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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Update regarding my bonkers parents

96 replies

Fieryfighter · 16/05/2016 14:11

Some of you may remember my post here which I kindly had lots of support and advice on

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2503878-Feel-dreadful-after-really-upsetting-my-parents-but-dont-think-IABU?trending=1

I've had no contact with them since apart from seeing them once in a car park where they walked past giving me evil looks and an email saying that hadn't said sorry as they were waiting for me to and waiting to see if I loved them enough.

Anyway, very sadly my aunt (of the aunt and uncle they went crying to) passed away recently and now I have a family funeral to cope with.

My parents stopped talking to my aunt and uncle a few months back when my uncle told them I was coming to visit them and dad put the phone down on him. My aunt had been going through awful cancer throughout this mess and finally had passed away. My mum started calling them a couple of weeks before she died as my uncle called and told them she was facing a major op. Thankfully my dad finally spoke to my uncle (his brother) two days before she passed.

Anyway, my mum emailed to say they wanted to see my kids before the funeral as she didn't want it to be the first time in ages they'd seen them, I replied saying I thought it be best if we meet for a chat on neutral ground first (don't want to go to their house after the previous hysterics and the vile looks). I know from what another family member had said that they think I'm in the wrong and behaved awfully so wanted to see how the land lies and how they'd be with me before them seeing the boys.

Anyway, she's now saying it's best not to see each other yet and again going on about how much they'd helped me in the past etc and that we'll see how things are after the funeral.

I feel totally broken again, I've just about coped with this as it is, I think about it all the time and it stresses me so much, although it had got easier.

I can't tell you how much I'm dreading the funeral, I'm literally shaking at the thought.

OP posts:

IDontBelieveAnything · 16/05/2016 14:20

I'm not suprised its upset you. Would it be easier if your kid(s) didn't attend the funeral? Maybe it would be less for you to deal with.

Sparkletastic · 16/05/2016 14:24

You must be under enormous strain but agree with PP that perhaps better if DCs don't go to funeral unless your uncle particularly wants them there? Then you can be polite to your DPs without having to have much significant interaction. Your parents want everything on their terms. Stop playing according to their rules. Best for DCs not to have them in their life if this is the sort of people they are.

giantpurplepeopleeater · 16/05/2016 14:46

I can't believe that they threw such a wobbler over not seeing you and the boys for a few hours on xmas day..... and that over 6 months later it still rumbles on amd they now haven't seen their grandchildten for half a year

They really are very stubborn and very controlling - it all has to be their way!

Sorry for your loss . If I were you I'd do as previous posters have said, and not take the kids. You can't rely on your mother not having histrionics at the funeral or saying something she shouldn't to the boys. Plus I would avoid them throughout, and if you can, take someone along who will support you and act as a buffer.

Don't let them try to bully you again. Their behaviour has been terrible and you shouldn't have to live like with it in your life!

IAmNotAMindReader · 16/05/2016 14:55

Go to the funeral without the kids. Pay your respects and say goodbye to your aunt, you aren't going there for your parents. Ignore them, they are an argument looking for somewhere to happen. Don't get drawn in. The only offer an olive branch so they can wrap it in barbed wire and attach a load of conditions to it. All of which involve you crawling over broken glass and apologising to them repeatedly. Keep them away from your children.
Best wishes and refuse to engage. Their behaviour only reflects on them. If they kick off all you have to say to anyone else is, "now you know why I don't really speak to them, they'd cause a scene in an empty room. Anyway how are you?" and try to make a bit of a joke about it and carry on (even though you want to throw up with anxiety and emotional pain). Pay as little attention to them as possible.

Original poster

Fieryfighter · 16/05/2016 14:55

My uncle really wants the boys there, he keeps saying he just wants us all to be a family again etc, he's obviously in bits about his wife

OP posts:

Sparkletastic · 16/05/2016 14:57

Perhaps you could say the boys can't get the day off school to save his feelings and make sure you arrange to visit with them soon. Of course he wants everything to be fine. Unfortunately that isn't within your gift.

IAmNotAMindReader · 16/05/2016 14:57

I'd offer to take them round to see him another time.

ThePebbleCollector · 16/05/2016 15:03

The funeral is for your Aunty, any trouble they cause will ultimately reflect badly on them. Do what you need to for your uncle and don't rise to any new emotional blackmail. You did the best thing and reacted well to them and they've started it all off all over again just not accepting a simple meeting and a brew. IT's a very unstable way of acting with people. You've done so well to not give in to the drama already.

RedToothBrush · 16/05/2016 15:09

You NEVER have to prove how much you love your parents.

EVER.

Anything that comes with conditions attached is another attempt to control you.

Remember, they need to prove to you how much they love YOU, in deed not word, precisely by removing conditions from their love.

Love between parents and child should be unconditional. If it comes with conditions its not love and its about control.

Keep focusing on that.

diddl · 16/05/2016 15:17

Your children see who you want them to see & go where you decide that they will go.

Your Uncle must be in a terrible place right now, but the decision about your children going to the funeral is still yours.

I wouldn't take them to the funeral, nor would I meet beforehand as I wouldn't give my parents the satisfaction of seeing them after their behaviour-which was upsetting to your children.

Children need protecting from people who upset them.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 16/05/2016 15:19

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

Bring your boys. They are old enough and they knew your Aunt. Leave at a discreet point before your parents can try to take advantage of the situation.

Follow up and offer your Uncle support in the coming weeks/months. Invite him to stay etc. You are a family, you don't have to be emotionally blackmailed to spend time together though.

[If he doesn't have close family of his own, ask him to come for Christmas.]

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/05/2016 15:32

So sorry that your aunt has passed away.
I think, since your uncle has requested the boys be there, that you should probably take them (I'm not generally a fan of small children at funerals but they've been requested, so that's different) - but I agree, maybe go to the service and then speak to your uncle and go home rather than trying to go along to the wake and risking a Scene from your parents (and there will be one).

And yes - call your uncle over the next few weeks at least, help him get over the worst of the shock of losing your aunt.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 16/05/2016 15:37

So sorry for your loss.

I remember your post about Christmas and cannot believe that your parents are still being so stubborn. I would have to agree with the suggestion made by IAmNotAMindReader and don't bring your kids to the funeral. Pay your respects and ignore your parents if they try to make a big show. They are only showing themselves in a poor light.
Bring them around the day after perhaps to your uncle once all the crowds have gone and I also particularly like the suggestion made by TreadSoftly in relation to this Christmas

cozietoesie · 16/05/2016 15:39

I've been to a good many funerals, sadly, but I've never found that there was any .....informal behaviour at the actual funeral service. I almost always avoid the funeral 'breakfast' though. That might be something for you to consider? It seems to be acceptable behaviour.

diddl · 16/05/2016 15:41

Do you think that your Uncle might be getting pressure from your parents to ask you to take the boys to the funeral?

Unless they were very close it seems odd to me.

And the comment about wanting to be a family again...

Spotsandstars · 16/05/2016 15:46

I don't really think funerals are much of a place for children anyway and although upset it's not good for your uncle to manipulate you into bringing them with you to satisfy him I'd take the kids round with a cake another time.
Be dignified, go on your own, pay your respects and leave, be pleasant to your parents but at at any whiff of strange behaviour get out of there as soon as you can. They will soon realise you can't be controlled.
I think it's important to honour your parents and always be kind/polite in these situations but as an adult it's still ok to be firm and stand your ground.

shovetheholly · 16/05/2016 15:55

I remember your thread, and being shocked at how awful and hysterical they were. I realise that it's been a long time in normal-people's terms, but actually in their world of extreme emotional control, I imagine it's early days.

Just wanted to send you my very best wishes and to say I am so sorry for your loss.

Merd · 16/05/2016 15:59

Oh dear ... I read your post over Christmas, and I have to say that the dynamics were so similar to mine that I'm not surprised you've had this outcome - but I'm sorry for you anyway.

Brace yourself: the chances are that your mum's going to be dramatic at the funeral and try making it about her, and how you (in particular) caused upset to your Aunt and Uncle at such a difficult time. Prepare your bland nod and walk away. On the day you will burn inside but hopefully it will reflect worse on them.

Your Uncle won't notice much at the funeral I daresay - it's such a blinding time of grief. You don't HAVE to take the kids if you don't want to (if you think it would be better for them) so as long as you say the little ones will come and see him soon I think that will be fine.

Get through the funeral and then tackle the rest.

Badders123 · 16/05/2016 16:04

Using the death of a loved one as an emotional blackmail tool is utterly dislocate, IMHO.
And I don't think kids belong at funerals either....do you really want to subject them to both a funeral (upsetting and scary) and their unhinged gps?
I'm sorry they are pulling this shit, but not surprised.

Tiggywinkler · 16/05/2016 16:06

Oh Fiery, I can't believe this is still rumbling on. I'm so sorry for your loss, and for the continued drama.

I'm another voice adding to the "don't take them" camp - it'll just add too stress, even if your parents behave themselves which is frankly unlikely.

to you - continue being as strong as you have; you're doing the best you can for your children.

Tenementfunster · 16/05/2016 16:10

They are determined to have their vengeance, even if they have to use someone's funeral. They want you to change your ways and grovel your way back into their good books. Fuck that.
I think you've done great holding the line since Xmas. Do t give in now.

They are couple of pieces of work, stopping talking to a terminally ill woman. How awful they are.
Good luck with it all. Be strong

Ashhead24 · 16/05/2016 16:11

Gosh they really are bonkers. You're going to the funeral to say goodbye to your Aunt and support you Uncle, not to make up with them. Hopefully they won't cause a scene on the day. You're DC are old enough that they might want to say goodbye so they might want to go.

Badders123 · 16/05/2016 16:12

Dispicable that should have read!
Sorry.

CrapDIL · 16/05/2016 16:19

Jesus Christ

I'm so sorry to hear about your aunt

I really think you need to go, say your goodbyes, then when it's over just don't go anywhere near them ever again.

t4gnut · 16/05/2016 16:29

Dear gods what is wrong with them?

You decide about the funeral and what is best for the kids. They can be difficult places to navigate for young kids.

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