WIBU in my reaction?

[MrsDeathOfRats]

H's family live in Europe. He hasn't seen them in years due to him needing a visa (he's from Middle East) and he is lazy about that sort of stuff.

Anyway, a while back we had a row about him getting a European visa. I can't quite recall exactly what started it but he was very defensive about it and something didn't feel right to me. He was absolutely insistent he wanted the visa incase we went away as a family. (He doesn't need one of he travels with me but was also insistent that it was safer if he had one himself).

He complains endlessly (really really endlessly) about money. How we don't have any. He always says 'can't afford it' whenever I want to do anything as a family and we won't be having a holiday this year due to money.

So, fast forward to today:
He came in from work and announced he is going to visit his family at the end of the month. He is going alone and will be taking the car.

By 'the car' he means the family and not his car which he uses purely for work. It is probably not really road legal (has problems) and he doesn't trust it to go all the way to France and back. And I would never put the kids in it. But it's his car so I don't get involved in him driving it to work etc.

I may have over reacted but it was be way he spoke to me. He just informed me it was happening that we aren't all going, when he is going and he's taking the car. There was no discussion. No conversation. Nothing.
Topped off by the real reason for the visa coming out - which I have no issue with but why lie in an earlier argument?

Basically I wasn't impressed. I didn't about swear or have a go at him but he could see I wasn't happy. It has scuppered plans I had already made for the same dates and I am not happy about him taking the car.
He saw this and it escalated very quickly into a full on argument (no DC present) where he was ranting and raving that I am trying to control him and bully him and he has every right to just tell me and take the car as he paid for half of it and I use it all the time.

They do have passports but I will remove those now but in all honestly no, that didn't occur to me.

Besides the children have dual citizenship, English and Algerian so he could simply apply for Algerian passports for them without me and then they can travel to Algeria.

I will remove their British passports.

I study at my mums on a Friday to Saturday so me and DC stay over night so mum can look after kids while I study.
H has just spat at me 'you think I'm stupid. You think I don't know what you do at your mums' but won't explain what he means by that

Your right this doesn't feel okay at all. He either doesn't plan returning or is up to something. I would keep a close eye on your finances. If you have any doubts inform the authorities and have the spousal visa revoked.

Reading this back he sounds like an asshole.

I did see a lawyer a while back just to understand my options and my mind increasingly goes to divorce.

No joint finances.

In fact, we don't have a single thing in both names. Pretty much everything is in my name. Flat is, we have separate bank accounts.

Cars are both in my name, he is insured on both though.

I think there's something you can lodge, isn't there, so that he couldn't leave the country with the children without your permission. Tbh I would be putting that in place now and I wouldn't keep the passports in the house. Could you ask your bank whether they have safety deposit boxes for customers? If not you could ask the solicitor you spoke to if they can recommend anywhere safe. I would be approaching this guy as someone who you really shouldn't trust.

A prohibitive steps order, that says he isn't allowed to remove the children from the country but it didn't actually stop him. It is more of a deterrent.
My lawyer actually said that when I saw him.

I'm not concerned for this trip that he would want to take them. But I will ask about the possibility of stopping him in future but as he is on the birth certificate j don't think I can as he has PR

It sounds like he's looking to start an argument to justify his behaviour which he knows is out of order. If the cars are in your name ( you are the registered keeper) then he can't take either one without your permission. ( irrespective of payments & insurance etc) Presumably you need a car to drive your children around so it seems extremely unreasonable of him to expect you to put them in a car which is not very roadworthy. If his car is not up to the journey to Europe then I would be suggesting another form of transport. Personally I would start snooping and looking for the travel bookings ( I've never booked a ferry but presumably you need to list the passengers travelling?). I'm worried his plan would be to remove the children even if you're convinced he wants to return to the UK. Does he still have family in Algeria because it would be a nightmare to recover them if he took them there. Certainly hide the passports.... Sorry to sound dramatic but it's extremely selfish behaviour if nothing else.

His phone has a passcode I don't know, and I don't know his email passwords either so snooping would be pretty difficult. I could check history on laptop but if he is being this weird and paranoid then he will likely have deleted it.

All of that drama aside I'm sick of the shitty way he speaks to me and how his life is so straight forward.

If I want to go running I have to structure the whole day around it and make sure he is going to be home to look after the kids.
If he wants to go running he just goes, often on his way home from work and I don't know about it til afterwards.

Same for everything in his life. If he wants to do it he just does. If I want to I have to arrange it and if he isn't available to look after the kids I can't do whatever it was

Well it doesn't sound like much of a partnership - I know I'm going to get flamed for this but the Algerian men I've met have not had very progressive views about the role of women etc and it does sound like he considers himself the " head of the house". I hope I haven't freaked you out about taking the children. Having thought about it it does seem unlikely given he's waited this long for his immigration issues to be sorted. I wonder if there are other reasons for why he's determined to take the car. Is he afraid of flying? Perhaps he wants to bring things/people back with him rather than taking the children out. Is he likely to pitch up with some asylum seeker he's smuggled in the back of the car? Or maybe a boot load of moonshine ?? You don't sound very devastated at the thought of losing him Ratty do you think this relationship has run its course? . Do the good moments outweigh the bad? Perhaps his absence is an opportunity to reflect on how your family would cope without him. Good luck.

but has it ever been a partnership ?

OP you suspect something is dodgy but I can't quite grasp what you're afraid of. What do you think is going to happen?

If you were to separate what would that do to his visa status?

Not sure what you can do about him but you should secure everything at your end.

Could a member of his family be in trouble with the French authorities, and he's wanting to get him out? Or is he likely to try people smuggling to make a load of money? It sounds odd that he's decided to go to France now, after all these years, without discussing it with you first.

In reality no, it's never been much of a partnership.

We are quite different and my family think he has used me a bit. We got pregnant very quickly, before we even lived together.
My cynical family think that he found an English girl, had a baby married her etc as now the UK can't deny him leave to remain as he has human rights to family life.
I was never convinced of this but this year has been so horrendous between us and now he has completely closed the door on me with regards to talking etc.

I feel played.
He has NO interest in my family. None at all. Never has.
My dad is not well n I arranged to go see him and asked H to come to help with the kids. He did.
He is now hurling that at me about how when it's my family it's ok to use the car or expect his help etc. But when it's his family then I'm against it etc etc.

I'm not against it. I just don't like being informed like as a courtesy. And why can't we all go? Why not take the kids to see their family?
It's the way he treats me. Like I'm his secretary.

Sorry, but I would refuse him the car, he can fly 'easyjet/marseille, paris, nice etc around £80 probably, cheaper than the eurostar..... never mind the péage & petrol. then wait till he's gone, then do whatever is necessary to separate. Fast

Even though he has PR he would still need your permission to take the children out of the country (unless there is a Child Arrangement Order from the courts stating that the children live with him. A Specific Issues Order wouldn't confer any greater protection.

Definitely keep their British passports safe (at work maybe or with a trusted friend/relation) because even if he can get Algerian ones for them it will take time.

Should you think he is planning on taking them you can notify the relevant agencies to notify them that the children have been taken without your permission. For information see: www.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/265613/Int_Child_Abduction_1113_AW.pdf

I know this might sound like overkill but Algeria is not signed up to the Hague convention. If he managed to take them there your chances of getting them returned would be minimal due to the application of Sharia law.

To apply for any passport surely you need documentation of some sort? Is it worth removing birth certificates as well?

Regardless of his motives your life with him going forwards doesn't look rosy does it? You deserve to be in an equal and happy relationship. When he goes use the time to think about what you want. Do you want the DC to see him treating you like this? Is this the model of family life they should be learning?

The positives are that everything is in your name and you have a family who see him for what he is and will likely support you to move on without him. He's treating you badly by announcing his selfish travel plans like this but it could be a blessing in disguise if it spurs you into action?

It's odd that he's not taking you all, if he hasn't seen his family for years. I would have expected him to want them to meet you and the children. But then, it's odd that you've never all gone over before now.

Are his family ultra-conservative? Has he had a big row with them in the past, and has now decided to go to rebuild bridges with them? I'm trying to understand his motivation.

Whatever his reasons for going, the main problem seems to be a huge lack of communication and respect in your relationship. It doesn't sound like a happy marriage that you would fight to save. As everything is in your name, you are already in a strong position should you separate. I suppose that as you have children together, a separation at this point wouldn't affect his visa/right to remain anyway. Do you want to stay with him?

Op, if your relationship breaks down, does your H still have leave to remain in the UK? I have read of cases where the non resident parent has taken taken DC back to their country and left them with family while they move on elsewhere.

It seems you can't trust your H, do everything you can to protect your DC and stay strong. You don't deserve to treated like this.

Are you sure he hasn't already got citizenship and is keeping it a secret from you? You said he was 'a stone's throw away from getting it.'

I would protect all your finances - as well as the passports.

Another thought - he's not planning on bringing any of his family back with him is he? To stay in your house?

Can the car keys go missing?

I don't think he is planning. On bringing anyone back.

I can't put my finger on what my fear is but something is not right. He is hiding something or he is acting like he is because he knows he is BU.

I don't think he would take the children to Algeria and not bring them back. He doesn't want to go back there so I can't see him doing that.

He is 'stone throw away' in that he just applied for his last 2.5 yr visa a couple months back.
At the end of this visa (mid 2018) he can apply for leave to remain.
His visa is a spousal visa. Interestingly it is reliant on our marriage so I don't know what would happen if we divorce.
I guess he could apply for one as a parent.

The Algerian embassy are extremely lax about documentation and don't seem at all bothered about following procedure. So I don't think it would take much for him to get their passports.

I contacted that lawyer last night so will see what happens when he calls. I don't want to live like this anymore.
He just makes everything so difficult and he gets so nasty when he doesn't get what he wants. He says I'm the bully but he is bullying me but threat of argument and punishment.

I told him if he wants to take the car he can buy out my share and I will go buy a new car for me and he kids and he has been messaging me today (in a very sickly sweet passive aggressive way) that if I could arrange that it would be great.
The formality of his messages are indicating again that something is amiss here.

Maybe it's an affair. Who knows...

good at least you've got a solicitor lined up. See what advice they come up with.

I definitely will.

Have instructed my solicitor today.
Feel a bit underhand as he doesn't realise I've done it.

They are sending out a care package now.

Feel like I'm floating through, every time I get upset about it I think 'no this is he only option left'

if you get the wobbles you need to remind yourself -

what does he bring to the relationship?
what is your daily like like now?

I'm sure you won't have to think too long before you're back on the wagon again.

what is your daily life like now

Thanks for support.

This has been a long time coming really.

He contributes money, that's it really.

I will go onto benefits for a while til I finish my diploma and can get DS into nursery, then I can work again and I will be financially better off as well as emotionally.

I am slightly panicked about coping with them both alone. DS is a rubbish sleeper, can take ages to get him to sleep. I haven't trained him cos it feels so cruel he is velcro'd to me around 16 hours a day and non verbal so the only help h really provides is putting Dd to bed.
I know I'll cope cos there isn't any other option really!!