Is ex he using emotional blackmail? He won't have son's dog when he stays over

[LucyJSkye]

Hi All - I need please some independent opinions to help me reach a decision (I’ve never posted in a forum before).

My ex-husband has barely seen our son in 4 years; his choice. We had a horrid drawn out divorce and as part of the outcome I was granted full residency and a prohibited steps order (in Feb 2013) that he couldn't take DS from school or home unless agreed in writing. In December our DS said he wanted to see his dad, so I decided to give his dad another chance (for the umpteenth time). I knew it would open up a can of worms (as it has done) but did it for DS (now 13).

I wanted them seeing each other slowly so they could rebuild a relationship and so I could see consistency (on the rare occasions in the past that my ex had taken an interest he let DS down). My ex has a partner now, who seems nice enough. However it seems his interest in DS coincides with when he has a woman in his life. I have felt that it’s more about him being ‘seen’ to do the right thing? Anyone else had this problem? Anyway, I get distracted….

Our DS has been seeing his dad now on a Sat from 10.30am – 9pm. Jan & Feb he had him most Saturdays and also in March, but then the games started. Ex was pushing to see him every Saturday and for overnights. I wanted some time with DS so wouldn’t agree to every Saturday & my ex lives in a shared accommodation set up where our son wouldn’t have his own room (+ I had other concerns). I asked ex for reassurances which he wouldn’t give me.

E.g. of ‘games’ – 25 March he was trying to coax DS into staying over on the Sat through until Easter Monday (but we had a friend’s baptism on the Sunday). I was proud of DS because he said over & over, “only if it’s OK with mum”. On the Sat DS was concerned his dad wouldn’t bring him home and didn’t want to be put in that position, so although he wanted to go, he decided not to (he saw him on Easter Monday instead). I had emailed my ex asking him not to disregard my position on overnights and also stated for him not to keep DS for overnight without mutual written agreement or I’d have no choice but to involve the police to implement the prohibitive steps order. He threatened court (although with the order in place I don’t think he’d get anywhere) and on the Wed after, said to me with no provocation (when his girlfriend called me!!) “I don’t want to talk to you…I’m disgusted with you” and hung up! Since then I decided to communicate via email only!

As the arrangement to that point had been casual and was starting to ‘run away’ I suggested 2 Saturdays a month. DS wanted to see him more so I conceded to 3 Sats in a 5 weekend month and 2 in a 4 weekend month. So April he saw him 9th, 16th & 23rd (+Sunday 17th as it was a family christening so I am flexible & fair despite my ex’s words and actions and try to rise above the aggravation for DS’s sake).

7 May ex announces that he’s moving for DS so he can have his own room; great news. But before that they were considering moving to a canal boat lol! Ex says it’s for DS but it’s also so his partner is closer to her work (fair enough).

Finally… (sorry folks) to the dog; Skye. DS & I got her nearly a year ago from the RSPCA after sadly losing our family dog a year last Christmas. I didn’t rush to get another dog because it was nice after 15 years not to have the limitations that having a dog in the family brings with it in terms of going away, staying with friends, etc. (or the poop scooping!) DS had been asking for a while and as a ‘soft’ mum (stupidly with hindsight) I gave in. But only after me telling him she was his dog for him to look after (which at age 13 I felt was reasonable and to help teach him responsibility) and him agreeing. Since he’s been seeing his dad I haven’t insisted on Skye going with him because of it being shared living (in an old convent) and it only being for the day. I had always said to DS though that IF in the future he did stay with his dad, that he would need to take the dog.

I put forward to my ex yesterday that our DS could stay 1 out of the 2 Sats in a 4 w/e month (Fri to Sun) and 2 out of the 3 in a 5 w/e month (again Fri to Sun) but that Skye would need to come with him. I also said that I don’t need any more hassle from him as it's causing and will continue to cause undue stress & I don't want any more back and forth emails as they’re not proving progressive just us getting under one another’s skin (again!).

There’s more besides this post, but the crux of this message is re: the dog and trying to convey how I feel that it seems to always be me ‘giving’ and letting go of remarks and behaviour on ex’s part for DS’s sake and for progress for them. I said to my ex that because I feel he’s working against me not with me that the offer was a take it or leave it so as not to get embroiled any further.

His response: “The dog is not mine and I will and can not have it. And if you are adamant about this I can not have DS overnight (but I guess you already know that)”

I have said a few times that the dog is DS’s, not mine. I have compromised and said on the day visits I’ll continue to have her. But the bottom line is I feel as though it’s always me compromising and that (as my ex has done before) that his response is emotional blackmail and that both he and my son will therefore ‘ blame’ me for them not having overnight stays. I don’t know if where their proposing to rent doesn’t allow pets, but if this is the case I feel he should’ve thought about the bigger picture of DS staying and had he have done so DS could’ve told him I’d said back in January that Skye would need to go with him.

I love my son, but whether it’s viewed as selfish by some I feel why shouldn’t I get some freedom out of this? I looked after our previous dog (3½ years until she died) when my ex showed no interest, what if I want to take advantage of our DS staying with his dad and go away myself, stay with friends further afield, it’s a lot more difficult with Skye in tow and if I say I’ll have her some weekends that will mean further email correspondence which I so don’t want to have to do unless absolutely necessary and only to do with DS (+ once I give a bit, ex always expects me to give more). HELP, I’m tired of being a pushover!! (Sorry for the very long post….thank you if you’ve read to the end x)

YABU re the dog. A 13 year old cannot legally own a dog for good reason. Your choice to give in and get one (clearly knowing what goes into dog care) and your dog to look after. I've never heard of a parent trying to force a nrp to take child and dog. It's madness.

I'm with your ex on this. Definitely your dog, your problem. And there's nothing wrong with a teen on a houseboat either.

Considering your exes previous behaviour & the prohibitive order, it's best to get the change in contact done legally. That way he can't piss about in the future. A d do ignore RB68. You can't make a 13 year old partially responsible for kennel costs so they can visit their father. It puts too much stress on a child who is already trying to navigate a stressful situation with his father

With everyone else re the dog, the adult makes the choice about whether a dog is part of the household and your ex hasn't chosen to have one.

Don't agree with pps about the 'only if it's ok with mum' point though - as contact is arranged for Saturdays it is fair enough to check with the RP whether a random extension is ok or not.

I'm also going to agree that yabu.

What would you expect DS to do with the dog if he was invited on holiday with a friend or goes away to Uni? Whatever the talk about it being his responsibility, it is your family dog and not your ex's regardless of him being a twat or otherwise.

"Don't agree with pps about the 'only if it's ok with mum' point though - as contact is arranged for Saturdays it is fair enough to check with the RP whether a random extension is ok or not."

Only if it's an "I need to check with Mum to make sure there's nothing else on" sort of way, not asking permission.

I say this as both a child of divorced parents and seeing good friends relationships break down, but NEVER has the dog gone for access with the child.

It simply wouldn't have worked, your ex is right it isn't his dog, there's a clue in the fact that you said he showed no interest in the dog you once shared, if it was down to him your son wouldn't have a dog, so why would he want to take on your dog, and it is yours. A dog he had nothing to do with getting or any 'relationship' with. My step mother and step siblings were scared of dogs and my father far to self absorbed. So yes our pet stayed with our mom and step dad, of course we missed it.

Now my god daughter's parents have divorced and the husband even left the dogs that he had a bond with because they were his children's pets, he was upset when they died but my friend looked after them even when they were on access with her ex, also my friend to be fair, because her house was the dogs home. Both parents now have their own dogs at their houses, the children regard the dogs as there's no matter wether they live with the dad or mum but the dogs do not travel to the other house with the children

Yabu. The decision to get a dog was yours and he should absolutely not have to put up with it, no matter what an arse he actually is.

I liked the essence of what RB68 said i.e. DS taking more responsibility for Skye. He has slacked significantly in terms of walking her enough and he needs reminding (too often) to feed and give her fresh water. So of the suggestions from RB68 I'd ask him to revisit his commitment to her. TBH I wouldn't dream of asking him to pay for kennels, work to be able to do so....

Of course your DS promised all sorts to get the dog - yabu to believe it and get the dog on that basis. You get the dog on the assumption that you will be the one looking after it no matter what you've agreed with a child. You must have looked to the future and thought about what you'd do with the dog when he left home? Did you expect he'd take it to Uni with him?

Yanbu to remind your DS of the commitment he gave regarding her care and exercise though.

you cannot let DS see his dad (or not) based on how well he takes care of the dog!

The dog is YOUR responsibility. You are the adult. Children lose interest in lots of things and aren't mature enough to take on a pet. As his parent, the dog is your responsibility, not your son's.

Well the dog yes you're being unreasonable.

Re the rest, what does your son want? I think when they get o a certain age your right to say no diminishes. If the bairn wants to go overnight then surely it's his choice? There will come a point where he might want to spend a large chunk of time with his dad.

It's not fair him being piggy in the middle tbh.

As sad as it may perhaps you should consider re-homing if you and it sounds like DS don't have time for her?

YABVU and I can't believe you thought you weren't?

The dog is YOURS. It is your responsibility, nobody else's. You don't send a dog on contact!

I'm sorry if having a dog impinges on your 'freedom' at the weekends but that was what you chose. I'm not sure how it will make you suffer though!

Stratter5 sums it up.

The dog is your responsibility - while it's in theory your sons, you are in charge of it. You can't foist it on your ex.

Tbh you sound obstructive and emotionally manipulative. All this crap about being proud of him for asking your permission to stay longer etc clearly shows that you expect a level of loyalty and commitment to you which you don't expect him to show his father.

And you are using the dog as a tool to manipulate your son into staying with you rather than go to his dad's. Disgraceful. You agreed to get the dog. It is your dog. All this talk of how you never insisted the dog go with him on day visits is just a load of rubbish really. After all, the dog surely doesn't go to school/friends/on school trips etc. No, thought not.

I actually completely agree with WannaBe.

I obviously don't know the age of the dog when you rehomed it, but surely most dogs will be a minimum of a 10 year commitment so DS would be in his 20's by then. Did you not think ahead on what he was going to do with it past childhood? I have a 8 year old cat and my DS has always insisted that since it loves him best he is taking her when he moves out (he's nearly 15 now) I've explained that by the time he is an adult with his own place, the cat will be elderly and that if he wants a cat he should consider his own at that point.

What Wannabe said. This isn't just about the dog,you do in fact sound like a pain in the backside

gamerchick - thank you. I agree with you. I haven't said no to any previous requests, (other than overnights in shared living + it was still early days back in Jan/Feb when my ex asked or rather demanded) I've been accommodating and do try to put DS first. I'm pleased he and his dad are and have re-established a relationship. I just (like DS & ex) don't like the drama that comes with it (but that's life I suppose) Plus what I don't like is the influence my ex tries to exerts on DS, which isn't fair on DS and it then impacts at home.

My ds is absolutely committed to his dog. He still sometimes has to be reminded to check her water- because he is a teenager and forgets things.