to think that my mum should have sounded a bit more willing to come home?

[Arrowfanatic]

My grandad (mums dad) is very unwell. This last couple of weeks he's taken a turn for the worse and is pretty much in bed most days (he has cancer, and is 85). My nan understandably is finding this hard to deal with, she's the kind of person who doesn't stop and expects everyone to be up, dressed and showered every day no matter what by early morning. My grandad is too weak, due to the nature of his cancer he can barely eat and he wants to stay in bed or just sit in his PJ's all day.

My mum is abroad to help my sister who is heavily pregnant with her third and plans to stay after her c-sec to help (my sister does have a husband btw).

I called my mum explained everything and suggested she may want to consider citing her trip short as grandad is due a scan soon and I expect it to say the cancer has spread. In which case I know that my nan is likely to get very upset and my already depressed grandad is likely to get even more down. I just feel I can't cope with this on my own. I have several young children myself and although a sahm and a few streets away from my grandparents I'm pretty busy as can be expected with a mother. However when I suggested this to her she just said she has an open ticket and if she feels it necessary she will come but I got the sense that she literally just means should he die.

Maybe I'm bu, and I need to act like a grown up but this man is pretty much my dad and I simply don't feel like if things get much worse that I could cope. Since mum has been gone I've had to arrange extra doctors appts to their home, nurse visits, try to persuade them to have home help, and generally be there.

I suppose on one hand I'm scared about the future, and want my mum here to take the lead over HER parents. But she is so blasé about it all, truthfully I think she's just having a blast abroad and doesn't want to deal with her elderly parents as she's not that kind of daughter iyswim.

Thanks, it's hard to get across on a site like this what the full background is so im not entirely surprised by some responses. I hate to drip feed, but I could fill a whole thread just with mums skanky boyfriend dramas (basically depending on whether she is his girlfriend or his bit on the side depends on whether she's is around for her family or not), and my younger sisters crazy selfish behaviour (my older sister is an amazing human being). But it's hard as despite my mum's questionable traits it's still her parents, still my much beloved grandparents and I do feel like I've been handed all the responsibilty with none of the information and am feeling my way through. Now this extra possible diagnosis is making things harder too.

I'm so sorry to hear about your grandfather

Though they have a complicated relationship, I cannot personally fathom why your mother would choose to do this except that when she finally chose to support your sister she checked out. Maybe she can't deal with the mortality issues. She may not be able to support your parents the way they want, but she could support you. But as iwill said about someone else's comments, you are best to try to accept she won't be there to help you or anyone else in this.

I'm pretty sure everyone in your situation just feels their way blindly through. Good luck with whatever this throws your way.

It does seem strange that she doesn't want to come home & see her father.

For whatever reason though that seems to be the case.

"Meanwhile, my sister had her baby (naturally, no section in the end),"

Why would you put that?

You mean that it was a lie that a csection was/might be necessary?

From your sister to make your mum go or from your mum as a reason to go for a while?

No, my sister was set for a planned section but ultimately she went into labour early and decided to try for a v-bac. I was just trying to set the scene (so to speak)

Ah! Apologies for the accusations of lying/skullduggery

I'm going to go against the grain here and say that I wholly sympathise with you regarding your DM. She sounds like a cow, to be honest. Yes, she's been supporting your DSis, but to plan a driving holiday when she's got an open-ended return ticket and knows how ill her dad is? That's just really shitty of her. As for her wishing them dead so she can get her hands on their money

OP no one knows what to do in these circumstances, everyone flounders and stumbles and doesn't know who to call or what to do. You sound like you're being a tremendous support to your Gran and with your Grandad in hospital now at least she won't be so stressed at home. Take it one day at a time. Send a group email to all the family keeping them updated and if help is needed, ask them to pitch in. You're local and a SAHM so people will assume you have the time to help, but if your DC are small, your DH works long hours and you're DM is gallivanting around Europe on holiday I can see that you're run ragged. You can only do so much OP, so do what you can and ask for help with the rest. for you.

I thought BillSyke's post was excelllent.
OP, I really think your view of your sister and your mother is clouding your objectivity.
Instead of thinking that your mother is running from her god-bestowed duty to sacrifice herself under the wheels of duty, you need to get your gps to agree to outside help and rally the family.

Yes - you SHOULD get respect for what you're doing. But can you see how it happens that - such is the force of gender expectations (daughters MUST sacrifice themselves) - that you DON'T.

What you are doing becomes invisible.

And the irony is that you are doing it yourself.

Your response is fury that your mother isn't fulfilling her gender-duty. It is HER 'job' to be doing this. You're furious at her - not the wider family who are in blithe denial and ignorance.

I'd be angry. Though possibly not with your mother.

I'd be bloody fuming with all of them - including DM who seems to think her holiday is more important than helping out when the OP is really struggling and has asked her to return. I agree with the 'gender expectation' - its almost ALWAYS the DDs who are expected to rally round, hardly ever the DSs. But that doesn't get away from the fact that the OP's DM is being a selfish cow right now. She doesn't sound upset at all, she just sounds like she's having too much fun to come home.

She is being very unfair in doing the nice thing that she wants to do and leaving the crappy stuff to you.'

No. She made a choice to help her daughter. OP made a choice to help her grandparents. Neither were obliged to help either set of family. They all made choices, just because the mother made different choices than the OP has made doesnt mean she is wrong.

Honestly, OP, it sounds as though your mum is not the best person to be dealing with your grandparents anyway. And I wonder why anyone would think she would be.

I would not ask my untrained, easily distracted, slightly clumsy dd to perform brain surgery. I wouldn't build a bath out of paper. You choose things thst suit purpose.

Your mother is clearly not suited to nursing, administration, or calm, long-term caring and selflessness.

What kind of madness has descended on you all to demand that she suddenly become this person?

Is it need? Wishful hope?

I get it. I'm sure your grandmother wishes her dd had steadiness and steadfast love - it holds you to life and embeds you in a way that gives most of us satisfaction. And I'll bet you longed for thst sort of calm, cherishing love As a child.

But it clearly isn't who she is. And wishing won't make it so.

I still think you're doing too much, though.

And I think that if you have a gift for thst kind of 'gardening' love: a love that nurtures, and organised, and is practical, and sees things through; that kind of love is going to gift you a great deal of joy.

And, yes, I respect you for what you're doing(though I think your family need to get stuck in).

She made a choice to help her daughter.

Well yeah, she did. Except now her DD doesn't really need her help so she's off on holiday instead!

But I agree with this: your mum is not the best person to be dealing with your grandparents anyway too. Seriously, do you want her coming back and being awful to your GPs? She doesn't have their best interests at heart. It sounds like she really couldn't care less, tbh. So work with what you've got and count her out of the equation.

The 2 week holiday thing...well yes that does sound bad, but on the other hand, it sounds like your DM has been shouldering a lot of responsibility. Didn't you say when at home she visits twice a week and phones every day? That is a big commitment. What more do you/your grandmother want from her? Why is your grandmother furious with her daughter, who does so much for her, and not with her son, who does much less?

This whole thing just reminds me of my DM who is caring for her father. He has several sons too, none of them help at all and it is all just down to her and I feel really sorry for her. The sons won't help because they say he wasn't a good father, but it's only my DM who feels this sense of duty to help. And when I have my next baby (abroad), I would like her to come here and help me. And I also think she deserves a holiday from time to time, and not to be tied permanently at home and at the beck and call of my grandfather.

It does seem very callous when your GF is in hospital and so seriously ill to go on a driving holiday.

I think you need to ignore your mother and her antics - would she really be much help in this situation or just more stress - in any case she isn't going to be around so you need to focus on getting as much support as you can from rest of family who are and access any external help you can.

Don't forget you need to look after you as well as your GP and children - you can't do that well if you are end up making yourself ill by taking too much on.

Why is your grandmother furious with her daughter, who does so much for her, and not with her son, who does much less?

I think the sad fact is, for women, sacrifice is expected and no sacrifice a woman can make is too great. Not so for men.

I find it sad that the fact OP's mother has been putting in a good deal of effort - despite it not being something she seems particular suited for - is just 'invisible'. Similarly 'invisible' are all these men and their lack of effort.

It's so weird to be in the C21 and to see that, in many ways, the expectations we have concerning women haven't shifted that much.

" it sounds like your DM has been shouldering a lot of responsibility."

Yes, I was wondering how much Op's mum had been doing.

And if she's decided no more, is that fair enough?

And if Op can no longer cope, is it up to her mum to step back in?

The Gps have other children don't they & the Op has siblings.

There's no reason at all for it all to fall on her.

Well yeah, she did. Except now her DD doesn't really need her help so she's off on holiday instead!

And?? She isnt obliged to be nurse and carer for sick relatives if it isnt what she wants to do.

I think sometimes parents reap what they sow. People can be great grandparents and awful parents. It's very unlikely to me that a daughter with a good relationship with loving parents will not choose to come home.

Good on your DM for escaping the FOG - fear obligation and guilt.

No matter how much drip feeding you do, I STILL am on her side. If more women refused to sacrifice themselves on the altar of family expectations, society would be better for it.

I think you have a lot on your plate and are frustrated at the lack of support, as most people would be in your situation - even if they are saying otherwise on this thread.
However it is yours mums choice to do what she has. It's her relationship with her parents and you can't change that unfortunately. I think I would lose some respect for her tbh, but you can't change her - you can only deal with the consequences.

I think you now need to concentrate on doing the best for yourself and your gps. That might include some tough love. You need to get across to them the limitations of what you can do and persuade/force them to get outside help in. Basically you do what you can but you have to think of yourself and the rest of your family too.

Be brave. I think my relationship with my mother would suffer going forward though, unless there are very good reasons/relationship strains, why she has acted as she has.

Thecatfromjapan says it well. Your DM is who she is and won't be meeting the expectations of her DM, or you,mor that matter.

Your GM does have access to a great deal of help from outside agencies and is being unreasonable in refusing that help whilst complaining about her DD's lack of support. She knows her better than anyone.

The best you can do is encourage your GM to accept that help and get things sorted for your GF going home.

Sorry, it sounds hard but conserve your energies for stuff you can change rather than those you cannot.

It's still at the stage of 'might have' though isn't it? You're mother has made it clear that she will come home if the situation is confirmed to be desperate. Not on the basis of 'might bes' or 'more tests needed'. Given that your GM seems to be quite determined to pressure her into being a carer I'm wondering how many times before your DM has had her plans disrupted by 'might bes' which have turned out not to be quite so desperate when she got back?

In fact, I highly suspect that your mother has removed herself from the situation because she is putting her foot down and saying she is not going to be forced into being a carer for someone who is just being awkward by refusing to accept other help. I suspect the fact that all she is hearing from home is 'You have to come back and take over these responsibilities with no help again' is exactly the reason why this driving holiday has materialised. She's sending a message. You can't take her for granted and you need to work out how this situation will be managed without just resorting to the default of 'Mum must sort this, she must do everything'. She's forcing GM to deal with the situation that she needs help other than her.

I'm sorry to say, but I think the way you are dealing with GM (picking up DMs role, agreeing she is right and DM must come back and be a carer and facilitating her refusal to seek outside help) is just prolonging the situation.

I think if you grab the bull by the horns and have your GM accept outside help and accept the situation as it is then you might find that DM is much keener to return home. I just don't think she wants to return to a miserable situation.

If I was your mum, even if I was unwilling to take on a carer role (which I don't condemn her for btw), I would still come home and take the pressure off my dd by insisting my parents had outside help and would sort that for them. I would still view it as my responsibility, more than my child's, to manage my parents and their expectations.

The mum isn't coming across to me as particularly put upon and even if she was, she seems quite happy to throw her daughter under the bus in her attempt to bugger off on holiday with her bf break free

The DM has been trying to make them accept outside help and they won't. Given that her DD thinks that she should just come home and do the caring, why on earth would her coming back make one jot of difference to whether they accepted outside help? It wouldn't make things worse, because OP and her GM would fall back into the default position of 'DM is here, she can do it'. It sounds like her entire family have been quite cheerfully throwing DM under a bus for quite some time.

DM is not forcing OP to take on this responsibility, she has chosen to. The answer is that the OP also needs to step back and insist than GM needs to take the help available rather than trying to force unwilling or unable family members to do it instead.

The DD has 2 children, gave birth a few days back and doesn't need any help?! Righty ho. She might not have had to have a section (and we have heard nothing about what kind of VB it was, plenty of them are harder to recover from than an ELCS) but it seems fair to say she's going to have her hands full.

Some good posts from billsykes and thecatfromjapan here. I don't think you're BU OP, but I do think you're wrong. The problem here is your gran. I hope you're ok. Look after yourself.

Your DM may have had enough.