To be annoyed at Inlaws for 'calling in' today

[OhDearMe2]

So today is my DM's birthday. For a few weeks we have had a nice day planned close to my home (My mum dad and sis travelled over to us) for lunch out with my DH and two DCs also went a nice walk etc. At about 4pm DCs got tired so DH said he would take them home and my sis went with him as was feeling tired (she's preggers). Anyway then my DM informs me that my Inlaws have just called DH to say they're in the area and will call in for a cuppa.

I'm mildly annoyed DH didn't mention it to me but to be fair I was not close by on the walk (split off for a bit) and I think was all a bit hectic. Anyway when I got home at 5pm Inlaws were there drinking tea etc and DH was then meant to go out (has cycle ride some Sunday eve). I don't mind at all because he looks forward to it all week! Anyway all a bit weird then as Inlaws are there with me and my sis and its 5.30pm and time to get tea and bed and I'm annoyed because they've basically just invited themselves over on my mum's birthday (which they knew). Mum and dad arrive back from walk slightly later as stopped to rest and house is then full and all v stressful getting kids to eat / bed.

AIBU to think they should just sod off home? It's 6.45pm on Sunday eve, my DH has missed his cycle ride (tried to go but turned around because he felt guilty 'as everyone is over') and I am now left feeling riled that my family have departed (they know that bed / bath / tea time is not sociable time for us) but Inlaws are just waiting for us downstairs to chat after kids in bed.

I could be annoyed with DH but they told him they were popping in for a cuppa for twenty mins. That was almost 3 hours ago!!

I like them but just think this is quite rude?! AIBU?

Also MIL is totally full of cold. She's not the sort to let this stop her but I am annoyed she has no qualms about cuddling my children even when Ill!!

Was waiting for nana to drop in (pun intended)
YANBU OP.

Oh god Nana dfod with your nonsense.

And the moral of the story is DON'T BECOME A MIL!!!!!

No, I think the moral of the story is respect people's boundaries rather than trample all over them!

They did at least phone in advance, so an opportunity was missed to put them off till another time, but a 20 minute cuppa extending into a 3 hour visit is unreasonable, never mind the rootling in the laundry basket!

Before they had kids my brother and SIL used to come for Sunday lunch and still be around at 7pm, it used to drive me bonkers. I would do kids' tea, bath and bed and they wouldn't get the hint. I like them, I didn't want to be rude or kick them out, I just wanted them not to overstay a welcome.

NanaNina feels strongly on this issue and has for a long time, I've seen her share that perspective on many threads in the past. However turning this thread into a well intentioned poor MiL living with the debatably disadvantaged position of being a second class grandmother (see attached notes) and having every innocent gesture misinterpreted and rejected by a DiL who wishes to write her out of the family's life - sets up a bit of a straw man. It isn't the situation the OP is describing, it isn't the issue. This straw man does tend to pop up a bit reflexively just on sight of the word MiL, and often dies slowly under dramatic, black and white thinking comments like 'I hope you're raising daughters', and 'one day you'll be a MiL and then you'll be sorry'.

The DiL's issue is that on a day her PiL knew was planned to spend with her parents they chose to make their own visit as well, it resulted in the OP's parents leaving early and the OP having the PiL sitting in the house for 3 hours while she needed to do bathtime, bedtime, they were not tactful about noticing they weren't picking the best moment to turn their 'pop in' into a long visit, and her DH was out and not able to help entertain. Unless she's Pollyanna I can see she needed to vent here and it wasn't a fun experience for her! Why are her feelings less valid than theirs? She didn't set out today to inconvenience them?

Being a MiL has nothing to do with it. Being inconsiderate and oblivious to social cues does.

Nananina I suggest you take a long hard look at these replies and consider your views.
As for asking what is so private about someone's dirty laundry. Wtf! The idiom exists for a reason!
I have a difficult MIL but rest assured she does at least have enough self respect to not go rifling through my dirty knickers.
Honest question, do you invite yourself to do the laundry for friends? Do you have such low self respect that you would be ok with a friend going through yours unasked?

Each to their own I guess. My In-laws are always welcome, as long as they call first, as yours did. Even more so if it's a happy occasion like a family birthday. I would not expect my Husband to ask for my permission for his own parents to pop in, and I don't ask for his when mine come over. My kids love to see them, my parents love to see them, and so do I.

OP, your In-Laws phoned ahead, your DH said it was fine for them to pop round, so they did. If their is any fault here it's his. To get rid of them you do not need to be rude. A quick..... "It's getting late." always works for me.

Ah well I see my fan club are out in full force! Someone asks me if I missed the bit where DH "didn't like it" but all I read is that DH was irritable. The more I read the OP the more I can't believe it - WHAT is weird about the ILs sitting in their son and DIL's house drinking tea and her sister is there as well? All this talk of OP's mom's "special day" - she's not 5 is she, and I think 5.30 is the time her special day would be drawing to a close - no?

Out of curiosity OP can you say what would have happened if your parents wanted to "pop in" when your ILs were visiting. Would DH have expected you to put them off because his parents were visiting? No he probably wouldn't dare!

I'm mildly amused that posters often stress that I have "popped up again" - another thread was "oh she turns up on these threads" so what's the difference between my posting and DILs posting. I see the same names on these threads (although some are missing tonight) but I think they will be along later.

Another favourite is to tell the DH/DP to "grow a pair" and "put his parents in their place." And if anyone is thinking of telling me that I'm not giving MILs a good name, don't bother because there is a complete lack of awareness that DILs are not giving themselves a good name.

Rumbling I think you are having a stab at a very well written post with good use of language, but I disagree with you of course. There's no straw man at all and yes I do go on MIL threads sometimes - do others not go on sites they think could be interesting - and there is no black and white thinking (strange concept) so your efforts to de-mean me are unsuccessful. I have every right to go on any thread I wish and give my opinion.

And why you have to use a whole paragraph to what happened I don't know. It's very obvious what happened. The damn ILs had the temerity to "call in" and at 5.30 when the DIL got back they were still there, drinking tea when they should have been shown the door by their son an hour or so ago. AND the OP's sister was with her so it was weird they were sitting there and they stayed............The OP's parents did not have to leave early as you claim (please stick to the facts) - they called in to rest after the walk. Another issue you have wrong - the OP's DH was not "out so he couldn't entertain" - he went out on his bike ride but turned back because "everyone was over" - it might be better if you take more notice of the facts that trying to write clever posts.

Wow *Ethel - that's told me. Please don't talk to me like I'm under 5! I certainly don't intend taking a long hard look at the replies and considering my views thank you!! I've read many such posts believe me and I consider each post and respond or not as the case may be.

I'm a little bemused at your notion of self respect being related to a washing basket!! I suggest you have a look in the dictionary for the meaning of self respect!

All this thread shows is a total lack of clear communication between the parties involved. I've always been rubbish at 'reading the cues' so personally I appreciate direct talking.

DH should have just said no, it's not convenient when MIL rang. She didn't just turn up, did she? She telephoned beforehand.

When OP felt they'd outstayed their welcome, she could have said, 'It's been lovely to see you but I need to get on with x,y and z shall we come to yours next Friday?' whilst handing them their coats.

WRT the washing basket, OP should have stopped MIL immediately with 'I prefer to sort the washing out myself thank you'.

But then, that's how I like to do things and other people prefer to smile and enjoy a good moan privately afterwards.

Nananina you still haven't answered my question.

Let me guess, DIL is NC?

Crushedninjas that is far to rational and sensible a solution

nanna whilst of course you are entitled to your own opinion to be rude to someone who has a different opinion to you is not very becoming.

it is quite clear that most people would not appreciate someone going through their dirty laundry, and that people are not "out to get" MIL have just said that in this case boundaries have been crossed in their view.

Cor Nana, I bet your DILs love you, the poor buggers!😁

I'm not certainly not demeaning you, NanaNina, nor intending to. I'm just not agreeing with you. A straw man is substituting a misrepresentation of what someone says instead of what they were actually saying and then attacking that misrepresentation. Your post mentioned 'I suspect your DH didn't tell you they'd phoned and is irritable because he can feel the tension because you don't like his parents "calling in" - I'm sure it would be ok if your parents called in.' There's no mention of this in the OP, it's a misrepresentation of the the situation the OP is talking about, and rather a harsh one to the OP.

The OP mentions in her posts that she felt her parents left earlier than they would otherwise have done. Thanks for the hint about facts but I won't derail the OP's thread or get in the way of her getting support for the actual situation she wanted to talk about. .

This would only bother me if the talking was stopping my DD from falling asleep. Otherwise I quite enjoy anything that helps fill the void between 5 and 7. It always drags for me. Having said that, my DP and DPIL are always gone by the time I come back downstairs. If they were hanging around I would be convinced they needed to tell me something and if feel worried. But I tend to catastrophise things!!

Did they reveal anything when you went down?

Sorry I didn't answer your Q Ethel - NO I certainly don't offer to do the laundry for friends - why ever would I? I might make a cup of coffee or help a bit in the garden as I did this afternoon. DIL is NC? I assume you mean "no contact" although I'd never heard of this concept before I used MN. Nah I'm in contact with all 3 of my DILs and my sons and my gorgeous grandchildren. One is doing GCSEs and I shall be over there tomorrow with some goodies to help the revision along and I MIGHT even still be there when my son and DIL get home from work - shock horror!! And furthermore I might be having a cup of coffee but I promise I won't go near the washing basket - hang on, now I come to think of it I've often taken washing out of the tumble dryer and put it on the line. Is that OK. DIL seems to think it is............

Kittens do tell me where I have been rude. Have you noticed rudeness in any other posts?

Horsemad Oh they are poor buggers indeed - I call in on them and do a big shop if they are at work and not much in the fridge, I take the dog out, and as stated above I have been known to take washing out of the tumble and put it on the line. I sometimes iron for DIL No. 2 as she's got a bad back and my son claims he can't do it - hmmmmm. I meet my grandchildren from school and give them their tea on 2 days a week, and I can still be there when DIL gets home - imagine that AND drink coffee and can stay till the traffic's calmed down, AND you might find this hard to believe it would be fine if I wanted to stay over. DIL 3 and son 3 are in another country so of course visits have to be planned but I know we are always welcome.

My MIL is long gone, and she was a little over bearing when I was a young mother, and she wasn't really my kind of woman - she didn't have any sense of humour but she was very dominated by her husband, and I think she'd have been so much happier if it weren't for him. I always stayed on good terms with her, all through the years and she was always welcome at our house. I supported her as she grew old and frail in the last couple of years before she died.

I was brought up to have good manners and to put others before myself, and my parents modelled that by the way they treated people. Pity some of you DILs didn't learn the same lessons.

Incidentally I have noticed 1 or 2 posts telling the OP she is unreasonable - now there's a thing!

This happened to me once earlier in the daytime and I just scooped ds up and went out for the rest of the afternoon. They were all driving him bonkers.

I'm not a MIL yet but if/when I become one, no way would I be crashing a get together for my DIL's mum! How rude!
I keep my family very separate from my DH's and that's how I like it.

Also Nana, I'm interested to know why your DS couldn't iron - didn't you think to teach him?

Irritating though they may be at least your Inlaws like you enough to visit and must feel welcome by you to stay so long for a cuppa - I mean 3 hours, really??! A bit weird the helping with the washing but ok, maybe MIL was trying to help.
The sad thing was your own birthday mum leaving early. Maybe you can do another day with your own parents to make up.
I have strange relatives too, opinionated, mouthy and demanding. At the end of the day dh and I try not to let it come between us. I used to get upset by relatives overstepping the boundaries/welcome/giving opinions about my parenting/wifely skills, but these days we move on quickly and just do something nice ourselves to make up for their crassness.

OP hope your DM didn't feel pushed out on her birthday. It is a minefield managing different family relations.

As an aside, I would be genuinely mortified if my DP's mum, or my own mum, popped round and starting sorting my washing. I do not want anyone sorting my smalls

Ah well spotted horsemad something you can criticise about me. No my son doesn't iron and no I didn't teach him because my DP has always done the ironing and he didn't teach him either, or our other 2 sons. The non ironing son shops, cooks, deals the baths/bedtime etc. Is that OK?

I don't get why OP's parents had to leave early because of the ILs. Did they not have enough chairs? I haven't read that they left early but I'll take your word for it - but when we say "early" - this must be around 5 or even later. They'd been out to lunch and had a nice walk and so isn't 5 a reasonable time for OP's DM to wind down her "special day" - I honestly can't get over all this special day business like she was 5. Ridiculous.

Nanna, you're never going to win here... Mumsnet law is MILs are the worst, have you not read this thread?

She sorted your laundry? Just... took it upon herself?

What's next - opening and reading your mail?