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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drive an hour away to family with LO for a few days?

108 replies

GoodCompanion · 19/05/2016 21:06

Hey there Newbie here.

Just wanted your opinion on this subject.
So I'm an hour away drive on the motorway from family as the title says and I know nobody in my town . OH is at work until 5/6 and he does do his bit when he comes back but he takes his time sometimes that I end up doing stuff that we've agreed he does. AIBU to suggest that I take LO to my mothers tomorrow morning to get a break. I'm tired, lonely, feeling down, bored and lo is feeling it all. Plus if I go away she can play with her cousins which are a similar age.

If I do suggest going away I know he will say no because he doesn't want me to drive on my own with lo. Would I also be unreasonable to just go anyway? Or would that be a rubbish thing to do. I just need some support iv been a stahp for 2 and half years now in an area I don't really have anyone close to me. We are planning to move but I just need to be around people now because I'm going crazy and not myself anymore.

Thanks x

OP posts:
justatoe1 · 19/05/2016 22:46

I used to be nervous driving as my DH was aggressive when driving (funnily enough especially when visiting my family). Since I left him, I have driven all over the country, motorways, city centres the lot.
I also see my family much more, and have a great circle of friends now ....coincidence? No.
While you are away read Lundy Bancroft 'Why does he do that' and decide if you want to return.

teacher54321 · 19/05/2016 22:57

In the school holidays i regularly drive an hour each way with Ds just to meet friends for lunch. Asking permission is completely alien to me for something like this. You want to see your mum, she wants to see you. You're both free, I honestly can't see what the problem should be for your dh. Do you think he's deliberately isolating you? Looks to me that way.,,

Original poster
GoodCompanion · 19/05/2016 23:05

I'm not sure if he's doing it deliberately maybe he is because he doesn't get to see his family often because they're further away and he thinks it's unfair I get to see mine more often. He often bring put his excuse when we discuss moving closer to "my family" I just explain to him it's your family too he gets on better with mine more than his own anyway so I'm just confused maybe some time apart will do us good.

Have a feeling he will get lonely here on his own and drive down in his van once we're gone to stay with us and not get the message

OP posts:
ExtraHotLatteToGo · 19/05/2016 23:07

There are a fair few handmaiden comments on this thread...good grief.

GoodCompanion

It's good that you are realising what a twunt he is, but sadly he's done such a number on you that you can't even see how bad the situation really is.

If I were you I'd pack all my important papers, photos, DD's stuff and as much of mine as I could possibly cram into the car. I'd be telling my mum I was coming for a couple of weeks so she'd be prepared for a car full of stuff.

Then I'd go to the CAB and get all the information I could about housing benefit, availability & other benefits etc. I'd find a place, get sorted and tell twunt that I'd be back for the rest of mine & DD's stuff. Take someone with you, preferably a bloke and collect everything else.

You'll be so much happier with your friends and family around you. Then you can look at what you are going to do workwise when DD starts school & do any study/training you need to do.

it might not be easy, but it'll be one hell of a lot better than living with him - he's sapping your energy, your motivation, your self confidence and you are getting more diwn trodden & depressed. Get out while you can 💐

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 19/05/2016 23:11

I only passed my test in December iv drove two hours away and back with all three children alone to stay with my brother. Drove a couple of trips of an hour and a half and next weekend am doing a three hour one. My husband works away and if he tried to tell me I wasn't (which he wouldn't) he'd get a swift fuck off in reply.

It doesn't matter what confidence he has in your driving. Your driving examiner feels you can drive well enough to do it independently and that's all that matters.

Yanbu, go and spend some time with your family.

Italiangreyhound · 19/05/2016 23:16

GoodCompanion go and have fun and tell your mum how things are.

You've said he's aggressive, doesn't do what he says he will and that he stops you doing what you want to do. Are there any good bits?

Good luck. Thanks

LadyB49 · 19/05/2016 23:22

I don't think it's got a lot to do with OP' s driving. Sounds to me that it's just one of several ways he uses to belittle her.

OP - please stand up for yourself. If you want to visit mum - then visit mum.

icy121 · 19/05/2016 23:39

Christ it sounds like Rob and Helen.

OP - I don't know why you can't go to your mum's and back again in a day. 1 hour isn't a long drive, many people do that or more to get to work. If you can pass your test you can drive for 2 hours in one day. ibe driven 1 hour each way to see a mate playing in their local orchestra concert. It's not abnormal.

Moving on, your controlling OH sounds a bit scary tbh. Sullen silences, keeping you on your toes. Seriously, read up on the Helen and Rob storyline on The Archers (before it got silly & she stabbed him). He undermined her, made comments, made her feel guilty & uncertain in her own abilities. He also alienated her from friends and was very controlling around her family - always had to be there. You OH doesn't "want you to take his child away from him" - visiting a grandparent isn't that?!

Sounds like a very slippery slope OP, you need to tread fucking carefully and don't lose yourself to him. This thread is one that genuinely worries me.

Original poster
GoodCompanion · 20/05/2016 05:18

I know it's not a good situation at the moment. He's a great dad overall I know he'd do anything for his child. I think it's just me that he has the problem with. I'm just packing up a few stuff now.

I just tried to explain to him this morning about how I'm feeling and I'm just snappy and down and bored because of being at home for so long and stressful plus alone but he tried to shut the conversation down and say I already know you just need to do what you need to do...there's no point going over it...etc (exited to go downstairs) is that normal? I just feel completely shut down I explained I need some support and half of the time I know your problems situations and how you feel but I still want you to talk about it with me because that's what partners do but he went on to say that sometimes I don't want to talk to you because it always turns into an argument which isn't true we do have conversations that don't get heated. I think he just uses it as an excuse to get out the conversation quickly and make me feel like I'm always doing something wrong. Btw I don't go on and on about the situation so I don't get why he shut me down.

Anyway he didn't show he had any problems with me going but I feel as though it's because he doesn't think I'm actually going to go, but I am.

Greatful for the advice thanks x

OP posts:
Lpel · 20/05/2016 05:31

Have a lovely time with your mum x

mogloveseggs · 20/05/2016 05:40

Go have a lovely time and see how you feel in a few days. It's not right that he's being like he is but I think you know that.

0hCrepe · 20/05/2016 06:42

He's clearly going to struggle to give you the emotional support you would like. I'd give up on that one for now and go to your mum's on good terms. You don't need a reason to go.
But great news he hasn't resisted you going, have a lovely time.

Rebecca2014 · 20/05/2016 07:14

This is crazy. My parents live an hour away and I regularly drive to see them with my daughter.

Krampus · 20/05/2016 07:37

Have a good trip ☺

You will be much more relaxed driving without his constant criticism. Since my Father died my Mum has made constant digs at me along with the sullen loaded silences. Everyime I drive she makes critical comments or a running commentary. " theres a car, then two more cars, then its clear, no there
three more cars". I haven't been able to park yet without her exclaiming What ARE you doing? Why ARE you parking here!!! I am a confident driver and have made it across to Italy driving solo with just my kids. Still awaiting the next critism or gasp from her makes me tense and harder to concentrate.

Krampus · 20/05/2016 07:39

Didn't mean to put a blushing face!

SouthWesterlyWinds · 20/05/2016 08:03

He will do anything for his child, it's just you he has a problem with? That's a very sad statement. Was he the one who suggested babies?

Take your documents, keep them at your mums, apply for a passport for LO if needs be whilst your there and get them to post it to your mums address. Get yourself a plan whether it's to go back and to be more independent or to stay around your parents. Have a lovely time and relax. Sit down, take time for yourself and actually think what does he bring to your relationship. Don't start reasoning that he's a great dad etc. My friend is a great dad. He was a bad husband. That can happen. Build up your confidence again. You'be passed first time, you've grown and nurtured a child - don't doubt yourself.

teawamutu · 20/05/2016 08:21

YANBU to go. YWOnlyBU to come back. Flowers

Original poster
GoodCompanion · 20/05/2016 08:30

Thanks for the support with driving I'm looking forward to heading out with my daughter now.

Your right he is a great dad and provider but not so good at the other things. He's never had an example his dad left him when he was young and went on to have other kids and his step dad abused him so he has not taken the opposite route when it comes to emotional support and how to do it the right way.
Plus he has weight issues that I'm supporting him with. He's lost a lot of weight now but still the same in his actions. He's very self absorbed without realising it.
He thinks giving me a wad of cash to go shopping is romantic and doesn't do much of the sentimental stuff or take me out on dates without me suggesting so.

OP posts:
Original poster
GoodCompanion · 20/05/2016 08:31

Sorry yes he did suggest having kids it was mutual he actually mentioned it first x

OP posts:
ThatStewie · 20/05/2016 09:26

Lots of men grow up with crap fathers and go on to be great fathers. It's not an excuse for belittling and dismissing your partner. You need emotional support too and you aren't getting it. You deserve better than this. You deserve to be happy, relaxed and confident not treated like this. Stay with your Mum for a few weeks. Start feeling confident and happy. It's what you deserve.

MessyBun247 · 20/05/2016 09:54

Aw OP you don't sound very happy. You don't need his permission to do what you want to do. Staying at your mums will do you the world of good and may give him time to think about his own behaviour.
No relationship is perfect but you should feel supported, safe, listened to and happy. These things are normal in a healthy relationship. If he's trying to control you and stop you doing the things you need to do to be happy then that isn't healthy and it's no wonder you are feeling down.
You say he's a good dad, well in my opinion a good dad will take care of the mother of his child, and be a good example to the child. Which it doesn't sound like he is doing?

Anyway have a lovely time at your mums and hope you are ok Flowers

seeyounearertime · 20/05/2016 09:59

I'd go to your mums op and stay there.

He's judgey, negative, etc and yet you're supporting him through his issues?
why isn't he supporting you and helping you to be happy? That's what a partner would do.

AnyFucker · 20/05/2016 10:27

He's not a "great dad" if he is destroying the confidence of the mother of his child.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 20/05/2016 11:19

Are you at your Mum's yet?

SouthWesterlyWinds · 20/05/2016 11:54

GoodCompanion - I never said he was a good dad. I said you shouldn't include "he's a good dad" in your reasoning. He's not a good dad if he undermines the mother of his child and destroys her self esteem. Making someone a shadow of themselves doesn't bode well for looking after your child. There's actually a ironic laughable twist in this if he belittles you to the point you think your inadequate but then he still trusts you to look after your child.

TBH from the snapshot you've posted, he sounds very controlling and admittedly, you might get upset by some of the things we say but it appears to me that he has lost any affection for you. You've done your bit. He's a dad. He sees you as a drain on his money, because you could have a 1/4million house by now. He is emotionally abusing you.

You need to report your post and get mumsnet to move it to relationships so you can get the wealth of experience of similar experience.

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