Text etiquette when Dh was late home last night...who is right?

[Cloudybutwarm]

I wouldn't have bothered posting about this except that Dh appears to still be in a huff about it so.....

To set the scene. I am a sahm. We have a 4 and 1 year old. Dh is away for work at least 2 days a week. He is busy and his hours can be erratic.

On a Tuesday there is a swimming session 6-7 that I try and go to as often as possible. It is literally my only regular trip out of the house for non child related activities during the week. Dh needs to be home by about 545 for this. We have talked about it before and I've made it clear that it is really important to me but obviously if Dh can't get away from work for any reason then so be it. I have missed it a few times but on the whole he is back in time for me to go.

Last night he texted at 5:40. His text said just leaving xx. That was it. Clearly he wasn't going to be back for swimming (irritating but not in itself a problem) but the lack of any avknowledgment of this in his text made me assume he'd forgotten about it which made me cross. I texted back just saying obviously I wasn't going to get to go swimming tonight then. When he got back he said sorry he was late, he'd just got stuck on the phone to his boss.

Now to the crux of the issue. I think he should have acknowledged the fact I'd not be able to go swimming in his text. Literally just something like 'sorry, just leaving' would have done, I don't mean an essay. He thought there was nothing wrong with just texting he was leaving because it was obvious by the time he sent it he wouldn't be back in time. But to me that makes it seem like either he just forgot or it just wasn't important enough to acknowledge.

Sorry for such a long post on such a trivial issue but he was grumping about it all evening so I am curious as to whether I was in fact deeply unreasonable to have pulled him up on this?

Thanks!

So you can easily say to your spouse "It's going to be a late one tonight. Maybe get a babysitter for swimming. There is no chance I'll be back."

I think this is a minimum courtesy tbh.

Since it's your only escape, I think it would not be U to establish as a general rule that when you haven't been able to swim, you get an equivalent protected period at another point in the week as compensation (time off in lieu!). That might be a couple of hours on a Saturday morning to have your hair cut or go for a bracing walk in the hills with nothing but your own thoughts. But you're protecting the principle of having a minimum childfree slot on a regular basis.

"He is a very driven man and is driven by a need to provide for his family and I accommodate that. That is how our marriage has worked for so long." Your marriage has worked for so long, bluesky, because you have been doing all the compromising. I'm sure your DH has a very important job. They all do . And the fact they don't have to think about childcare, shopping, cooking, housework, enables them to continue in that role and also continues the vicious cycle of presenteeism and workplaces being set up around those without childcare considerations.

It seems like the OP is in a similar boat (or could potentially). Personally, I couldn't live with someone so selfish.

YANBU OP. Wider issues as everyone else has said. And yy to the person who said your DH is privileged to have a SAHM. If you weren't around he would need to look after the children too. I'm pretty certain that would focus his mind to get off the phone with his boss.

I know i said i wouldn’t come back to this thread but i cannot let what scallopsaregreat said about my DH go unchecked.

Firstly i have done no compromising. Over the time of our marriage i have done a degree and then a vocational course. I have then worked in my chosen field. Always part time but that is my choosing. My DH has been nothing but supportive. He has been a hands on dad all his life and all household chores are shared out evenly. This is the man who carried a child’s book in his briefcase so he could read to his DD’s over the phone hen working away. We work as a team in the way that suits us. Sometimes i get narked with him about his long hours and i nag him a bit to cut down. I worry about his health more than anything. He also gets narked with me sometimes as i can be a bit bossy!

Also, he is not selfish. He doesn’t have a selfish bone in his body. He gives his free time to his family, to a local charity and what time he has left he can pop to the gym or go running. Had i wanted to further my career and take promoted posts he would have supported this 100%. As it is, my job was making me very stressed due to its nature and he has supported me in giving this up.

In relation to the OP. My suggestion is to sit down and talk everything through with her DH. Sometimes people who work like this get bogged down and forget there are other people out there who depend on them being back at a certain time. This is not just men. I have a friend who is a consultant doctor and her DH has always picked up the slack with the family as she is very focussed on her work.

I have skim read the thread. But I just wanted to say that I completely understand what you're getting at. This is our marriage too, although my children are about 5 years older than yours. It has been a hard hard road for me to get to grips with the situation of being a sahm with a dh who has complete freedom to work whenever he wants. I often think I've messed up a bit and have been too much of a doormat (that is a whole other thread!)

I don't think this is really exactly about how he should have texted - as others said, he may have been in a rush, it's a bit unfair to nitpick the exact wording of the text. But you are obviously pretty gutted not to have got out to go swimming, as I would have been. So perhaps you need to admit this to yourself and tell him that you have realised that it's really important to you and that he has to be back at 5.30 every Tuesday, no quibbles. He can do it, anyone can if they know they have to. If he can't/won't guarantee it, then either you decide you can't live like that and you have some big discussions to have about how your relationship works, or else you suck it up and book a babysitter for every week, or join a leisure club with a creche where you can go during the day. For me those wouldn't be ideal options because it's a faff and you'd rather have your children's father back to look after them. But it does mean you can go out and do your thing.

Let us know how you manage to sort it?

PS, my dad said a while ago that seeing me and my brother with our families he has realised how much he missed. And that it was always the family that ended up with the short straw when it came to time because it was easier to say no to family. It sounds awful, but it's probably true. So perhaps you need to be the one who is harder to say no to?

I totally understand and yanbu!

I could have written your post. I have a exercise class in the evenings that I love and go to as often as I can. But work comes first and if he can't get home in time then that's the way it goes.

You just wanted an acknowledgment that you have suffered a loss. Especially when you aren't demanding a lot of other things.

I am the husband in that situation although my wife works too but she asks me to leave early on Mondays so she can go to an exercise class with friends.
90% of the time I can make it home but I would certainly give more than 5 mins notice if I couldnt and 100% apologise.

Plus to the poster who commented about a lot of men being "too busy" to mind sick children. We are not all like that. I am at home today with a sick 3 year old while my wife is at work.

I hate it when my DH doesn't tell me he's going to be late until he IS late, iyswim.

Nothing worse than getting to nearly 6pm, on a day when you've had a fractious time with the kids, thinking "Hooray, he'll be home soon!" and then getting a text to say HE'S ONLY JUST FUCKING LEAVING

In an ideal world, I want to be told that he's staying late (at the dot of 5pm) and then another to say he's leaving. Just so I don't allow myself to hope he'll be home exactly on time because he never is.

Yes, ronjo, thankfully there are men like you. :)

But you are an exception.

I fee like I should defend Dh a little bit here - he really steps up at the weekend, happy to take the boys out and leave me in peace. In fact this Saturday I shall be having my hair done and doing a spot of shopping all on my own - I can't wait!

It's just during the week it can be a bit intense sometimes.

And it's honestly not about the fact he was late back. Really just whether people agree the polite thing to do is acknowledge it in his initial text. I know if it was the otherway round I definitely would have said something about the swimming, but then I am much more of a texted than Dh is anyway, his texts are generally short and to the point.

More of a texter that should say!

Then no, I don't think he did anything wrong

Well that's just texting style.

Not letting you know earlier (if possible, maybe not with an unexpected phone call) and sulking, instead of listening to your point of view and acknowledging it gracefully, seem to me to be the problems here.

That and the idea that his job has to be more 'important' than yours and that being a SAHP isn't proper work, on both your parts, of course.

Other side of it:

I'm pretty short when it comes to texts as I find texting frustrating compared to typing. If in previous analogous situations (I presume it isn't a first?) he apologized of his own bat when he got home, I wouldn't be assuming malice/disrespect on his part.

A 'passive aggressive' (I guess? trying to give it it's worst label to understand why DH would have sulked about it) text before he's gotten home to physically apologize wouldn't do me any favours either, especially if my text was short because I was trying to get home ASAP.

You're totally understandably frustrated. You need time to yourself, outside of the house, to stay sane (I work from home so get that to some degree), so I think the real issue here is that your avenues/options for getting out are quite so brittle? Chat about feelings and child care cover in order I suspect?

When it comes to 'just saying no to the boss' - Sometimes that isn't easy, depending on the boss, your industry and the rod for your own back you may have created. Sure, an attitude adjustment could be and may be should be discussed, but not always easy to implement when you're caught on the hop.

Also - you're work is just as important as his. Not everything in life can be judged by black and red columns on a bank balance. Like PP's said, you enable him to excel in his career and avoid masses of costs by being a SAHM. All the power to you...

'Letting' yoou having your hair done and a bit of shopping isn't extraordinary though.

I am not saying that yoour DH is a horrible man. I actually think he tries his best.
But YOU and HIM have this idea that you should come after him and it shows.
That's what posters are reacting on.
And the reason why the missing 'sorry' did grate too when he was late back home.

I have to leave at a specific time 3 days a week to pick up DC. DH has to do the same on 2 other days of the week. Both of us have chosen jobs that allow us to do this, and actively not pursued others that wouldn't. Sounds like OP's DH has the sort of job that doesnt' allow him to leave at a certain time, without seriously calling into question his ability to do it. And even if his job does allow him to say to his boss "Sorry have to go now ..." the fact he was leaving so his wife could go swimming would probably not be favourably looked on (it's not the same as having to leave to collect a child or attend a medical appointment, say).

Lots of people have said that OP does an important job, which of course she does. But equally she can't allow DH to compromise his job, just so that he can leave in time to get home for her to swim. Put bluntly, there are lot of other childcare options for the DC - not so easy for the family to earn money ifDH loses his job.

He should have let you know much earlier and he should have said sorry in his text. I understand that he has a demanding boss, but he probably wouldn't have any difficulty saying sorry to him. It doesn't sound like you're going to make a big drama over this but it is frustrating to miss out on your one weekly activity for yourself.

Redsky - completely agree with you

YABU I think. As for texts, think they are a modern (ish) relationship nightmare.