To be surprised at this Mother

[Lucylaceingale]

I have 4 DC's 21, 19, 17 and DS(8), I don't do school pick ups and I'm not as invested in playground gossip as DH is (he loves it) and I'm not particularly close with any of the other Mums.

DS(8) has been great friends with another boy since Reception, but over Christmas a new family moved in on our street, with a DC the same age as DS8 who started at the same school.

DS' long time friend promptly dropped him in favour of the new boy, but with older siblings and a host of after school activities, DS quickly moved on, we haven't had contact with the friend / friends family since February.

DS' birthday is coming up and is on the same week as the friends birthday, it falls on a Friday, so we've chosen to celebrate on the Saturday instead, DH is taking DS and 4 friends down to London for the day and is dragging along our 17 year old DS as extra help, DS17 agreed as long as he could bring a friend, the friend turned out to be our new neighbours oldest DS, the older brother of the new boy.

On Saturday the older brother asked DS17 if he could bring along new boy on the day and DH agreed.

Yesterday, DS8' old friend was handing out invites to his birthday party on the same Saturday as DS8' trip, 10 kids were invited, mixture of boys and girls, DS was not included.

This afternoon I received a very passive aggressive email from Friends Mum, she thinks I've purposely caused the dates to clash and went out of my way to invite half of her sons invitee's and have stolen new boy.

She writes 'I didn't expect her DS to receive an invite but I certainly didn't think that you'd ruin his party'

I'm in complete shock, I have no idea what to write back or why she's getting so upset, I've never dealt with anything like this.

She is BU. I'd go for ignore too.

There should be a test before you have kids. Ignore her, OP, and be grateful your own son doesn't have parents capable of putting him in this position. Her poor son.

She sounds disappointed and upset as kids must have started turning down her son's party. However, you clearly didn't know about her plans! If she isn't completely narcissistic then when she calms down she should feel very embarrassed! If I was her I would have spoken to you and said it was obviously a poor coincidence and very cheeky but is there anyway you could take kids London the next day so they both can celebrate their birthday without a clash. That's a big favour to ask and she went the wrong way about it! Silly women!

I would ignore her.

Or, conversely, I'd turn it around on her, not address her text, but send her an equally crazy text accusing her of trying to steal your son's party guests, seeing as how your son's invites were distributed first. :)

I think this is one occasion when you shouldn't ignore the message, because she'll only start moaning round all the other parents. But all you need is a short reply saying you made your arrangements first, obviously you had no means of knowing she was planning a party the same day, and that if anything it is she who is muscling in on your prior arrangements.

I either wouldn't reply at all (and as you have little to do with the playground cliques I guess you wouldn't care if she starts bitching about you) or else send a one-line reply "How could I possibly know what your plans are?".

Silly moo!

I agree that you shouldn't ignore, but I wouldn't go for anything more than a professional toned:

DS' party was arranged over a week ago and we obviously had no way of knowing you were planning a party for your DS at the same time. If it means so much to you to avoid a clash next year then please let us know what date you are planning in advance.

Is the Saturday the other boy's actual birthday?

You say your DH likes gossip - let him reply, and deal with the fallout?

I dare you to ask her if she's on glue?

I vote for "are you on glue?"
In the real world I would Send "oh dear, that's an unfortunate coincidence, we did make plans over a week ago and had no idea of your plans"

I'd send her this text:

Dear bonkers ex-friend,

I am so sorry that my crystal ball was on the blink, and my ability to discern the future failed me when I was planning my son's birthday celebrations.

As I had NO idea what you were planning for your son's party, or when you were planning to have it, there is NO way I could have deliberately planned for our party to clash with yours.

Kindly give your head a wobble and stop making such ridiculous accusations!

I'd reply saying 'I've arranged my son's party on the day that was most convenient for him and us, and our plans were finalised over a week ago when I had no idea of yours. I have no interest in making things difficult for you or your son and I'm pretty offended that you think I would have done something so ridiculous.'

Wish I could ask if she's on glue, the email makes it sound like her DS is utterly heartbroken and it's all my fault, so cheeky. I'm sure she'll gossip in the playground regardless of if I reply or not but DH can gossip with the best of them, she has no idea what she's up against.

It's no ones actual birthday on Saturday, DS' is on Friday and her DS' the following Monday, so their's only 2 days between the dates and we both chose the closest Saturday.

I'm 99% sure if I reply she will most certainly reply back, from the email she seems to think that DS has been distraught by her son dropping him and so this is my way of revenge

I'm actually more annoyed at the fact that she thinks DS' life revolves around her Son and that I have nothing better to do then think about how to ruin an 8 year olds birthday.

This is the mother of your ds' long-term friend who dropped your ds in favour of new boy? New boy has tagged himself on to your ds' birthday trip, without having been invited. Hmmmm. Sounds like this is a joust between the two other mothers. Leave it.

Looking at my first answer, it is way too long. On reflection, I'd go for:

"How the fuck was I supposed to know when you were planning to have your son's party?"

Don't think you really need to ask if she's on glue, she clearly is!

I wonder if this is more to do with her insecurity over her DS than anything else. He's dropped your DS like a hotcake, your DS hasn't been appropriately devastated and now new friend seems to be getting friendly with your DS. Seems like she may be slightly worried about her DS' behaviour impacting his own social status.

I'd hit the spam button on her email

She's worried her DS is now without a friend -

I'd try not to worry about her - let your DS have his party (sounds fab) and enjoy the day - don't let her cloud his birthday!

Text back "whoops! Perhaps you could rearrange, DS would love to come, thanks"

But then I like to stir (sometimes)

She's just made herself look spectacularly stupid. This is your fourth child, OP! You know the score when it comes to birthday parties, more than most I would imagine. I'd write back with something along the lines of:

Dear X,

Please don't contact me again. I resent being accused of sabotage when it is actually you who has been spectacularly rude by hosting a party at the same time as ours (invitations went out weeks ago). Maybe if you'd taken the time to consider this and approached me in a polite, adult manner, we could have reached some kind of compromise. As it is, I will not be drawn into further discussion around what seems to centre on your own insecurities and lack of planning.

I wish X junior a very pleasant birthday.

Friday is closer to Saturday than Monday, so technically you have more rights to celebrate on the Saturday ( )

What was she expecting you to do, have the party on the FOLLOWING Saturday?

I would add to Furious' note, "Please don't project your own methods of behaviour onto me."

At least you know how she expected you to behave, and thus proclaimed herself to be mean-spirited, tit-for-tat, petty-minded individual. Feel sorry for her son, and keep yours away from him.

She is being unreasonable IMO.

I don't swear often but this would be one of the times I would be rather tempted to just reply something along the lines of 'get fucked'

FFS. She needs to get a grip. I would have to reply before she started spreading her bullshit around. Just something straight to the point about how on earth were you supposed to know when her child's party was and yours was arranged a week ago, then just leave it.

DS and his best friend have birthdays 3 days apart. There was a panic one year when DS's invites went out and best friends mum came over the next day in a panic. Turns out she had booked a (pay per head) party for the same day (DS's actual birthday but the closest weekend day to her DS's). Thankfully there was an hour between the parties so it was fine, if not very hectic! She initially said she thought she would have to change hers. This is what rational people do, try to come up with solutions (I would have also helped to find a solution) not email other parents making up crap. Sounds like she thinks you have done it because her child ditched yours in favour of the new boy. She needs to get over herself if she thinks that her or her child is frankly that goddamn important in you life feel free to tell her this.

I haven't replied, but have received another email from her tonight, it's pretty short. She hopes I don't take her words personally, she was very upset at discovering half her DS' invites won't be able to attend and reacted impulsively, she understands that I can't cancel DS' day out but as her DS is so upset could I disinvite new boy, her exact words were 'free up new boy for the day' as he's very close to her DS

WTF, firstly she's acting like my DS and hers were never friends, when 6 months ago they were glued at the hip and secondly no, no, no, a thousand times no!! Who even thinks to ask someone to do that

That's some brass neck! So you have to upset new boy, piss off his parents and his older brother, who is friends with your son and is going on the day out, just to appease a woman who had a right go at you for something that wasn't your fault!

This is the time to use "are you on glue!"