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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Selfish husband or me being unreasonable?

83 replies

Karlakitten1 · 22/05/2016 12:07

We have a 6 month old baby and I am coming towards the end of my maternity leave. My pay has stopped now and I just get the maternity allowance until I go back in 5 weeks. HB is buying himself suits and shoes and other nice things, while I don't have any work things that will fit. He also moans if I go out, despite me paying for it on a credit card I will pay back once I have more money again. He does very little in the house, well, nothing actually, leaving me to do it all. He says he makes sure the bills are paid, but they all come out by DD and until this month have paid half of the mortgage, bills, etc. He doesn't appreciate anything I do for him or our LO, he rarely offers to change a nappy etc and has never done a night feed. Just feel a bit used and needed to vent...am I being silly thinking he is selfish and lazy or is this just what all men are like? He hasn't cooked once since LO came along. I feel like a nanny, not a wife! There are also lots of other thinga that bug me, but the other main one is the name calling if we have an argument...things like dickhead and cunt are said and I hate it.
Not sure if I should leave him, if I try to talk about the housework or money, he gets angry, ends up shouting and I back down in tears having been sworn at again.

OP posts:

ThoraGruntwhistle · 22/05/2016 12:09

No, that is definitely not just what men are like. It's what somebody nasty and useless is like.

ilovesooty · 22/05/2016 12:10

I would be using the rest of maternity leave to look at your options for getting rid of him.

EquinoxBloom · 22/05/2016 12:11

It's not you, it's him.

Mine was like this. I left him.

What does he say if you confront him or call him out on his behaviour? Is that when the names start?

NeedACleverNN · 22/05/2016 12:15

Nope he's selfish and not what most men are like

littledrummergirl · 22/05/2016 12:19

Nope, he sounds like a selfish arse.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 22/05/2016 12:22

No, you shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour.

As he's not helping you out financially at all at the moment - maybe you could invoice him for his half of the childcare cost? Seeing as you still being at home is saving £hundreds per month on nursery fees? Actually, has it been decided who will be paying for childcare once you are back at work?

Original poster

Karlakitten1 · 22/05/2016 12:28

No not decided who will pay childcare...thinking of doing the tax free vouchers thing to save a bit. I'm sure if I invoiced him he would go mad. Yes, that is when the swearing and shouting starts. He knows he is wrong as he has admitted it before, but that doesn't mean anything if it keeps happening.

OP posts:

Original poster

Karlakitten1 · 22/05/2016 12:30

By going out I mean to meet a friend for lunch or something similar...not out in the evening, as he is always too tired from work for me to leave her with him. He would do it but I would feel guilty.

OP posts:

foodiefil · 22/05/2016 12:44

He's a tit.

Can you talk to any family?

He needs to be told his behaviour is appalling. Why the hell should he have new suits if you're struggling on basic mat pay?

Iknownuffink · 22/05/2016 12:51

He needs a reality check.

If you do his laundry and meals stop immediately. It will only get worse when you go back to work.

Do not allow him to treat you as a doormat.

Many, many marriages fail because of his type of behaviour.

JapaneseSlipper · 22/05/2016 12:53

Christ, there are some awful marriages out there.

OP, do you really think this is normal? IT ISN'T. IT IS NOT NORMAL. There are better men out there. So far today, I let my husband lie in til 8. He then got up, walked the dog, came home and looked after the baby while I pottered about, then put dinner in the slow cooker, and fixed a broken drawer in the kitchen.

Please do not accept this any more.

JapaneseSlipper · 22/05/2016 12:53

Sorry post above doesn't make sense. Was trying to illustrate that a partnership involves both people contributing, helping the other, picking up the slack.

LumpySpacedPrincess · 22/05/2016 12:57

He's lazy and controlling and very, very selfish.

When you go back to work will he start pulling his weight then or expect you to continue to do it all?

Hawkmoth · 22/05/2016 12:59

No. All men are not like this. Marriage is a partnership. Looking after a baby is equal work to that outside the home, if not harder.

Where is the respect? I really feel for you. This is supposed to be a special time where you enjoy your baby, not worry about paying exactly half of all the bills and being afraid of verbals.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/05/2016 12:59

This is not what all men are like. Also, I can't understand couples who marry, buy houses together and have children yet don't share any finances. Are you a team unit or aren't you?

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 22/05/2016 13:03

Three things:

DH and I are very very sweary people. We are wind up merchants and have very silly senses of humour so will swear at each other as part of that. Conversely you can tell when we've fallen out as we are scrupulously polite with each other. We have had some humdinging arguments over the years but he has NEVER EVER called me a bitch, cunt, slag, whore, cow - or any other expletive commonly used to put down a woman. IT IS NOT OK TO CALL YOU NAMES.

Why is it his money and your money? You are married and have a child together. Does he expect you to live on fresh air? Income is family money for you all. If he has a problem with this then you are at a disadvantage because it is likely that he links your income to your worth - i.e. if you aren't earning then you aren't contributing.

He doesn't do anything in the house. Why not? Does he see this as your job? Does he think it is beneath him? He lives there and it's his child too, ergo he should pull his weight. You are looking after a child, which is a full time job in itself - you don't get to clock off at 5pm, so he should be helping you.

When you take into account these 3 things he sounds like a selfish misogynist arsehole. In your shoes I would leave because life is too short to spend it trailing round after a sexist twat who thinks your sole reason for breathing is to raise his offspring and clean up after him.

ShebaShimmyShake · 22/05/2016 13:06

Cheap with money, cheap with love. I've never ever seen an exception.

LittleMissBossyBoots · 22/05/2016 13:07

OP this is not what all men are like. I have a 3 year old and am a SAHM. My DH prioritises me and DS over himself. He would be ashamed if he had nice new clothes while his wife went without. I've really struggled with tiredness and sleep issues since DS was born and DH does everything he can to make my life easier. Today, like many times before, he's taken DS off for the afternoon so mummy can sleep.

You deserve so much better.

nutbrownhare15 · 22/05/2016 13:16

It's not normal. My husband took the baby as soon as she woke up this morning because he knows I had the worse night. I do all night feeds as it's easier but he helps with everything else. Nappies are always his job when he gets home as I do them the rest of the time. You should be a partnership. Looking after a child is much harder than a 9-5 job. He should be helping you when he gets home and giving you a break on weekends. And name calling is unacceptable. I would talk to family and friends about this and also write him a letter explaining why his behaviour is unacceptable and that if he doesn't change you will be leaving. Good luck xx

nutbrownhare15 · 22/05/2016 13:23

Ps it's also our money as we're a family. I spend whatever I like and now our smp has ended he is paying for all family expenditure out of our joint account. I do a bit of part time work which pays for my private expenditure but if I needed money for anything he would transfer it no questions asked.

Italiangreyhound · 22/05/2016 13:23

Yikes, he sounds awful. You are married and have a baby together but he owns his money and spends it as he likes and you put your expenses on a credit card to pay once back at work. It looks like you do all the cooking and the vast majority of the childcare. When you discuss things or disagree "...he gets angry, ends up shouting and I back down in tears having been sworn at again."

Why not call Women's aid or email them and find out what they think about the situation. To me it sounds like your relationship is quite abusive and you are not getting much out of it at all.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

To me he sounds controlling and verbally abusive, lazy and unpleasant. Was he always like this? Did this start when your little one arrived?

Certainly, what you describe is not normal, or acceptable IMHO.

Italiangreyhound · 22/05/2016 13:25

PS If you contact Women's aid please cover your tracks and get advice.

Has he ever hit or hurt you? If you feel threatened, physically or verbally please tell someone and take advice to keep you and little one safe. If he is not physically abusive he is still behaving a massively selfish and controlling manner.

Wdigin2this · 22/05/2016 13:26

Do you want your DC to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour between a man and wife? It's not, he's a selfish, nasty piece of work! Get out now, you'd be better on your own with your baby....and make sure you get a legal settlement for child maintenance!

DavidPuddy · 22/05/2016 13:30

What you describe is the opposite of my husband. Do not accept this as default male behaviour.

AlMinzerAndHisPyramidOfDogs · 22/05/2016 13:35

Your DH is a fucking twat.
now is the time to plan on binning him.
he'll only get worse - they never get better, his sort....

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