Text etiquette when Dh was late home last night...who is right?

[Cloudybutwarm]

I wouldn't have bothered posting about this except that Dh appears to still be in a huff about it so.....

To set the scene. I am a sahm. We have a 4 and 1 year old. Dh is away for work at least 2 days a week. He is busy and his hours can be erratic.

On a Tuesday there is a swimming session 6-7 that I try and go to as often as possible. It is literally my only regular trip out of the house for non child related activities during the week. Dh needs to be home by about 545 for this. We have talked about it before and I've made it clear that it is really important to me but obviously if Dh can't get away from work for any reason then so be it. I have missed it a few times but on the whole he is back in time for me to go.

Last night he texted at 5:40. His text said just leaving xx. That was it. Clearly he wasn't going to be back for swimming (irritating but not in itself a problem) but the lack of any avknowledgment of this in his text made me assume he'd forgotten about it which made me cross. I texted back just saying obviously I wasn't going to get to go swimming tonight then. When he got back he said sorry he was late, he'd just got stuck on the phone to his boss.

Now to the crux of the issue. I think he should have acknowledged the fact I'd not be able to go swimming in his text. Literally just something like 'sorry, just leaving' would have done, I don't mean an essay. He thought there was nothing wrong with just texting he was leaving because it was obvious by the time he sent it he wouldn't be back in time. But to me that makes it seem like either he just forgot or it just wasn't important enough to acknowledge.

Sorry for such a long post on such a trivial issue but he was grumping about it all evening so I am curious as to whether I was in fact deeply unreasonable to have pulled him up on this?

Thanks!

OP YATotallyNBU

Yes! DeadGood Yes!
"People seem to have a problem with using the word "sorry", even though it has a neutralising effect where otherwise offence may be taken, and it drives me up the wall. If you do something that inconveniences someone else, even mildly, just say sorry! It's really bloody simple!"

A simple sorry makes a huge difference. Me and DP have little tiffs which become blazing rows which escalate into world wars because he won't JUST SAY SORRY ARGGGGGHHHHH - especially when its a little thing - his logic is that the deed is now done, and its not big enough to warrant an apology...

fumes

Off to make myself a cuppa and have a little lie down now...

Yes I too would love to know what all these 'man jobs' are that must be prioritised at all times. Can women do them?

I'm with you op. I think please, thank you and 'if it's ok with you babe' cost nothing and go a very long way. Sometimes DP forgets and it really annoys me. Ok, I don't expect him to plead to be allowed to play golf, but asking politely rather than bluntly informing would make a big difference.

It was made clear with the op said he husbands boss was the owner of the company and not very reasonable.... I would take that to mean he can't simply say sorry can't talk now going to collect the kids. Some people's jobs and bosses are not so simple. There are times when my dh couldn't have done that, and in my old job I certainly couldn't have. We never made any arrangements to do anything on a week night because my time home could not be guaranteed.

OMG Doinit

A man who can't take a call on his mobile phone on his way home is not someone I would want to be a SAHM for??

Its a priveledge to be a SAHM. You are not a SAHM for him, he is working to allow you to be a SAHM. There are many of us that would love to do it but can't afford to. It sounds like her DH makes an effort to get home, but as a working person I understand that he has responsibilities at work too, and its taking those respnsibilites seriously and doing a good job that allow his DP the ability to be a SAHM and see her children grow up instead of having to work most of the day, and give his children the massive benefit of having their DM at home.

Op could you move your swimming to a weekend on the nights he can't get home

Well what would a single parent with such an important job do then? "Sorry nursery I'm half an late just chatting to my evil boss master on the phone.."
This is why hours and salaries are agreed. Fair enough if you are a surgeon, midwife or paramedic, but leaving late to take a phone call from a boss. Bollocks to that.

I am at present a SAHM to a 14 year old, my DH works away two to three days a week, we had a leak a few weeks ago and I sorted it out, he came home on the Thursday collapsed in front of the TV and then announced he was off to bed.

He didn't even bother asking about the leak.

I can't remember what he did the following day, but I ended up feeling like a housekeeper and not an equal partner.

So for the next few days instead of calling his mobile I called his direct line, which one or other of his colleagues will always pick up. I started leaving messages saying can you please ask him to call his housekeeper, the following day, the childminder, social secretary, financial administrator.

He soon got the message.

However, I will point out that we have been together twenty seven years he is absolutely the best in the world, but we still have these lapses, you need to treat them with disdain and disinterest rather than expand any energy on them. IYKWIM>

Possibly they wouldn't take that kind of job, as I said op being a sahm mum obviously facilitates this kind of job. Maybe the single parent has other family or friends to help out? Who knows that's all hypothetical. All I was trying to say was that op seems to understand her dh's job is not so simple as to just walk away at a certain time, so is there a way to make it less stressful.

My point wasn't that a mans job is clearly more important, because in my case it was my job that took priority because I could not leave something midway through, ignore or take certain calls on the move, so dh and my mum did all of the childcare runs. I often had to text and say running late. Mostly with a sorry, but not always as I was rushing. Life's not perfect. And I understand why op was upset, but wonder if having swimming at say the weekend would manage everyone's stress and expectations better. Life's about compromise, he needs to be better at understanding her feelings and knowing how important this is for her, and she could potentially move it to a different day/time to maximise her chances of being able to go.

Charley - the probably couldn't do that job. A lot of companies where you get a very good wage the expectation is that you work over and above the contracted ours. If you don't want to do that, then you take a job that is done within contracted hours, but you probably get paid less

they and hours whoops

There's a certain about of facilitating and vicious circles going on here. It is well known that some people, mostly men, will 'have' to stay late at work to avoid difficult/chaotic times at home like the run up to DCs bed time.

A lot of workplaces have an awful presenteeism culture where it's the time you spend at work that is noticed, not your output so a more efficient person that does all their work during a standard working day (say 9 to 5) is valued less than another person who does the same or less work over 8 til 7, interspersed with chatting with colleagues, pissing about on the internet etc.

People feel that they 'have' to fit in or else they won't progress, but in most cases, except the odd genuine emergency it is wrong and unnecessary that many workplaces run like this.

And while more men have the 'big jobs' and their wives mostly don't work because its hard to work round such a schedule without signifcant help in the form of a nanny etc, it will be hard to change.

There are certain other countries, possibly Denmark and other Scandinavian countries have don't generally have a presenteeism culture and it is actually seen as a failing to not be able to do all your work during a normal working day. And of course they are famous for parenting and household duties being much more fairly shared between couples. This is what we should be aiming for, and it will be better for most people overall.

This time, I think you are being a touch unreasonable because your husband didn't realise, for whatever reason, how important this was to you. You've said that you've missed it before and you didn't mention any falling out over that so perhaps he underestimated your disappointment, understandably I think. If you have to miss it again and he doesn't text to acknowledge it, then that would be deliberate as you have had this discussion. At that point you would be right it be upset. On this occasion though I think you're overreacting. Being at home with small people all day does fry your brain and make little things like this seem far bigger than they are-your husband didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

It really isn't much to ask of anyone - even an unreasonable boss - that they get home ONE night a week at a specific time. Your DH needs to make that a priority. Plus finding a different job. Why would anyone want to work for a boss like his?

Yanbu to be annoyed, but he was nbu to speak to his boss. I'm in a similar position, but we rely on dh's income so sometimes, I have to let it slide and accept that he will get delayed. There's not much point arguing about it, it cant be undone, ask him to pencil in a reminder and hopefully it won't happen as often again

Unfortunately the pool only has family sessions and club training at the weekend so it's all splashing kids for the most part. The Tuesday session is really the only viable one for a decent swim.

Someone asked if they had a crèche earlier - they do but only for two hours a day and always at times when the pool is closed!!! Helpful....

total I think I disagree with that. Yes I am very lucky that we can afford for me to be a sahm, but actually, our youngest will be 2 in a few months and I've reached the point where I would love to be able to do something even part time, however, Dh hours and the demands of his twatty boss role are such that I would still end up having to be responsible for childcare/nursery/school runs/sick children/housework/cooking etc etc so it just isn't practical at the moment.

Also just to reiterate we have previously had a few conversations about how important it is to me so he definitely does know that.

Also, again to reiterate I don't have a problem with the fact he couldn't make it back on time due to work. I don't expect him to prioritise swimming if he is caught up with something important. I get to go probably 80% of the time so he does try.
(A lot of the times I can't go we know in advance because he has to travel somewhere that day)

I think an interesting question would be, if he had an evening activity arranged - something really important to him, a rare evening out, special event etc for which he had to leave at a particular time e.g. to catch a train - would he be able to get off the phone and out of the office?

Your swimming is much more important than 'normal exercise' for a working person with flexibility. It's more like a one off concert, every time.

Personally I'm of the 'functional text' persuasion, so think his text conveyed clearly that he wouldn't be home in time for swimming. The important thing was that he apologised when he got in.

There are clearly underlying issues here though. Just think through a scenario where you were working too - so work suddenly loses it's 'trump card' status - and childcare pick ups have to be done. Then what?

Cloudy, I think the huff may well have been coming from a place of feeling guilty. He mostly tries, he knows it's important, he missed it, and didn't say sorry, he knows he was in the wrong and handled it like a prat.

In a calmer moment, I would mention how much a sorry would have made you feel better, and maybe to talk about your feelings about being a sahm and not earning to see if you can work together to make you feel more confident and happy about your position

I used to be in a similar situation- Sahm and H working very long unpredictable hours. (Dds are grown up now). I do understand why you're upset and frustrated with him, it's once a week and he can't even manage it.

If I were you I'd get a baby sitter for a Tuesday so you can always go swimming.

I'd then want a serious chat with your H about the fact he doesn't seem to appreciate that you giving up work and putting your family first enables him to do his job. My DH always says if I hadn't been a Sahm he couldn't have built up his career. I feel appreciated and so should every SAHM.

cloudy - if you really want to work, and it is not your choice that you want to be a SAHM then I do think your DH needs to reassess his own job. You should be able to work if you want to, and if you can't because of his current role then I think he needs to get a new job, providing that the two of you won't be left with any less income. If I was your DH I would be jumping at this, sounds like his boss is a dick and he could do with moving anyway.

total unfortunately changing jobs is not really an option at the moment. He gets a very good salary and bonuses that he'd be unlikely to get elsewhere. Plus (although it may not sound like it from this thread) he actually has a reasonable degree of flexibility (on days when he's not being hounded by twatty boss anyway!)

My DH has a high paying job and works long hours. He often gets stuck in work when things go wrong or is expected to be available for calls from his boss etc. I always get perfunctory texts as he is literally preoccupied with the the work issue. He is a perfectionist and finds it hard to let things go. He really finds it hard to say ‘i need to go i have something arranged’.

Last week he had an infection in his hand.It was getting worse and NHS24 had told him he must get to a hospital. He managed to get an appointment at our local hospital which meant leaving his work early to travel the 1.5 hours back (but better than trying to get to the big city hospital on public transport). He then text to say he was probably going to miss his appointment as there were things going on at work and he could not get away. I went APESHIT. I told him to go and say to someone he had to leave now, as he had an infection which was getting worse and needed to be seen immediately or it could make him very very unwell. And you know what? He was on the very next train home. He is a clever, hardworking man but he just sometimes can’t see the wood for the trees.

Hang on in there OP. Your DH may not improve but as others have said, your DH works to facilitate your family set up. I am sure he didn’t mean to be perfunctory in his text. He probably thought you absolutely knew that he knew that you would be upset and that you knew he was sorry! (Does any of that even make sense???)

BarbaraOfSeville I totall agree about the presenteeism culture. Just out of interest/ignorance all; what jobs do genuinely need regular over and above (not work that can be done at home) rather than the presenteeism issue.
I imagine working in a news room/ various media type jobs, and emergency services. What else?

I'm with Muskateersmummy on this...agree with all her posts.

And apologies if that is a really thick question!

I wonder if he had the 'huff' because he genuinely was stuck on the phone, didn't deliberately make you miss your swimming and feels you're making him feel bad and he didn't mean to let you down.

As I've said in earlier posts, being a sahm is a job! A hard, demanding, exhausting job! And you deserve some regular 'me time' and your DH should help to facilitate this.

However, I have to disagree with a couple of the posts on here, I'm not a surgeon or midwife etc and yet I often struggle to leave work on time and so does my DP. Many work places have a culture of not leaving on time, it isn't right, but it's the way it is. I've worked in many offices where the hours are 9-5.30 and everyone is in by 8.30 and still there at 6! Sometimes you have to prioritise your financial needs over finding your ideal workplace and that might mean making sacrifices in other areas.

When I was a sahm for a year, I really struggled at times and longed for 'me time'. It's hard!