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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is DM ?

35 replies

Tonis2297 · 20/05/2016 11:12

Don't really know who's being unreasonable here me or her , I'm 21 with two DC oldest is disabled ASD , clubfoot , athritis , hearing issues the list goes on , me and dp have spoken about another child (not right now) maybe in a few years according to DM it wouldn't be fair incase I had another disabled child Hmm we don't ask them to help she's kept dd ten months overnight once and she's had ds twice In a year , we are financially stable dp has a good job and I'm sahm , she thinks I should just get sterilised Hmm I've had 2 c-sections so a 3rd would be our last and then I would be sterilised.. So AIBU?

OP posts:
SouperSal · 20/05/2016 11:14

I wouldn't consider another child in your circumstances, mainly because of the attention your eldest is likely to need and the impact that would have on the youngest child.

You've a lot on your plate at 21!

redexpat · 20/05/2016 11:14

Um no, you're not. You get to decide what happens to your body, and your choices are none of her business.

DailyFaily · 20/05/2016 11:16

It's got nothing to do with your DM. You and your DP are well aware of the implications of having a child with a disability and so are in the best possible position to know how it would be if you had another child who was affected. And you would have a huge struggle on your hands to find someone to sterilise you at the age of 21 anyway. YANBU.

EveryoneElsie · 20/05/2016 11:16

Unless its a genetic disorder you have exactly the same statistical chance of having another disabled child as she did when she had you.

She's a peach. Do you have anyone nice in your family? Flowers Wine Chocolate

Sighing · 20/05/2016 11:18

YANBU. It's between you and your DH to decide about changing your family and you what to do with your body. Cheeky mare.

EveryoneElsie · 20/05/2016 11:18

...actually that sounded better in my head. Blush

What I meant was, the chances are the same with each pregnancy. Having had one disabled child does change the odds.
God I'm crap at being supportive.

imwithspud · 20/05/2016 11:18

YANBU it's got nothing to do with your DM.

Original poster
Tonis2297 · 20/05/2016 11:21

soupersal that's why I've said not right now oldest starts school next year and youngest will go to nursery in 2 years so it would be then when I would have more time to spend ifyswim id like to have a year just me and dd as I feel she's missed a lot of attention the past 10 months tbh , dailyfaily I've already been offered sterilisation

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonis2297 · 20/05/2016 11:23

everyoneelse we are waiting on genetic testing coming back we should hopefully find out in June what's going on once we see his consultant , that will be a big factor I suppose , she has a bit of a cheek though my dsis and db both have asd I don't!

OP posts:
SouperSal · 20/05/2016 11:24

It's not just about the early years though (although they're obviously vital). Your eldest may need more support as he gets bigger rather than less.

MidnightAura · 20/05/2016 11:25

Yanbu! This is your decision to make. I get your DM probably means well but ultimately it's you and your DPs call.

dustarr73 · 20/05/2016 11:27

Just dont discuss your business then she cant have an opinion.Ynbu is down to you and your dp what you do.The only thing when you talk about this your dm thinks you are asking for opinions and all you want is an ear to listen.

Have you got friends that you could talk to and leave your dm out of it.

DailyFaily · 20/05/2016 11:30

Wow, really? Who has offered you sterilisation at 21 and why? Honestly, I come across women in their twenties who absolutely want to be sterilised and really have to fight for it (and don't always win).

Original poster
Tonis2297 · 20/05/2016 11:31

dustarr73 unfortunately not I lost most of my 'friends' when ds was born , I don't have much time for any sort of social life atm it's just me and the Dc mostly but that's the way I like it Smile even if it does mean watching paw patrol on loop most days Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
Tonis2297 · 20/05/2016 11:33

dailyfaily it was the consultant at the hospital when I was having dd that offered it as he knew previous issues with ds and I also had PND when he was born they thought it was a good idea Hmm I obviously declined I didn't want to make a big mistake and then regret it

OP posts:
Pinkheart5915 · 20/05/2016 11:38

It's your decision if you want another child but I think I understand where you mum is coming from.

I personally wouldn't in your circumstances, you have to think carefully about how it would effect the time and care your eldest will need.

MrsMushrooms · 20/05/2016 11:38

YANBU, and yes your eldest may need support growing up, and that support can be added to by siblings in a big, loving family! It's nothing to do with your mum as she's not expected to look after the kids

Original poster
Tonis2297 · 20/05/2016 11:42

pinkheart5915 anything he needs ie hospital appointments are done regardless dd just comes with us it's not an issue anyway Smile the only issues are more than likely at night as he's not a great sleeper but dps home at nights and on weekends , also ds isn't my dps he stays every weekend with his dad and dp is more than determined he wants one more surely I've got to think about how he feels too?

OP posts:
GummyBunting · 20/05/2016 11:49

MrsMushrooms But the siblings would be expected to look after them? That's very very unfair.

If the OP feels that her and her DH could care for another child, that's fine, but in no circumstances should they see their other children as carers.

SouperSal · 20/05/2016 11:49

You have no idea how life will pan out. Best laid plans get changed etc. I doubt you'd ever regret having another child but there may be days where it just makes life more difficult. What happens if all 3 need to be in different places, for example?

I've a friend with 3 under 5. Her youngest needed surgery at 6 weeks old and still has some minor health issues (she's nearly 6 months old). She finds it extremely hard to manage, and that's with her partner and mother's involvement.

LogicalThinking · 20/05/2016 11:50

It's absolutely none of her business and she doesn't actually know what she is talking about. There is an impact on siblings when they have a disabled sibling, but that is both positive and negative.

BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn · 20/05/2016 11:53

You are very young with 2 children, one of which is disabled. I'm not sure why you even be thinking of another child at all yet. Surely your disabled child needs a lot of care and attention. How thin can you spread yourself, which child gets less attention?

I'm very surprised a 21 year old was offered sterilisation tbh. I thought they wouldn't do it until women were much older.

MrsMushrooms · 20/05/2016 12:02

GummyBunting I think you've grossly misunderstood me, I wouldn't dream of suggesting that OP's younger children become careers or pitch in with any caring responsibilities! Merely that support takes lots of forms and the emotional and loving support that comes from normal sibling relationships is a good part of that. My brother and I always had each other to play with growing up and as teens we could watch out for each other in different ways and as adults we still have each other's backs. More siblings could only have been a good thing, IMO, and my point is that people arguing that OP's eldest may need extra support might consider that siblings provide each other with life-long mutual support and don't just take attention away

SouperSal · 20/05/2016 12:09

There is no guarantee that siblings will get on.

RiverTam · 20/05/2016 12:13

I have to say I agree with your mum, of course it's not her call but I think she is right. You are very young and you have a disabled child. Focus on the children you have. What would you do if your 3rd was disabled? Or it turns out to be twins? How would that impact on your life and your eldest's care.

Honestly? I think it would be pretty selfish.