Selfish husband or me being unreasonable?

[Karlakitten1]

We have a 6 month old baby and I am coming towards the end of my maternity leave. My pay has stopped now and I just get the maternity allowance until I go back in 5 weeks. HB is buying himself suits and shoes and other nice things, while I don't have any work things that will fit. He also moans if I go out, despite me paying for it on a credit card I will pay back once I have more money again. He does very little in the house, well, nothing actually, leaving me to do it all. He says he makes sure the bills are paid, but they all come out by DD and until this month have paid half of the mortgage, bills, etc. He doesn't appreciate anything I do for him or our LO, he rarely offers to change a nappy etc and has never done a night feed. Just feel a bit used and needed to vent...am I being silly thinking he is selfish and lazy or is this just what all men are like? He hasn't cooked once since LO came along. I feel like a nanny, not a wife! There are also lots of other thinga that bug me, but the other main one is the name calling if we have an argument...things like dickhead and cunt are said and I hate it.
Not sure if I should leave him, if I try to talk about the housework or money, he gets angry, ends up shouting and I back down in tears having been sworn at again.

This is not normal OP, please don't accept it as "all men are like this", they really aren't.

Apart from anything, your LO should not be exposed to his/her father shouting at his/her mother, this is very damaging to a baby and I speak as one who knows.

Sorry, I don't mean permanently damaging, unless it is ongoing.

You're not unreasonable, your husband is abusive. Normal men don't treat their wives and partners like this.

Your child is still young enough to not remember any of this if you stop it. This isn't normal and you'll find yourself happier on your own.

You're doing everything anyway and money gets sorted out in the end. Even if you're not in the zone to think about seperating, at least look into your rights and what kind of road you can take so you're armed.

No, this is not all you can expect from men. Not at all.

It's not just what men are like, please don't think that. I had my first baby last year and my DH is the opposite of how you describe your DH.

Your not being unreasoanable, yes your the one on maternity leave but that doesn't mean all cooking for example Falls on you why can't he cook on his day(s) off. Same goes for housework.

You say you pay for things on a credit card is this because he won't share his money with you? In a marriage I believe money from both partners is shared. He has no right to moan when you go out and buy a few bits if you can pay back the credit card, especially when he buys himself new shoes and suits.

Shouting at you when you try to talk to him about these things is not how I expect a grown up to behave.

Any relationship should be an equal partnership

Thank you everyone...I know it's not normal deep down but question myself. My parents know we have these arguments, it is much better than it used to be. I have nearly left before, about 5 or so years ago. He threw the entire contents of my wardrobe down the stairs, a few times and I packed and went. He text and said if I went I could never come back. I wanted to salvage it so I went back. I've told him I'm not happy before, but nothing changes. He told me if we split I am not taking our dd and he will fight for custody on the grounds I'm a terrible mother...but funny how he tells me I'm so good with her and he loves to see me being mum and she has the best mummy ever.

He sounds horrible. However I think you are extremely unwise to be putting trips out on a credit card in such a precarious situation.

When we had the kids DH spent all our spare money on me buying pretty maternity clothes, flattering postnatal clothes, hairdressing, spa days and treatments, babysitting and cleaning help, meals out for us and special baby gadgets to make life as easy and happy for me as possible (and by extension him). I think this is quite normal. It would not be normal to struggle on alone and keep the finances separate.

It's a card that has 0% on purchases, so I will be paying it back once I'm back at work. I want to still see friends etc and have managed my finances up to this point. I really don't want to just stay in the house, particularly when HB gets in every night from work, has his tea and then goes to either continue his work or chill out/sleep. Sounds sad but I get very lonely and these little lunch dates are what is keeping me going.

Ahhh 'custody'. The rallying cry of every single selfish abusive twat who wants to exert every last ounce of possible control over a partner who has finally twigged that they deserve better.

He can't even be bothered to cook, clean and look after himself, so pray tell exactly how is he going to look after a baby? You know he won't, so think about this logically: If he currently doesn't bother his arse to help then why would he sign up for doing it solo? He has no intention of being a full time single parent; the only reason he's thrown that one out there is to put the fear up you, to make you fall back in line.

The best response to I'll go for custody is just to look at him in amazement and then laugh. Say nothing, just laugh.

She's 6mos and you're her primary carer. Try not to worry but instead remember that a man who cared about you wouldn't stoop so low as to use a child as a weapon against you. It shows how little he cares about her best interests.

Ugh, he sounds horrid. Reminds me a little bit of a friend's husband who told her she was only "allowed" to have a baby if she paid for everything to do with the child - and held her to it. He's a real prince . We never managed to persuade her that he was abusive and controlling.

This is definitely not normal. My DH begged me to buy some nice clothes to cheer myself up after mat leave, does all the cooking when he got into the habit when I was pregnant with horrible morning sickness. Even though we've had the occasional humdinger of a row, he has never sworn at me. I'm sorry.

BTW once you have got legal advice and got your ducks in a row, then leave when he isn't there. Set up an email address which is specifically for contact matters only and if possible, arrange contact visits at a relative's house so that they can supervise and you won't have to be there.

He is a twat.

Many men do half or more of home and baby stuff. My DH is a Deputy Head, he makes me tea and toast in bed before he goes to work, rings and texts to see how me and DS are, DS is his responsibility when he comes home almost entirely- baths him, reads to him, does half the getting up at night to him. He loves me going out and him and DS being left to it. He cooks meals, cleans up, does shopping, sorts the cat out.

There are much nicer men than your DH- most of them in fact. Please don't but up with his horrible treatment and lack of respect for you. Long term it will impact on your DD who will think this is what to expect from a man.

FFS, not another one. MN is literally crawling with stories of these losers at the moment. OP get rid of this twat. Seriously, life is too short.

Yes. But you will still be paying it back. Potentially when you are in a financially precarious situation if you split. You need to think about whether that night out is going to still be worth it if you're on a single income and the repayments mean you and DD have to go without something much more essential somewhere down the line.

Even if it's 0%, this is not a good situation to be running up credit card debt.

OP he sounds awful. Not all men are like that at all. This morning my husband got up with our 8 year old and played with him, made me breakfast in bed, walked the dog and hung the washing out. When I get home from work tonight he will have dinner ready for us all and the house will be tidy.Tomorrow when he is at work I will do the bulk of household stuff but we are a team and share the joys and the daily grind.
You can do better and deserve better.

Sorry OP I was particularly inarticulate about the harm to your dd from hearing these rows.

My dgd's father screamed at my dd in front of their two-month-old baby and as a consequence they split up. The baby was literally angry for about two weeks afterwards, then it passed and she became a very tranquil and easy baby again. This is the type of damage I am referring to. If they hadn't split up I imagine we would have thought that being angry was part of her personality and that she was a difficult baby.

Op

Do you really need to ask if this mans actions are acceptable?

Are you that far gone that you cannot see how abusive he is???

You need to call women's aid and they will help you out with the rest.

You are not mental, you will not lose your child and you are a good person.

He, on the other hand is mentally abusive, will lose his child and is a bad person.

If you took your baby today, to your mothers house and stayed there he could do nothing, zilch, nada

YANBU. He is being abusive. It's a good suggestion from others to contact women's aid.

The swearing is appalling. He is trying to stamp you down into a mush. You will end up feeling tiny and useless.

He sounds similar to mine actually but I don't think mine is as bad. Mine is living in a 1950s time warp, where women do all the housework, childcare and cooking and men go to work, pay the bills and do the odd bit of DIY or lawn mowing at weekends. Only thing is, I'm not in that time warp, so I also work. Mine is very grumpy and shouts at me, although he has never sworn at me, he just raises his voice constantly. I think it's a jealousy think. When my DD1 was born, that was the first day of his life that he wasn't the Centre of attention. His mother died about 2 years before she was born, and in her eyes the sun shin out of his bum.

This is definitely not normal behaviour or like that of a man who has a new family. It is more normal for men to be helping out more around the house where they can, and I cannot believe he has not even made you a meal since having the little one. I'm sorry.

The name calling is totally unacceptable and I feel really sad for you. You really don't need to put up with this, or feel on edge all the time and to be watching what you are saying. It's emotionally exhausting. It doesn't seem like this can be a very happy situation at all.

Your last sentence says it all, you cannot have a reasonable conversation with him about this, and him ending up angry is wrong. I would agree with others re contacting Womens Aid, even if it is just to talk things through with them.

Stay strong, and you are most definitely not being unreasonable.

Feel so stupid having put up with this sort of behaviour for years but just think "what the heck would I do on my own?". I don't want my LO to go without and don't want to be on my own. I know this sounds pathetic. We've been together for 13 years and married for 2. Feel a bit stuck and just need to be brave about it. But I don't feel brave!

This is not normal. He somehow hasn't realised (or is fighting the realisation) that he now has additional responsibilities and family life is different.

A normal husband would do what mine did:

• Pay for everything once I was no longer receiving a salary.
• Cook, clean, do the laundry etc - not all of it (though he did most the first 3 months), but more than half as I was shattered.
• Do night duties.
• Make sure you have time to yourself. Force you to go out with friends, for a massage etc.
• Always treat you with love and respect. Swearing and name calling is NOT okay. We rib each other but never name-call or swear AT each other.