to think that my mum should have sounded a bit more willing to come home?

[Arrowfanatic]

My grandad (mums dad) is very unwell. This last couple of weeks he's taken a turn for the worse and is pretty much in bed most days (he has cancer, and is 85). My nan understandably is finding this hard to deal with, she's the kind of person who doesn't stop and expects everyone to be up, dressed and showered every day no matter what by early morning. My grandad is too weak, due to the nature of his cancer he can barely eat and he wants to stay in bed or just sit in his PJ's all day.

My mum is abroad to help my sister who is heavily pregnant with her third and plans to stay after her c-sec to help (my sister does have a husband btw).

I called my mum explained everything and suggested she may want to consider citing her trip short as grandad is due a scan soon and I expect it to say the cancer has spread. In which case I know that my nan is likely to get very upset and my already depressed grandad is likely to get even more down. I just feel I can't cope with this on my own. I have several young children myself and although a sahm and a few streets away from my grandparents I'm pretty busy as can be expected with a mother. However when I suggested this to her she just said she has an open ticket and if she feels it necessary she will come but I got the sense that she literally just means should he die.

Maybe I'm bu, and I need to act like a grown up but this man is pretty much my dad and I simply don't feel like if things get much worse that I could cope. Since mum has been gone I've had to arrange extra doctors appts to their home, nurse visits, try to persuade them to have home help, and generally be there.

I suppose on one hand I'm scared about the future, and want my mum here to take the lead over HER parents. But she is so blasé about it all, truthfully I think she's just having a blast abroad and doesn't want to deal with her elderly parents as she's not that kind of daughter iyswim.

In my experience you probably need as much support dealing with your nan's emotions as with the actual care of your grandad.

I'm kind of on the fence really. We thought my husband's nan was in her last hours on Christmas Eve but she ended up dying last week, almost 5 months later so it may not be as urgent as you think but I totally understand resenting being left to hold down the fort without any reassuring words or promises from your mum.

I was coming on to say pretty much same as BillSykesDog

My mum has a sibling who doesn't live local so just comes to see my grandparents around work commitments. I have other siblings who don't get involved

^^ This is a lot of people who could/should be helping - why is it all on your mother? She isn't on holiday she is offering support to another family member who needs it at the minute it seems very wrong to me to guilt her into return early especially when until the scan is done nothing much has changed.

My parents ended up dog the caring for all of my GP despite having siblings - it was really hard on them and went on for years and badly affected their health. Maybe your mother needs a change of scene before having to wade back in and cope with her sick parents again.

There has been a massive fall out in my family due to a situation like this. When DD was born (EMCS) she had to go into NICU, just after she came out of NICU my DM nearly died. While she was still lucid DM and DF had a conversation and they explained that they wanted me to take care of my DD, as that was my job now and DF and my sister and aunt would be at the other end of a phone. I was exceptionally torn at that point and then my DM got worse.

My sister struggled and decided she did not agree with my DPs decision and put enormous pressure on me to be there. I had a DH ffs, he could look after DD who 'was just and excuse for me' and I should get off my 'lazy arse' and get on a train to see DM and help her out. So just under 2 weeks after DD was born I made a long trip with DH, walked what felt like miles around a hospital that caused me horrific pain and saw my DM in person. Who promptly had a massive go at me for putting DD at risk by bringing her to a hospital and potentially putting myself out of action so I wasn't able to look after her. I later had DF on the phone balling me out about it too, followed by sister phoning to force her agenda on me again.

I snapped, my sister said some more horrific things about my DD and I finally told her where to go. We've not spoken since, which is sad because none of it needed to happen.

The problem is that whilst everyone is in the mire of their own thing, they think the other half have it better. They don't. Put yourself in your sister's shoes, your mother's shoes, your grandparent's shoes, etc before deciding how best you would like it to be. Also, some people aren't very good at handling illnesses and no two people react the same in the same circumstances.

Sorry your grandfather is so poorly. It's a tough time for all of you.

Are Macmillan and, if necessary, Marie Curie both involved?

Macmillan nurses are generally good at helping to coordinate care.

Marie Curie nurses can stay with somebody who needs care during the night, or so that a family member can get out during the day.

Again, thanks for all the messages.

My grandparents are currently refusing all care in the home. They have the district nurse visit them every couple of days. We are trying to persuade them to have someone at least come in once a week to wash grandad so my nan has at least one day where she's not worrying about that but so far they are refusing everything offered.

My nan is constantly crying. She's really upset that her daughter isn't here supporting her, but tbh their relationship isn't great. Nan wishes she was a more caring, hands on daughter but my mum isn't the nurturing type, finds my nan frustrating and doesn't do well with illness. So I suppose as y'all are saying she wants/needs to escape from it all and a new baby is way more fun than an elderly sick parent. She often says to me she wishes they would hurry up and die as she is counting on her inheritance to support her (she's 60). I guess my expectations are to high, I figured now grandad is really poorly she might want to help them more and realise what she'll miss when he's gone but I just don't think they are her priority. Before she left she would visit them once/twice a week for an hour, but she will phone them every day. But usually mum gets really angry at nan because as I've said further up they are refusing a lot of things that could help, and nan gets upset as she just wants her daughter to be sympathetic not telling her what to do.

Sorry, I realise I'm totally drip feeding here. They're relationship is complicated. I think though you are all right in that I can't expect mum to be here, she's chosen to be abroad. I don't think she's all that bothered if something were to happen anyway hence her lukewarm commitment on the phone, and is probably happy that I'm able to take more of a role in their help and care than she ever could whether she is here or not.

My other siblings work and as I'm a sahm I suppose I'm in a better position to help. Although one siblings has no kids the other has kids who are teenagers, mine are all very very young. My uncle will travel up every few weeks when he can, but even he goes abroad really regularly. I have no cousins or other family.

My husband is hugely supportive, but the nature of his work means he isn't able to be around a lot and certainly would be very difficult for him to drop things in an instant as he has a lot of people who rely on him at work and would need to get relief in which takes time. He would of course make every effort to do so though.

I'm very close to my grandparents, as I said my grandad has basically been my dad. My nan is a sweetheart, she can be frustrating but I think her attitudes are a bit of a generational thing. She's a very proud woman. I adore her.

I may speak to those charities you have suggested. We're at a bit of an impass with them refusing all help though, I wish they would take some. They get all the benefit money to help pay for stuff, but won't actually do more than allow a Gardner and even then my nan insists on doing the gardening before she comes so as not to inconvenience the gardner.

If you get a good Macmillan nurse they are pretty skilled at helping people accept the support they (and the rest of their family) need.

I can see it from all sides, to be honest, and as there is no will from your mum to work on what sounds like a challenging relationship, it's not going to happen just now.

It sounds as if they do have a very complicated relationship. That aside this

It sounds a lot like a clash of personalities, and people wanting everyone to be something they're not. Your mum wants your nan to help herself and finds her unwillingness to do so highly frustrating, your nan wants your mum to be supportive but finds your mums attempts to help frustrating. Both probably find the other extremely draining. Neither is wrong but the clash means they cannot support each other. You mum may regret not being there more when your grandfather dies, but if her presence caused anguish she'd regret that too.

I think the expectation of your nan that your mother should do a lot of the caring work is unfair. She has been offered help and is refusing it, and then complaining that her daughter isn't there to pick up the slack. People need to be reasonable in terms of the impact their decisions have on themselves and their ability to be a positive presence during end of life care as well as on others. Right now, she is being the most unreasonable person in the scenario. I think your mother probably feels that if she comes home, a lot of the burden that could easily be taken on by professionals will fall on her. I can see why she would fear and resent that.

I can sympathise with how difficult this is - my grandmother is the same. She insisted on nursing my grandfather through his last illness, and frankly she was a nightmare. He ended up with less good care than he would have had from paid professionals and a wife who was so frazzled with exhaustion that she was the very opposite of a ray of light and sunshine. It was a deeply misplaced sense of duty that led her down that path, and what was intended as an act of love made the end of his life really miserable.

she's the kind of person who doesn't stop and expects everyone to be up, dressed and showered every day no matter what by early morning. My grandad is too weak, due to the nature of his cancer he can barely eat and he wants to stay in bed or just sit in his PJ's all day.

Any chance this is the reason why your Mum chose your sister as a priority? She wants to be with her as she is in a genuine need of help with her children while your Nan primarily stresses out because she can't play the perfect family as your GF is too ill to get all dressed up and come to eat his breakfast at the table? It's not like she's on vacation.
I am very sorry about your GF. I think you are BU to expect your Mum to sort out everything.

Having read the whole thread, and your most recent post, I think you're being very unfair on your mum. Being with a child who is about to have a baby via C-section, who already has two children, isn't fun. And sure she won't be having a blast if there are two other children to look after as well as a daughter to help out.

And she's frustrated because her parents won't accept the help that they're offered, yet they want her to drop everything to be their carer. Why on earth should she do that? Your nan is also with your grandad too, so it's not like he's on his own.

And you say 'your expectations are too high'. That's a horrible thing to say about your own mother who must be torn between the two different scenarios.

You've said that the scan results aren't in yet, but that you expect them to show that the cancer has spread - the point is, you don't actually know that yet. Whereas your mum knows when the baby is going to be born, and that one of her children needs her support.

Stop playing the victim here. You've already said that your mum's relationship with her parents is complicated - why not try and have a bit of empathy with the whole situation, and with your mum. Get your other siblings involved a bit more.

It sounds as if they do have a very complicated relationship

Yeah. And the thing is that relationships don't magically become uncomplicated when there is illness or other crises, in many ways they become more complicated.

My mother and I have a very complicated and rather dysfunctional relationship - there is no way that I'd be prepared to be heavily involved in her care in old age - a weekly visit would feel like a lot to me. I'm sure, when it comes to that point, there will be lots of people - potentially including my own children - who will criticise me for that but I have my reasons.

I think you (and your grandmother) need to focus on pulling in other support - I know that other people involved here have jobs, etc, but that doesn't mean that they can't help. Your DH could start planning to do shorter weeks at work for a stretch of time to be around for you a bit more, etc. And, if no-one else is willing to put themselves out to help you, I think that should show you a bit about what you're asking of your mother - why should this all fall on her?

I am really sorry that you're going through all of this but I don't think focussing on your mother is going to be helpful.

Ok, I'm happy to hear people think that my expectations are unreasonable. It's why I asked as obviously I'm emotionally invested.

But don't you dare suggest I'm playing the victim, how bloody rude of you!!! I'm trying to find a way to cope with a situation I am totally unsure of how to deal with. I'm not looking for sympathy but a bit of respect doesn't seem too much to ask!!!!

But usually mum gets really angry at nan because as I've said further up they are refusing a lot of things that could help, and nan gets upset as she just wants her daughter to be sympathetic not telling her what to do.

Does she want her to be sympathetic or does she want her to do it?

I think it's a fairly common situation certainly happened in my family. It's very frustrating for the family who then get expectations dumped on them.

TBH I think you need to focus less on your mother. You need to figure out what you can offer your GP without running yourself into the ground and your children suffering - set limits and boundaries easier said than done but vital for your own health.

Older people needing the care can be very demanding and lack insight into the impact it has on the person providing it. It was a bit of a relief all round when my GP finally went into good homes - they got better care and more support than the initially though they needed and it removed an intolerable burden on my parents. They still had fair bit of running round but having the correct support made it all much easier to cope.

Unfortunately you may need to cut back on the current support - which may well have increased very slowly over time, for your GP to get to the point the finally admit they need more help - or get very firm with them that you can't continue as you are.

I think waiting for your Mother and their relationship to suddenly improve or their personalties to change isn't going to help you.

I think part of the problem here is that you adore your grandparents, while your mother has a more complicated relationship with them. Do you perhaps not really understand why, when to your eyes they're such wonderful people, for whom you'd do anything?

I'm not looking to argue that anyone is right or wrong, but I think it is fair to say that the relationships between parents and children can often be very different to the relationships between those same parents and their grandchildren.

Also, with all those visits and phonecalls, it doesn't sound like your mum has been shirking up till now. I imagine she must be feeling a lot of pressure.

Out of interest, what is your relationship with her like generally?

BIWI that was a horrible post. The OP has young children of her own to look after,a husband whose job makes it difficult to physically help and a gran who is refusing outside help. Her mum has basically abdicated all responsibility and dumped it on her daughter, who is struggling.

As much as the mum and gps might have a difficult relationship, the answer is not for the mum to opt out at the expense of her own child.

No she hasn't abdicated all responsibility! She has a choice to make, and at the moment she's with her daughter who needs her as well. She can't be in too places at once.

"Her mum has basically abdicated all responsibility and dumped it on her daughter, who is struggling."

Whilst I agree that BIWI's post was unkind, this is rubbish. OP's mum (who has been supporting her parents for a while) has gone abroad for a number of weeks. As looking after her parents is not actually her responsibility (what with them being adults, not dogs) she can't 'dump' responsibility for them on anyone.

Or are you saying that no woman with elderly/sick parents is allowed a break/holiday/other responsibilities ever?

I don't think you are playing a victim.

Over time it'e very easy to find the demands placed by elderly relatives can slowly but surely increase without either side really realising or thinking about it.

It does sound like you usually have some support from your Mum to spread the load and that is currently missing. She is eventually coming back - but life happens if she suddenly found she couldn't offer this level of care as her own circumstances or health change for the worse - you'd be in a similar position with no visible end.

This could be the time to look at how to manage your GP going forward - get other family members on board more and try and get your GP to accept help now rather than reach a crisis point where options may be more limited.

But she hasn't dumped it all on her daughter. The whole family has done that. From the other siblings who view the OP as having the time and capacity to deal with it, to the GPs themselves as they refuse outside assistance.

Added to that, this could be a very long road indeed. The OPs mother may well be back from her other helping role in plenty of time to shoulder this burden again.

Her mum has basically abdicated all responsibility and dumped it on her daughter, who is struggling.

Oh the irony! Which child?

Arrh ignore, post fail! Try again

As much as the mum and gps might have a difficult relationship, the answer is not for the mum to opt out at the expense of her own child.

Oh the irony! Which child?

... and her daughter doesn't have to struggle, as there other agencies and siblings who could help.

OP - I do sympathise with your situation - my father is very ill in hospital - has been for months - and I know it's a difficult time. I can't imagine how it would be if I also had a child about to have a major operation and a third child.

Not sure why you thought I don't respect you - but I did think you were playing the victim card a bit, because you weren't really seeing through your mother's eyes, and you made some very pointed criticisms of her.

I didn't mean to be unkind, although I can see it's been taken that way. I meant it to be direct, and to give you insight into another perspective.