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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

"He won't be as handsome as my son. Never mind." Gutted by comment from random woman

173 replies

1Potato2 · 21/05/2016 20:58

On Friday I went with Dd and 4 month ds to the library to kill time. Random woman in her early 70s starts chatting about wishing he will live as long as her relation (104 apparently) and finished off with the comment in the title. I didn't process this at the time as I was keeping an eye on Dd and ds was threatening to poop. It has bugged me since. :(. He's a lovely smiley chap and can't help thinking wtaf?! Anyone else experienced this?

OP posts:
leghoul · 21/05/2016 23:55

I'd assume either off the wall sense of humour/ wit that wasn't picked up, or her son had died, or she'd just reached the point where she thought f*ck it tell it how it is, or some neurobiological basis for not filtering what she said.

No need to be gutted by it OP, interesting and less bland than many encounters and you don't know the back story. I highly doubt she went out of her way to be nasty to you.

ThisCakeFilledIsle · 22/05/2016 00:00

Exactly, how many people truly set out to offend, not that many in my experience.

If they do set out to offend then they have a problem not you.

ReginaBlitz · 22/05/2016 00:04

Why are you so bothered? Mothers are blinkered and their child will always be beautiful to them even if they look like shrek to everyone else.

ifcatscouldtalk · 22/05/2016 00:11

In fairness to OP i remember feeling sensitive to others comments after 4 months of little sleep and hormones still doing their best. Honestly though, not worthy of the head space.

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/05/2016 00:13

MN at its finestHmm

Newsflash OP, your baby isn't as good looking as mine either!

Some of the comments on this thread are appalling!

Canyouforgiveher · 22/05/2016 00:19

Can you guess what each of the the above commenters have in common?

Can I guess??? They were British? Lots of british people can be weird you know. Or maybe they lived where you lived? Lots of people who live where you live can be nasty and weird you know.

Or was it that they take the bus?? Loads of bastards on the bus.

On a more serious note (not!), I've never had any comments other than lovely ones from randomers when out with my 3 children so maybe what they all had in common was .... you!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 22/05/2016 00:22

Her son had died? Confused

FerkTheeesSheet · 22/05/2016 00:42

I knew there would be one person who turned it around to me and imply I'm a shit parent ... Thanks for that!

sallyjane40 · 22/05/2016 00:47

One of my neighbours once commented after seeing my son, that my teenage son 'would hopefully grow into his features', out of the blue! To me, he seems reasonably attractive with a lovely smile, but it really shocked and upset me at the time, even tho I knew, as you do logically, that it really doesn't matter what these people think.
The crazy thing was that this persons own kids were actually quite odd looking, but of course, I never would have said anything about it (and I'm sure they are very beautiful to their parents)!

Damselindestress · 22/05/2016 01:30

Why would you be gutted by a weird comment from a random woman? I would either have seen the funny side and laughed it off as it's such a ridiculous thing to say or understood that her being inappropriate could have been a sign of dementia, depending on how she otherwise came across.

I used to work as a carer, I worked regularly with an old lady who had dementia and one day she commented on how lovely I was, not like the carer she had yesterday and proceeded to complain to me about that carer. The thing is, I was the carer she'd had yesterday! I didn't take it personally, she didn't mean anything by it. She didn't get out much so making up things about her carers was all she had to gossip about and she'd got confused.

Some times people just say things, whether because they have a weird sense of humour, health issues or are just a bit eccentric. It doesn't really mean anything about you or your son, it's something going on with the person who made the comment. Try not to let it get you down.

mathanxiety · 22/05/2016 01:34

I agree, Ifcatscouldtalk.

Mothers can indeed be sensitive and it has nothing whatsoever to do with being deluded that your child is the most gorgeous ever to fill a nappy. I think it has something to do with a heightened protective instincts towards our babies in the early years. The urge to protect goes beyond the mere physical.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 22/05/2016 02:20

She's 70 so her son I'll assume is 50 or could be 40 so why is she comparing him to a new born baby. Does she live on this planet.

Original poster
1Potato2 · 22/05/2016 02:34

I can't figure out how to copy bits of texts and insert them, but I think damsel's last paragraph is where we should probably leave this thread.

As I mentioned earlier, the age was for context, ie she was talking about a grown up son presumably.

Bullying in my childhood has left me over sensitive and I'll spend the rest of my life caring about what others think. Even strangers. I tend to focus on the negative. I've been called ugly to my face and beautiful by different people. Serves to prove that everyone's perspective/take is different.

OP posts:
MadamDeathstare · 22/05/2016 03:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bearleftmonkeyright · 22/05/2016 03:38

1potato, as your dc get older you will encounter situations which if you don't get perspective now will make you constantly miserable. I'm thinking about nursery and school. There will be judgement about your dc. Their progress and behaviour. Your children aren't perfect. No child is. I'm not saying this womans comment was valid but your response is way out of proportion. Really, get over it. you owe it to your dc to be stronger than this. You're not at school now. Your a parent and part of that is teaching your child to be strong and resilient. If you're struggling at the minute to be that person talk to your health visitor. You're baby is 4 months old and you are posting in the middle of the night. Sleep deprivation can do weird things to your brain. (I do not have young dc but am constantly waking up in the middle of the night). Be kind to yourself. And let it go.

PiSeas · 22/05/2016 03:54

Am I missing the bit where she actually made an offensive comment? A real life comment that warranted being upset?
Or is this just another mum being offended for the sake of being offended?
Have we become so sensitive that we can't deal with a bit of real life being thrown our way.
I worry about the next generation ofoffice workers, apprentices, commercial workers etc... coming in to the foray with mums and dads who won' let PFBs experience real life and the disappointment and discipline that comes in a work environment.

Damselindestress · 22/05/2016 03:59

Sorry to hear you were bullied as a child. I can identify with that. I hope my reply wasn't too flippant, I understand it can be easier said than done not to care what people think. I understand you being protective of your son. However, like you say, other people's opinions are very subjective.

Roonerspism · 22/05/2016 04:06

I honestly wouldn't give it another thought.

I would see it as lighthearted banter. Or, depending on the tone, she was just an older person being a bit odd!

Amazed at the responses on here. Who cares - everyone adores their own baby.

It reminds me that my great grandmother was told "aye, ye will never rear that one" when a neighbour first looked at her newborn son. (I.e. Scots for "he will die"). Now, that isn't what you want to hear.

Thankfully she was wrong!

Out2pasture · 22/05/2016 04:20

oddly enough I know what the random old woman means. it's not an insulting comment.
she is simply saying your son is beautiful without being disrespectful to her love of her own son.

AnotherTimeMaybe · 22/05/2016 04:43

FerkTheeesSheet absolutely awful never heard anything like that !!! Really hope you gave it back mate! Flowers

MardleBum · 22/05/2016 05:09

It was a strange and insensitive thing to say but if it were me I'd just assume she was a bit mad, Alzeimers perhaps, and move on from it.

Some elderly people do seem to have no filter and blurt out their unwanted opinions and critical observations much like small children do, just saying what they see without stopping to think whether it's polite or not. Confused I'm not sure whether they can't help it, or whether there is something about old age that makes them feel entitled to say what they want and not give a shit.

shinynewusername · 22/05/2016 07:13

Some elderly people do seem to have no filter and blurt out their unwanted opinions and critical observations much like small children do

Yes you're absolutely right. Older people are basically rude toddlers and totally different from younger people who are consistently polite and respectful. All the AIBU threads I read about obnoxious SILs, DHs, school gate parents and colleagues are figments of my imagination.

katemiddletonsnudeheels · 22/05/2016 07:25

But shiny I do know what is meant by that post.

There is a difference between being deliberately rude and just 'saying' something with no intent to offend yet likely to. I have a very big friend who works in home care for the elderly and constantly gets her size remarked upon in a way that just isn't socially acceptable in other contexts.

mathanxiety · 22/05/2016 07:32

Well said, MadameDeathstare.

PirateFairy45 · 22/05/2016 07:39

Laughing at the people calling her bitter.

No one thinks anyone else's kid will ever be as beautiful or handsome as their child. I certainly don't!

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