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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU in my reaction?

126 replies

MrsDeathOfRats · 10/05/2016 15:55

H's family live in Europe. He hasn't seen them in years due to him needing a visa (he's from Middle East) and he is lazy about that sort of stuff.

Anyway, a while back we had a row about him getting a European visa. I can't quite recall exactly what started it but he was very defensive about it and something didn't feel right to me. He was absolutely insistent he wanted the visa incase we went away as a family. (He doesn't need one of he travels with me but was also insistent that it was safer if he had one himself).

He complains endlessly (really really endlessly) about money. How we don't have any. He always says 'can't afford it' whenever I want to do anything as a family and we won't be having a holiday this year due to money.

So, fast forward to today:
He came in from work and announced he is going to visit his family at the end of the month. He is going alone and will be taking the car.

By 'the car' he means the family and not his car which he uses purely for work. It is probably not really road legal (has problems) and he doesn't trust it to go all the way to France and back. And I would never put the kids in it. But it's his car so I don't get involved in him driving it to work etc.

I may have over reacted but it was be way he spoke to me. He just informed me it was happening that we aren't all going, when he is going and he's taking the car. There was no discussion. No conversation. Nothing.
Topped off by the real reason for the visa coming out - which I have no issue with but why lie in an earlier argument?

Basically I wasn't impressed. I didn't about swear or have a go at him but he could see I wasn't happy. It has scuppered plans I had already made for the same dates and I am not happy about him taking the car.
He saw this and it escalated very quickly into a full on argument (no DC present) where he was ranting and raving that I am trying to control him and bully him and he has every right to just tell me and take the car as he paid for half of it and I use it all the time.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 12/05/2016 18:51

The more I think about it the more I think he's taking someone with him

OP I know you've said that you don't think he'd want to take the children on this particular trip, but in all honesty he's not shared anything much about his plans, has he? Not exactly where he's going - or why - or for how long - or who with - or anything at all really?

Please forgive (and ignore) me if I'm completely overreacting, but in your position I'm afraid my absolute priority would be to visit that solicitor again and do whatever's possible to prevent the children from leaving the country

Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 12/05/2016 19:35

The children will be with me and I have their passports, birth certificates and all other id documents. I am taking them to my mums tomorrow

I can ask for a prohibitive steps order though. I will enquire tomorrow.

part of the reason I don't think he wants to take them is that he doesn't know I'm filing for divorce so at the moment he has no reason to 'abduct' them... Or am I being Naive?

OP posts:
memyselfandaye · 12/05/2016 19:58

Follow him when he leaves, in a friend's car.

Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 12/05/2016 20:06

Lol. I could. But honestly I can't be bothered.
We have just argued again about the car as he has now changed his mind about giving me the money and spouted about how he should be able to use it whenever he wants. He should never have to ask.

My mum's friend is selling a car. Going tomorrow to see if it's affordable for me. Can't wait to come back and say 'here are your keys, where is my money'

and hen go back outside and scratch the shit out of the stupid fucking thing

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 12/05/2016 21:29

Just posting to rant so I don't explode here at home.

It's as if he is trying to wind me up and bait me.
He normally doesn't shave much and if he does he does it in the morning before work when I wouldn't see. But he came home today and he has trimmed his hair (ears nose etc) and now shaved before going to bed (he sleeps on the sofa).

Prior to this argument he would go to bed immediately after the DC but now he is staying up, moving around the flat, watching films, laughing loudly etc.

It is annoying me. Probably because it is designed to but I am maintaining that cool can exterior. I am exuding an air of 'whatever'

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 12/05/2016 23:27

"We have just argued again about the car as he has now changed his mind about giving me the money and spouted about how he should be able to use it whenever he wants. He should never have to ask."
Are the car documents somewhere safe? Could he be planning to sell it without telling you?

OK he went to the trouble of getting a visa - but what proof have you that he is actually going to be visiting his family, other than that he has told you he is doing that?

Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 13/05/2016 07:39

I hadn't thought about the V5! Good idea but it's in my name, he would have a hard time selling it without me.

I have zero proof of where he's going or who with or to see who. No proof at all.

He is being extremely defensive. Extremely evasive. Says I have no right to ask what he is doing at any time (this from a man who doesn't know how marriage is under attack right now from divorce so he thinks life will continue on this way) he is a MAJOR bully when he wants to be and tbf... I've always backed down. We might have fought bitterly over the wars but ultimately I've always backed down to him.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 13/05/2016 07:41

Don't give him the keys until you get the money.

Don't get the drama over him shaving.

brassbrass · 13/05/2016 08:40

I think the shaving and odd behaviour is all part of grinding you down. He wants to get his own way, he can see you're challenging him with the car so he's employing other tactics to unsettle you.

You are doing great. Remain aloof and detached. Let him act out however he wants. He will be gone soon enough. Stick to your plans!

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/05/2016 14:48

Do you know exactly when he plans to go? Could you have taken the children visiting the day before,and decide to stay over, somewhere he can't reach? Then he'd have to take his own car/hire a car/fly/train? If you want to be nice you could take them for a few days, 'make your decision once you're there', then phone him from wherever a day or two before he goes to confirm you (and your car) won't be back before he goes, to give him time to hire/buy tickets.

I just don't think the car's going to come back, at lest not in one piece. And how soon will he know you've set the divorce in motion, will he know by then? In which case I'd definitely take steps to prevent him taking MY car.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/05/2016 14:54

I'm even wondering if he plans to 'gift' your car to his family. The fact that it's legally yours won't make it any cheaper or easier to recover from abroad. Make him look good/rich/successful to his family, piss you off as a bonus, and he's probably pretty confident he can bully you into not trying to get the car back. Does this sound the sort of thing he'd do?

Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 13/05/2016 15:27

Long and short of it is, that car is not leaving the country unless he has given me cold hard cash for my half before he leaves.
There's one key. I have it.

I'm viewing a car later today anyway. My priority right now is to get a new car and I'll sign the old one over to him when he pays me for it.

Re divorce: I can't afford a solicitor. Just way way out of my price range so will have to DIY it. I'm going to write him a letter explaining that I'm filing for divorce and file the petition ASAP. I feel it is the only way he is going to accept it is happening. I just need him out of my immediate life. He's so nasty

OP posts:
mix56 · 13/05/2016 16:45

if you have decided to divorce. maybe You should advise the visa people that his circumstances have changed. (altho maybe if he couldn't live in the UK that wouldn't be the best for DCs? or for child support. )
what is this shaving business? has he got a OW ? he is changing his routine... Maybe he is going to leave ?

PirateFairy45 · 13/05/2016 16:52

Tell him he's not taking the car.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/05/2016 16:57

he would have a hard time selling it without me

Please don't kid yourself, OP - not everywhere has the UK's careful procedures over car registration

Obviously you know best, but I do wonder about signposting the divorce too often? It might already be too late, but Isn't there perhaps a risk in giving him too much time to get his ducks in a row, rather than (as a PP mentioned) simply taking yourself, the DCs and the car somewhere he can't reach, leaving him to go then simply hitting him with it?

LaContessaDiPlump · 13/05/2016 18:37

My dad is Arab and I grew up in the ME. Your H's outraged attitude at you daring to argue with him sounds like most Arab men married to European women that I've ever met (quite a few). Let's hope he has a new victim on the hook as that'll make it quicker.

Be prepared for him to carry on about your loose morals in hooking up with him in the first place btw. It always seems to come down to 'You white whores' in the end Sad it will hurt but remember it's not true.

Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 13/05/2016 19:56

No idea if there is an OW.
Everything sort of points that way.

A few months back he pass worded his phone. Said he had left it in a van at work and when he got it back it had clearly been gone through. So I thought no more of it.

He hates all social media and things like whatsapp. He has in the past belittled me for using them. You know how whatsapp shows when someone was last logged in? Well he seems to be using it ALOT. Claims he ONLY uses it to organise football. Which he plays once a week, at the same time, same place with the same people. So I don't buy that actually.

The shaving business I think is to wind me up and antagonise me. Cos he would normally do that in the morning so I think it's all 'look at what I'm doing'.
And probably cos I have mentioned in the past that it would be nice if he shaved more for us then for work. So I do think that is him sticking his fingers up at me.

A few weeks back he complained about lack of sex. I said that considering how awful our relationship is I am stunned he thinks I should sleep with him.
Anyway he ended up yelling at me that it is my duty to have sex with him and that I am not fulfilling my duty. And if I continued to be a bad wife then it would be my fault when he cheats on me as he will have no choice.
Sex is his right you see Angry

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 13/05/2016 20:30

Anyway he ended up yelling at me that it is my duty to have sex with him and that I am not fulfilling my duty

How delightful ... a real prince you've got there Hmm

Itscurtainsforyou · 13/05/2016 20:40

Wow OP - he sounds hideous.

How long will he be away for? Will he know about the divorce petition before he goes? Can you though him out with all his stuff while he's gone?

Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 13/05/2016 20:47

Legally I could yes.
Flat is in my name only.

I have stumbled slightly on he divorce as I can not afford a solicitor so gonna have to do it myself and I'm worried he might contest it. But I still want to file ASAP. Not going to tell him until I have filed though.

My mum has said she will come collect me and DC at least the day before he goes away and we will stay with her and she will then take us home Sunday evening.
This is if I haven't got a new car by then of course.

If I have everything is moot.

OP posts:
Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 13/05/2016 20:50

He is hideous.... And I feel stupid saying this but he is charming and there's... Something.

It's been 6 years and it has systematically gotten worse and worse. Because I think he believes I'll never go through with it.

I have since read that he will have to inform the home office of our divorce and will be required to surrender his spousal visa and either leave the uk or start applications for a visa due to family (ie DC settled here).
He is going to be furious about that and it's a reason I have held off as I feel like I'm making decisions about someone else's life.

But he has done this to me. He has bullied me and I won't take anymore. I know I will be blamed though. Nothing is ever his fault

OP posts:
magoria · 13/05/2016 20:55

You need to check where you stand legally.

As you are married the flat being in your name only may not be as strong a position as you think. It maybe an asset of the marriage. At the least it is his place of habitation and he has a right to be there.

A couple of £100 to know exactly where you stand maybe better than nothing even if it seems expensive.

Just make sure you don't do anything that can be held against you.

brassbrass · 13/05/2016 21:14

He is going to be furious about that and it's a reason I have held off as I feel like I'm making decisions about someone else's life

but you should realise that he made cold, calculated decisions about your life. He was quite happy to exploit you, have a child with you with not the slightest intention of building the family life that you might have been imagining - a husband, a father. You have been a visa via a baby making machine. So please don't feel guilty.

Original poster
MrsDeathOfRats · 13/05/2016 21:21

I have had legal advice.
The flat is not owned. It is a council flat. I am the only tenant listed so he has no rights to it what-so-ever.

He will either:

Sign the papers in a 'can't wait to be rid of you' manner.

OR

he will make it as awkward as possible while being disgustingly polite and 'reasonable' in an incredibly unreasonable way.

I just not sure which way it's going to go

OP posts:
Reallywantgherkins · 13/05/2016 21:21

I know there is a lot going on here, but to add to all the great advice you've received, a v5c isn't proof of ownership, it just shows who's legally responsible for the vehicle. Please, get yourself removed from the v5c (you can do that online and its immediate) before he leaves the country in the car to cover youself.

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