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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell SIL to bog off?

112 replies

CurvyBlonde · 17/05/2016 16:54

So I'm nearly 18 weeks of with dc1 who is much longed for and already the light of our lives. Myself and DH have already agreed that we intend to do attachment parenting and that the 3 of us is all that matters. I love my in laws and my family but we just want our baby to be our baby, not brought up by extended family.
SIL keeps making comments about how a baby shouldn't rule you, you rule it, we've declined a family holiday when DC will be around 4 months- as its 7hrs drive. For this I've been told I'm selfish and just because I've had a baby, doesn't mean they have to do what I want (I just suggested going somewhere closer to home). I've even offered to send DH and me and DC will stay home, but he doesn't want that. SIL also said that breastfeeding beyond 6m was 'wierd' and that her DD is perfect because of their parent style. After all this I got mad and told her 'we'll be parenting the way we want to, regardless of what you or the extended family think'. She's now not speaking to me. WWYD? I love extended family but our baby, our rules!

OP posts:
Donatellalymanmoss · 17/05/2016 18:10

Why would you deny your child the chance to have other people in its life that will love and look out for them?

ipsogenix · 17/05/2016 18:12

A big part of having dc1 is learning to put your foot down with your extended family. When dc1 is born, you will learn that you are responsible for him, and that that includes telling your extended family where to get off sometimes. It's hard, but the sooner you establish the precedent the easier it will be. It's much easier to do this with your own family than with the inlaws.

Original poster
CurvyBlonde · 17/05/2016 18:13

I would never deny my extended family their relationship, but myself, DH and our baby will do things the way we want to/suits us. I will not be dictated to by people who want me to do things their way. I just wish there was a legitimate reason for them not to be around whilst DC is newborn.

OP posts:
Clarissa69 · 17/05/2016 18:13

Oh god she sounds like a pain in the arsenal with her well-meaning advice!
I don't know a thing about attachment parenting, nor did I breast feed but for Christ sakes it is YOUR decision. Tell her to keep her advice and shove it up her well meaning bottom. My sil is a total pain so I don't have much tolerance for them 😤
In terms of the holiday - again, you so what you want to. We went to Ireland when my ds1 was eight weeks and it was a total nightmare and not a holiday at all. Bad decision but we were doing 'the right thing' by extended family. Wouldn't do it again and actually I am quite enjoying saying no at the moment - it's liberating. Anyway, if you upset someone just say it's your hormones 😜

Abraid2 · 17/05/2016 18:13

Frankly a seven hour drive is much easier than taking a baby on a short flight.

Original poster
CurvyBlonde · 17/05/2016 18:14

Clarissa69 - thank you! That's kinda what I was hoping for Flowers

OP posts:
maybebabybee · 17/05/2016 18:15

You may find you actually want other people around when your DC is a newborn. I certainly did, and I was adamant I wouldn't beforehand.

Clarissa69 · 17/05/2016 18:17

Can I just say though that your close family do deserve to be a part of your baby's life - I mean grandparents for instance if they are around. I wouldn't want to prevent them from having that or my baby from having them in his/her life (unless they were awful people) but that's just me and it is ultimately your decision as you say.

bigbuttons · 17/05/2016 18:18

Ah, I see, an OP who just wants to listen to certain answers. I'm off.

Clarissa69 · 17/05/2016 18:18

Your sister in law however doesn't count lol!!

TheFuckersBitingMe · 17/05/2016 18:20

If I'm completely honest I think my MIL and parents (and extended family) have saved my sanity many times over the 10 years I've been parenting. They are invaluable to me and to the DCs. Cutting off your nose to spite your face is both pointless and painful. Be kind to the extended family; they're probably over excited and forgetting to think before they open their mouths. You don't have to dance to their tune or parent they way they suggest.

I will say this, though, everyone you meet has a raft of advice they're desperate to throw at you. 90% of it is bollocks. At least. You can ignore it, argue against it, whatever you like, but it will always be on offer. Thick skin and a regular dose of "what the fucking fuck" under your breath does the trick.

Kit2015 · 17/05/2016 18:20

I apologise if I have upset you it wasn't my intention.
I just wanted you to be aware that advice will be thrown at you from all sides and for your own sanity you need to find a way not to let it bother you.
As for keeping people away from you all when baby is newborn wait until baby is born and see how you feel. If you still feel like it. Say. Have a few weeks as your new family. Find out what works best for you all and then when visitors come you will know what works for you and baby and be confident enough to say.
For what it's worth. I follow alot of the attachment parenting (again I found what worked for us) and I am still BF DD 15 months. So I agree with what you want to do with regards to parenting. :)

JassyRadlett · 17/05/2016 18:22

Can you cultivate a bored/glazed look and repeat in a distracted way 'oh, we'll see what works for us after the baby comes' in response to each piece of 'advice'?

Lack of reaction is sometimes the best way to respond to someone who feeds off the need for validation.

PovertyPain · 17/05/2016 18:22

If you have serious concerns about their boundaries already, you'd better start thinking about the birth. Do you want visitors straight away? Do you want peace for a week? What happened when your sil gave birth? That should give you an idea as to what to expect when your turn comes.

ApocalypseSlough · 17/05/2016 18:25

Don't over share and don't burn any bridges. I didn't have any conversations about how I intended to feed or attach to my baby.
It's wise not to make complicated plans before baby is born but by the time dc1 was that age she'd flown to LA for a lovely holiday with family living there, driven to the Highlands from London and Newcastle regularly and to Devon for a posh New Year in a hotel.
She was an easy baby and I loved having the company and showing her off to family.

Mishaps · 17/05/2016 18:27

As Simon and Garfunkel said:" A man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest."

WordGetsAround · 17/05/2016 18:28

People keep mentioning 'unsolicited advice', but it seems obvious to me that the SIL is just responding to the OP going on about 'attachment parenting'. How else would the SIL know what the OP was planning? No one knew how we were planning to bring up our child as we didn't go on about it! From SIL point of view, it might be a little annoying having someone who hasn't even had the baby yet going on about 'their' parenting style.

Shakirasma · 17/05/2016 18:29

You seem a bit possessive to me OP. I think you need to chill a bit before baby arrives. Children can never have too many people who love them and I'm worried you are going to try and push family away to the detriment of your child.

Your bond won't be diluted by your baby having a close relationship with their wider family members.

MeMySonAndl · 17/05/2016 18:30

"when your baby is born, perfect strangers will tell you off for all sorts of random crap."

Oh yes, even unsuspected things: I was told off by a woman for using a pushchair, in her words, no other animal in the animal kingdom carries their young in an artefact"

If I had not been so sleep deprived I would have told her that I have not yet seen an animal of any class or order carrying their young in slings.Hmm

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/05/2016 18:33

Are they actually dictating to you? Or just offering well-meaning advice based on their own experiences?

Perhaps if you just look at it as them sharing their experiences and preferences, with the intention of helping you, then it'll bug you less.

SIL thinks bf beyond 6 months is weird. OK. That's her opinion. A lot of people share her opinion. I don't and you don't. So what? She can have that opinion and you can have a different opinion.

People without children opining on how they will raise their DC always come across as a bit daft to those of us with DC. Of course, we all did it ourselves when pregnant the first time, God knows I did. I had lots of great theories about how it would be. Within a few short weeks of birth, I shut the fuck up and listened to every bit of real world advice anyone had. Even the worst advice has a grain of something useful in it. It's daft to be arguing the toss with someone who has been there and done that when you haven't even got started. You'll cringe later.

Listen, ask questions, reserve judgement until you are in the thick of it, then do what works for you no matter what family, books and experts say. The only person you have to debate and agree with is the other parent.

nobilityobliges · 17/05/2016 18:33

I think you're being a bit U. Obviously your parenting is your decision, and no one would say otherwise, but I think that it's unreasonable to expect other mothers in your family not to say anything, and not to give advice. You don't have to take the advice, but what's the harm in listening to it? I don't get it. Surely it's best to get as many perspectives as possible. And I agree that your child has a right to a good relationship with their family. About the holiday - fair enough if you don't feel like making the trip when the baby is that small. Why not just say something conciliatory like you think that you'll be able to do something the following year or whatever.

Myinlawsdidthisthebastards · 17/05/2016 18:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
CurvyBlonde · 17/05/2016 18:41

He agrees with me, what's wrong with having ideas about the way we'd like* to do things. SIL only knows about the ideal of AP because she started banging on about nights as soon as DC was born. I said I won't be leaving DC for a very long time after birth. Especially not for a night on the piss!

OP posts:
VinoTime · 17/05/2016 18:44

Ah, welcome to the beginning of parenthood, OP. Buckle up and enjoy the never-ending roller coaster of judgement! GrinWink

As soon as LO arrives, there will always be someone around to tell you your parenting style is 'wrong'. It won't be wrong. It'll just be a little different to everybody else's style. We all parent in our own way and we are all guilty at times of believing our way is the right way because it worked for us. Just stick to what feels right for you and yours Flowers

maybebabybee · 17/05/2016 18:46

I said I won't be leaving DC for a very long time after birth.

Ten weeks ago, I said the exact same thing Grin

Does anyone fancy a night with my baby while I go and have a cocktail??

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