Is ex he using emotional blackmail? He won't have son's dog when he stays over

[LucyJSkye]

Hi All - I need please some independent opinions to help me reach a decision (I’ve never posted in a forum before).

My ex-husband has barely seen our son in 4 years; his choice. We had a horrid drawn out divorce and as part of the outcome I was granted full residency and a prohibited steps order (in Feb 2013) that he couldn't take DS from school or home unless agreed in writing. In December our DS said he wanted to see his dad, so I decided to give his dad another chance (for the umpteenth time). I knew it would open up a can of worms (as it has done) but did it for DS (now 13).

I wanted them seeing each other slowly so they could rebuild a relationship and so I could see consistency (on the rare occasions in the past that my ex had taken an interest he let DS down). My ex has a partner now, who seems nice enough. However it seems his interest in DS coincides with when he has a woman in his life. I have felt that it’s more about him being ‘seen’ to do the right thing? Anyone else had this problem? Anyway, I get distracted….

Our DS has been seeing his dad now on a Sat from 10.30am – 9pm. Jan & Feb he had him most Saturdays and also in March, but then the games started. Ex was pushing to see him every Saturday and for overnights. I wanted some time with DS so wouldn’t agree to every Saturday & my ex lives in a shared accommodation set up where our son wouldn’t have his own room (+ I had other concerns). I asked ex for reassurances which he wouldn’t give me.

E.g. of ‘games’ – 25 March he was trying to coax DS into staying over on the Sat through until Easter Monday (but we had a friend’s baptism on the Sunday). I was proud of DS because he said over & over, “only if it’s OK with mum”. On the Sat DS was concerned his dad wouldn’t bring him home and didn’t want to be put in that position, so although he wanted to go, he decided not to (he saw him on Easter Monday instead). I had emailed my ex asking him not to disregard my position on overnights and also stated for him not to keep DS for overnight without mutual written agreement or I’d have no choice but to involve the police to implement the prohibitive steps order. He threatened court (although with the order in place I don’t think he’d get anywhere) and on the Wed after, said to me with no provocation (when his girlfriend called me!!) “I don’t want to talk to you…I’m disgusted with you” and hung up! Since then I decided to communicate via email only!

As the arrangement to that point had been casual and was starting to ‘run away’ I suggested 2 Saturdays a month. DS wanted to see him more so I conceded to 3 Sats in a 5 weekend month and 2 in a 4 weekend month. So April he saw him 9th, 16th & 23rd (+Sunday 17th as it was a family christening so I am flexible & fair despite my ex’s words and actions and try to rise above the aggravation for DS’s sake).

7 May ex announces that he’s moving for DS so he can have his own room; great news. But before that they were considering moving to a canal boat lol! Ex says it’s for DS but it’s also so his partner is closer to her work (fair enough).

Finally… (sorry folks) to the dog; Skye. DS & I got her nearly a year ago from the RSPCA after sadly losing our family dog a year last Christmas. I didn’t rush to get another dog because it was nice after 15 years not to have the limitations that having a dog in the family brings with it in terms of going away, staying with friends, etc. (or the poop scooping!) DS had been asking for a while and as a ‘soft’ mum (stupidly with hindsight) I gave in. But only after me telling him she was his dog for him to look after (which at age 13 I felt was reasonable and to help teach him responsibility) and him agreeing. Since he’s been seeing his dad I haven’t insisted on Skye going with him because of it being shared living (in an old convent) and it only being for the day. I had always said to DS though that IF in the future he did stay with his dad, that he would need to take the dog.

I put forward to my ex yesterday that our DS could stay 1 out of the 2 Sats in a 4 w/e month (Fri to Sun) and 2 out of the 3 in a 5 w/e month (again Fri to Sun) but that Skye would need to come with him. I also said that I don’t need any more hassle from him as it's causing and will continue to cause undue stress & I don't want any more back and forth emails as they’re not proving progressive just us getting under one another’s skin (again!).

There’s more besides this post, but the crux of this message is re: the dog and trying to convey how I feel that it seems to always be me ‘giving’ and letting go of remarks and behaviour on ex’s part for DS’s sake and for progress for them. I said to my ex that because I feel he’s working against me not with me that the offer was a take it or leave it so as not to get embroiled any further.

His response: “The dog is not mine and I will and can not have it. And if you are adamant about this I can not have DS overnight (but I guess you already know that)”

I have said a few times that the dog is DS’s, not mine. I have compromised and said on the day visits I’ll continue to have her. But the bottom line is I feel as though it’s always me compromising and that (as my ex has done before) that his response is emotional blackmail and that both he and my son will therefore ‘ blame’ me for them not having overnight stays. I don’t know if where their proposing to rent doesn’t allow pets, but if this is the case I feel he should’ve thought about the bigger picture of DS staying and had he have done so DS could’ve told him I’d said back in January that Skye would need to go with him.

I love my son, but whether it’s viewed as selfish by some I feel why shouldn’t I get some freedom out of this? I looked after our previous dog (3½ years until she died) when my ex showed no interest, what if I want to take advantage of our DS staying with his dad and go away myself, stay with friends further afield, it’s a lot more difficult with Skye in tow and if I say I’ll have her some weekends that will mean further email correspondence which I so don’t want to have to do unless absolutely necessary and only to do with DS (+ once I give a bit, ex always expects me to give more). HELP, I’m tired of being a pushover!! (Sorry for the very long post….thank you if you’ve read to the end x)

If you are being dead certain on all aspects of the dog's care to be your DS's (which I'm sorry is kind of a lot to put on a teenager most just expect them to walk & feed/poop scoop) then you would have to put it in a boarding kennels for those nights and take the money from DS. If you wanted to go away as an adult you would have to pay for kennels so that's the logical solution if you're treating him as an adult owner.

As someone who's been through the court process I think you're arrangements should be amended in court or as PP says your ex has a paper trail of you agreeing (and also seemingly being awkward). Even though I agree you did the right thing for your DS court will see it as 'you' breaking the arrangement made.

I know you will have realised now it's unreasonable to expect him to take the dog especially if DS really wants to go. You want to look as favourable in court as possible. Definitely no more phone calls that was the right decision, but also no more emails that might be "having a go" at each other. If it isn't straight to the point about DS's contact then don't send it or reply and keep it printed off for court evidence if necessary. Write a statement and date and sign saying what you decided to do at this point as you realised you'd participated in this informal arranging but wish to now follow the correct paths. I keep everything like that in a folder. If your ex is threatening court you want to be prepared. (Sorry if it sounds like overkill just had to defend myself against ex and his family and I had also made informal agreements which I took back).

Your ex is an arse, but no you can't expect him to have the dog

Yeah unfortunatly this.

If you honestly feel you can't or won't look after Skye when your son is with his dad, then maybe look into a kennel. But at the end of the day a dog is not just one persons animal like a rabbit would be.
It takes the whole family to help and if you aren't prepared to look after her you have to consider your option of rehoming her

ReginaBlitz - it's not that I can't cope, she's a lovely dog and gives DS and me a lot of love and appreciation as we do to her.

You are being unreasonable about the dog. I think you are also- sorry- being unreasonable about your detailed involvement in the contact - surely at 13 it should, within reason, be up to your son? Not sure why you were proud of him saying. "Only if it's OK with mum"- he should be able to express his own wishes. He's not responsible for your feelings. Oh, and why the "!lol" after canal boat?

yabvu with the dog

You bought the dog, its your responsibility, not his, why should he subject his home to your dog?

BertrandRussell - I do hear you about DS being 13 I'm just wary from past incidents so have been going about it carefully. I was proud in terms of DS wanting to do what was right not getting caught up in his dad's say-so/whim. The canal boat; I love water and would love in an ideal world to live on any kind of boat, just with teen and dog not practical & I don't think he'd have had his own room again (don't know 100% though).

"just with teen and dog not practical & I don't think he'd have had his own room again (don't know 100% though)."

Ah right. Blind prejudice then.

You can't force ex to have Dog but you get that. But you want your son to have responsibility for the dog. So why not talk over with Son what should happen and get him to decide how its going to work - pointing out the lack of freedom for you if you are looking after dog. For me options would be doing extra stuff to help out and earn the dogs over night keep with you (favour for a favour type of thing), Son getting PT work somewhere although 13 tricky age) and paying for kennels for half the time (That is what I would think is reasonable) or look into loaning out the dog for weekends to folk that can't have one full time - borrow my doggy type of thing

YABU about the dog - it is legally your dog, you keep it at your house.

If your ex is renting then it is very likely that he won't be allowed to have a dog in his house anyway.

YABU re the dog

RB68 - thank you, a couple of interesting points and they're looking at solutions (being 'close' to the issue can make it hard for me to detach and be more objective) x

If your ex is renting (missed that bit), he won't be allowed a dog without risking losing his security deposit anyway. Most rental places are very strict re. pets, especially dogs and cats.

I also think that the dog is yours. At 13, your son cannot be fully responsible for any kind of pet - insurance, registration etc. would have to be in your name. So, imo, it's very unfair to expect your son to not see his dad overnight on the basis that you chose to take on the responsibility of a dog.

The only circumstances I can see where it would be acceptable to include a dog in contact visits as a none negotiable issue would be if the dog was a assistance dog.

It's also perfectly normal for established daytime contact where possible to ive to overnight contact.

It's soon going to be possible the child wishes it to be so the father is willing to do so.

You have obviously made contact safe so there is no reason why once your child has a safe sleeping place this should not occur.

I can understand why it troubles you but part of your job is to accept it is your issue and only prevent it when a welfare issue occurs.

Your dog, your problem.

Pets stay at respective houses. Children move homes not animals.

Sorry, YABU about the dog but what about if ds goes to uni in 5 years?

He won't be able to take the dog - he will be yours full time then.

Your ex is an arse. Well done for being so calm in the face of it all.

Frankly wrt the dog you are being as much of an arse as your ex.

Why on earth did you get another dog? Sounds like you don't have the ideal situation for one if you want weekends away without a dog - dogs are great but it is not "your son's dog" - I'm sure you didn't tell the rescue place it would be! Your son may have wanted another dog but you should have thought of the practicalities - you say yourself your are "soft" with your DS? Totally agree YABU wanting dog to go to ex. Saying that though he does sound like bloody hard work all in.

Please don't do anything that RB68 suggested. It's really unfair to expect a thirteen year old to do extra work so he can visit his father, that's what it will seem like to him. You made the choice to get the dog, this is a bit bonkers to be honest.

yep, thats insane. Tell a 13 year old to get a job to pay for kennels so his ma will let him stay at his da's house? Guilting the kid about having to look after the dog that she got? Madness.

Please ignore RB68.