Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Text etiquette when Dh was late home last night...who is right?

122 replies

Cloudybutwarm · 11/05/2016 06:31

I wouldn't have bothered posting about this except that Dh appears to still be in a huff about it so.....

To set the scene. I am a sahm. We have a 4 and 1 year old. Dh is away for work at least 2 days a week. He is busy and his hours can be erratic.

On a Tuesday there is a swimming session 6-7 that I try and go to as often as possible. It is literally my only regular trip out of the house for non child related activities during the week. Dh needs to be home by about 545 for this. We have talked about it before and I've made it clear that it is really important to me but obviously if Dh can't get away from work for any reason then so be it. I have missed it a few times but on the whole he is back in time for me to go.

Last night he texted at 5:40. His text said just leaving xx. That was it. Clearly he wasn't going to be back for swimming (irritating but not in itself a problem) but the lack of any avknowledgment of this in his text made me assume he'd forgotten about it which made me cross. I texted back just saying obviously I wasn't going to get to go swimming tonight then. When he got back he said sorry he was late, he'd just got stuck on the phone to his boss.

Now to the crux of the issue. I think he should have acknowledged the fact I'd not be able to go swimming in his text. Literally just something like 'sorry, just leaving' would have done, I don't mean an essay. He thought there was nothing wrong with just texting he was leaving because it was obvious by the time he sent it he wouldn't be back in time. But to me that makes it seem like either he just forgot or it just wasn't important enough to acknowledge.

Sorry for such a long post on such a trivial issue but he was grumping about it all evening so I am curious as to whether I was in fact deeply unreasonable to have pulled him up on this?

Thanks!

OP posts:
mangocoveredlamb · 11/05/2016 07:00

I too would be annoyed that he hasn't texted at the time which he should leave to say he was running late.
I don't think YABU to expect a bit more consideration.

DoreenLethal · 11/05/2016 07:01

To an extent though I suppose this is true seeing as he earns the money!

He is able to earn the money and not spend his wages on childcare because you are at home. You both earn the money as you are working bringing up children.

Becky546 · 11/05/2016 07:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Goingtobeawesome · 11/05/2016 07:06

Your post at 6:57am is sad.

Earnings money is not more important than child care. It just facilitates you all eating but maybe it is time to remind your H that if you weren't at home 24/6 and 23/1, then he wouldnt be able to do his oh so important job.

TJEckleburg · 11/05/2016 07:08

He is only able to earn that money because you are at home. This is important to you, so book a regular babysitter. It's not for you to go swimming, it's for your do to work late on a Tuesday night, which is the one night of the week you have a prior engagement and can't look after your children

Inshock73 · 11/05/2016 07:09

Cloudy Your job at home is just as important as his job at work! Looking after 2 children is also a job!. After my year at home I now work full time again and honestly being at work is easier than being a sahm! I don't want to say what I do but my job is quite stressful but I get to pee alone :) I can drink a whole cup of tea while it's still hot :) and I can eat my lunch without little fingers grabbing my food or crying they want some of it :)

JennyOnAPlate · 11/05/2016 07:11

I would have reacted in exactly the same way as you op. Being a sahp to 2 young dc is bloody hard work Flowers

Scone1nSixtySeconds · 11/05/2016 07:11

Flowers for you cloudy - and if you are u then so am I on a regular basis.

The inability of dh to leave at a 'normal time' once a week seriously tested our marriage and just like you I felt that it showed how unimportant I was.

My dc are now 12 and 10 and he still works ridiculous hours. I still resent the fact that i cannot commit to anything in the evening as i know he won't be home.

My suggestion would be to find a babysitter - the dc enjoy the change in company as much you will enjoy the space - its a win win. And if, by any chance, your dh grouches about the money you need to grit your teeth cheerfully tell him he can cancel that afternoon when he can guarantee he will be home. As you will not be there. And you need to not be there!

lavenderhoney · 11/05/2016 07:12

He forgot, because he isn't tied 24/7 to DC and never goes out without them.

If your swimming is a regular thing, get a regular babysitter to come or find a nice CM during the week who can have the 1 yr old for a couple of hours during the day. Don't rely on him - he knows he is unreliable and it's not fair.

catpower80 · 11/05/2016 07:18

I'd just say, hey hon, it's ok, but you obvs forgot about swimming last/the other night. Would a reminder on your phone be useful cause you have so much on at work it must be hard to remember my swimming class!

If you don't raise it, it'll naw away at you, but if you do raise it, try and do it in a non-confrontational way or it'll just start a row.

Iggi999 · 11/05/2016 07:19

But Cloudy if it was your boss, and you had to leave for a nursery pick up, you would just do it. Sad
Have you ever looked at the price of full-time, flexible hour childcare for tour dcs? At the very least that is what you are "earning" by saving the family this cost, not to mention all the other household and wife work stuff you'll do. What happens if you want to wotm again one day, if he can't even be home once a week how will he like sharing the drop offs and pick ups 50:50??

mummytime · 11/05/2016 07:22

Doesn't your pool have a creche?
You really do need to have regular "me time".

And I think YANBU - okay this isn't a major issue (no LTB) but he needs to acknowledge that he made a mistake. I'd suggest you have a calm discussion sometime about how you feel, tell him about how you feel about things that happen. (Reading something like "How to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk" can give you ideas on how to use "I" language.)
Tell him how it makes you feel less valued.

Dellarobia · 11/05/2016 07:22

Maybe YABU re the original issue.

But if he's been grumping about it all evening when you've moved on then I think YANBU. I hate a sulker.

DoinItFine · 11/05/2016 07:30

A sulker who sulks all night because someone had the termerity to pick them up on their own inconsiderate behaviour is really being quite a bit of a dick.

If you let someone down, they are likely to be pissed off. He decided it was worth passing you off rather than acting like an adult and taking his call on the road/train.

Now he's punishing you for daring to complain.

BitOutOfPractice · 11/05/2016 07:46

It's not about the text is it? It's about the fact that he can't be bothered to get home on time one day a week because he doesn't see stuff for you as important / a priority

And the extended huff is just pathetic - possibly because he knows he's in the wrong but rather than say that he's looking for something to deflect it with ie your complaint about the text.

FWIW I think him getting home in time on your swimming day is a biggie. Not because you can go swimming, but because it is a very clear demonstration that he respects you and appreciates you

SatsukiKusakabe · 11/05/2016 07:47

I think yanbu. If I was going to be kate and because of this another person was going to have to change their plans or miss out on something then of course I would acknowledge that straight away, regardless of whether it could be helped or not.

If he text just for quickness then when you told him you found it dismissive he should have apologised and explained that, not sulked with you.

I think badly done on his part.

FetchezLaVache · 11/05/2016 07:49

Dh thinks that pretty much everything I do is of lesser importance than the fact that he works. To an extent though I suppose this is true seeing as he earns the money!

No. No. No no no no no no no. Nooooooooooooooooooooo.

I was already thinking to myself that the swimming is a symptom rather than a cause when I came across this so although, on the face of it, YABU, YA also definitely NBU. Why on earth do you get so little down time when you have two children at such a very full-on age? No wonder you get quite territorial over your swimming. I agree with PP who suggested you look for a local teenager who could watch your kids for you now and again, so swimming needn't be dependent on your husband getting back at a certain time.

civilfawlty · 11/05/2016 07:50

I don't think you are being unreasonabke at all. It would have been thoughtful, and not doing so undermined the importance of the swimming session to you, particularly at this point in your life.

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 11/05/2016 07:54

💐

YANBU - 'Just leaving' or 'Just leaving :( sorry about swimming'.
Difference: about 2 seconds and your wife not feeling like you don't give a fuck.

Grumping about it all evening: Having ^ explained to him once, then being told to STFU and to think about how he'd feel if the situation was reversed. You are NOT 24/7 parent while he is 'free agent'. Tell him to 'grow some' re his boss. Just because you are nice & his boss isn't, doesn't mean it's ok to crap all over you because you'll be nice about it.

Being a SAHM doesn't mean being there 24/7 & DH opting out of any responsibility for his children. You being a SAHM gives him the opportunity to work, hassle free, - so you are both earning that money. If you weren't around he'd have to leave on time every night (or find & pay a nanny a good wage to 'work until whenever'). He needs to commit to leave on time on a Tuesday - end of. You need to stop putting yourself last.

DeadGood · 11/05/2016 07:55

" I often feel Dh thinks that pretty much everything I do is of lesser importance than the fact that he works. To an extent though I suppose this is true seeing as he earns the money!"

You both need to adjust your attitudes. I'm amazed that you have made it this far with two children in your situation.

I'm now not cross on your behalf but a little bit cross AT you for accepting his attitude.

NapQueen · 11/05/2016 07:57

OP he needs to be able to facilitate your one request.

Even if he gets home later can't you just go out anyways that evening? Maybe just do some lane swimming or whatever?

SatsukiKusakabe · 11/05/2016 08:02

I think though a lot of the suggestions are about the OP changing her behaviour - find babysitters, go swimming at a later time than she wants, get a job - and whilst I can see the benefit of those things, they are also mean her accommodating around the idea her DH can leave her in the lurch and not take responsibility for his share in the childcare. He should be making sure she gets her time and then some when it is possible.

Muskateersmummy · 11/05/2016 08:04

I do think you over reacted to the text but can understand why. It seems clear that his job is not one where he can just say to his boss sorry I have to go and collect the kids which is no doubt one of the reasons you are a sahm. It seems that you understand this but do resent it a little. Is there anyway you can go swimming on a different day/different time when he is more likely to be around, like a weekend for example?

I think you need to build the confidence that without you being at home he wouldn't be able to work as much as he does, so you are a crucial part of the family too, earning money isn't the only to contribute. Maybe you and dh need to have a dinner and talk honestly about how you feel and how you can both work to make things better ?

diddl · 11/05/2016 08:05

I think that YANBU.

5mins before you are thinking of leaving you get a text saying that he is just leaving-how disappointing.

Perhaps tell him that it is important to you & he needs to make an effort.

You're hardly asking for the moon wanting an hrs swim a week!

I bet he wouldn't have got waylaid on the phone if he wanted to be somewhere!

Iggi999 · 11/05/2016 08:11

It seems clear that his job is not one where he can just say to his boss sorry I have to go and collect the kids
Where is this made clear???! It's just men's jobs that have this caveat though isn't it. I have had a SAHP for a while and life for me was so much easier - I was working hard, not taking the piss, but definitely felt I'd no rush to be out the door and home for a certain time if I fancied finishing something off or talking to a colleague. Dh had plenty of leisure time though.
It was fascinating to see how the other half lived, and certainly make and doubtful that men cannot escape work on time, at certain times.