Update regarding my bonkers parents

[Fieryfighter]

Some of you may remember my post here which I kindly had lots of support and advice on

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2503878-Feel-dreadful-after-really-upsetting-my-parents-but-dont-think-IABU?trending=1

I've had no contact with them since apart from seeing them once in a car park where they walked past giving me evil looks and an email saying that hadn't said sorry as they were waiting for me to and waiting to see if I loved them enough.

Anyway, very sadly my aunt (of the aunt and uncle they went crying to) passed away recently and now I have a family funeral to cope with.

My parents stopped talking to my aunt and uncle a few months back when my uncle told them I was coming to visit them and dad put the phone down on him. My aunt had been going through awful cancer throughout this mess and finally had passed away. My mum started calling them a couple of weeks before she died as my uncle called and told them she was facing a major op. Thankfully my dad finally spoke to my uncle (his brother) two days before she passed.

Anyway, my mum emailed to say they wanted to see my kids before the funeral as she didn't want it to be the first time in ages they'd seen them, I replied saying I thought it be best if we meet for a chat on neutral ground first (don't want to go to their house after the previous hysterics and the vile looks). I know from what another family member had said that they think I'm in the wrong and behaved awfully so wanted to see how the land lies and how they'd be with me before them seeing the boys.

Anyway, she's now saying it's best not to see each other yet and again going on about how much they'd helped me in the past etc and that we'll see how things are after the funeral.

I feel totally broken again, I've just about coped with this as it is, I think about it all the time and it stresses me so much, although it had got easier.

I can't tell you how much I'm dreading the funeral, I'm literally shaking at the thought.

when people are sufficiently batshit that power games and winning comes ahead of supporting a dying SiL and distraught brother, then the ship of normal relationships has long since sailed. You can't have a relationship with that. As for putting all their drama and pressure on your uncle.....there are two aims to that game. One of that he will try to get you back into line just so they stop making his life unbearable at a time when he is very vulnerable. The other aim is that you will get back in line so they stop punishing him on your behalf, it's an appeal to guilt.

Normal people do not do this. You're into the realms of disturbance and personality disordered behaviour, all normal strategies and relationship approaches will not work, and you have two options. Do exactly as they want all the time (and sadly you still will probably not be able to keep them happy) or walk away. Even sadder - your uncle, while in a dire situation, is choosing to let them manipulate and upset him. The only thing that will really help is for him to make his own decision about whether having contact with them matters more than the behaviour and abuse they will inflict on him as part of that contact. That's for him to decide, it isn't your responsibility. You can't really help other than open his eyes a little to what is happening and help him see he has options.

'Oh I'm so upset for you that they are putting you through all their drama at such a hard time for you, that is very selfish.'

'I think they hope if they upset you enough you will have to try and get me back in line on their behalf just to make them stop. It's very unkind and its manipulative, I'm so sorry they are treating you like this'

'Uncle whatnot please don't feel you have to get involved here. I don't want you dragged into this nonsense at such a hard time. We'll support you however we can. Co operating with all this silly drama and hysterics is not going to happen, I know you just want all this to stop and I'm sorry they have wanted to make you so upset. Let's plan our next visit to you.'

So sorry OP, the grief of realising a parent is just are not capable of having a bearable, survivable relationship with you is truly awful.

rumblingDMexploitingbstds

That's similar to what I was saying to my uncle on the phone last night, that they shouldn't be making him upset over such a little thing and that he has got more than enough to deal with. I told him to try not to worry about them being silly and I did say he knew they were prone to being over emotional and very dramatic and he did agree.

Think I'm saying the right things. He's so desperate for things all to be fine he just wants to fix things.

What beggars belief is my sister tells me they think I turned my aunt and uncle against them and that's why they stopped speaking to them when all it was was my uncle telling them I was coming to visit and dad put the phone down on him and that was it for months until just before my aunt died.

They've even told my uncle about their suicide pact - who the fuck does that to someone who's just lost their wife??

Superb post, rumbling

Fiery I guess your uncle's actions are understandable in a way - he's just lost his wife, and since he can't do anything about that he'll grasp at any opportunity opportunity to make things "normal" again, rather than have more chaos in his life

Unfortunately you can't do anything about that either, except to support him as you're already doing. In the end, your parents' utter selfishness in upsetting him at such a time is something he'll have to come to terms with for himself

They've even told my uncle about their suicide pact - who the fuck does that to someone who's just lost their wife??

I have absolutely no words. That is just disgusting. It's pretty obvs that your parents are about the most self-centered two people I've ever heard of.

I'm struggling so much today, been doing really well I thought dealing with this but it's never far from my mind and today I'm trying to do myself obsessing. I feel sad for the time before this when I saw them a lot and we had nice times but have to keep remembering how i was always trying to please them and did what they wanted.

Sad thing is the suicide pact even makes sense as I don't think for a minute they could cope without each other.

Hang in there. Remind yourself that your parents are NOT your responsibility. And I don't mean to sound cruel, but your uncle needs to let this go for his own well-being, too. Easier said than done, I know.

Have they sent any thanks or acknowledgement for the gift and card yet? I'd imagine it would have arrived by now.

Oh god, I got this email last night;

I understand uncle told you Dad was upset because he hadn’t received anything for Father’s Day, that is certainly not the case, Dad didn’t expect anything for Father’s Day nor indeed did he want to receive postal presents. What upset us both was hearing ds2's message for uncle on his answerphone, telling him about his success and sending his love.

We haven’t heard ds2's voice for 7 months and cannot understand why he is not allowed to speak to us and allow us to share in his success; we have been supporting him all the way through and would have loved to have watched him. When we came home there were 7 messages on our answerphone, we played them expecting each one to be ds2 but nothing.

Why do you continue like this? We are not monsters, we have loved and been involved with the boys since the day they were born and we should not be cut out of their lives like this. The only information we have is what we read on Facebook, it should not be like this.

We cannot attend the Memorial Service on Sunday if this situation continues, we would prefer to stay away and you can attend with uncle. We will continue to support uncle in other ways, as we have done from the beginning.

The thought of seeing the boys in town and not knowing how they will react to us is just too upsetting so we have taken the decision to leave this area. Last Friday we signed a contract for the sale of our house for the ridiculous price of £138,000 because we cannot stay here any longer. We are hoping to move to xxx and have today made application to rent an apartment in xxxx

Please respond to me and explain your thoughts and your intentions for our future relationship, we need to know how things stand before Sunday as we can’t be hurt any more by meeting the boys under these circumstances.

A stupid argument over Christmas cannot possibly justify all this. Dad is 70 now and we should be at peace with our family.

We have been there for you all along fiery, please consider our feelings.

Mum

Bloody hell I don't know where to start responding. Ds2 did email them that night, although I'll have to check he definitely did, he did say he had .

They wanted to see the Boys before the funeral and I said I'd like to talk to them first somewhere neutral and they refused! What grates is them going on about supporting my uncle when they stopped speaking to him and my aunt because I was going to visit them and they've been upsetting my uncle with all their woes about me and telling him about their suicide pact!!!

What's the point of them asking for clarification from you NOW when their decision to move away has been made..bonkers.
It's just putting you through the mill when you can't change anything.

E mail back: Our relationship appears to have completely broken down now. Communication is therefore going to be difficult . Let me know if you want to meet me on neutral ground as previously offered to see if there is any resolution possible or way back from all of this.
The ball is in your court to agree to this meeting and be reasonable and fair. Failing that, you have made your own path.

God what a pair of DramaLlamas.

I'd let them get on with moving (if that is actually true)

Drama Lamas who are changing what actually happened and twisting it serve their own purpose. Major emotional blackmail regarding moving house, I also suspect it's not true.

I agree with this:

Email back: Our relationship appears to have completely broken down now. Communication is therefore going to be difficult . Let me know if you want to meet me on neutral ground as previously offered to see if there is any resolution possible or way back from all of this.
The ball is in your court to agree to this meeting and be reasonable and fair. Failing that, you have made your own path.

Include dates and times of the previous offers you made...

OP your name is in your last post, I've reported.

Don't rise to your parents, they are unbelievable are blackmailing you. First they mention no gift, then it's no phone message from the children! Our children didn't ring the GPs for Father's Day, in fact I didn't even put their name on the card. Totally loopy.

Get the knife in in the first paragraph and then wiggle it around a bit. A lot, actually.

Ignore them - but phone your uncle and see how he's doing.

Stupid thing is I thought things were improving after the recent chatty exchange of emails. And I'd got ds2 to email them with his news.

They've behaved so awfully towards me I'm so cross that they put it all back on me. I don't even want to meet them now as I'm quite honestly worn out and don't think I can face the emotional drama and guiltripping that's bound to happen.

Also why didn't they just pick up the bloody phone if they wanted to speak to ds2? Jeeez.

I wouldn't meet them now. What possible thing could it achieve?

In fact, I'd cease contact with them.

I fear they're trying to turn my uncle against me, just as they did both my aunt and uncle when she was alive but thankfully my aunt and uncle gradually saw how things really were. Trouble is my uncle is very vulnerable now, I do fear what may happen :-(

Be up front with your uncle..say things are not good between you and your parents but you can't alter that and don't want him to be piggy in the middle so best not to discuss it .

I've done that EVERY time selling but they throw all the over emotional dramatics on him and of course then he wants to fix it

A "Good luck in your new home" card should suffice.

And keep supporting your uncle - try not to let your and his dealings with your parents contaminate a good relationship.

I'm actually speechless at the level of self-absorption.

Sorry I can't formulate a better reply at the moment. Absolutely gobsmacked.

I don't know how to deal with the bollocks they tell him. I really think that soon I'll be getting a phone call from my uncle saying it's best I don't come to visit any more, just like what happened last time.

I may just send a simple acknowledgement back saying It's a shame things don't appear to to be improving and that ds2 emailed them on Sunday.

I'd really like to ask them to refrain from discussing this with my uncle as it's upsetting him needlessly at a very difficult time but I wonder if there is any point at all saying that.

The chatty emails led them to believe they could get you back under their control. They hadn't apologised for Christmas yet but you exchanged chatty emails and sent a fathers day card. You blinked first.

This email is the obvious next step. They are pressing all the buttons they know will make you re-engage. It worked. You put DS2 in contact. Now they know the aggressive lying fake martyr emails work, expect more.

You are planning to respond aren't you? You are planning to talk to uncle about them and the email, aren't you? Man, they are good at getting you to slip the noose around your neck.

Lol @ Good luck card
They'll need it ! How to make friends and influence people ....NOT