2016 14:20

Despite children dying choking on grapes, spending a few seconds cutting them up is bonkers Confused

inlovewithhubby · 23/05/2016 14:22

And I ate more sushi when pregnant than in the rest of my adult life, along with soft cheese, soft eggs, rare meat etc. If that had genuinely impacting health risks the Japanese and French would have died out centuries ago.

inlovewithhubby · 23/05/2016 14:24

Littlenell - thread on grapes a few weeks ago. Protestors could only cite one or two cases of choking on grapes in recent history. Also cited choking on bacon sandwiches and other stuff. For me, the risk is so minutely small that I refuse to adapt life around it and scare the shit out of my kids by thinking you might die at every mealtime/park trip/road crossing.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 23/05/2016 14:25

You might as well demand a DBS and vaccination certificate while you're at it.

molyholy · 23/05/2016 14:29

I wouldn't let anyone who stunk of fags hold my newborn baby and I enjoy a fag of a weekend with my wine when dd is fast asleep in bed, but hate the smell when it's on peoples clothes.

MeridianB · 23/05/2016 14:37

Totally agree with coconutpie - everyone should wash their hands before handling a newborn.

OP, do what makes you feel comfortable and don't let anyone make you feel bad about it.

jinglebellmel · 23/05/2016 14:42

Not unreasonable at all. We asked my sil to change her top and not smoke for a couple of hours before holding our then newborn. I was a bit concerned how she'd take it but she was fine. We put it that this was the NHS advice and we wanted to let her know as she was an important person is our son's life so we didn't want him to miss out on cuddles with her.

It's not a case of smelling of smoke or being precious, it's a case of increasing the risk of cot death.