Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To drive an hour away to family with LO for a few days?

108 replies

GoodCompanion · 19/05/2016 21:06

Hey there Newbie here.

Just wanted your opinion on this subject.
So I'm an hour away drive on the motorway from family as the title says and I know nobody in my town . OH is at work until 5/6 and he does do his bit when he comes back but he takes his time sometimes that I end up doing stuff that we've agreed he does. AIBU to suggest that I take LO to my mothers tomorrow morning to get a break. I'm tired, lonely, feeling down, bored and lo is feeling it all. Plus if I go away she can play with her cousins which are a similar age.

If I do suggest going away I know he will say no because he doesn't want me to drive on my own with lo. Would I also be unreasonable to just go anyway? Or would that be a rubbish thing to do. I just need some support iv been a stahp for 2 and half years now in an area I don't really have anyone close to me. We are planning to move but I just need to be around people now because I'm going crazy and not myself anymore.

Thanks x

OP posts:
MissBattleaxe · 19/05/2016 21:30

Tell him you've arranged it and your Mum is expecting you. Tell him when you'll be back. He can't stop you.

averylongtimeago · 19/05/2016 21:31

It's an hour's drive, not a continental road trip. Just go, you are an adult, you don't need permission.

What do you mean "aggressive"?

Tbh, he sounds a twat.

holdontoyourbutts · 19/05/2016 21:31

OP take your stuff and go. You don't need to justify yourself, you need a break.

Phineyj · 19/05/2016 21:32

How bizarre. He sounds more like your dad than your partner! Just go. Maybe don't come back.

TheUnsullied · 19/05/2016 21:32

GoodCompanion when he tries to put you off, do you remind him that you're a grown up and feel you're capable of the drive?

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't advise someone to drive an hour straight if they passed their test last week but presumably you're not a nervy newbie after a year.

What happens when he puts you off? Do you just stay at home doing things he finds acceptable? Confused Sorry, I don't mean to be goady but I can't imagine not driving because someone who isn't there would rather I didn't.

0hCrepe · 19/05/2016 21:33

Well normally you would say in advance what you're planning to do but if someone's actively going to try and stop you, you're pushed into it really. But what will the repercussions of that be? Not that you should be cowed into submission.
My dh is not a confident driver but he took things in his own time and found alternative routes to motorways because he wanted to until he was ready. I can't imagine telling him he wasn't allowed to drive somewhere. That and the aggression doesn't sound pleasant. Is he actually nice to you?

ohtheholidays · 19/05/2016 21:34

He's aggresive towards you and a control freak and you usually end up doing the jobs he sould be doing.

No of course YANBU but he is,go and see your family but for what it's worth I wouldn't be going back to him OP.

The trying to talk you out of driving is a sign of a controlling relationship which is a form of abuse.I went through the same with my ex husband and it was awful to live with.

Littlefluffyclouds81 · 19/05/2016 21:34

What a dick! Won't let you drive?! What's that all about. You're a grown woman, with a child and a driving licence, you don't need to ask his permission to do stuff like this. It's really not normal, or ok.

Willow2016 · 19/05/2016 21:36

Its only an hour just tell him you are going and thats final.

I wonder why he isnt keen for you to go?

Maybe he gets aggressive when you are driving to undermine your confidence - therefor upset you, so he can say you are not confidant etc etc. This would naturaly lead on to him saying you arent good enough to drive the kids anywhere, because he needs to be there to 'correct you' when he feels like showing his superiority...effectively keeping you where he wants you, at home without supoprt.

You dont need his permission, just go and have a great time, stay the weekend Smile let him catch up on all those jobs he was suppposed to help with but doesnt think he needs to do cos you will do it for him in the end. Angry

Alarm bells are a ringing.

Xmasbaby11 · 19/05/2016 21:39

Hi OP. I spent years learning to drive and it took me years after to build much confidence, especially with motorways or unfamiliar roads. It's OK to be a little nervous and overplan or over think a journey. However, my DH has always supported me, and I think it's vital that your DH supports you. It is hard to do something without his blessing as he's your husband and you expect him to. But in this case I think you need to present it as a fact and be confident about it. Don;t let him talk you out of it. Think how good you will feel when you arrive at your parents' in one piece!

ButtonsAndBows · 19/05/2016 21:39

Leave and message as your leaving then turn your phone on silent . Just a casual "going to mums for a few days, sorry it's short notice but I really need a break" or whatever will suffice . He should be glad if a little break himself , mine would be over the moon if I went off with the kids for a few days ! Don't be talked out of it. I drive everywhere , the more you do the better you get. My DH can sometimes be picky about my driving but that's his nature , I tell him he's more than welcome to drive if he's so opinionated (and (jokingly) point out his driving errors in return. Don't be bullied. At first I was thinking your crazy being worried about an hour drive, now I see your "problem". Have a break and enjoy yourself , you're hardly jetting off on an exotic holiday without him !

Original poster
GoodCompanion · 19/05/2016 21:40

I do drive even if he's put me off but he's my OH so his words stick with me when he says them I suppose I shouldn't let them get to me but it's hard not to especially when he's the only adult I have face to face convos with most of the time.

He's only aggressive with his words and his overall "vibe" when I'm driving. But I won't be driving with him when I go so I'll be fine but he makes me feel like he doesn't trust me with our child.

I passed my test first time as well but he still puts me off

OP posts:
DilbyGlipob · 19/05/2016 21:41

When I was on maternity leave, I would often drive an hour to see friends and be back before my h was even home. Not that he'd have ever tried to stop me, but what would happen if he came home from work and asked what you'd been up to and you said "oh, we went to see my mum." Do you have to clear it with him before you do anything?

AnyFucker · 19/05/2016 21:41

did he pass first time ?

redcaryellowcar · 19/05/2016 21:43

Sounds like you 'need' to go, think you need to explain to him in similar terms to how you've worded your post. If he's worried bout you driving (and for any reason his concerns are legitimate) could you get the train?
In similar circumstances I tell my dh that he can have some lovely sleep, I get a pizza in the fridge for him, or arrange my visits to my parents when he's on a night out after work.

Alisvolatpropiis · 19/05/2016 21:43

Definitely go.

I know this is only a tiny snap shot of your life but...he doesn't sound great here.

0hCrepe · 19/05/2016 21:44

Saying that (going back to being with nervous drivers) I was a bit annoyed with dh when I was using the sat Nav once to make sure I went the right direction on the m25 to get to Brighton and for 150 miles of m1 it was telling me to get off at each and every junction as he'd set the bloody thing to avoid motorways. It was no help at m25 time either!

AugustaFinkNottle · 19/05/2016 21:44

As a matter of interest, why are you so isolated where you are? Are there any mother and toddler groups around?

lem73 · 19/05/2016 21:46

He won't let you go? This isn't Saudi Arabia.

LouBlue1507 · 19/05/2016 21:46

YANBU! Your husband sounds controlling!

If I was you I'd just go and not tell him until you get there!
'Hi how's your day? We're just having a cuppa in mums :) See you when we get back x'

Don't ask permission, just do it! Grin

TheUnsullied · 19/05/2016 21:46

I'm admittedly single right now so not an authority on how relationships work but do people really send their plans for the day to their DPs while said DP is working? The first my currently non existent DP would find out would be when he asked what I'd been up to that day after he got home.

AliceInUnderpants · 19/05/2016 21:48

The fact that you have no friends around, and he is "aggressive" and wouldn't 'allow' you to visit your mother - I'd be planning on not coming back.

0hCrepe · 19/05/2016 21:49

I took it to mean overnight or for a few days which I would let dh know about. A day trip I'd mention as part of general chat if it came up.

Original poster
GoodCompanion · 19/05/2016 21:49

He didn't pass first time no.

Most of the time there's nothing to clear because I don't go further than my town weekly. But if I did want to to go to families I would let him know. He was worse earlier on in the relationship. When lo was born I suggested going to my moms for a week (before I could drive) and he went of on one saying "I'm not taking his child away from him" I just said I needed some support but he wasn't having it. We have had problems before maybe that's why the aggression seems more than its supposed to be.

I don't need to get the train now, iv driven the route before. Maybe a few months after I passed I would of yh because I wasn't taking the motorway too often but I have been now so I'm pretty confident on it.

OP posts:
Alisvolatpropiis · 19/05/2016 21:50

Well, I do discuss plans with my husband and vice versa. We usually text each other around midday asking how the day is going, so I'll mention that I've gone somewhere/am off somewhere/how the baby is.

But I don't ask permission and neither does he.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.