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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at Inlaws for 'calling in' today

132 replies

OhDearMe2 · 22/05/2016 18:49

So today is my DM's birthday. For a few weeks we have had a nice day planned close to my home (My mum dad and sis travelled over to us) for lunch out with my DH and two DCs also went a nice walk etc. At about 4pm DCs got tired so DH said he would take them home and my sis went with him as was feeling tired (she's preggers). Anyway then my DM informs me that my Inlaws have just called DH to say they're in the area and will call in for a cuppa.

I'm mildly annoyed DH didn't mention it to me but to be fair I was not close by on the walk (split off for a bit) and I think was all a bit hectic. Anyway when I got home at 5pm Inlaws were there drinking tea etc and DH was then meant to go out (has cycle ride some Sunday eve). I don't mind at all because he looks forward to it all week! Anyway all a bit weird then as Inlaws are there with me and my sis and its 5.30pm and time to get tea and bed and I'm annoyed because they've basically just invited themselves over on my mum's birthday (which they knew). Mum and dad arrive back from walk slightly later as stopped to rest and house is then full and all v stressful getting kids to eat / bed.

AIBU to think they should just sod off home? It's 6.45pm on Sunday eve, my DH has missed his cycle ride (tried to go but turned around because he felt guilty 'as everyone is over') and I am now left feeling riled that my family have departed (they know that bed / bath / tea time is not sociable time for us) but Inlaws are just waiting for us downstairs to chat after kids in bed.

I could be annoyed with DH but they told him they were popping in for a cuppa for twenty mins. That was almost 3 hours ago!!

I like them but just think this is quite rude?! AIBU?

Also MIL is totally full of cold. She's not the sort to let this stop her but I am annoyed she has no qualms about cuddling my children even when Ill!!

OP posts:
gerbo · 22/05/2016 19:29

Agree with Hassled - ask your dh to speak to them and ask for a little notice before they come over or to arrange it in advance.

YADNBU.

Enjoy your wine....

RaspberryOverload · 22/05/2016 19:48

Jofo Sun 22-May-16 19:23:27
Do you think that maybe they have something important to tell you and that they are waiting until the DCs are in bed and you are free to talk?

If that was the case, it could have waited at least one day, and they could have called to say "we need a talk". OP says the PIL already knew this was OP's mum's birthday, so they knew it wasn't a good day.

Personally, I am wondering if it's evidence of a competitiveness from the PIL. Why phone to say they're popping in and then staying? Right in the middle of a planned event?

NanaNina · 22/05/2016 19:48

Dear god - I can barely believe this.........I suspect your DH didn't tell you they'd phoned and is irritable because he can feel the tension because you don't like his parents "calling in" - I'm sure it would be ok if your parents called in. Sorry but I'm so sick of you DILs being so horrible about your ILs and they can't do right for doing wrong - "doing things - how dare they, sorting your washing FGS. I feel so sorry for so many PILs and for their sons who are married to women who just don't really accept his parents.

Yes MIL probably is jealous that your mother gets to see so much more of the kids and why wouldn't she - they are her grandchildren just the same as your parent's grandchildren.

And NO I'm not a disgruntled MIL as I am fortunate enough to have lovely DILs and they would even let me sort their washing except I can't be arsed!! One poster says her MIL would never get near her washing basket - WTF - what's in there, that's so private.

NewLife4Me · 22/05/2016 19:50

Your dh is the problem here, why aren't you mad at him?
he should have said you were busy and spending time with your mum on her B'day.
He has no right to be in a mood, it's his parents, he should tell them.

AgentProvocateur · 22/05/2016 19:55

The bastards! Phoning first, cuddling their grandchildren then helping with the housework on a Sunday night. How very dare they?! Hmm

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 22/05/2016 19:58

nananina you quite clearly missed the bit where it says OPs DH didn't like this either. But don't let that get in the way of you bashing the OP. I can't imagine many people want anyone sort g out their washing. I certainly wouldn't, regardless of who it was.

OP YWNBU. Big difference between popping in for a 20 minute cuppa and staying for 3 hours over tea/bedtime on a Sunday night! I don't want anyone here at those times, ILs or not.

Next time your DH will have to tell them it isn't convenient as you are busy, which you were.

WriteforFun1 · 22/05/2016 19:58

your DH should have said no really but I suppose he thought they'd be 20 mins?

also I hate it when people come by and have a cold. Naff off already. Why spread it around?

DonkeyHotay · 22/05/2016 20:08

Hate pop ins. DH's friend pops in on Sunday evenings to fill a gap between dinner at his mums and the pub. As far as he is concerned I know he is coming so it isn't a pop in. I've asked him not to, I've stopped inviting him over at all. We are too busy having dinner, homework then bath so I don't answer the door.

Your poor mum, it sounds like they wanted to join in with your afternoon. Your DH should have said you were busy and arranged a better time to see them.

CrapDIL · 22/05/2016 20:09

Oh for the love of god Angry

So ILs "drop in", outstay whatever welcome they may have had, piss both op and her DH off and intrude on op' mum's birthday? Yet the op is the one to be bashed?

Yeah, ooooookkkkkkkk.......Hmm

KittensandKnitting · 22/05/2016 20:10

YANBU

nanania some people value their privacy and I can't think of many things more personal to me than my dirty knickers. I wouldn't want my own mother in my washing basket let alone my MIL - and to be honest I doubt they would want me to go routing about in theirs either.

Sunday nights are extremely precious in my view and a three hour visit when already doing something with the OP's own parents isn't on, even if they are the nicest people in the world.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 22/05/2016 20:11

How often are your inlaws allowed to spend time with their grandchildren?

Do the rules apply to both sets of parents? Because your poor husband has had to spend his entire Sunday with your lot, who I'm sure are absolutely perfect people, but I can't think of anything worse than spending the day not only with my MIL but with my "preggers" sil.

ethelb · 22/05/2016 20:12

Some serious projecting going on here.

Forget the IL relationship here for a second, say you had agreed to celebrate a bday with a friend and another friend invited themselves over KNOWING you were seeing someone else, on the pretence that they were coming for 20 mins and stayed for three hours. That wouldn't be ok would it?!

IWILLgiveupsugar · 22/05/2016 20:13

Nana it us not unreasonable to want to go ahead with a planned event and not have oeople invite themselves round and settle in for 3 hours! Maybe the ILs would be more welcome if they didn't impose on pre existing arramgements.

And it is also not U to not want other people going through your laundry. It shows a lack of awareness for boundaries.

I love my own mum to bits, but I wouldn't want her going through my stuff.

fabulous01 · 22/05/2016 20:14

My in laws are same. I now escort them out of house..... Say thanks for coming and will see them soon .... Mine are a nightmare and I could write a book!

EmzDisco · 22/05/2016 20:15

I'm sure OP would feel the same whoever it was popping in for 20 mins as not leaving until 3 hours later when they've got guests already and all the usual family stuff to get done!

And not sure why being a MIL means it's somehow normal to go to people's houses uninvited and start doing their housework. Wouldn't do it to friends or neighbours surely?! If I started doing laundry in other people's houses they'd think I'd gone mad. Fair enough to offer to help, and do it if offer is accepted, but otherwise just strange.

Catmuffin · 22/05/2016 20:16

I hate pop ins.

EmzDisco · 22/05/2016 20:18

Exactly Ethelb imagine if friend then not only gatecrashed the party but then started going through your washing basket!

KittensandKnitting · 22/05/2016 20:18

ethelb agree, it really wouldn't be ok! The IL came in and took over, and if it was me I would be equally annoyed if it was my mother doing this :)

sometimes I just love the fact that all our family members live a good 2-3 hour drive away Grin so they can't just "pop in"

Longtalljosie · 22/05/2016 20:19

NanaNina - you get it's her mum's birthday, right? Of all the days, really? I am very fond of my SIL, we have a great relationship. I wouldn't dream of pitching up while she was catching up with her mum.

And if Mumsnet teaches you anything it's that MILs should be very certain that doing laundry would be a welcome gesture before they do it. You can't insist someone is grateful for something they'd rather wasn't done.

EmzDisco · 22/05/2016 20:21

Not just MILs, anyone! If you want to do someone else's laundry make sure they actually want you too. Whoever you are!

UmbongoUnchained · 22/05/2016 20:23

nananina

My MIL was nice to me once. I was FURIOUS.

Yanbu OP that's super annoying. I'm very glad my PIL live in Russia as tbh, they're fucking terrifying.

BonitaFangita · 22/05/2016 20:23

And the moral of the story is DON'T BECOME A MIL!!!!!

KittensandKnitting · 22/05/2016 20:24

No the moral is who ever you are ask someone if they would like you to help them do XYZ and if they say no, accept it!

diddl · 22/05/2016 20:26

"I could be annoyed with DH but they told him they were popping in for a cuppa for twenty mins."

And he let them!

And hasn't told them to leave!

zozzij · 22/05/2016 20:27

YANBU what cunts go no contact