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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Selfish husband or me being unreasonable?

83 replies

Karlakitten1 · 22/05/2016 12:07

We have a 6 month old baby and I am coming towards the end of my maternity leave. My pay has stopped now and I just get the maternity allowance until I go back in 5 weeks. HB is buying himself suits and shoes and other nice things, while I don't have any work things that will fit. He also moans if I go out, despite me paying for it on a credit card I will pay back once I have more money again. He does very little in the house, well, nothing actually, leaving me to do it all. He says he makes sure the bills are paid, but they all come out by DD and until this month have paid half of the mortgage, bills, etc. He doesn't appreciate anything I do for him or our LO, he rarely offers to change a nappy etc and has never done a night feed. Just feel a bit used and needed to vent...am I being silly thinking he is selfish and lazy or is this just what all men are like? He hasn't cooked once since LO came along. I feel like a nanny, not a wife! There are also lots of other thinga that bug me, but the other main one is the name calling if we have an argument...things like dickhead and cunt are said and I hate it.
Not sure if I should leave him, if I try to talk about the housework or money, he gets angry, ends up shouting and I back down in tears having been sworn at again.

OP posts:
Hastalapasta · 22/05/2016 15:02

You can be brave, he cannot take your DD, can you give somewhere safe?
Woman's aid is a good place to call. And no, men are not like this. Most are lovely!

Originalfoogirl · 22/05/2016 15:03

LO is already going without. He is choosing to make LOs mother miserable, whilst not acting as a father should. You are already on your own. Being on your own in a different house, is just a different way of finances.

Step 1. Remind him this isn't the 1950s
Step 2. Tell him you want to split.
Step 3. Leave (or throw him out depending on who's house it is)

The rest will sort itself out, nobody should stay in your situation and thousands of people make it work alone.

If this were a new development I'd maybe consider trying to make it work, but you had a child with a man who doesn't value you. Who acts as a bully and expects you to mother him and be "perfect housewife". Any man who sees his partner buy things on tick to pay back after maternity leave, whilst continuing to spend on himself is a selfish prick. He does not see this as a partnership, he sees you as a lesser person than him, a lesser person than you are.

However hard you think it will be to be alone with a baby, it won't get any easier to be alone with a toddler or a teenager.

Dogolphin · 22/05/2016 15:09

You might find you are financially better off without him!

BonitaFangita · 22/05/2016 15:10

Ain't that the truth Doillius Is this the "I'm a fucking sorry excuse for a man weekend" or what?
Karla You're already doing most of this on your own, you just have the added pleasure of an abusive, lazy and ungrateful oaf to put up with while you're doing it.
Your husband's behaviour is not normal or acceptable but unfortunately according to MN it's not all that uncommon.
It's up to you to decide what you want to do, now mignt not be the ideal time and it may take a while for you to get yourself in a position to leave. But if he isn't even willing to discuss the situation then you have to ask yourself if you or your daughter deserve to live like this?

PhoenixReisling · 22/05/2016 15:34

He is a bully and he will never change.

I personally, couldn't bring up my daughter and let her think that this was what a loving relationship is.....

Name calling
Bullying
Emotional abuse
Financial abuse

Like PP have said, if he won't discuss anything. Then ask yourself what really is the point in staying together?

Atenco · 22/05/2016 15:45

It is frightening to consider changing the status quo, but this situation can only get worse as you get beaten down by it.

As Bonita says, it might suit you to make separation a plan you work towards or you might prefer to just stop it right now.

Jenni2legs · 22/05/2016 15:51

It sounds like such a tiring life, just logistically things sound like they'd be easier just you and your baby.

gamerchick · 22/05/2016 15:52

They always threaten to take the kids, always! They may even start the ball rolling but usually always give up.. They don't want the kids, especially if they weren't interested before.

BillBrysonsBeard · 22/05/2016 15:54

It will seem scary now, the thought of being on your own.. And yes it will probably be a bit shit for a while.. But then it will get better. Life is too short to put up with being bullied and not valued. Seriously, you get one life... Your daughter can grow up with a happy mum.

notapizzaeater · 22/05/2016 16:05

What would you do if your dd came and told you her DH was doing this ? You'd be horrified and telling her to get out. Why is this any different ?

Original poster
Karlakitten1 · 22/05/2016 17:33

Just talked to him, he could tell something was wrong, so he asked and I said it was ok, it didn't matter. He eventually got it out of me about me feeling like a nanny and about money and him helping more. He says about the money side that he paid for most of the things in the house (true), my point is that he had most before I moved in and has a lot more savings (inheritance) and disposable income than me. He does have a big job on the house done a year...boiler,windows, guttering etc. He usually uses money earned from exam marking that is an extra to do it, or savings. I'm not great with money, but do pay half of bills, mortgage and holiday/ house type things like insurance. Anyway, turns out he is on the verge of losing his job and it's my fault as I nag him when he gets in. I do a bit but usually after he has been asleep for a few hours after his tea.

I mentioned about making a meal...he said he has as he has got breakfast (cereal/ toast) and lunch (sandwich). He knew what I meant, am I being thick, if someone said meal...it means hot evening meal right?

He is unhappy too (I knew this anyway) and he says we should split. Might be for the best but I feel like an awful wife, like I've not helped him enough and put too much on him. FEEL AWFUL NOW!

OP posts:
Original poster
Karlakitten1 · 22/05/2016 17:34

...and he says I can have DD.

OP posts:
Pearlman · 22/05/2016 17:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

positivity123 · 22/05/2016 17:49

It's not your fault that he might lose his job
Don't let him put that on you. You are not awful, you've done a he'll of a lot more for him than he has for you so don't accept that.
You both sound pretty unhappy. How are you feeling now you've talked it through?
Honestly you deserve to be treated better than he treats you

Pearlman · 22/05/2016 17:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LaContessaDiPlump · 22/05/2016 18:01

He wants to split and has agreed you should have DD? Pardon me for saying op, but that's bloody brilliant. Best result you could hope for in this situation really - a non-aggressive ex-to-be who wants the same end situation as you.

SquinkiesRule · 22/05/2016 18:11

He's losing his job because you nag him when he gets in? Seriously? He's grasping. Nagging is just what a lazy ass calls it cause he didn't do the reasonable thing asked of him in a timely manner.
He wants to split, do it. He then cannot blame you for his failings in life.

Many years ago my Dh used to play the blame game.
Then I turned it on him and made him see how stupid it sounded. A friends told me how to do it.
It was raining out, he did the big sigh about rain. I said "OMG it's raining I'm sorry" He looked confused, I said, "well everything is my fault in our lives apparently, so I'm doing the preemptive sorry. Save you bothering to blame me as usual"
He didn't say much but the blame game trailed off to not hearing about me being to blame anymore.

Original poster
Karlakitten1 · 22/05/2016 18:32

Thanks again everyone, at least he didn't go ballistic, he was really cold and wouldn't tell me anymore about work and that it was none of my business(?!). I said I couldn't help if I didn't know and would have encouraged him to stay later or work in the evening more if I had known, and not asked much of him until he was on his feet again with his job. His response was that I wouldn't do that as I don't even care that he is tired after being at work! Now I feel doubly guilty.

OP posts:
DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 22/05/2016 18:36

Oh lovey you need to take a step back and have a long hard look at him.

It's all your fault because you haven't been a good little wifey - CHECK

It's your fault he's going to lose his job because you've nagged him - CHECK

You can take DD because it will be far too much like hard work to be a parent - CHECK

FFS he is a lazy bastard. You 'nagging' him has naff-all to do with him losing his job. His behaviour and competence at work is all him, not you. Notice how none of this is his fault? It's all emotional manipulation and blackmail designed to make you feel bad. He knows it will make you feel like shit; that's WHY he is doing it. Walk away from this overgrown tantrumming man child and thank your lucky stars that you won't be wasting any more of your time listening to his bullshit.

DailyMailAreAFuckingJoke · 22/05/2016 18:40

Karla - does he care that you are tired? Does he care that you are going without because you don't have any money because he expects you to keep paying 50% of everything despite you being on mat leave? Does he care that you are running around after him whilst he sits with his feet up? What about the fact that his working day is 7/8 hours and when he comes home he does fuck all - when are you 'off the clock'?

WAKE UP. He is turning the emotional screws to deliberately make you feel like shit, because he thinks this will make you all apologetic. That you'll bend over backwards so that he can have you back where he wants you: Running round after him and not complaining about the fact that you do everything. His nice comfy little set-up is being threatened, so he is trying to put you back in your box.

Don't engage, don't debate and don't expect him to behave fairly. My best advice is tell him nothing and get yourself a bloody good lawyer.

Atenco · 22/05/2016 18:42

Result!

He's losing his job because you nag him when he gets in? Seriously?

The connection here is tenuous, to say the least! What this statement does show is someone who refuses to ever accept responsibility for his own actions.

My grandmother was like that. My mother said that if she was in the house alone and dropped a teacup, it was your fault because she was thinking of you at that moment.

Original poster
Karlakitten1 · 22/05/2016 18:53

It's because he has lots of work to do at home, I know he does (both teachers, both HODs), so the adapting to life as a parent ( and he has MH issues, as do I (anxiety). TBH I've not been sleeping as I am worried about going back to work with the workload, and he knows he will have to pull his weight more when we are both working. He's gone upstairs to work while I make tea, and he seems fine as he is applying for a job back where his parents live (I said I would move if he wanted to). Either he has completely forgotten the we should split talk or he is going on his own!

OP posts:
Original poster
Karlakitten1 · 22/05/2016 18:54

Meant to put adapting has been hard x

OP posts:
BonitaFangita · 22/05/2016 19:47

Karla I really think that it is best for both of you to take a break or even better to end the relationship for whatever reason he's not able to stand up and be the husband and father that he needs to be, and he's taking his frustration and inadequacies out on you.
I'm sorry he's not able to take a responsibility for himself but that doesn't mean that you have to tiptoe around him trying to make things better.
I know things will feel bad before they get better but you really are worth it Flowers

Gide · 22/05/2016 19:56

He's emotionally abusive and teaching? Poor bloody kids. Leave him, you'll be better off for it. Have you got childcare sorted? So you're going back to work before the summer holiday then will have 6 weeks to sort yourself out.

Don't let him make you think any of this is your fault, it's not. He sounds like a nasty piece of work. How can his being about to lose his job have anything to do with you? How the hell does he cope with exam pressure if he can't cope with coming home to a wife and daughter? I know it's a hard time of year, but come on, coming home is his down time, which btw, does not mean doing fuck all, it means spending lovely time with you and your DD.

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