AIBU - vegan dinner party guest EATING FISH

[isitginoclock]

We're throwing a dinner party. I've just excused myself to the loo to write this because I'm FUMING!! One of our guests has recently become a vegan. I spent bloody ages making her a mushroom pate for starter which she happily tucked into whilst we ate our salmon tartare. She then asked if she could try some salmon.

Wtf?!?!

I've bought loads of different stuff for her to eat and spent all frigging day cooking it. Why do I bother?!

NeedACleverNN sorry, I couldn't resist and thank you for taking it well smile. I think the thing about not eating anything with a face is a good way to describe vegetarianism or veganism but it doesn't cover everything.

Perfectly fine. Nothing to take wrong really unless you are a keyboard warrior who takes everything to heart. You asked me a question which made me realise I had missed out bits so had to rethink. No big deal

I have similar friends who are vegetarian but will eat chicken or vegans and cheese etc. Drives me mad. I'm sorry your efforts were wasted.

I became a pescitarian at 12 and a vegetarian at 14. I no longer label check religiously but I couldn't knowingly bring myself to eat a slice of prepacked Beef Cheesecake. The thought of personally consuming flesh or derivatives repulses me.

My DH gave me the choice of feeding our DC meat or not and I chose to do so, it wasn't fair of me to decide for them. I will cook meat for them and always buy the best that I can. I ensure the DC are aware of what they are eating and how/where it comes from.

I'm glad you didn't waste the vegan ice cream on her. Well done!

I don't accept that the OP's guest put her to any inconvenience at all

OP bought extra food specifically to cater to a vegan. She spent money, and then she spent time to make sure there was particular food to suit this person. Who then ate the other food that she had said she could/would not eat.
Of course she inconvenienced the OP.

yellowbucket

Why was it ok to make the decision for them to eat meat, but not ok to make the decision for them to be vegetarian?

Surely all parents decide what to feed their children in the first few years?

Op I sympathise. I had a vegan relative stay from overseas for a month. She was lovely to be fair, and I bent over backwards with OH and I cooking all the meals, buying lots of vegan products that I normally wouldn't. There were 7 of us in the house and a couple of family members who love meat so OH and I went to a lot of effort to research and present lovely vegan meals

On the last week we were out for the day and popped into a cafe on the way home.
My vegan relative ordered a knickerbocker glory. I watched in disbelief as she devoured a huge pile of ice cream, cream, chocolate flake, butterscotch sauce.

I had spent the last month bending over backwards making home made ice cream with coconut milk, cheesecake with tofu, pushing the boat out to make her feel welcome.
FFS. I was not happy.

Of course she inconvenienced the OP.

OP threw a dinner party with all the inconvenience that involves and then said 'why do I bother?' AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou

I agree. I like cooking but these days I go out to a restaurant because I can't be bothered. Throwing dinner parties is an enormous fuss. If you're going to get upset because someone says they want to try something you've made, then maybe throwing dinner parties isn't for you.

As I said: I'd take it as a compliment to my cooking skills that a vegan was tempted by my salmon sensation.

limited, with respect, of course it doesn't matter to you if people use the term vegetarian wrongly.

But it matters to vegetarians because it can result in them being giving food that's not suitable for vegetarians.

I went to an important family birthday event at the Gherkin. We were given the menu in advance. My starter (soup) contained Gorgonzola so I phoned them to ask if they could instead use one of the many other blue cheeses suitable for vegetarians. No can do, they said. We'll leave the cheese out entirely. It tasted like baby food and looked like it too. Pissed me right off.

I just have to ask - did said person know you were going to all that effort? Did they ask you to?

Maybe they are struggling with the move and require support. Maybe they're not 'faux vegan' - maybe as I said they're just having a hard time and rather than being met with scathing judgement they should get a little helping hand. Changing diet is hard no matter what you change it to and even if you do it for moral reasons

If this is something you chose to do without request and said person knew nothing about it, it can be a little annoying but you can't really get angry about it. You could have made them something simpler. If you chose to go out of your way that is your decision and a risk you chose to take and accept the consequences of it.

It might be that they just don't care, they knew all about it and they're just following veganism because its the latest craze, in which case, you are totally righteous in your indignation and anger.

Again I don't have much to go by so whether you are being unreasonable or not depends entirely on the context of what led to you going to all that effort.

Best to check before reacting though.

Throwing dinner parties is an enormous fuss. If you're going to get upset because someone says they want to try something you've made, then maybe throwing dinner parties isn't for you.

It isn't an enormous fuss at all, unless you make it one. And (as you know) its isn't at all about getting upset at someone wanting to try what you made.

If someone says yes I'd love to come to dinner, I'm a vegan, and you take the time and expense to make seperate vegan food, only for them to come in and say I'll have the salmon...of course you are inconvenienced for no reason, and said vaguean is a twat.

Anyone can see that.

Yellowbucket - please tell me prepacked Beef Cheesecake is some kind of weirdy typo? And if not, I'm not entirely sure I want to know what it is...

Penguin - I agree with you on language usage. However, I'm finding that if people insist on using the wrong words, or changing the definition of them often enough, then they ARE creeping into popular usage, and the bloody dictionaries don't help by including the new very very wrong definitions! A recent example that infuriated me (irrationally, I realise) was "nonplussed". Simple word, meaning "taken aback and unsure what to do next" - but has been hijacked to mean "not fussed" (presumably because it rhymes ). Whyyyy?

However. I hope this doesn't happen to vegetarian/vegan definitions because problems already abound with people calling themselves one of these and being nothing of the kind. I know there are already variations:
lactovegetarian (eats dairy as well)
ovovegetarian (eats eggs as well)
lacto-ovovegetarian (eats eggs and dairy)
and then the pescetarians, who are out of the range of being actual vegetarians.

And the whole eggs = dairy thing is REALLY annoying, especially for people with allergies to one or the other but not both!

NeedACleverNN - G&B 70% and 85% dark chocolate are both vegan friendly, as I remember it :)

As I said suburban, I understand why the descriptions are important to vegetarians and vegans. What I don't understand is all the meat eaters on this thread getting up in the air about it.

Your experience at the Gherkin was shocking but had nothing to do with people haphazardly describing their eating habits.

I understand what vegetarians and vegans can and cannot eat and I am an amateur cook. A professional should not only understand but be able to think of much better options than me.

The cooks at the Gherkin either didn't care or were stupid.

The reason as a pescatarian you might say you were vegetarian at catered events is that there often isn't an option to say 'I don't eat meat but I eat eggs and fish', you just usually get a tick box of vegetarian not any other options. So although I do eat fish I would tick the vegetarian box as I would be guaranteed something to eat. It's similar with thise who eat halal, they would often choose a veggie option rather than eat non-halal meat. However, I also know meat-eaters who refuse to eat halal meat because they feel it's not humane so again would choose a veggie option. (This is a real issue that has come up at school events).
My friend's daughter doesn't eat beef for religious reasons but has to go vegetarian for school dinners as there isn't an option to have 'meat but not beef'. I also know people that don't like red meat so choose vegetarian options rather than risk being presented with a steak. At my wedding one of the guests said she would only have the meat option if it was free-range otherwise she would have vegetarian.
There are many different reasons why people choose the food they do.
Sometimes, rather than risk going into a long discussion about why I eat fish and not meat (and there are some really boring people usually men who just love to take the moral high ground on this and give you a nice long lecture about your eating habits) so I do admit I occasionally just say vegetarian for an easy life. But I don't tell anyone else what to eat, so as far as I am concerned others can get their nose out of my business.
I don't know why people on here are getting so het-up about it. Chill out!

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou Of course throwing dinner parties is an enormous fuss unless you don't ask what your guests want to eat, devise a menu, choose the wine, buy the ingredients, spend a lot of time preparing and cooking them, tidy up, choose music and candles and whatnot...

That's why I prefer to eat out. I maintain that if you get upset by someone saying: 'That looks nice. Can I try a bit?' you should cross 'throwing dinner parties' off the Interests bit of your CV.

In an old job I used to organise dinners. It was a nightmare. Every sodding faddy diet used to pop up, as well as the ones who would tick veggie and decide that they fancied the fish on the night. Or order (expensive) religious meals and not then up or snaffle the 'nono' food on arrival.

My most memorable was a lovely lady who came and announced that she was actually fasting but could eat fruit. The wonderful chef spent time carving fruits into the most beautiful flowers and animals for her and she was delighted.

(Then we all got tipsy, sang Tom Jones songs with the opera singers we had hired and danced through the venue to a ceilidh band).

Then we all got tipsy, sang Tom Jones songs

Sounds the best bit. Sod the carved fruit.

Then a manager crashed into a table of bottles of wine and sent them crashing.

(Wipes tear from eye)... Sniff...I miss my old job...

forking
That caught me off guard, made me laugh

Your experience at the Gherkin was shocking but had nothing to do with people haphazardly describing their eating habits.

I disagree - the chef at The Gherkin obviously thought "vegetarian" meant "no visible body parts on the plate".

The same description as used by the child of the op upthread who calls herself vegetarian when "I don't eat meat or fish" is the actual truth.

I realise it wasn't the chef describing his own diet. But clearly if you muddy the waters everyone gets confused.

AndTakeYourPenguinWithYou 'If someone says yes I'd love to come to dinner, I'm a vegan, and you take the time and expense to make seperate vegan food, only for them to come in and say I'll have the salmon...of course you are inconvenienced for no reason, and said vaguean is a twat.'

Yeah except that's not what happened (or at least not how OP put it.) OP said they ate the pate she made but asked to try a mouthful of the salmon pate. Tell me again how that was an inconvenience .....? She didn't get there, get served the mushroom pate and go 'ew I want salmon instead'.

I quote OP:
I spent bloody ages making her a mushroom pate for starter which she happily tucked into whilst we ate our salmon tartare. She then asked if she could try some salmon.

Where does it say she got served the mushroom pate but then pushed it away and demanded salmon instead .........?

Pearlylum did you challenge your "vegan" house guest about why she had decided to eat dairy in a knickerbocker glory? Your situation is juts like OP's but manifold hugely by the fact that you cooked began for her for a whole month! I'd love to know if she had any idea how rude she was.

Manifold= magnified

jessie= no I didn't challenge.

It was only the second time I had met her in 35 years. Unlikely to see her again anytime soon if at all. It was just two days before she was due to fly home.
Yes fuming inside, but nothing to be gained by the challenge.

I think that what's happened is that a lot of people who are excluding certain things from their diet (whether for health, moral, religious or just plain fussy reasons) will say they are vegetarian or vegan because it's easier than providing a long list of what you can and can't eat.
It doesn't bother me, but it obviously offends some people.... Because according to this thread they are stupid, fools, twats, and need a kick up the arse. Good to see things being kept in perspective.

FWIW, I do think the OPs guest was a bit silly, and I wouldn't have done it (I know I am a pain as a guest so I always offer to take a dish and bring wine flowers and chocs to compensate the host). However I don't think it was worthy of a bitchfest behind the guest's back.

Suburbanrhonda wasn't the issue that. you explained in advance of the day to the Gherkin chef that Gorgonzola was not vegetarian, but he refused to change the ingredient? do you think that he refused to change because he had wrongly assumed all cheese was vegetarian and it was too late to buy in a substitute? It sounds to me more like he was simply an arse who refused to accommodate you even when the requirements were made perfectly clear.