to think that my mum should have sounded a bit more willing to come home?

[Arrowfanatic]

My grandad (mums dad) is very unwell. This last couple of weeks he's taken a turn for the worse and is pretty much in bed most days (he has cancer, and is 85). My nan understandably is finding this hard to deal with, she's the kind of person who doesn't stop and expects everyone to be up, dressed and showered every day no matter what by early morning. My grandad is too weak, due to the nature of his cancer he can barely eat and he wants to stay in bed or just sit in his PJ's all day.

My mum is abroad to help my sister who is heavily pregnant with her third and plans to stay after her c-sec to help (my sister does have a husband btw).

I called my mum explained everything and suggested she may want to consider citing her trip short as grandad is due a scan soon and I expect it to say the cancer has spread. In which case I know that my nan is likely to get very upset and my already depressed grandad is likely to get even more down. I just feel I can't cope with this on my own. I have several young children myself and although a sahm and a few streets away from my grandparents I'm pretty busy as can be expected with a mother. However when I suggested this to her she just said she has an open ticket and if she feels it necessary she will come but I got the sense that she literally just means should he die.

Maybe I'm bu, and I need to act like a grown up but this man is pretty much my dad and I simply don't feel like if things get much worse that I could cope. Since mum has been gone I've had to arrange extra doctors appts to their home, nurse visits, try to persuade them to have home help, and generally be there.

I suppose on one hand I'm scared about the future, and want my mum here to take the lead over HER parents. But she is so blasé about it all, truthfully I think she's just having a blast abroad and doesn't want to deal with her elderly parents as she's not that kind of daughter iyswim.

[StrictlyMumDancing]

"My uncle works full time in the city so is a couple of hours away. He will ring regularly too and visits every couple of weeks if he is able."

I live a few hours away from my DPs and cannot drive (DH can but works), but when she became seriously ill - after the incident I mentioned earlier - for a long time I called everyday and made a visit weekly. I also offered regularly to come up and stay to give my DF a hand and we would always make a detour to pick him up and drop him home (opposite direction from hospital)/did a shopping run/etc. Your uncle could definitely do more.

[Arrowfanatic]

Things haven't been easy here this week. Sunday my nan rang me (I was home alone with all my kids as husband had to work a long shift so I couldn't visit them as one child has a cold) and she was hysterical. Apparently my mum had rung her and hung up on her, no idea what it was all about. Anyway, I calmed her down and that as that.

Yesterday I get a call to say she couldn't wake my grandad up properly and she was waiting for the nurse, unfortunately I was stuck with a million of my own appointments (I have my own health issues) so couldn't get over. She did ring my mum and spoke with her. The nurse came and have said grandad needs to go to a hospice to get his medication. Under control as he's refusing to take what he needs to.

I rung again today as I'm home with my poorly 3 year old and nan answered the phone crying. Apparently she had received a bunch of phone calls from various agencies each passing the buck saying they can't help her and she needs to ring someone else. It all got too confusing for her and sent her into meltdown. She couldn't even clarify with me what all these agencies were. My husband is still away working so I couldn't get around there with my child being unwell. I rang mum and mum rang her but said nan was too confused to make sense. I have told nan that I can sort it all out but I need to know where to start, so I've left a message with their nurse for her to call.

It's times like this I wish mum was home as I'm stuck, I can't get to them as with grandads health I can't risk a poorly child around him. My sister is incommunicado at work, my uncle just isn't able to drop work easily to come up. Mum is usually able to switch up her leisure activities easier to visit on short notice just due to her being retired.

So now I've either got to try to get there quickly when my husband can get back before he has to go out again, or hope my child can return to school tomorrow so I can go round.

[diddl]

Why have you got to go there?

Wait to hear from the nurse first.

"The nurse came and have said grandad needs to go to a hospice to get his medication. Under control as he's refusing to take what he needs to."

Just proves that outside help is needed!

[BarbarianMum]

I am really sorry it is so tough for you.

Call your uncle and tell him to sort this out. His dad is dying, needs to go into a hospice now and his mum can't cope. Of course he can drop everything and sort it - if he wants to. A nice man wouldn't have to be asked!

It seems like your whole family have been trained (and have trained you) to think only you and your mum have any responsibilities here

[PoppieD]

If your GP is being hospitalised due to refusal to take meds is this due to understanding he needs them as incapacity or just not wanting them? Hopefuly if he then does go in then all the issues will be come apparent and as part of the discharge planning they will be advised they need outside help for the discharge to be a safe one.

[Arrowfanatic]

He struggles to take his pills as the cancer means he can't swallow as effectively. So he gets one stuck and then that experience wedges in his head and he decides he can't take anything else.

Outside help is needed and nan has come around to that suggestion much more, and I think that's the problem as so many people are ringing and from what she says passing her around and she was never good at this sort of thing even when a younger woman my grandad always did the phone calls etc.

I need to go round as my nan will be all arse about face confused and will probably just need to sound off a bit and if I'm there I can make sure she eats something etc. She struggles on te phone so me going over there is better to help her figure out what's going on and ya know sometimes she just needs a hug and for me to tell her it's ok to be upset and flounder.

[PoppieD]

Hi arrow pharmacy and medics can look at his medication and see if there are other ways he can take his meds, not all have to be in pill form, some pain relief can be liquid or skin patches but the medical team will be best placed to look at this. Even if they are not wanting help- you can still seek support in your role as carer.

[MachineBee]

So sorry arrow to hear of your situation. You are being brilliant - so much on your plate.

Try to not to take sides within the family, because your GM will need a lot of support when your GF passes, as I suspect will you and your DM.

So much emotion makes it hard to keep to social norms. Try to remember the good things that are said at this time and become very forgetful of the hurtful things.

Your own DC will be observing everything (as DCs do) and what they will see is a wonderful, caring DM who loves her GPs and is doing her very best at the end of her beloved GFs life. If you show them this as well as a big dollop of forgiveness of your own DMs shortcomings, this will help them become wonderful adults - just like their Mum!

[Arrowfanatic]

What a lovely post MachineBee, thank you.

Nan rang me again just as I was on the school run so I called her back. She was basically ringing to apologise for being upset on the phone. She doesn't like to show weakness and always feels like she needs to apologise for it. Anyway she said she had been able to rest and grandad has slept away most of the day.

My husband has been stuck at work longer than anticipated so ill have to swing by tomorrow. Nan goes to bed really early these days as grandad keeps her up a lot in the night coughing.