Text etiquette when Dh was late home last night...who is right?

[Cloudybutwarm]

I wouldn't have bothered posting about this except that Dh appears to still be in a huff about it so.....

To set the scene. I am a sahm. We have a 4 and 1 year old. Dh is away for work at least 2 days a week. He is busy and his hours can be erratic.

On a Tuesday there is a swimming session 6-7 that I try and go to as often as possible. It is literally my only regular trip out of the house for non child related activities during the week. Dh needs to be home by about 545 for this. We have talked about it before and I've made it clear that it is really important to me but obviously if Dh can't get away from work for any reason then so be it. I have missed it a few times but on the whole he is back in time for me to go.

Last night he texted at 5:40. His text said just leaving xx. That was it. Clearly he wasn't going to be back for swimming (irritating but not in itself a problem) but the lack of any avknowledgment of this in his text made me assume he'd forgotten about it which made me cross. I texted back just saying obviously I wasn't going to get to go swimming tonight then. When he got back he said sorry he was late, he'd just got stuck on the phone to his boss.

Now to the crux of the issue. I think he should have acknowledged the fact I'd not be able to go swimming in his text. Literally just something like 'sorry, just leaving' would have done, I don't mean an essay. He thought there was nothing wrong with just texting he was leaving because it was obvious by the time he sent it he wouldn't be back in time. But to me that makes it seem like either he just forgot or it just wasn't important enough to acknowledge.

Sorry for such a long post on such a trivial issue but he was grumping about it all evening so I am curious as to whether I was in fact deeply unreasonable to have pulled him up on this?

Thanks!

I too would love to know what all these 'man jobs' are that must be prioritised at all times. Can women do them?

Nope.

And that is a matter of policy, not an accident.

I'm glad dh and I work in the same line of work so I don't fall for this "so important it can't wait" guff. I think a lot of people who stay at home have no idea how much time is wasted at work, either by skiving, perfectionism or presenteeism. And by skiving I include meetings that look vair important but could be accomplished in half the time or by conference call!

YANBU. I sometimes have this with DH.

He works full time and I work part time - comparable salaries pro rata, but obviously I only get paid for the hours that I do.

I am studying one night a week at the moment for a career change which will be less well paid, but work much better for our family and something that I have always wanted to pursue, so although its primarily for my benefit, it will be good for all our family, including him. To enable me to go, DH has to be home by 1730 one night a week. If he is late, I am late for the course. If he gets stuck on a phone call or meeting, I miss the beginning of the course. I never get an apology and he always sulks if I call him on it. Drives me insane.

He is pretty good and has moved from not valuing my job and financial contribution because I went part time after DC to acknowledging its importance, but on the course I am doing, he insists on treating it as if I am going for a spa treatment.

I am giving up work to concentrate on my studies next year (daytime) and we are having serious talks about how that will need to be respected and supported, even though I wont be earning.

Charley50. I was a CP social worker and I often had very late nights as I couldn't walk away from the job I had started. In that job if you had an appointment straight after work the whole days work would have to be scheduled around you. And you had to be firm in saying you couldn't respond in an emergency if your appointment was important.

Its a priveledge to be a SAHM.

It's more of a privilege to have one.

To have someone agree to give up their income, their financial independence, and throw their lot in entirely with yours.

To risk poverty in their old age, long term financial stability so that they can look after your domestic responsibilities and make your working life easier.

If someone is prepared to do that for you, then you owe them a huge amount of consideration and respect.

There are mobile phones now. There is no excuse for leaving work late because you are on a call.

"I need to leave now, I'll call you back from my mobile so we can finish this conversation while I'm travelling.

Late back means something big came up, not a phone call with your boss.

iggi it's not guff, I worked in hospitals, packing up and going home midway through something was not an option. Even in office based jobs meetings run long, deadlines need to be met, sometimes people can't get away. Op says 80% of the time he gets away. I think it's unrealistic to think that every single time you can drop everything and run.

Doinitfine. In my DHs job a call from the boss is without doubt something he might be late for. His boss works in a differ t site from him. They both travel a lot and have very busy schedules. A call from his boss the evening before presenting an important board paper, or in advance of releasing important information to the press, or about a big security breach would all be important enough that DH would need to have hat cal and be late.

Having been married for 31 years I have had my fair share of exasperation about him not getting away but he ensures we have a lovely lifestyle and that we are well set up for old age. He is a very driven man and is driven by a need to provide for his family and I accommodate that. That is how our marriage has worked for so long.

cloudy I think the issue is running much deeper than not acknwoledging the swimming.
What is grating, on your pov, is the fact you are taken for granted, that what you do isn't seen that important (it's just swimming in his eyes, not the end of the world so why the upset?) whereas you see that as your ONE and only time that is for you, the one time when actually you come first.
And tbh, this is totally undersdandable.

He has made clear that what you do isn't important and you HAVE taken on a role where you are there to support him and his work, to fit alongsode him rather than be your own person in an equal relationssip.
And you are agreeing to this by saying that you can't possibly go back to work etc...

So yes all that did come out in the text and not acknowledging the swin (Just one word 'sorry' would have been enough).
But it does come out too with the fact you don't feel you can go back to work, even though you want to etc...
That you will be the one to organise all the childacre, WHY??? to do all the drop offs, WHY??? and I assume all the HW etc... again WHY???

I say that as someone who has a DH who had similar stupid hours, was away 2 or 3 days a week for work etc...
There IS a way aorund it, it is possible for him to be involved.

The fact that he is at the moment earning all/most of the money doesn't give him a bigger status or allow him to do whatever he wants. And it doesn't mean you should take on a lesser role and forget about your needs/ambitons/wishes.

I appreciate that he IS trying to do the right thing by getting back on times as much as possible.
But the underlying issue runs much deeper than that.

Musketeer, neither dh nor I have ever been late to pick our children up from nursery/childminder. Are you suggesting the people in those jobs regularly do that? I have nights I work late, then he is on child duty and vice versa. If you have to be away, you get away. But the OP's lesson is not viewed as being a firm deadline, it's just a nice-if-it-can-fit-in one for him. Which I would actually agree with, if it wasn't the one time a week he is expected to be home for the children.

The night before a big presentation - you know well in advance. Not at 5.40 when your wife is already waiting for you.

Massive security breach - emergency

This was "I was on the phone to my boss and didn't have the balls to either finish the call or take it on the way home."

I would be very concerned about entrusting my financial future to someone so incapable of professional assertiveness.

Nobody respects people they can push around.

blue that is only acceptable if you are happy to be a SAHM and run your life around him.

It is NOT an acceptable position if you want to have a job/career too (lots of reasons for that, one of those being that if he has an accident or is becoming ill, what on earth are you going to live on?).
And that's why it has to be a JOINT decision, not one person saying 'well now I am the one with he job as you have been at home looking after OUR chuildren so this is how it is. You have to fit aorund me.'

I'm not saying that it isn't a position that you can be happy with. IT clearkly works for you.
What I'm saying is that it doesn';t have to work for everyone!

These are also the men who can't possibly be off work when a dc is sick, or take them to appointments.

Not at all iggi, I wasn't late because I had dh and DM to collect for me. Op's dh has her to collect children for him. She says he does try to get away, he didn't manage it this time. People who work those kind of jobs have a support system in place and make compromises. Like for us, we didn't book unmovable things in for week nights, unless we had a babysitter ready to step in because my working life was unpredictable.

Doinitfine. No disrespect but you are being very naive about some things. The night before a board presentation in a massive financial company to a board of jittery board members on information regarding global security definitely needs talking through the night before! Especially if you are looking for millions of pounds to implement a project!

I can't stand the idea that being a SAHM is a privilege. In our case it's saving money because it would cost more to work than to stay home, we financially benefit from it, it is a sacrifice on my part. Once the kids are in school it will become viable to work and I can't wait. Currently I am dependent on DH to get home so I can do things, including volunteering and study. It sucks to be reliant in that way, especially where you don't feel your needs are treated equally and your OH is a rubbish communicator. You are both playing your part in making this work so considering yourselves as equal is vital, albeit sometimes priorities mean someone's needs don't always get met and this needs to be referred to when it happens.

I hope to get back to work in a few months, a new career potentially. DH will be playing an equal role in childcare whether his manager likes it or not - he can find a new job if needs be, there's no shortage of suitable roles. I may have more freedom working than I do now.

And being a SAHM doesn't mean the man earns loads, sometimes other sacrifices have been made like a smaller house and no holidays. I've had a mother moan about the hardship of having to work with young kids, but it was their choice to mortgage themselves up to their eyeballs. They viewed themselves as hard done by compared to us with a SAHM in our two bed flat.

Muskateer I agree.
As long as he doesn't also think he does not have to make ANY effort at all re childcare etc... and/or make some concessions to enable to her to work too if she wants to.
Atm, he has made clear he is the one earning the money therefore he is the one who takes precedence.
That's not the sign of balanced relationship.

"It is literally my only regular trip out of the house for non child related activities during the week."

This leapt out at me. I think there is every chance your DH doesn't understand what that is like - because I'm not sure people do understand until they have done it.

I don't think you're being unreasonable in the circumstances, but I think there's a wider issue - you need more time for you in the course of the week.

It sucks to be reliant in that way, especially where you don't feel your needs are treated equally and your OH is a rubbish communicator. You are both playing your part in making this work so considering yourselves as equal is vital

YY you've expressed my thoughts much more eloquently than me!

Blue sky I think you've misunderstood that post, she was pointing out the difference that you would know about that kind of late night well in advance, not 5 mins before.

The night before a board presentation in a massive financial company to a board of jittery board members on information regarding global security definitely needs talking through the night before!

Quite.

But normally those meetings aren't called at 5.40 the night before.

So you can easily say to your spouse "It's going to be a late one tonight. Maybe get a babysitter for swimming. There is no chance I'll be back."

does he send the same text every day when he is leaving? my hubby just forwards the same one every day so the wording never changes.

There seems to be an idea floating around that being a sahm is a privilege of the wealthy - sometimes it is a choice made with a lot of sacrifices, just different ones.

I'm a sahm. My dh and I agreed the benefits of this and I am taking a hit career wise to do it because that's the way we prioritised it. I wouldn't go as far as to say I don't have to work - some months it is very tight indeed and we have a far reduced lifestyle compared to friends who have two incomes, and they are not rolling in it. I work very hard doing things that I would have to pay someone else to do, and respect and appreciation of that is not negotiable, irrespective of how stressful dh's job is in comparison. His life would get considerably worse in terms of childcare and household tasks if I worked, and he knows it, and he is far more flexible socially.

No one likes to be taken for granted, which is what this amounts to. It's important because little things too often start to build resentment, and it can work both ways.

Okay I might bow out this thread now. Actually this kind of call is not always scheduled and known in advance. But anyhow, if you think I am talking bill inks then fine. But after 31 year you would think I might know something...,,

No I agree it needs to be an agreement from both parties and op needs to talk to him about feeling like she doesn't contribute, I'm sure he is more grateful than he appears. The contrast in our case was whilst dh did the drop offs and pick ups it was often easier for me or DM to take time off when dd was ill, I could work from home. It's compromising.

Perhaps you should start billing your DH?