To be annoyed at Inlaws for 'calling in' today

[OhDearMe2]

So today is my DM's birthday. For a few weeks we have had a nice day planned close to my home (My mum dad and sis travelled over to us) for lunch out with my DH and two DCs also went a nice walk etc. At about 4pm DCs got tired so DH said he would take them home and my sis went with him as was feeling tired (she's preggers). Anyway then my DM informs me that my Inlaws have just called DH to say they're in the area and will call in for a cuppa.

I'm mildly annoyed DH didn't mention it to me but to be fair I was not close by on the walk (split off for a bit) and I think was all a bit hectic. Anyway when I got home at 5pm Inlaws were there drinking tea etc and DH was then meant to go out (has cycle ride some Sunday eve). I don't mind at all because he looks forward to it all week! Anyway all a bit weird then as Inlaws are there with me and my sis and its 5.30pm and time to get tea and bed and I'm annoyed because they've basically just invited themselves over on my mum's birthday (which they knew). Mum and dad arrive back from walk slightly later as stopped to rest and house is then full and all v stressful getting kids to eat / bed.

AIBU to think they should just sod off home? It's 6.45pm on Sunday eve, my DH has missed his cycle ride (tried to go but turned around because he felt guilty 'as everyone is over') and I am now left feeling riled that my family have departed (they know that bed / bath / tea time is not sociable time for us) but Inlaws are just waiting for us downstairs to chat after kids in bed.

I could be annoyed with DH but they told him they were popping in for a cuppa for twenty mins. That was almost 3 hours ago!!

I like them but just think this is quite rude?! AIBU?

Also MIL is totally full of cold. She's not the sort to let this stop her but I am annoyed she has no qualms about cuddling my children even when Ill!!

[NanaNina]

My last post.........and I have a few posters agreeing with me........woop de do!! Of course I get the posters telling me I'm rude without giving any evidence of that, and that I'm aggressive just because I don't agree with people. Projection, projection, projection - what about all the posters being sarcastic, nasty to ME because they don't agree with me!! I am always amazed at how this seems to totally bypass their thinking.

Notice the OP hasn't been back - she's probably made herself ill after all the stress of the ILs drinking TEA

[Lymmmummy]

I have had similar style things happen - just generally MIL and Sil not respecting boundaries

Yes it's easy to demonise them - and yes they are at fault - but you know what I really learnt after several years of this type of stuff?

It was actually DH fault for not addressing with them the need to respect boundaries - of course like all men he would just like to shrug any such issue off as "women not getting on" as for the tenth time of my asking him to have a word he just would ignore the situation and let them continue

Point is - the issue is with the way in which your DH has led MIL to believe she could pop in - it is for him to tell her "no sorry not in that day my wife has a separate family event" rather than absenting himself by going off doing something lovely for himself like his bike ride. Leaving you to deal with the mess

[RiverCambs]

YANBU.

I hate things like this. Sometimes I give my OH 'the look' but he can be so bloody aloof at times he doesn't get it at all and I end up having to say something (not to PIL - I love them, just to other people in general who invite us to do things).

People who outstay their welcome really grate on me

[FarrowandBallAche]

Remember that YOU will probably be the bastard MIL one day.

Think on eh.

[Yukduck]

Farrowandballache I think you have touched on something there (not wanting to de-rail the OP's thread).
Loneliness is the worst thing for older people, and MIL's tend to be of the older generation. They have brought up their children and are "redundant", their input not really asked for, and probably not versed in the new modern ways of childcare for when grandchildren come along.

That is why I tread a very careful path and, so far touch wood, my company has been much appreciated (and also my Sunday roast gatherings at our house which gives my dc's and partners a break from cooking!). I think in-laws have a tougher path to tread as they will have come from a different era, and different way of child raising or keeping house and can get it so horribly wrong sometimes.

My dsister thinks it horrendous that you should have to text or phone ahead to see if it is ok to visit. She just turns up, outstays her welcome, and is gobby and domineering.

I can see both sides. I feel for the in-laws but also like anyone visiting me to let me know when and how long they are likely to stay!

[KittensandKnitting]

Ok nana I will take the bait, I was the PP who said IMO you were rude. What you said to Ethel was at best condescending I suggest you have a look in the dictionary for the meaning of self respect! disagreement is one thing, being so oblivious to others and being rude to put your point accross is IMO not very becoming.

So let's look at this another way. Does the other MIL in this case not get to have her birthday with her family? Maybe she wanted to spend her birthday with her daughters, SIL and her grandchildren? Maybe she wanted cuddles with her grandchildren.

The OP has never said she "hates" her PIL, quite the opposite, she has never said there not welcome just that she would like notice before they "pop in"!she was a bit miffed they turned up in her mums birthday but that wasn't the issue, not really.

The issue was her PIL, came for "20 mins" stayed for three hours, took over, went through her laundry basket, OP wanted to settle her DC and felt she couldn't, caused her parents to leave, stopped her husband from doing his usual bike ride on a Sunday and generally interrupted their Sunday evening.

[KittensandKnitting]

SIL - Son in Law

[PrimalLass]

Oh they are poor buggers indeed - I call in on them and do a big shop if they are at work and not much in the fridge

Nana - I'd be severely pissed off if you did this in my house. It is overstepping the mark by a country mile.

[NanaNina]

Ah well my DIL is very happy when I do this as are my teenage grand children (a big shop) it's horses for courses isn't it - for you Primalass you'd be severely pissed off , but that's not the case for my son and DIL. Money is a bit tight and they appreciate this gesture.

So it might be "Over stepping the mark by a country mile" for you but surely you recognise that we are all different and the way we interact in our families is different.........No?

Kittens yes I accept that was rude what I said about the dictionary and self respect, but there have been many rude posts to me and I can't be arsed to go back and pick them all out.

To be honest whatever I say I think someone is going to jump on me (see post above about the shopping) and when I mentioned I did the ironing for one of my DILs because she has a bad back and son is reluctant to do it, I was jumped on for "not teaching my son to iron" - when I'd explained that he does the cooking, shopping and gets the kids bathed and put to bed every night.

It's Tuesday today - anyone want to argue with that??

[RiverCambs]

Oh they are poor buggers indeed - I call in on them and do a big shop if they are at work and not much in the fridge

Nana - I'd be severely pissed off if you did this in my house. It is overstepping the mark by a country mile.

Weird thing to get annoyed about It's a kind and generous gesture and nothing more or less.

[Bolograph]

It's a kind and generous gesture and nothing more or less.

Well, unless the Ocado van comes that evening.

[PrimalLass]

Weird thing to get annoyed about  It's a kind and generous gesture and nothing more or less

Or making a point, or disrupting meal plans, or filling the fridge full of stuff no one wants, or meaning that the online shop that was ordered has nowhere to go.

In my own house I would be very offended if someone decided I needed that sort of 'help'.

[Nanny0gg]

Loneliness is the worst thing for older people, and MIL's tend to be of the older generation. They have brought up their children and are "redundant", their input not really asked for, and probably not versed in the new modern ways of childcare for when grandchildren come along.

How old do you think most MiLs are for goodness sake? We're not all in our dotage even if we're retired. (or 'redundant' as you so delightfully phrase it)

[Bolograph]

MIL's tend to be of the older generation

Mothers in law who have grandchildren who are babies are probably aged between 50 and 70. They are baby boomers, born after the war, who were small children when rationing finished if they had been born at all, and probably got excited by the Beatles or the Bay City Rollers. As a definition of "the older generation" that's pushing it pretty hard.

[Yukduck]

NannyOgg No offense intended I assure you! Maybe I was just feeling my age. I am just 60 so maybe a little older than you.

[IWILLgiveupsugar]

Agreed. We are not talking always talking about 90 year olds who may be the last survivors amongst their group of friends. My mil had a more active social life than I did.
When I am a mil I will remember that my dc's house is not my house - I will try to remember what bugged the shit out of me when I was the dd/dil and not do the same to my kids.

[NanaNina]

Oh FGS I have known my DIL for over 20 years and my son well all his life! I think I might just have picked up their likes and dislikes in food over the years...........and NO Primalass I'm not disrupting meal plans nor "filling the fridge with stuff no one wants" and they don't do on line shops. And I'm not making a point. We know you'd be offended but they're not - they like it - can you not accept that?? No? Does everyone have to think like you!! Thank you for your post River and there is certainly no Ocada shop I can assure you Bolograph

My grand-daughter is on exam leave and rang this afternoon to ask if I would bring some M & S food when I was over tomorrow, and YES I do know what they like! It actually gives me a great deal of pleasure to do this, as I know they can't afford M & S food, but some of you are hell bent on continuing to criticise me - says more about you than me!

[PrimalLass]

Does everyone have to think like you!!

That's hilarious, considering your penchant for on coming onto threads and criticising 'you DILs':

Sorry but I'm so sick of you DILs being so horrible about your ILs and they can't do right for doing wrong - "doing things - how dare they, sorting your washing FGS. I feel so sorry for so many PILs and for their sons who are married to women who just don't really accept his parents.

It's not about accepting someone's parents. It's about, as an adult who left her parents' home in 1992, being able to run my own house without someone interfering. Which my MIL wouldn't do, as she is nice and knows I'd hate it.

[IWILLgiveupsugar]

Nana to be fair there are a heck of a lot of parents/ILs who don't seem to know or care what their dc's preferences are and stamp all over their boundaries.

[KittensandKnitting]

nanna I wasn't attacking you, I hope you don't think I was? you asked why someone had said you were rude so felt it was fair to justify my comment. Actually I think it shows a strength of character to admit you were in fact a bit rude.

Moving swiftly on:

I think to be fair to nanna and I said it before if you have DIL's or even SIL's who are happy with whatever arrangements you have then good on you. If they were not then I would hope you would accept that and stop doing whatever she/he didn't feel happy about. I think I felt a little frustrated that it seemed all DIL who like space or have boundaries were being tarnished at MiL haters :)

My arguments were and continue to be about boundaries and for me I would not want my MIL or my mother going through my washing uninvited (don't think they would) but for me that's a step over the line.

My brother and his DP, would proberly say crack on and let my mum do the entire housework for the month if she offered! who are very lazy IMO

[NanaNina]

I give up with you Primalass - have it your own way. Yes I'm an interfering old bitch - I only fill the fridge because I'm worried there won't be enough food for my son. Happy now? And don't mention that washing basket - I'm in there seconds after I let myself in - because I'm trusted to have a key...............imagine that!

One thing puzzles me: A DIL comes on with an OP about her MIL. Lots of DILs pile in to tell her she is NBU - then a MIL comes on and criticises the DIL..................then the DILs pile in to castigate the MIL (usually me) and try to find fault in anything I say. And then when I ask if everyone has to think like them, they find it hilarious considering my penchant for coming on threads and criticising you DILs - the inference here is that I don't have the right to come on these threads - and what about your penchant (along with a pile of other DILs) to pile in and insult me. Anyway I've done with you as I say.

Kitten No I didn't think you were being critical but it wouldn't matter if you were. It's usually water off a duck's back.

I will - yes I'm sure. This is a 2 way street and there are lots of DILs who are very rude to their MILs. I have friends who have such DILs and one poor woman is actually frightened of her DIL, as is her son!

OK I've had enough with this silly thread. I think the OP left a long time ago!

[Onlyicanclean10]

As a mil myself I think the most important thing to understand are boundaries and what is ok with one person and not ok with another.

One of my dils bites my hand off with help with all sorts snc that's great while the other is far more self reliant and I love and respect them both equally.

Am sure Nana equally understands her family dynamics.

[KittensandKnitting]

I think nana that like you most people will base their responses on their own personal experiences. Some may be going through very heated experiences and vent with wild abandon!

And sometimes, it does come across that because your DIL's appreciate your support and help, that every other DIL is a PITA. To tell an OP they are wrong in their assumptions or how there feeling is a little frustrating.

I have had two "MiL" one from a LTR of 15 years and my DP mother.

My first "MIL" was horrendous, she used to rearrange my fridge and bathroom cabinets (I am super neat and tidy and my fridge is spotless) she would critize my clothes my hair I had a fringe cut once and she looked at my hair and told me "well at least it makes your face look healthy" when I asked her what she meant she said "well you know fat"

So when I found her in my cupboards and fridge rearranging things I asked please don't do that and she shouted "fine" at me she then threw a fit and I mean a fit! Akin to a tired 2 year old - Sobbing into the arms of my boyfriend about how wicked I was.

My current MiL is a pleasure to have in my home and I love her to pieces. There are things we do not agree on but that is ok because we are very different people.

It's not always black and white and if people within a family respect each others boundaries then on the whole I think it's going to make a nice dynamic for the family as a whole IMO.

What I would find interesting nana is of your DIL said "please don't do that" would you respect that?

[PrimalLass]

Nana, if you are always this obtuse, then maybe your DIL isn't as happy with it all as you think.

As I've already quoted, your first post was piling in, generalising about horrible adults wanting a say in their own home DILs.

Sorry but I'm so sick of you DILs being so horrible about your ILs and they can't do right for doing wrong - "doing things - how dare they, sorting your washing FGS. I feel so sorry for so many PILs and for their sons who are married to women who just don't really accept his parents

I now think you are just on a wind up. I really like my MIL, and my late FIL. I just wouldn't want them doing my grocery shopping or raking through my knickers, and would find it an enormous invasion of privacy. I wouldn't want my own mother to do it either. You know, because it's my house.

[Patterkiller]

My ILs arrived at 9.20pm last Tuesday and left at 10.45pm. Surprise! 😳

They are serial over stayers and arriving at odd times.
Over the years I have become very blunt with them and it had become somewhat better until last weeks visit. I worry about their retirement. Again not slagging them off, just their inability to have empathy for other people's lives.