To tell SIL to bog off?

[CurvyBlonde]

So I'm nearly 18 weeks of with dc1 who is much longed for and already the light of our lives. Myself and DH have already agreed that we intend to do attachment parenting and that the 3 of us is all that matters. I love my in laws and my family but we just want our baby to be our baby, not brought up by extended family.
SIL keeps making comments about how a baby shouldn't rule you, you rule it, we've declined a family holiday when DC will be around 4 months- as its 7hrs drive. For this I've been told I'm selfish and just because I've had a baby, doesn't mean they have to do what I want (I just suggested going somewhere closer to home). I've even offered to send DH and me and DC will stay home, but he doesn't want that. SIL also said that breastfeeding beyond 6m was 'wierd' and that her DD is perfect because of their parent style. After all this I got mad and told her 'we'll be parenting the way we want to, regardless of what you or the extended family think'. She's now not speaking to me. WWYD? I love extended family but our baby, our rules!

I think you're picking battles where there needn't be any.

You are 18 weeks pregnant! Things like talking about parenting techniques should come much, much later...like when you're almost due to give birth, not even before you're half way.

I agree with a pp who says don't nail your flag to the mast with regards to what you intend to do - you don't want to have egg on your face when you end up ff, baby in own room and on a strict routine. As somebody also said, you can't dictate what baby you get.

When my DS found out she was expecting DN, she told me that the baby was going to fit in with her life and she was an avid reader of Gina Ford(?). Man, did she have a baptism of fire! Did I tell her she was in for a shock (was mom to 5 and 1 year old at that point)? No, I left her too it and listened to the incoherent rants about lack of sleep.

My advice is if she is stressing you out so much, take a back seat and let DH deal with her. She has no right to take the joy out of your pregnancy x

FWIW we took DS to Italy when he was 16 weeks. It was a doodle and we had a lovely time, which was a shock to me because prior to that we had barely left my house!

There is no real harm in paying a bit of lip service to the unwanted, unsolicited advice - some of it might prove to be useful, some of it wont be. In any other situation if you're about to have a life changing experience (new job, emigrate, major operation) and you met someone who had already experienced something similar you'd listen to what they said wouldnt you? (even if, in practice, you disregarded it).

Think of it like MN - scroll past the bits you dont like and think about the posts you do!

I'm wondering wheter you dont much like your SIL? Which is also fine (we dont all have to best friends) - but unless they are being truly awful I wouldnt cut them off (atleast not yet).

ps I appreciate you havent actually said you'd cut them off (I read in to that too much!)

I think that you're getting a hard time tbh, Op.

Telling people that you are intending to parent a particular way has obviously invited comment from Ils so I do think that you only have yourself to blame for that.

But selfish for not wanting to drive 7hrs and asking if somewhere nearer was possible?

That's not selfish or pandering to baby imo and the only answer to that is yes or no, to which your answer is that you will go or not-as with any invitation!

No need at all for somethong like that to descend into insults!

People plan their parenting techniques while pregnant? Mine are 8 and 4 and I'm still trying to figure it out. Some days it works better than others. That said Yanbu to say "sil this is our first baby so we don't want to plan a trip 7 hours away as we have no idea if we'll feel up to it."
Having said that, we took 5.5 month old twins and a 5 year old to euro disney and then we went to Canada when dd1 was 5 and dtds 22 months so I'm all about being with my dc but getting out and about.

You've got the whole travelling thing completely end-up. It's far easier to travel with a breast-fed baby than an FF one! A 7 hr trip will be fine if you can stop every couple of hours and feed baby in the car or a cafe. Breastfed babies are hugely portable.

Save your arguements to when baby is born. Ideals and things change.
Stick to your guns re Breast feeding if you can.
Baby 1 I lost my milk due to shock death of a school friend and had to bottle feed from 5 mths.
Baby 2 fed till about 20 mths. Baby 3 had cow milk and soya allergy so fed him till 3 plus.
Baby 4 decided she would pack it in at 12 mths and used a cup!
Read Breast is best. It was my bible after baby 2.
I would do the car journey. It sounds a nightmare. You and other half have a lovely weekend away instead.
I didn't get much help from either set of parents we managed fine.

Is your DS 18 weeks old or are you 18 weeks pregnant?

I think saying 'the 3 of us is all that matters' is going to bite you on your arse at some point. It's fine to have ideas about how to raise your child but may not be best to tell everyone what they are, kind of like parents who insist their kids will never be plonked in front of their TV or ever eat junk food.

I've even offered to send DH and me and DC will stay home, but he doesn't want that.

I don't blame him, I wouldn't want my OH 'sending' me anywhere, either.

I don't know why people need to know about your patenting style or how long you intend to breastfeed, especially when you aren't even halfway through the pregnancy. Are you telling them this, or are you just getting irritated by their unsolicited advice? If it's the former, stop telling them about it! If it's the latter, just smile and nod. My DM had a stand up row with the midwives in the hospital when my DS1 was born because they wouldn't let her in to see me outside visiting hours. She had to be escorted out of the hospital by my dad and brother! She also huffed and puffed about me breastfeeding, so I know what it's like. But the less they know the better. It's none of their business how your baby is brought up.

It's so weird it like people are reading what they want out of ops posts and twisting it round to bash her.

The sil brings it up not op.

The family are constantly nit picking at her.

Op has said she knows nothing's set in stone but this is her preferred way of doing things.

How on earth has op pushed the family out??!!

People see the word attachment parenting and lose there fucking mind.

oswin, that's because the notion of AP being somehow a special form of parenting is pretentious and irritating .

People who I know who actually claim to do AP instead of just getting on with the job of parenting tend to have pampered and over-indulged horror children

I have to say I wouldn't fancy a 7hr drive-it would have to be somewhere I really wanted to go or with people that I really wanted to see.

I agree with a pp that it would be more doable whilst breastfeeding & with a 4month old than in other circs, but I would still most likely give it a swerve!

Big buttons but the op hasn't said anything pretentious has she. Just that her preferred style of parenting would fall under the attachment parenting umbrella.

It's just a term used to describe doing certain things. It's widely used. There is no need to read anything into it.

It's just a descriptor.

It boggles me that now people are behaving like the op is cutting the family out.

Why should she have to put up with constant nasty comments?

Frankly it's fucking ridiculous that anyone can think the sil is right just because op uses the term ap, absolutely stupid.

oswin* it's a pointless descriptor because it is meaningless. AP is about being tuned into your children's needs. All parents who are not neglectful or abusive do that anyway. That's what parenting is.

To be honest, I think OP needs to grow a thicker skin, otherwise things will be a nightmare for her and for people around her.

At the end of the day, everybody do bring their children up as they please, everyone faces criticism from time to time so, bad idea being all precious about it, the way forward is to smile and ignore. There is a HUGE difference between the word "dictate" and the word "suggest", very few people dictate. Most just express their opinions, some put their foot in their mouths but it is rare for people to try to impose parenting styles on each other.

OP, I think you are getting a hard time here because you dared to express an opinion about how you are going to parent before your baby is born (this is what your SIL is reacting to as well seemingly), AND you used the term attachment parenting which always gets a strong response on mumsnet.

From reading your posts it seems you use the term AP to mean not leaving your child with other people at first and feeding on demand, neither of which are outrageous aims!

It is lovely to have plans about how your parenting will be, it is one of the great joys of expecting. Not all plans go wrong, lots of mine did but lots were achievable.

Just stop discussing it with her, when she makes plans to take your baby overnight just smile and nod, knowing that she will not be doing so.

oswin exactly! People here need to chill, she's a first time mother who has had a glimpse of what's to come re SIL and external family. It's only natural she feels a little afraid of losing control.

Thank you all, I really value everyone's input xx

I think that loosing control is something that comes with motherhood, babies are such unpredictable little things.

TBF I think that op is reading far too much into SIL's comment and is over reacting to it.

Just enjoy your pregnancy op, your sil is being unreasonable and a nasty piece of work. She probably feels challenged because you're expecting now and she thinks you are going to better her.

There is nothing wrong with saying you don't want to leave the baby with anyone for a long while. I said the same thing and I haven't left her with anyone, I don't feel the need to, I enjoy her company and I don't need a night out or time to myself because thats just my personality.

Others are different and thats fine too!

Don't let them bring you down, but avoid telling them your 'plans' because if you change your mind they will ask you about it smugly, and you don't need the 'I told you so's'

Stop discussing your parenting plans woth inlaws for a start. Smile and nod at advice. You could be coming off as being super preachy with sil being defensive or sil could be ott.

Start using stock reply of 'we will wait and see how it goes when the baby comes'

You do sound very anti family

You do sound very anti family

This may be because of this:

much longed for and already the light of our lives.

Op is probably feeling so deliriously happy to be expecting that you do feel like you want to just hide away and keep the baby all to yourself. I know both sides were OBSESSED I was pregnant and I got some ideas in my head that might be considered anti- family

Stop discussing it. You will get so much advice and you must smile, nod and do your own thing. The less information you give, the less criticism you'll attract. If your choices are criticised, you should be prepared to smile through gritted teeth for the next eighteen years or practice saying 'That sounds like a great approach but we've decided to do X.'

I don't think you meant the 3 of you are all that matters. You meant you are going to be a solid little unit.