To tell SIL to bog off?

[CurvyBlonde]

So I'm nearly 18 weeks of with dc1 who is much longed for and already the light of our lives. Myself and DH have already agreed that we intend to do attachment parenting and that the 3 of us is all that matters. I love my in laws and my family but we just want our baby to be our baby, not brought up by extended family.
SIL keeps making comments about how a baby shouldn't rule you, you rule it, we've declined a family holiday when DC will be around 4 months- as its 7hrs drive. For this I've been told I'm selfish and just because I've had a baby, doesn't mean they have to do what I want (I just suggested going somewhere closer to home). I've even offered to send DH and me and DC will stay home, but he doesn't want that. SIL also said that breastfeeding beyond 6m was 'wierd' and that her DD is perfect because of their parent style. After all this I got mad and told her 'we'll be parenting the way we want to, regardless of what you or the extended family think'. She's now not speaking to me. WWYD? I love extended family but our baby, our rules!

Oh there is plenty more 'advice' to come, just be ready to pick your battles.

Like my mum and cousin were adamant my 3 month son should drink water because even they needs a drink of water after eating... erm okay. I kept explaining that I don't want to give him water before 6 months, unless there is reason to, but they were acting like I was the naive, fussy one. To end the conversation I just stopped answering.

It gets overwhelming but I have developed a perfect 'I'm listening but not really listening' face

Hiya. I have a 7 month DS and had a long list of things, not dissimilar to yours, that my partner and I intended to do with him.
I got tons of advice from family and friends, some of it helped, most of it was disregarded.
After my son was born I found all my plans went out the window. I planned to attachment parent but found it stifling. I also found my son hated baby carriers! I planned to extended BF but despite lots of support and assistance and all the training in the world (I'm actually a midwife!) my son never learned to latch on and we expressed and then (and now) formula feed.
All I would say is that you're not the only people deciding: that little person wiggling in your belly will decide what works for them, too. You've never parented before and you and your partner will figure out what works for you as a family. Your SIL might be being insensitive and it seems difficult but like others have said, smile and nod and let it wash over you. Relax a bit, try and stay open minded and enjoy this bit: I can promise you that the only thing you can be certain of is that it will be nothing at all like you thought it would be or planned it to be!

I don't get this 'smile and nod' response a lot of people have on here towards unwanted advice.

I always say im not interested in people's views and tell them to research it themselves if they don't get it.

Let the advice go in one ear and out of the other.

Having a baby does not ever give extended family a right to force you to parent their way.

Were they a party to your choice of home, finances, sex life or social life? If the answer is no. What gives them the right to co- parent?

You do what works for your family unit, not what 'benefits' the extended family.

I'm with your SIL.

Your post sounds insufferably know it all for someone who doesn't yet have kids. Yes ok maybe that's going to be your style of parenting but I bet your SIL finds you beyond irritating.

Just calm down and chill out. Life doesn't stop because you have a baby

I love my in laws and my family but we just want our baby to be our baby, not brought up by extended family

Don't burn your bridges or stick two fingers up at family

You never know what the future holds or when those family members may be a life saver to you.

I agree that you should keep an open mind as babies don't really follow the books. You are, however, right in telling your SIL to do one. No one else's business but yours and your partner's.

I also agree that attachment parenting has no relevance when it comes to a 7 hour drive with a 4 month old. It's selfish of your SIL to even suggest this. Many 4 month olds go through a sleep regression at this age. I was too tired to drive 7 minutes let alone 7 hours!

Why are people here fixated on her 'only the 3 of us matters' statement. I doubt she meant that she doesn't care about external family.

Stop turning her expression into something more selfish than intended.

See, OP. There is always someone who finds your excitement irritating.

All you can do is stick your tongue out at them and call them KillJoys!

^ another piece of advice you can stick two fingers up at

Everybody parents differently and your sis in law has a right to her "style" of choice but shouldn't judge you for your way.

However I would say don't get too hung up on what parenting style etc you want before your baby is even born.

Yes yes to this

• I love my in laws and my family but we just want our baby to be our baby, not brought up by extended family

Don't burn your bridges or stick two fingers up at family

You never know what the future holds or when those family members may be a life saver to you*

I love my in laws and my family but we just want our baby to be our baby, not brought up by extended family

I am very much what you would call, if you want to put a label on it, an attachment parent, but that is a ridiculous statement. Of course it isn't only the 3 of you that matters! And it will be your baby. It will be their grandchild. And they will have an entirely different perspective and relationship with your child to you. Don't shut them out already over a perceived difference. Your baby hasn't even been born yet!

"SIL also said ... that her DD is perfect because of their parent style."^
HAHAHAHAHAHAHA .

"She is used to planning everything for the extended family and sees my reluctance to change the holiday plans as my rebelling against her - much like my 'style' being at odds with hers."
She is not the boss of you. Planning a holiday does not mean she is in charge.

"SIL has always been lovely" - presumably because you have always done what she wanted you to do. Now that you have your own ideas on how to do something - oh, not so lovely ... .

As to what you should do about her not speaking to you - nothing. Absolutely nothing. Let her stew, it is for her to apologise. When she does, accept it graciously. And stick to your guns that you will parent and holiday how you wish to. Personally I wouldn't drive for 7 hours even without a baby.

I'm pleased you stressed that you intend to parent a particular way. Stay flexible, your baby may have other ideas!

What the hell is "attachment parenting"? It sounds dire if it boils down to only the three of you matter. You wait till the little bugger has you on your knees with sleepless nights and you will be howling for the extended to family to play their role.

You do not want unsolicited advice and interference, but you may find that you will be very glad of gentle support when times get tough - which they will. I should avoid dogmatic pronouncements until you see the nature of your child and how things pan out. He/she might be a screamer and then you will be in a pickle if you have shunned the wider support systems.

The Nigerian proverb quoted above about it takes a whole village to raise a child has a strong element of truth in it - and it is reflected in our own culture with godparents or sponsors whose job is to take an interest in this child and be around to support.

Don't cut everyone out just because your SIL is a P in the A. Cut her out, but not everyone.

My DGC have a raft of cousins and grandparents and aunties and uncles and they love seeing each other - they all help with child care, as do we, and these children from a tiny age have been sociable and felt hugely supported by the presence of wider family. They know that there are rafts of people who love them, and they learn to get on with lots of different people. All good. They also learn the valuable lesson that people do things differently and have different opinions, but they can still get on together.

Babies form their attachments naturally and easily without this hothousing approach. Just relax and share your love with the baby and all those who will love him/her too.

Your baby, your rules - but be careful what you wish for.

The advice will come thick and fast no matter what parenting style you are following.

Personally, I wouldn't get too sanctimonious about your prefered style of parenting. We tried to do attachment parenting and the one who made his disagreement most heard was... DS. He absolutely hated it so away went the ideas of co sleeping, carrying him around in a sling, etc. It just didn't suit him. so we annoyed both families for nothing.

My friend was the opposite, she was all Gina Ford, and ended up being the greatest advocate of attachment parenting I know.

Both our kids are normal and lovely despite being raised in a different way.

I am now of the idea that "it takes a village to raise a child". Honestly, it does. So keep flexible and do not burn bridges, you need quite a bit of support to raise a child.

'SIL keeps making comments about how a baby shouldn't rule you, you rule it'
Your SIL is jealous of you and wants you to take her advice

'SIL also said that breastfeeding beyond 6m was 'wierd' and that her DD is perfect because of their parent style'
Again, your SIL is jealous of you and wants you to take her advice.
She's on a high horse because she is a mum and in her mind you're just a mum-to-be but she is missing those days and the attention

Curvey, you can't do anything about how jealous she is feeling. That's for her to sort through. You can do something about her advice. Just listen and nod - and then do your own thing anyway.
My own SIL was a real know-it-all when I was pg. I was given orders advice on everything from her preferred choice of solid food for my DD to the best brand of nail scissors . Ten years later, on the rare occasion I do see her, she's still at it.
So, no YANBU wanting to tell your SIL to bog off. Good luck with her, and relax, there's still quite a way to go

Ok- when I say we're intending to attachment parent, we're well aware of the best laid plans etc and are happy to adapt to the baby, but if it was an ideal world, this is what we'd like. Im not being stubborn or naive and am well aware this may not work. I am really hormonal but every time the baby is mentioned there is some comment about my being a 'hippy'. I just want the chance to try our way without constantly being belittled or undermined :( already wishing we lived far away, as it is, they're 15 minutes away. Sorry to those who think I'm being silly :'(

In the nicest way possible - chill out. You are only eighteen weeks pregnant.

I say this with understanding as I have a 9 week old baby and before his birth came out with all sorts of hooey about what I would and would not to. I neglected to realise you don't choose what kind of baby you get. They have their own ideas about what is and isn't good for them and it's not always what you think it's going to be.

As an aside, I had a friend dead set on "attachment" parenting. Her DD ended up on formula and in her own room at 12 weeks . I on the other hand swore I would never co sleep but come 3am DS is invariably in bed with us. Moral of the story: you will do what works for you and that will be fine, but you can't possibly know what it is yet.

As an aside, I don't agree with "only the three of us matter". I think it's lovely to be part of a big and loving extended family. But that's how I was raised.

You wait till the little bugger has you on your knees with sleepless nights and you will be howling for the extended to family to play their role.

Hell, I'd be happy with some random loony off the street if it meant some peace and quiet away from my little monster darling.

STOP IT! Don't let anyone here or in real life, suck any of the joy you are feeling about your imminent parenthood.

They can just sod off and take their sour faces with them. They have no right to pour cold water over your understandably rose tinted views. You know it will change when the baby arrives, but you have every right to wallow in the joy of the possibilities.

Enjoy every moment of that picture perfect child

She sounds annoying but please don't paint yourself into a corner. You might not find breastfeeding possible, or easy, or you might have had enough by six months. The more definite you are now the worse you will feel if it doesn't work the way you think.

Your baby will also have its own personality and may have a view on how things go. I fed one of mine for 3 years but one was weaned at 3 months and the other two at six months. This was led by them, the one who was weaned at 3 months wanted steak and chips I think.

Your baby isn't your possession either. He/she has a right to have a healthy relationship with as many family members as possible.

I HATE the term AP. That's what ALL parents do anyway. Parent to the needs of each particular child.

I think that once your baby is born, and you have organically settled into whatever family style works best for you and your husband and baby, you will feel less bothered/threatened by your SIL's and MIL's comments. Sit tight until then and just maintain your vision of what you want, but don't waste time nor energy arguing.

I am a big contrarian and no shrinking violet, but I wouldn't bother asserting myself about this topic with them mid-pregnancy. Wait until you see if they actually try to interfere with your parenting, and save your ire for when (if) that occurs.

Agree that you could do with chilling out.

Also, when you get advice, it's best to smile, nod etc. instead of getting into some major debate. To do attachment patenting or to breastfeed does not need to be debated with family members, or even brought up. When your baby is born, do what you want.

When your baby is born, perfect strangers will tell you off for all sorts of random crap. A random woman told me I should never take my baby in the chilled/frozen aisles in the supermarket as it was too cold for babies. Another woman queried why my 7 month old baby was not walking yet. There are tonnes of fruit loops out there, you need to work on the smile and muttering ok to get rid of them.