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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be annoyed about this grandmother?

49 replies

deliverdaniel · 17/05/2016 03:48

Our good friends have 2 DDs age 3 and 5, we have 2 DS's of 2 and 5. We look after each others kids from time to time, but both acknowledge that it is pretty hard work to look after all four together and so only ask the other one in emergencies/ if we are really stuck. Usually if we see each other for playdates etc, the adults (usually me adn the other mum) will stick around.

The friends went away for a two days without the kids and their grandmother came to stay in their house to look after the girls. They gave the grandmother our number as an emergency contact. Day 1, after she picks the girls up from preschool the grandmother calls me. I got very worried seeing her number pop up as I assumed it was an emergency. She asked me if she could bring the girls over for a playdate. I said yes assuming she would stay around. But when she turned up it was clear she wanted to drop off the girls with me and go out for the afternoon by herself. There was no emergency, she just obviously couldn't be bothered to look after them. But it was hard to say no because when they arrived the kids were excited to see each other and it was hard to disappoint them. Having all four all afternoon was hard work and meant I couldn't take my two out for the afternoon as I didn't have enough car seats. AIBU to be annoyed? Or am I being precious?

OP posts:
Lifeisontheup2 · 17/05/2016 04:24

TBH she may not have known that staying around was what you generally do, I wouldn't have assumed this when my children were that age. Going round to play meant leaving your children and having children left with you when it was your turn.
So YABU if you didn't make your expectations clear before agreeing.

Out2pasture · 17/05/2016 04:28

sounds like the gm misunderstood your role.
I would let her know (if she calls again) that you are happy to help out in case of an emergency but unfortunately have some plans in place, again emphasizing that the plans can be changed for emergencies. good luck :)
maybe she is finding caring for the two harder than expected and could use some suggestions to local places to take the children?

dailymaillazyjournos · 17/05/2016 04:52

I think it's possible that she doesn't know about modern playdates - ie that parents often stay. I'm mid 50's and when dd had friends to play or went to friends, parents left the children. Whether that was just who I mixed with, or whether that was the usual thing then, I'm not really sure. But parents just didn't stay.

It's only through MN that I can see that that's often not the way it works now. So maybe your friend's Mum is just doing what she did when she was at the playdate stage. I think some ideas about good things to do with kids where you are might be useful as she might be struggling to look after her dgc's and keep them occupied.

citychick · 17/05/2016 05:19

I also think Granny misunderstood. But I do think her daughter should have explained a little more clearly about what emergency means.

Did u discuss "emergency contact" before hand? Presumably?

Unfortunately it has own fallen to you to clear up the misunderstanding.

With children as young as these ones, I wouldn't expect anyone to look after them all by themselves. And you clearly join forces to share the care.

I think granny felt out of her depth with her GC, even if she is fit as a fiddle. She should also be communicating with her daughter about this.

I would feel a bit cross too. yANBU. Lesson learned. Xxx

Spermysextowel · 17/05/2016 06:03

This wasn't really a playdate. It was the parents leaving their children in the care of someone who then chose to delegate that care.
Regardless of how modern playdates work it was rude of her to invite her grandchildren to your house & effectively dump them on you.
As the parents are presumably now back it won't crop up again soon, but I'd try to give the parents an indication of how it happened or they may be so pleased at how well it all panned out for granny & you that they'll be planning another couple of days away.

1frenchfoodie · 17/05/2016 06:04

YANBU to be annoyed but seems likely she misunderstood that a playdate meant staying and may also have underestimated the hard work of 2 kids for 2 full days.

A quick chat with your friends on return should sort this out, perhaps by giving granny some ideas of activities/places to take the kids.

MyLocal · 17/05/2016 06:07

You are assuming your friend told GM your number was for emergencies, possibility she downplayed to GM what hard work it would be looking after her two and said if they got bored you would take them for a few hours.

ThenLaterWhenItGotDark · 17/05/2016 06:08

Apart from the grandmother not understanding- which I imagine is the case,( it's only with our generation that the whole social event hellonearth of the whole family having to be involved with kids playing has sprung up,) I reckon what probably happened was that once the kids got home from preschool they asked if they could go and play with their friends next door. Who they often go and play with. Which again, is what used to happen.

So, YABU really, especially if you didn't say anything to her.

insancerre · 17/05/2016 06:24

Yabu
It sounds like a misunderstanding

Spermysextowel · 17/05/2016 06:45

If it's a misunderstanding i.e. your friends didn't explain to the grandmother the circumstances in which she should phone you then YABU to be annoyed with the granny. If they didn't make it clear YANBU to be annoyed with your friends.

WutheringTights · 17/05/2016 06:52

Have some posters missed the ages of the children? Three year olds still need a lot of adult supervision, particularly when there's a two year old involved too. Dropping a three year old at someone's house for the afternoon isn't a play date, it's free childcare. I'm with you OP, she was cheeky and rude. No advice though I'm afraid other than to say no next time.

WhenSheWasBadSheWasHorrid · 17/05/2016 07:04

Definitely cheeky. If she asks again explain you have plans and can only help out in an emergency.

Littlecaf · 17/05/2016 07:06

What has your friend said to you? I suspect once she realises that's what happened, she might let you know that there was a misunderstanding. I can imagine my DM doing this, and just thinking it was OK as its what she (and her friends) did in the 1980s with us!

BikeRunSki · 17/05/2016 07:08

Sounds like your friend may have said something like "here's deliverdaniel's number in case you need anything...". Rather than "please only ring her if it is an absolute emergency".

DoreenLethal · 17/05/2016 07:20

She asked me if she could bring the girls over for a playdate

You should really have at that point asked what the emergency was. If you were planning on taking your kids out then you should have said so.

228agreenend · 17/05/2016 07:33

I think it was cheeky of the grandmother to ask you to look after the children.

citychick · 17/05/2016 07:34

Doreenlethal
that is true, but granny should have really realised that these very young children need more than one responsible adult around.
granny should have stayed IMO

insancerre · 17/05/2016 07:34

I don't get your point about going out and car seats. You couldn't go out if she had stayed with the children either
I'm not sure I would want a stranger in my house all afternoon anyway

I think you do feel taken advantage of, and rightly so but you could have just said no when she rang
At least you will know what to do next time

NoahVale · 17/05/2016 07:35

I am surprised she did that. You would have thought she would have wanted to cherish the opportunity to spend with her grandchildren.

NoahVale · 17/05/2016 07:37

but i woudtn have expected the granny to stay around, nor would I have wanted her to

emmalimesmom · 17/05/2016 07:41

shes got a nerve asking for a play date at yours , what she really meant was could you look after the kids.
maybe her daughter tells her about your friendship and how you have each others kids at your houses and thought you wouldnt mind. i woudnt say anything to the gran , bring it up with your friend if it bothers you that much but .........
if you had said no im busy in the first place it wouldnt of happened.
this drives me mad at work when ppl agree to do something and then moan they dont want to do it

just say no, im busy
sorry op but its something that really annoys me

EarthboundMisfit · 17/05/2016 08:03

That's really cheeky! I'd be miffed.

Fairenuff · 17/05/2016 08:07

it was hard to say no because when they arrived the kids were excited to see each other and it was hard to disappoint them

How did this stop you explaining to her that you couldn't have them on your own and would expect her to stay too like your friend usually does?

diddl · 17/05/2016 08:10

TBH I'd be more annoyed with myself for getting suckered into it.

JonSnowsBeardClippings · 17/05/2016 08:16

I don't know why you even said yes to the play date - did you want granny over making conversation all afternoon? Surely when kids are that young play dates are more for the parents to hang out and chat while the children entertain themselves!