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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send DS to school without a snack?

120 replies

Frimplepants · 11/05/2016 07:00

They all sit and eat their snack at morning break. DS has to leave the house in 3 minutes. He was first asked 42 minutes ago to get dressed. He has been asked/told several times since and told to come and present himself to me fully dressed and then I will make his snack.

He is still in pyjamas. Would it be totally wrong to send him today with just his water bottle?

OP posts:
littledrummergirl · 11/05/2016 07:58

I took ds2 to school in his pyjamas once. He got dressed very quickly in the car when we arrived.
I've also walked him to school in his socks because he wouldn't put his shoes on. If I'd let him when he wanted then dd would have been late and that was unfair so he put his shoes on at the gate before he went in and only he was late.

Only had to do each of those once though,he's now 14 and I have no problems in the morning.
[Evil mother]

Original poster
Frimplepants · 11/05/2016 08:00

I took the first few answer and now feel guilty.

He is 6. His clothes were already laid out for him. He only had to take off his pj's pull on a pair of shorts (elastic waist, no buttons), t-shirt and pair of socks. He managed it in less than a minute after I opened the front door, told DD to put her shoes on and said we were leaving now.

He never has a snack in the morning when he is with us and had a large breakfast. I used that as a threat because he thinks only of food and it is the only thing so far that seems to get him to agree to get dressed for school. Reward chart doesn't work for him. His snack is half a pear and a couple of spelt biscuits.

Remove iPad/tv is not really practical as its not a given that he will get them. They don't have regular 'you must sit down and watch tv/iPad' time. Saying to him, " Would you like to watch tv? Well you can't as you didn't get dressed this morning." seems a little ridiculous.

I tell him to leave five minutes before the first bell goes, it gives him 5 minutes to saunter a 1 minute walk. He can't really leave much later. We made it only one minute late.

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 11/05/2016 08:03

I take it you're not in the UK? 8am is very early to start school.

I wouldn't punish with food, it's a recipe (ha!) for disaster.

MattDillonsPants · 11/05/2016 08:06

I remember you posting about him before OP and he has ASD doesn't he?

Why punish a child with ASD over food? I know it's hard...but that won't work. Is he anxious about school?

Original poster
Frimplepants · 11/05/2016 08:16

Because Matt I don't know what else to do.

He hates school. He has to go else we will be fined. I cannot physically carry him there, he is too big and its uphill

OP posts:
storminabuttercup · 11/05/2016 08:37

Jesus, he's six. So all his friends will sit and eat a snack while he has nothing?
I often get pissed with DS for fannying about and not getting dressed, but he loses screen time or something. Not food Confused

1AngelicFruitCake · 11/05/2016 08:54

Fair enough then if the TV won't have an impact. IS there anything else he enjoys that he could lose time from?

Don't worry about the snack now. Speak to the teacher and see if they can talk to him. i wouldn't mind a parent asking me to do that.

Gileswithachainsaw · 11/05/2016 08:54

Well you should have said he has ASD. dies change things somewhat.

I'd not worry about doing that with dd as she faffs something chronic amd the more she realises it costs her valuable time.and experiences the better.

but if the kids unlikely to understand it's pointless.

MattDillonsPants · 11/05/2016 08:58

Are school not very supportive OP? Have you spoken to them recently? How is he doing when he's there?

Artandco · 11/05/2016 09:04

It's too late now for today, but no I would t withhold food if everyone else has also. If you had to leave at 7am he must be eating breakfast even earlier.

Also leaving at 7am must mean waking at 6-6.15am. It's early for even an adult to be waking happy and ready to co operate, so a child I can see might need some help moving. In comparison my 6 year old wakes at 7.45-8am for school, starts 9am

Original poster
Frimplepants · 11/05/2016 09:10

No, not really. He plays with his toys and with DD when he gets home usually. I can hardly forbid him to play with her. Books, jigsaws, but I'm not going to forbid him books. The only other thing is his favourite toy that he sleeps with, but that I refuse to remove, he sleeps little enough as it is!

I explained to the teacher, she will try to find out if anything happened yesterday. She also said it wasn't the first time someone has arrived without a snack and the children will very likely share with him!

OP posts:
WeAllHaveWings · 11/05/2016 09:11

Sorry, at 6 I would have spent 2 minutes going upstairs and encouraging him or helping him instead of mnetting. Less stress for all and no punishment needed, especially an in school punishment for a child that already hates school.

DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 11/05/2016 09:14

But if your child had to be at school by 8, as mine did, then getting them up at 7.45 would make them late so the comparison doesn't really help Art.

Why are you worried about fines, have you been threatened OP? Are the school aware that you struggle to get him ready despite waking him up on time? Is there something he would love to do after school every day that you could practically facilitate on days he gets ready with minimal fuss and resistance?

Original poster
Frimplepants · 11/05/2016 09:21

Think of a scale with supportive at one end. Go past 'unsupportive' and keep running for 20 miles. That's about where the school is.

OP posts:
confusedofengland · 11/05/2016 09:22

DS1 (7, NT) I would happily send to school without a snack if he had been told that in order to get it he would have to get dressed - natural consequences.

DS2 is 5 & has suspected ASD. I could not send him to school without a snack. I already have to send 2 in for him when all the other DC get 1, as he gets very teary & cannot concentrate without lots of snacks (recommended by HCPs). For him I would find an alternative, eg, get dressed now or you will not be allowed to scoot to school or something similar. I would (& do) also sit with him while he gets dressed, as he needs prompting.

Moonlightceleste · 11/05/2016 09:25

Mine have never taken a snack to school and they seem to manage just fine Confused

bluespiral · 11/05/2016 09:26

Ywbu. You help a 6yo get ready for school if they're reluctant, not sit around MNing about it instead. And you certainly don't sanction a snack that will give them energy and help them concentrate!

Original poster
Frimplepants · 11/05/2016 09:28

art he wakes 6am latest. Always has done . School don't care if he has a problem coming to school. His teacher says it's because he's being a big baby who doesn't want to leave mummy and I need to insist he grows up Hmm He just has to be there on time.

OP posts:
Birdsgottafly · 11/05/2016 09:28

It sounds as though you need to more closely supervise him and build up to using rewards, after sticking to timescales etc.

My eldest, now 30, has ADHD (and other SN), I used to have to use a sand egg timer, before phones etc were about.

You need to weedle out what is his condition and what is him being six and react appropriately.

Original poster
Frimplepants · 11/05/2016 09:34

You would forcibly strip his clothes off and force him into his clothes then?

confused how does that work? If you don't get dressed I won't let you walk to school? That's exactly what he wants. And then I have double the battle tomorrow.

blue I honestly never thought it would come to it. It's the one thing that has always got him dressed!

OP posts:
Original poster
Frimplepants · 11/05/2016 09:53

birds we used to have a sand timer. Utterly counter-productive as he would just sit and watch it. Until the time he smashed it on the floor. We do have a big clock on the wall in the main room and he know he needs to go outside put shoes and coat on at 8.

OP posts:
JellyMouldJnr · 11/05/2016 10:06

I have a 6 year old and I stand by my statement that you were quite reasonable in withholding snack. He's hardly going to starve. My 6 year has taken a long time to learn to get himself dressed for school but helping him is counterproductive. It wasn't till I started saying 'no screens unless you're dressed' that it was sorted.

NewStartNewName · 11/05/2016 10:08

Just help him or make the snack instead of being on here ffs, choose your battles especially where there are sens and this wasn't one of them!

Crazypetlady · 11/05/2016 10:15

Food isnt a punishment using it as such is cruel.

confusedofengland · 11/05/2016 10:16

No, I wouldn't let him scoot, I'd make him walk. DS loves his scooter!