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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"He won't be as handsome as my son. Never mind." Gutted by comment from random woman

173 replies

1Potato2 · 21/05/2016 20:58

On Friday I went with Dd and 4 month ds to the library to kill time. Random woman in her early 70s starts chatting about wishing he will live as long as her relation (104 apparently) and finished off with the comment in the title. I didn't process this at the time as I was keeping an eye on Dd and ds was threatening to poop. It has bugged me since. :(. He's a lovely smiley chap and can't help thinking wtaf?! Anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:

shinynewusername · 22/05/2016 07:47

I have a very big friend who works in home care for the elderly and constantly gets her size remarked upon in a way that just isn't socially acceptable in other contexts

People in care homes say all sorts of things to me, including "you're too young to be a doctor", which is definitely delusional . People in care homes are highly likely to have memory disorders including dementia. People living in the community in their early 70s are mainly (despite the MN belief that > 70 = dementia) fit & well, many of them are still working, huge numbers are doing childcare for MNetters and -as a PP said - if they are rude, it is probably because they are jerks.

mynamesnotMa · 22/05/2016 07:53

Perhaps she has early onset dementia.
Perhaps her son really is the best looking specimen to walk this planet.
More likely she thought she was being funny.
Either way I would be more annoyed I didn't get in a well he didn't his looks from you then boom boom.

YvaineStormhold · 22/05/2016 07:54

My great grandma used to say "There's only one beautiful baby, and every mother has it."

I'm sure that's what she meant OP.

KathyBeale · 22/05/2016 07:56

I think she was joking and it's not worth getting upset about. People say things like that all the time "oh your children are gorgeous, not as gorgeous as mine of course... blah blah".

I am very blonde. So is my smallest child. When he was a baby lots of people would ask me where he got his blondeness from. It used to make me laugh because they were looking at me, with my blonde hair, as they said it.

It's just small talk. It matters not one bit.

bearleftmonkeyright · 22/05/2016 08:01

Absolutely right shiny. My dad is 77 and a regular poster on Facebook. He quite often posts things that are funny but I don't always get. A sort of convoluted humour. He definitely doesn't have dementia and is very fit and well and cycles regularly, up to 50 miles in a day. My Mum is also. I also don't get the assumption that over 70s are decrepit and confused.

blitheringbuzzards1234 · 22/05/2016 08:25

It was perhaps unintentionally unkind of her. You say she was 70-odd - do you think that she may have a touch of dementia? Sometimes people with this say things which 'come out wrong' due to a worsening lack of diplomacy or the brain cells aren't quite firing on all cylinders. Put it out of your mind.

MyLocal · 22/05/2016 08:26

Yes to all the posters who said sometimes the elderly say strange things. DF now has Alzheimer's he is absolutely not the person I grew up with. DM is mainly the same person, but at 80 she also has no filter and can be rude and intolerant about the slightest inconveniences. She is not bitter.

At a certain stage of your life your loved ones can develop these previously unrecognisable characteristics and this allows us to be more tolerant of certain things in the wider world.

At my age I see all teenagers as being potentially lovely even if they are in gangs messing around in the street, I see all elderly people as lovely people who don't realise they are rude, but I am getting to the stage where I find screaming babies on aeroplanes annoying

I accept soon I will lose my filter, and i know I won't care.

Don't take it personally OP, I also think my DS is the most handsome young man on the planet and anyone who doesn't agree is clearly blind.

LadyAntonella · 22/05/2016 08:30

Definitely think this was a joke as pps said. Nobody's child is as beautiful as your own sort of thing. My mum always told me how she sat in the ward after having my PFB brother thinking "oh I feel so sorry for all these other mums as I clearly have the most beautiful baby and they must be so jealous"! She blamed hormones.

jellyfrizz · 22/05/2016 08:49

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and all that. Her son is the most handsome to her. She may also like fig rolls - yuck.
I think my son is more handsome than yours too.

coffeetasteslikeshit · 22/05/2016 09:24

It was a joke. One of the oldest in the book. I can't believe how many people don't have a sense of humour.

thebestfurchinchilla · 22/05/2016 09:31

Weird thing to say. Some older people lose their social boundaries and say what they think, so to her, your son will never be as handsome as hers. We all think that don't we? We just don't say it. Forget it.

FerkTheeesSheet · 22/05/2016 09:38

anothertimemaybe assuming you're talking about the sterilised comment - I just laughed out loud out of pure shock actually! There was another lovely lady on the bus who was absolutely horrified on my behalf but I'm actually not that easily offended. The woman who said that particular little nugget did look like she had some issues so I thought it best to just leave it.

MNHQ

BeccaMumsnet · 22/05/2016 12:54

Hi everyone - as many posters have pointed out, there is a lot of ageism on this thread. Please do take note of what some posters have said - we don't tolerate ageism on MN.

Peridotisinvalid · 22/05/2016 13:22

It was a joke. One of the oldest in the book. I can't believe how many people don't have a sense of humour.

Exactly. Either that, or they don't think that older people can have a sense of humour and therefore interpret anything said by an older person as nasty, bitter or a sign of dementia.

Janecc · 22/05/2016 13:30

Thank you Becca. It is such a shame the women on this thread cannot see the irony they will one day be considered batty or cantankerous or worse if society fails to change.

AuntieKippers · 22/05/2016 13:49

I do sympathise with the OP if she has been bullied in the past about her appearance-it could make her extremely sensitive to such a comment. The thread has got a bit de-railed but I think its an important point to make that some of the responses were very ageist.
I have been thinking more about the "some old people are weird" comment-which I know wasn't meant to be ageist but ageism can be so endemic that we don't see it.

"Some people are weird"-not a fact more a judgement-(they may think I'm weird) but fair enough it refers to all people.
Now the physical descriptor in that comment is old. Lets experiment with using some different physical descriptors and see how it sounds.

Some tall people are weird/some short people are weird-well people would just think you were odd for saying that.

Some fat people are weird/some thin people are weird? Now you may be in danger of causing offence.

Some black people/white people/Asian people/Jewish people/Scottish people etc are weird. How do you think that would go down?

Some new mothers are weird?

Looks like old people get less respect as a group than other groups tbh.

And that isn't really an offensive comment-I've seen much worse.

NotYoda · 22/05/2016 13:51

I don't think it's possible she was joking.

She was old. Old people don't do humour, do they?

paxillin · 22/05/2016 14:07

I'm in my 40s, too young to be hit by "dried up fanny" and "bitter old bat" insults. I know it won't be long before the old hag insults will fly in my direction.

Ageism is no more ugly and despicable than misogyny or racism, but it is even less explicable. Because all of you who talk about the bitter old hags are only a blink of an eye away from being what you call an old hag. Your sex, race and weight might not change, but your age really will, even if you believe you'll remain 25. You can be a misogynist safe in the knowledge you'll never be a woman or a racist knowing you won't be black one day, but ageism will hit you, too one day.

Just5minswithDacre · 22/05/2016 14:19

Baffling isn't it pax?

Just5minswithDacre · 22/05/2016 14:20

Baffling isn't it pax?

AuntieKippers · 22/05/2016 14:23

True-you will feel the same inside your head but people will dismiss what you say. They won't get your dry sense of humour because old ladies don't have a sense of humour. Attempts to help anyone will be dismissed as irritating interference and you will start to experience more misogyny than you have ever know in your life (particularly if you were formerly good looking).
If you express a different opinion you will be an old biddy. Look forward to it!

If you are an old man it won't start as early and you will get off more lightly but you won't escape.

I heard someone talking about a professor in her 70s who is still energetic and able "Really she's past it-its time she went."

paxillin · 22/05/2016 14:34

Agree, Auntie, I also know some professors who happen to be old. World famous in their field, graduate students are in awe of them. They step onto the street and become an "old dear" for the well meaning and an "old hag" for the less friendly.

I walk with them and keep thinking if you had a difficult labour, this is the one person you'd want in the room, how dare you treat her like that. You never know what the old woman in the supermarket queue has achieved in her live, chances are, because of her age alone it is probably more than you so far at 25 or 40.

Muskey · 22/05/2016 14:48

This thread reminded me my gp said when dd was very ill with chicken pox. "She'd be a pretty little thing if it wasn't for the rash" my reply was I came here for advice/help not beauty tips.

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