Update regarding my bonkers parents

[Fieryfighter]

Some of you may remember my post here which I kindly had lots of support and advice on

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2503878-Feel-dreadful-after-really-upsetting-my-parents-but-dont-think-IABU?trending=1

I've had no contact with them since apart from seeing them once in a car park where they walked past giving me evil looks and an email saying that hadn't said sorry as they were waiting for me to and waiting to see if I loved them enough.

Anyway, very sadly my aunt (of the aunt and uncle they went crying to) passed away recently and now I have a family funeral to cope with.

My parents stopped talking to my aunt and uncle a few months back when my uncle told them I was coming to visit them and dad put the phone down on him. My aunt had been going through awful cancer throughout this mess and finally had passed away. My mum started calling them a couple of weeks before she died as my uncle called and told them she was facing a major op. Thankfully my dad finally spoke to my uncle (his brother) two days before she passed.

Anyway, my mum emailed to say they wanted to see my kids before the funeral as she didn't want it to be the first time in ages they'd seen them, I replied saying I thought it be best if we meet for a chat on neutral ground first (don't want to go to their house after the previous hysterics and the vile looks). I know from what another family member had said that they think I'm in the wrong and behaved awfully so wanted to see how the land lies and how they'd be with me before them seeing the boys.

Anyway, she's now saying it's best not to see each other yet and again going on about how much they'd helped me in the past etc and that we'll see how things are after the funeral.

I feel totally broken again, I've just about coped with this as it is, I think about it all the time and it stresses me so much, although it had got easier.

I can't tell you how much I'm dreading the funeral, I'm literally shaking at the thought.

I agree with those who say you just go to the funeral without your children. Don't let anybody make you feel that you should take them. I know you will want to go along with your uncle's wishes but does he want your dc there just to have them there, or because he wants a big reconciliation?

Then if your parents try to start doing anything other than make polite conversation, you can just say 'sorry, this is my Aunt's day and it's not the right time for this discussion'.

Sorry for your loss.

God I can't believe this is still going on!
Take your kids to see your uncle separately and go nto the funeral with your DH.
Brace for yourself for the 'it won't be long until my funeral as you're pushing me into an early grave' type comments. With an added 'that's if you could be bothered to come'

If your Uncle really wants your children involved could there be a compromise?

Perhaps they could come to his house that morning and help making sandwiches or whatever for after the funeral. Or could they be involved with him choosing flowers or something like that.

When my DM died there were a couple of family member's whose behaviour I couldn't trust and I left DD at home. It was all fine as it happened, but at least I wasn't tensed up, waiting for something to kick off in front off DD.

P.s I've read the whole of your other thread and your parents take the .

[Flowers] for you and your uncle.

Both my kids (10 & 15) want to go to the funeral, I think especially as they hadn't seen my aunt and uncle for ages because of the upset and they're old enough to deal with it.

My parents have told my sister they're not going to the wake so if that's the case I'll be relieved but they may just be saying that so might have to play it by ear.

I've been visiting my aunt and uncle regularly since my parents stopped speaking to them, I went last Sunday and I'm going to see my uncle again this week so I've really been there for him, and phoning every other day usually.

As for the emotional blackmail, they told my sister they now have a suicide pact should anything happen to either of them. Ffs

So sorry for your loss.

Don't take the kids to the funeral and go, you don't have to speak or engage with them. You are going for your uncle and to pay respect to your aunt. It's disgusting that they are trying to use your aunts funeral in this way.

Sorry cross posted.

I'm sorry for your loss

Unless your DC were eespecially close to your aunt I would suggest you do not take them to the funeral to avoid any scene your mother might make.

Fiery, I remember very well your original thread. I'm very sorry to hear of your loss.

Your parents are till acting true to form, aren't they? It's astonishing that they are even making this sad time all about them. Going on about how much they've helped you in the past, how is that supposed to make you want to see them, let alone speak to them.

Firstly, do your DC want to attend the funeral, and could they get some time off school for it? If they do, could you arrive at the last minute and sit away from your parents? You could use the excuse of needing to get them back to school to not stay long, make a point of speaking to Uncle and seeing him in the next few days after the funeral with the boys. If they don't want to attend, still see Uncle, invite him round to yours for a meal or take one round to him with the DC.

I'm so sorry that the worry over this situation is making you so upset.

poor Firey. I was on a long train journey and took the time to read the original thread. It sounds like a total nightmare and I am in awe at your determination and strength.

I disagree with the PPs saying don't take the children but that could be coming from an Irish background. the only funeral I remember with any discomfort is the one I wasn't allowed to go to. Nearly fifty years later the sense of exclusion and sadness at not being thought important to the deceased stays with me.

Treat it like Christmas - what do you and your DSs really want to do? Once you know that you can make a plan and stick to it. maybe email your parents telling them what you intend and how you will respond if they try to cause a scene.

You have done such a great job of maintaining your dignity so far, I have every faith in you handling this well too

And I am so sorry to hear about your aunt. Very best wishes.

Well - I was only saying don't take them if it wouldn't be good for them. I was taken to one at church when I was 8 and got completely freaked out; it wasn't handled well and I was left sitting alone - no one explained what was happening and I almost had a panic attack when the coffin vanished behind a curtain. This is a bit different obviously!

You know your kids and it sounds like they've made a choice, so definitely take them. It'll probably help you having them close too.

And again, it just must be so hard to have to deal with this upset along with losing someone you love.

Oh fiery, I remember your old thread.

They're being so awful .

I agree with Liiinooo. Do what is best for you and the boys.

Well for for those who kindly took an interest before, my parents didn't even go to the funeral in the end! Whilst I was mightily relieved for myself I felt so sorry for my uncle that his only brother wasnt there. Apparently mum had a tooth abscess and was to ill to come, no explanation why dad couldn't have come on his own.

It was a nice service and around 150 people there which was lovely for my uncle and I got through my reading and looked after my uncle afterwards and have been looking out for him as best I can since. He's really all over the place obviously and extremely fragile, and have been very worried because about him.

I'd exchanged a couple of brief chatty emails with mum since and my uncle told me last week that mum and dad wanted me to know how sorry they were and I thought that things might actually start improving until tonight.

My uncle phoned in bits really upset because my parents had been to visit him and were really upset that dad hasn't had anything for father's day. They'd done the whole sobbing thing again and said they were moving away etc etc

I'd bloody sent a card and present Thursday but obviously it hasn't turned up yet is all. I've literally never ever not once forgot a single birthday or event, not even since we fell out. My sister, as usual didn't bother but no mention of that, I'm just the wicked child.

I'm beyond furious they would put all this on my poor uncle who is grieving and really messed up emotionally, he was crying on the phone to me saying how he wants everyone to be friends again. I can't believe how selfish they are! I can't believed I'm surprised :-(

So sorry to hear about your aunt, and I'm afraid I agree with most PPs to keep your DCs away from the funeral at all costs. You can always take them to visit their uncle at a different time, which he may appreciate even more given that he'll be very upset at the service and hardly in a position to play with his nephews

Personally I'd sit a bit away from your parents - even just a couple of rows should do it - and simply avoid contact. Any stunts they pull will reflect only on them, and any approach can be met with a calm smile and a walk in the opposite direction

Very many apologies, Fiery - like a fool I didn't notice the last post was Tuesday, so I've just cross posted with you

Quite a relief they didn't go - at least for you - and as for their behaviour since, I'm afraid that's something they'll have to square with heir own consciences; sadly, although I know you'd love to protect your uncle, it really isn't something you can do much about without causing yet more hysteria

I'm sorry to hear you are going through all this.
I realise your Uncle is upset, but sometimes when people say they 'just want us all to be a family again' what they mean is they wish everyone would stop arguing because they cant deal with it.
He doesnt want to be dragged into the middle. Which is fair enough.

But if he keeps saying this to you, you can ask him to stop bringing it up.
Sometimes people say it as a hint that you should be the one to go make up.
I hope things get better for you soon.

Your uncle seems to be the go between, which is not helping.

Oh Fiery

Poor you, and your poor uncle

These people are self centred, arrogant wankers. And you're surprised because you hoped that, given what has happened, that they will change.

I'm afraid people don't change, love. I'm learning the very same at the moment - once a tosser, always a tosser.

All you can do now is look after you and yours (I'm including your uncle in that) as best as you can. Cut the fuckers loose if you can/want to. Life is too short for people who bring nothing but misery

Oh God, that's terrible. I'd hoped they'd grown up a bit but obvs not.

Is there any way you can talk to Uncle and tell him that it would be best if he didn't try to play 'intermediary'? That you are sorry your parents are taking advantage of him? Maybe suggest a few phrases he can use like "That's between you and your daughter, I love you all and don't want to be put in the middle'?

Yeah my uncle said he wanted me to do one thing for him, he said please would I call them tonight and I just said no. He is definitely trying to get me to make up with them because I'm the easiest person to deal with I guess.

I've told him that they're being a bit silly over a small thing and to try not to worry about them as he's got quite enough to deal with right now. I'm so cross they're putting their shit on him at this time. Fucking drama queens!

Joy of joys we have a memorial service for my aunt next weekend, but at least my kids won't be there as they're with their dad.

I'm trying to calm down both I'm so cross they've upset my uncle. He's such a mess right now and does not need this.

OP - I haven't read your first thread so don't know the whole story but I've easily picked up that you are 100 % in the right. Anyway, have you considered printing out both threads and posting it to your parents, no letter, just the printed out threads?

They may think it's definitely you that's sent it but they couldn't be 100% sure, but they may realise they are wrong after reading it.

Really sorry to hear this Fieryfighter. I hope you can find some way to get on with your life, support your uncle and encourage him t find supportive friends,. Really family is not the be and end all. Any man who would not go to his sister in law's funeral, unless he was ill, is an uncaring idiot.
You uncle must know this about his brother.

Do not allow them to make you the scape goat.

in your shoes i would get either counselling or assertiveness training, or both and just move on.

As i read this I wondered if your parents were either 'overly' religious (I am a christian so I am trying not to be judgmental about this) or mentally ill, or going senile or have simply always been like this but because you are the 'good girl' you've not incurred their wrath before.

Good luck. I think really this is emotional abuse from them to you and your uncle and it is them who need the counselling but in the face of the fact they would probably not take that suggestion seriously, I would just focus on making your own life for you and your boys.

I've not read the previous thread.

"I'm trying to calm down both I'm so cross they've upset my uncle. He's such a mess right now and does not need this." IMHO you need to let go of this anger, it is not your fault.

Continue to provide your uncle with a shoulder to cry on and simply tell him (if this is the case) that you are not willing to play your parent's 'game' anymore, it sounds like it is taking a massive strain on your mental health. I think it will do the same for your uncle if you both let that happen. Do not let it happen! Just tell your uncle you will be there for him but you cannot build bridges with your parents while they are being so unreasonable.

Good luck

You poor darling. I found your original post but didn't read the whole thing as it made me SO angry. How DARE they treat you and your children in that way? How spoilt and entitled! I can really empathise, as my mother used the same nasty underhanded tactics. I really think that you should not take the children to the funeral. It's so much about family politics rather than showing your love for your aunt. When a similar thing happened in my ex's family (which is why he is the ex), we took the children to the funeral director's to put some flowers in the coffin with their auntie. They learned the lesson about how death is not hidden and scary, as Auntie M looked so peaceful, but were not subject to nastiness and politicking at the funeral. Bugger what your parents think. It's time you stood up to them and cut contact. They are wearing you down, destroying your confidence and keeping you paddling about in the eternal amniotic fluid. My kids loved having Christmas in their own home instead of having to travel 300 miles to their grandparents. You should do what's right for them - Christmas is for children after all. Same with anything else - don;t do what they want unless it's what you and the children want.