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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Embarrassed and upset. Was I wrong?

819 replies

fatandembarrassed · 20/05/2016 09:20

Nc for this

I recently had to take an 11 hour flight. I'm quite pregnant at the moment - not close to my due date, but it's very obvious and I am pretty big now. I was cleared to fly but warned that I must walk about as much as possible.

I didn't have much notice of this flight and so didn't have spare money, so I booked an economy seat next to the toilet, for obvious reasons, and with extra legroom. It was fine, but about 4 hours into the flight, I realised my ankles were swelling, so I got up and started to walk about a bit.

I felt a bit embarrassed, but I was in a fair bit of pain with my ankles and Braxton Hicks contractions, so I persevered very slowly and in complete silence, making my way along the aisles which wasn't easy in Economy as it was very tight. I then walked up and down the Business Class aisle. Nobody looked up or seemed disturbed by me, and it was easier to walk, so I walked up and down that section twice which took me about five minutes.

Next thing I knew, a male flight attendant marched up to me, put his hand on my arm and told me that I was disturbing passengers who had paid more than me, and that I might be pregnant but it was 'not an excuse' to 'make a disturbance'. I was quite shocked to be told I was disturbing anyone - I was very quiet and slow, and there for less than 5 min.

I was really upset to have him talk to me like that, both touching me and implying that I was just being a 'nuisance' to people who were clearly 'better' than me. I ended up crying because I was so humiliated (hate having to walk anyway and draw attention to myself), in horrible pain and having contractions.

Was I being unreasonable here? DH is very upset that I was treated like this and I really didn't think I was doing anything terribly wrong.

OP posts:
OhYouAhole · 21/05/2016 01:57

Yabu for the buisness class bit but not for being upset. What a douche rocket! You should complain. The guy may have had to move you on but there is an ethic to dealing with with service users so to speak and that wasn't it.

CoolforKittyCats · 21/05/2016 04:11

Kind of shocked that someone in business class complained about this actually.

We don't know they did.

MidniteScribbler · 21/05/2016 04:53

I don't think that it's even about the business class vs economy class wandering. Aisles are small, and it's the flight attendant's workplace. They need to be able to move up and down the aisles to serve passengers, and be able to get access in an emergency situation. Everytime a person is standing in the middle of the aisle, is makes their job so much harder. So aside from being in the way, turbulence can happen at any time, which is why they want you in your seat with your belt on as much as possible, even if it seems all clear.

I have to move around regularly because of my back issues, but I would never wander up and down the aisles as I know staff need access to do their jobs. I go to the vacant space near a door and stand there, and I've never had a flight attendant ask me to move (except to let me know we'll be landing soon), and often get asked if I need anything, and if I say I just need to stand for a while, I usually get offered a drink (including one very enjoyable Emirates flight where the attendant brought me a whole bottle of wine while I was standing there instead of just a glass).

It's the flight crew's workplace, and you need to stay out of their way and let them do their jobs.

Dumdedumdedum · 21/05/2016 05:33

Supposing the OP had paid for a biz class seat and had felt the need to walk up and down the aisles there for all her original reasons? Would she then have been considered not to be disturbing other biz class passengers because she had paid the same amount as them to be there? Can't get my head round the lack of empathy there.
Hope your pregnancy continues all right now, OP, sorry you are now on bed-rest.

Queenbean · 21/05/2016 06:33

I just can't understand all the posters defending the OP - does business class aisle have some magical soothing powers of healing that help pregnant women or something?

Why can't you agree than she just could have walked up and down the economy class aisle? After all, fa's trolleys are huge and they manage it. A bump is much smaller.

nooka · 21/05/2016 06:48

Do people in business class even need to get up and walk around? Surely part of what you pay for is enough space so that you can move about a bit in your seat/space instead of being all crammed up in economy.

I think it takes a bit of brass to not just walk up into the business class but do a couple of very slow circuits once you are there. In my experience (not a business class user, but I like to sit up at the front whenever I have the choice) economy passengers get ejected pretty sharpish if they try and venture past the curtain.

firesidechat · 21/05/2016 09:09

I can't believe I had a post deleted. All I said was that I hope the DM didn't keep taking threads like this without checking whether they are real or not. I honestly can't be bothered with this place any more. That was not troll hunting and someone somewhere is on a mission to clean up when a clean up is unnecessary. I've had it.

firesidechat · 21/05/2016 09:22

My mistake it wasn't that post, but I don't think it was a bad post. Maybe I'm too cynical for mn.

Waltermittythesequel · 21/05/2016 09:57

What happened to we believe you?

How fucking low can you get?

To trivialise sexual assault and rape culture so that you can 'win' a thread?

What a dick move.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/05/2016 09:57

Several PPs said they thought OP was simply hoping for an upgrade when she wandered around BC

I know she left quite a few responses, but can anyone remember if she commented on this before leaving the thread? I've tried to look but it's a pretty long read now ...

firesidechat · 21/05/2016 10:13

Ok i'm over it now and resisted the urge to flounce. Grin

This has been a very odd thread.

SpringHasNearlySprung · 21/05/2016 10:16

puzzled I was trying to find if she'd replied to that of but couldn't find anything.

IMO OP you were in Business Class trying to get yourself a free upgrade. Oh look, pregnant woman wandering around clutching bump and walking slowly, here pregnant lady you just sit in that spare seat right here in business class. I suspect this was her desired outcome.

Also OP if you were feeling unwell you should have advised the cabin crew who would have done their best to make you comfortable in your economy seat and taken any other appropriate action.

We travel business or premium class when we fly to have extra space, nicer meals etc. I've rarely seen passengers from the economy cabin wander in to use the loos etc when they have they are always asked to leave by cabin crew.

Neverknowingly · 21/05/2016 10:58

You were being unreasonable going into BC.

But the FA was totally unreasonable and inappropriate and I completely understand your humiliation. It is a very derogatory way to treat you.

You SHOULD complain. BUT I think you would get a lot further with your complaint if you acknowledge that you should not have gone in to BC and apologise for that. Notwithstanding that you were in the wrong, his manner of dealing with the situation was terrible.

RockMeMomma · 21/05/2016 11:28

The Daily Fail is a useless rag
Where is the op?
I think she took Kanga59's advice ... Why stop at business class? you should have at least had a moasy around first ...and gone to check out FC Grin The Daily Fail is a useless rag

blinkowl · 21/05/2016 13:15

"To trivialise sexual assault and rape culture so that you can 'win' a thread? "

If you think that's what I'm doing you misunderstand me.

I don't think the attitudes on this thread are a trivial thing, I think the attitudes displayed here to pregnant women, vulnerable people in general and the acceptance of the rule of wealth is part of something a larger shift in society that is significant and fundamentally damaging.

We are going through a period of change in the world where the gap between rich and poor is greater than it's ever been. Corporatisation is happening - there are already many companies that are more powerful than countries, and they are continually seeking more power. Power to make profit by exploiting ordinary people like us around the world.

And at the same time, people are becoming more unkind, less understanding, more accepting that if you pay you get respect.

The US is currently trying to get TTIP pushed through. They say it's a trade deal, but it's not. If it comes in, then our governments won't have the final say on things like school provision, health, you name it - if a company think they want a piece of the pie, and they feel it's being denied them they can sure our governments for not letting them make profit out of us.

TTIP may fail, but they'll have another crack at it. Wealth is being accumulated in the hands of the few, and their power is more far reaching - truly global - unlike anything the world has seen before.

The attitudes on this thread - that pregnant women (or other people in vulnerable groups such as the elderly) shouldn't receive special treatment, that people in business class pay not just for the added space etc but to not be disturbed by the lower classes - even a pregnant woman in discomfort and that that's OK, that the OP must be unreliable in telling her story, the guy was probably just trying to help.

Al these little things add up to a change in our society, to one which is less caring about the vulnerable in society, and which accepts that the whims of those with money trump basic things like caring for those vulnerable groups.

It's paving the way for acceptance to a world which I don't want to live in, where the corporate is king and we go round knowing our place. Fuck that.

And back to the "we believe you". I am not trivialising. Rape and sexual abuse are acts of violence, not sex. They are about abuse of power. I'm not suggesting there was any sexual angle to the FA putting his hands on the OP.

But he did put his hands on her, not a nice, friendly way as some people seem determined to reimagine it, but in a way that ended up with her crying in the toilet.

For people to turn round and say things like all FAs have always been nice to me, I don't believe you, or it must have been nicely meant, you're getting it wrong, is exactly the kind of thing women get told when they turn down unwanted sexual advances. No, it's not the same thing, it's way down the spectrum. But it is about someone in a position of power, in that context, touching the OP in a way that she did not like. Would he have done the same to a 6 foot rugby player? I doubt it? Why wouldn't he?

Was it a nice thing to touch her, or was he trying to make her move by using his hands - even if only subtly - rather than just his words?

It's not on, and we shouldn't be encouraging it.

The least he could have done is ask nicely, and that's what's missing here. The compassion. Even if you think the OP shou hldave stayed in economy, it doesn't follow that the FA should have treated her in the way he did.

He should have helped a pregnant woman in distress - even if he felt that economy as the best place to do that - not made her feel worse.

blinkowl · 21/05/2016 13:19

*sue not sure

PaulAnkaTheDog · 21/05/2016 13:20

Fucking bonkers. Seriously.

Waltermittythesequel · 21/05/2016 13:20

Wow.

You are really using the OP to push an agenda, aren't you?

Tell me; do you pay to use services? Why bother? Why not let rich people pay and you just use them?

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 21/05/2016 13:25

What on Earth are you all about, Blink.

TTIP is a fucking disaster but that has nothing to do with OP.
Bonkers.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 21/05/2016 13:28

Blink wins The Biggest Load of Unrelated Bollocks on a Thread award.

She also wins the thread in general because I don't think anyone will fully respond to that essay because it's bollocks.

blinkowl · 21/05/2016 13:37

It's not about the services, so much as the attitudes that go along with it, and whether the needs of a someone in a vulnerable group should trump the whims of someone who has paid.

I'm not objecting to BC, well not specifically - we live in a world based on payment for products and services and the airline is selling those.

Under normal circumstances, BC / economy class, fine - people don't need to fly, they choose, to. If people want to pay extra for the luxuries, that's up to them.

What I have a problem with is the attitude that paying for those luxuries should include the luxury of not having to notice the discomfort of a pregnant woman, or to even have to share the same space as her if it helps her, when all she wanted to do was walk up and down.

That's so fundamentally lacking in compassion and humanity it's astounding, yet it seems many have been so conditioned to accept it.

I'm not making this stuff up - attitudes in our society do change, and there are reasons for it - and we are all part of it. I find that interesting, don't you?

Here is the Joseph Rowntree Society for example talking about changes in society that make us more "unkind, risk-averse and untrusting"

This thread seems a perfect example of what the JRF is talking about.

This is about pushing any agenda, but simply being award of what is going on around us and seeing the bigger picture in ordinary events. I find it interesting, don't you?

blinkowl · 21/05/2016 13:38

This isn't about pushing any agenda!

Waltermittythesequel · 21/05/2016 13:44

No, I don't. I find it utterly bonkers.

blinkowl · 21/05/2016 13:46

"TTIP is a fucking disaster but that has nothing to do with OP"

It's got everything to do with it.

It's about living in a world where money trumps people's basic human rights, whether that's the ability of a pregnant woman to stretch her legs on a plane, or to be able to live in a country where the health provision for her unborn baby is decided democratically with the health of people as the driving force, or by cooprations with profit as the driving force.

It's the same thing, just different ends of the scale.

What happened on that plane - or thousands of other similar situations every day - is a microcosm of a bigger picture of us accepting fundamental human rights being trumped by the wealth of others. There is a line in the sand where we generally feel it's unacceptable for wealth to come first - but it seems to me that that line is moving in the favour of profit over people, and it is played out in example like this.

The personal is political.

ChardonnayKnickertonSmythe · 21/05/2016 13:48

So when I give my seat to a pregnant woman on the Tube I am, in fact, fighting TTIP?