To tell SIL to bog off?

[CurvyBlonde]

So I'm nearly 18 weeks of with dc1 who is much longed for and already the light of our lives. Myself and DH have already agreed that we intend to do attachment parenting and that the 3 of us is all that matters. I love my in laws and my family but we just want our baby to be our baby, not brought up by extended family.
SIL keeps making comments about how a baby shouldn't rule you, you rule it, we've declined a family holiday when DC will be around 4 months- as its 7hrs drive. For this I've been told I'm selfish and just because I've had a baby, doesn't mean they have to do what I want (I just suggested going somewhere closer to home). I've even offered to send DH and me and DC will stay home, but he doesn't want that. SIL also said that breastfeeding beyond 6m was 'wierd' and that her DD is perfect because of their parent style. After all this I got mad and told her 'we'll be parenting the way we want to, regardless of what you or the extended family think'. She's now not speaking to me. WWYD? I love extended family but our baby, our rules!

You'll get really good at nodding and uttering something such as we'll see or we'll bear that in mind I find it's the best way of dealing with it really, I don't want to poo poo other's suggestions as sometimes there's a good nugget of advice or something to ponder, but equally I don't want to get into a debate over it.

As long as DH is onboard, then you're great. I'd avoid the topic of conversation in order to preserve relationships too. You might find that some of this is also born out of past regrets. My MIL was told she couldn't BF DH and his brother as she didn't have enough milk. She really struggled with me BFing and made quite a few comments about wanting us to give DD formula so she could feed her. Basically it was because MIL needed validation that her choices were right and because I was BFing (and struggled through with it) it was flying in the face of her choices. Sometimes there's just a bit of history behind it, especially if they're usually nice people.

Again, you and your husband decide how to parent your child, but long live extended families, mine has been a godsend.

If we had done a 7hr drive with dd1 at 4m she would have slept the whole way, and it would have been the first and last 7 hour stretch she did until after her first birthday unfortunately I think you would need to stop at least twice so it would end up more like 9 hours. Not much fun.

I usually say things like "we will have to give that a go" or "unfortunately dd hasn't read the book" or "curse these uncooperative babies" very non committal and light hearted. If someone is really pushing it I ask if they would like to come round at 4am and demonstrate how to make the baby stay in the cot, noone has taken me up on it yet!

They need to grow up.

She sounds insecure really.

You need to find a way of not letting people with conflicting opinions upset you and vice versa - I've been there and trust me, it's easier just to let it go and do your own thing without giving them another thought rather than try to get them to see your view or fight over it.

People give parents unwanted advice. It's practically a rite of passage. Best you learn to handle it now before baby arrives!

If you shouted at your SIL or spoke to her rudely I would call her and apologise for shouting and ask if she is happy to be friends again as you miss her. But don't mention the subject matter.

Why are you even discussing this with people? Just don't! It's easier!

I know someone who go on about their choice of attachment parenting, how they are doing natural term weaning 'I'll BF as long as I can', their strict regime of no spoons allowed BLW. Just see what happens when baby arrives.

To be honest , if people aren't doing it your way it's not that interesting.

You might feel like you want to go on this trip at 4 months. I could have easily done a holiday (and really wanted too). Other times people aren't up for that sort of thing for years.

Just enjoying being pregnant.

It's this type of thing that makes me really glad I was 800 miles away from most of my family, and the first of my friends to fall pregnant, I hardly got any advice.

The best bit was "you'll get lots of advice, you only have to listen to the bits that resonate with you".

With the 7 hour drive you may find that you feel totally comfortable doing it when the time comes, may even be glad of the change of scene. Could you change your mind now and say yes, or maybe, and then change your mind if needs be when you are in the swing of things?

I drove almost 400 miles (prob about 7/8 hours) when ds was 4 months old, just the two of us, and it was totally fine. It was a decade ago now but I seem to recall ds slept most of the time, or was at least lulled by the movement of the car and was content.

And congrats on your pregnancy.

I've not had time to read all of the replies so sorry if I'm repeating people...

In my experience the best thing to do Is not to feel obliged to explain yourself to anyone and give brief answers if asked a direct question (sounds silly and extreme but I don't know how else to word it). I accidentally did attachment parenting (by accidentally I mean that I didn't read books about it, just went with my instincts), my sil has a DD the same age as mine and we have total opposite parenting styles, we both discuss how we did x, y, z but thankfully never say how we think our own way is better than the other. I really feel for you having a sil so opinionated.

I really have learnt not to bother explaining myself and my parenting choices to people more than once and it's not worth arguing with family over.

I would advise not setting rules for yourself before baby is born, just see how things work out, trust your instincts and don't go against your instincts because a book/method of parenting tells you to.

Also, I think your family are being very unreasonable expecting you to plan a holiday for when baby is 4 months old! Who knows how you'll be feeling. We had only just gotten the hang of BF at that age, it was the hardest thing I've ever done and you don't know how it'll work out. I couldn't have gone on a holiday when DD was 4 months old, I think I'd only brushed my hair twice by that age, it was a case of wash hair, air dry whilst cluster feeding and tie into a ponytail. No way would pack and plan for holiday have been possible.

Hope it all works out

Dh and I did a 5.5 hour drive when DD was 6 weeks old and that was fine. It took us a couple of hours longer - I was breastfeeding and we wanted to play with her a bit as well. I actually can imagine it was easier at 6 weeks than 4 months because she slept more. I breastfed for 2.5 years having not known if I would do it at all.

I had all sorts of ideas about how having the baby really wouldn't change my life much. Then I got a reality check. I ended up struggling to get into a routine and after about 8 weeks of hell where her sleep patterns were erratic and ranged from not sleeping for the entire day and waking 3/4 times to feed in the night to sleeping loads in the day and me struggling to keep her awake long enough to feed. I went one day and had a chat with our neighbour, she suggested trying Gina Ford and we both loved it.

I'd never heard of attachment parenting and I think DD and I created the near perfect bond. I responded to her needs and we were so close. She was an easy baby and I loved every minute of it. We were lucky though and until 6 months old, one of the most laid back babies there could be. Let's just say, she's not like that now, a bit calm before the storm - a feisty kid and very lovely.

Honestly, any pregnant woman who goes on about how she intends to parent (or any aspect of her pregnancy really) is an absolute bore. I don't care that you prefer cloth vs disposable and that you've decided on purple for the nursery. It's like they lose the ability to discuss anything else for that 9 months.

Do what you want, but stop sharing it with everyone.

Of course, your rules. But you sound awfully precious. A new baby is an exciting time for all of the family.

I'm sure if you're stuck and need help from them, you'll be grateful for it.

I honestly don't understand why people get so Irate about this. We frequently drive 5+ hours with our 7mo and have from birth.
Also, baby isn't here, so you don't truly know how you will parent, fantasies of how to do it are all well and good, but until you haven't slept in 24+ hours and your partner has to go to work, you don't know what help and who you will be happy to have about.