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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at Inlaws for 'calling in' today

132 replies

OhDearMe2 · 22/05/2016 18:49

So today is my DM's birthday. For a few weeks we have had a nice day planned close to my home (My mum dad and sis travelled over to us) for lunch out with my DH and two DCs also went a nice walk etc. At about 4pm DCs got tired so DH said he would take them home and my sis went with him as was feeling tired (she's preggers). Anyway then my DM informs me that my Inlaws have just called DH to say they're in the area and will call in for a cuppa.

I'm mildly annoyed DH didn't mention it to me but to be fair I was not close by on the walk (split off for a bit) and I think was all a bit hectic. Anyway when I got home at 5pm Inlaws were there drinking tea etc and DH was then meant to go out (has cycle ride some Sunday eve). I don't mind at all because he looks forward to it all week! Anyway all a bit weird then as Inlaws are there with me and my sis and its 5.30pm and time to get tea and bed and I'm annoyed because they've basically just invited themselves over on my mum's birthday (which they knew). Mum and dad arrive back from walk slightly later as stopped to rest and house is then full and all v stressful getting kids to eat / bed.

AIBU to think they should just sod off home? It's 6.45pm on Sunday eve, my DH has missed his cycle ride (tried to go but turned around because he felt guilty 'as everyone is over') and I am now left feeling riled that my family have departed (they know that bed / bath / tea time is not sociable time for us) but Inlaws are just waiting for us downstairs to chat after kids in bed.

I could be annoyed with DH but they told him they were popping in for a cuppa for twenty mins. That was almost 3 hours ago!!

I like them but just think this is quite rude?! AIBU?

Also MIL is totally full of cold. She's not the sort to let this stop her but I am annoyed she has no qualms about cuddling my children even when Ill!!

OP posts:

KittensandKnitting · 22/05/2016 22:23

nanna IMO (which I am also allowed to have) you we're rude, and are quite aggrreseive in your responses if someone doesn't agree with you and IMO it is not very becoming.

if you DIL's are happy with your involvement then that of course is great for you and your family, to turn this into a post about how awful MIL are treated by
jumping to so many conclusions about the OP post is IMO unreasonable.

The OP wanted to celebrate her DM birthday with her family only, something she is allowed to do and her IL railroaded it to the point her family left early. Her MIL does things she does not feel comfortable with and the OP's MIL should respect these boundaries.

The OP wanted to vent which she is allowed to do.

Orangecookie · 22/05/2016 22:26

It's a tricky one, because sometimes it is nice to 'just pop in' informally. But never to stay 3 hours! And if you pop in you have to pick up on whether the hosts are up for it. Unfortunately a lot of people who pop in seem to fall into the 'completely thick skin' variety...

It is a test of assertiveness though. Practice it straight away! Literally as 'Oh SO nice to see you but I'm sorry it's a bit of a busy night on Sunday with everything to prepare' As you stand up - very important - to stand up expectantly. And then 'of course next time if you give us a quick text to say when you want to come over we could arrange a time that was a bit better... Thanks... BYE!'

GnomeDePlume · 22/05/2016 22:27

OP, YANBU.

You dont go through other people's stuff without checking first that your attentions are acceptable and even then you do it with caution knowing that the acceptance may not be wholehearted.

You dont turn up unannounced unless you are absolutely certain of your welcome.

NanaNina My MIL is long gone, and she was a little over bearing when I was a young mother so why have you decided to model yourself on her?

Kitsa · 22/05/2016 22:30

I love drop-ins and I love my MIL but goodness if anyone started doing my housework without checking with me -let alone did it after being asked not to - I would get hives! I'm a grown woman with a grown husband and we can do our own housework.

Horsemad · 22/05/2016 22:30

Nana I am seriously disappointed you did not see fit to teach your DS how to iron and send him out into the world a well rounded husband. Shame on you! You have failed in your Motherly Duty. Tsk.

LotsOfShoes · 22/05/2016 22:34

YABU - both you and your husband. Either of you could have very politely told them to go after their cup of tea. Or maybe just enjoy their company and celebrate your mum's bday together. Hiding out is quite passsive aggressive and you should both grow up really. Sitting there all angry and making your in laws feel unwelcome does no good to anyone.

Yukduck · 22/05/2016 22:36

horsemad I am also not a MIL yet but both my dc's have partners and my dd has a baby with her partner so I am a grandma. I am practicing to be a MIL and good manners, good timekeeping and good boundaries etc are all part of that.
I must admit I do tread very carefully by not assuming I can just "drop by", although both my future daughteril and sonil are lovely and we get on really well as a family. I do phone or text first, keep to times arranged, or wait for an invite. We tend to have Sunday lunch roasts once a month at our house which we all really enjoy, and no one outstays their welcome as all have work in the morning (and baby to put to bed) so it wraps up early around 7pm.
It is just the rest of my family I need to knock into shape re manners as some are like OP's MIL plus over opinionated and loud!

Wdigin2this · 22/05/2016 22:36

Wow, hot topic! For what it's worth I didn't actually say I wouldn't let my m-i-l near my laundrey basket....I said I wouldn't let anyone near it! I can't imagine anything more toe curling than the thought of someone, who doesn't actually live in the house, rooting in your dirty laundrey, no matter how well intentioned!
I am a m-i-l, a step m-i-l and I have a m-i-l...so I think I know what boundaries can be expected of m-i-l's and I'm certainly not a m-i-l basher!! And yes it is rude to turn up for a 20 minute cuppa, then stay for 3 hours, especially on a Sunday evening, whether you're the mother, m-i-l or Uncle Tom Cobley!

YouTheCat · 22/05/2016 22:39

The ils said they'd be round for 20 minutes for a cup of tea and then stayed for 3 hours. Whether you're related or not, that is very bad manners.

The OP and her dh shouldn't have to ask anyone to leave (seriously bad form to do that anyway) as they should have had their tea and been on their way. OP's parents left before the ils.

Having said that, the dh should have said no to start with if he knows they have form for this sort of behaviour, and maybe arranged to see them for longer next weekend to appease them.

GnomeDePlume · 22/05/2016 22:41

It is inconsiderate and intrusive to rock up when you know that your host has been entertaining for the better part of the day already. To then effectively demand that it is now 'your turn' by staying for hours is incredibly childish and selfish behaviour.

Horsemad · 22/05/2016 22:44

Sounds like you have it sussed Yukduck - I think you will make a fine MIL

Howmuchisthatdoggyinthewindow · 22/05/2016 22:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RainbowFlower24 · 22/05/2016 22:47

ohdear totally understand you not wanting them to do stuff to 'help' in your house. My PIL do this. Hate it. Just leave our laundry alone.

myownprivateidaho · 22/05/2016 22:48

Yabu for not just saying you're tired

RainbowFlower24 · 22/05/2016 22:50

And I love my in laws and am delighted to see them at regular mutually agreed times

IWILLgiveupsugar · 22/05/2016 22:51

Nana, I think you sound like a lovely mum and grandma. Importantly though, you and your sons/dil are on the same wavelength regarding what you consider appropriate.

The world is divided into 2 sorts of people, those comfortable with people popping in unanounced and staying for hours and those who hate it. 'Poppers in' need to be sensitive to the cues of people who don't like it.

When I have plans I don't want them messed up by other people.

dailymaillazyjournos · 22/05/2016 22:57

I think 5.30 on a Sunday evening isn't a great time to pop in. A lot of families are getting ready for kids tea/bedtimes and for Monday morning. I think it was up to DH to point out it wasn't convenient to visit then.

It's a bit unaware to decide that's a good time to visit and a bit daft of DH to agree to it, since they did phone first.

I grew up in a family of popper ins and I know it did my Mum's head in as the popping was always to suit the popper, and whether it was convenient for the poppee, was never a consideration.

IWILLgiveupsugar · 22/05/2016 23:00

It is very hard to get kids into bed when the house is full of guests. They want to stay up and be sociable but they have school the next day. It's much easier if guests go home before bedtime.

minesapintofwine · 22/05/2016 23:01

I have to say but I agree with nana

Op I think yabu in that it doesn't seem (to me) your inlaws have done anything wrong.

However, the things that annoy you is up to you and your Dh to let them know about.

My inlaws like to turn up unannounced at odd times and stay late. It used to bug me but now I'm just glad to have them in my life and to be able to see them at all. I realise that sounds a bit martyr like sorry!

I would just enjoy the peace another night instead..

Wdigin2this · 22/05/2016 23:16

I can't get my head around the fact, that some posters don't think it's rude to, a) pop around for 20 mins, and stay 3 hours, and b) go through another woman's laundrey basket!!!
I knew a m-i-l (not mine) who used to go around to her d-i-l's house a couple of times a week, just as she was leaving for work! She used to say, 'you get off and I'll whizz round with hoover' etc then she proceeded to move the furniture around, clean out the fridge, cooker and cupboards, and even on one explosive occasion, rearranged d-i-l's wardrobes!!!
Unsurprisingly, she is no longer this woman's m-i-l!

38cody · 22/05/2016 23:17

I'm more pissed off that she touched your laundry!

Duck90 · 22/05/2016 23:22

3 hours is far too long to visit, unless invited round for dinner, or for the evening. How they are related is irrelevant to me.

Did she go into your bedroom to find the laundry? That would annoy me, as it would be untidy, and I'd rather no one saw it.

minesapintofwine · 22/05/2016 23:24

widgin you're right, that mil sounds like a total bitch

In all honesty though, it's obvious how different views can be. None of the aforementioned behaviour involving housework and popping in etc would bother me at all. It seems the majority disagree but at the end of the day it's up to the dc to set boundaries.

LotsOfShoes · 23/05/2016 08:56

Wdgin it's not necessarily that I don't think it's rude to just pop by and stay for as long as you want but these aren't random guests. If my MIL popped by, I wouldn't think of her as a guest I am entertaining, just family i.e. they can help themselves with stuff, give us a hand, and can also be honestly told when they need to go bc they're interfering with the evening routine. I think the OP is being unreasonable by not saying something and just sitting there angry and hiding

nonline · 23/05/2016 09:26

I identifly pretty much completely with OP's feelings. My ILs are great, but a little too present and helpful at times.

My parents instilled certain beliefs/traditions/routines in me which I therefore consider 'normal', same for OH and ILs. When those things clash, obviously he defends them; I defend my view. My parents can sit around doing little and I can enjoy their company; ILs have to be busy - which means finding 'helpful' things to do, which I consider intrusive. They will come I without knocking; my parents wouldn't dream of it, etc.

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