AIBU or is DM ?

[Tonis2297]

Don't really know who's being unreasonable here me or her , I'm 21 with two DC oldest is disabled ASD , clubfoot , athritis , hearing issues the list goes on , me and dp have spoken about another child (not right now) maybe in a few years according to DM it wouldn't be fair incase I had another disabled child we don't ask them to help she's kept dd ten months overnight once and she's had ds twice In a year , we are financially stable dp has a good job and I'm sahm , she thinks I should just get sterilised I've had 2 c-sections so a 3rd would be our last and then I would be sterilised.. So AIBU?

As I've already said i don't mean I'm going to get pregnant tomorrow I'm talking a couple of years down the line! My ds is well cared for so I don't know why he would need his siblings to be carers also as stated my sibling both have asd and it has just made us even closer I've always been very defensive of them and would do anything for them so I know what your on about MrsMushrooms

Maybe as you have siblings with ASD your mum knows how hard looking after children with disabilities can be?

Well what if I had another child and he/she was disabled or twins ? Then we would get on with it like we do with everything else that gets thrown at us ..

rivertam she didn't look after us though we were passed from pillar to post with other family members so she didn't really do anything tbh but it is hard and I'm not going to lie but we just get on with it

Is that where your mum is coming from? However much she loves her children she hasn't had it easy. Does she want you to have less stress than she did?

Nanny0gg I don't know possibly i suppose , I'm not dead set on having more anyway, I'm on long term contraception for at least 3 years atm so there isn't any accidents and maybe in those 3 years I'll change my mind I don't want another one right now as I know it would be very difficult

There are degrees and degrees of disability though. My eldest has ASD and is severely impacted by communication anxiety. So he's disabled but attends mainstream school, etc. and we hope he will live independently, but maybe a bit later than our other kids. I have 3 other kids; it's a full plate but it's OK. However had he been severely disabled, needed round the clock care, etc that might well have meant we had fewer other children.

squashybannana this is what I'm thinking I'm giving a few years to see how things are they might get better/settle down (sleep,behaviour etc) there's no way I'd do it right now though

It could be that your Mum is trying to express that she found it difficult to raise her own 3 children, 2 of whom have ASD. She may not be happy to admit that she found it tough, but wants to spare you from what she went through. Admittedly it would be easier to understand if she said 'I struggled in that situation' rather than 'you shouldn't have more'.

I cannot see how at 21 you could even consider being sterilised. So many things in your life could happen that may mean you want to and are in a position to have another child. There are so many less drastic measures including the other most obvious, which would be your DH getting a vasectomy, which unlike sterilisation is reversible. Right now as you say it would be ill advised to have another child. It may be an option in a few years, even 20 years down the line! The most important factor will be having another child not impacting on your existing children. I am parent to only one child because of my health issues. My desire to have another child was outweighed by my need to be able to care for my existing one. DD desperately wishes this were different and and she will only ever be an only child. So do I. Sometimes we also have to mourn the loss of not having what we want and loving what we have.