WIBU in my reaction?

[MrsDeathOfRats]

H's family live in Europe. He hasn't seen them in years due to him needing a visa (he's from Middle East) and he is lazy about that sort of stuff.

Anyway, a while back we had a row about him getting a European visa. I can't quite recall exactly what started it but he was very defensive about it and something didn't feel right to me. He was absolutely insistent he wanted the visa incase we went away as a family. (He doesn't need one of he travels with me but was also insistent that it was safer if he had one himself).

He complains endlessly (really really endlessly) about money. How we don't have any. He always says 'can't afford it' whenever I want to do anything as a family and we won't be having a holiday this year due to money.

So, fast forward to today:
He came in from work and announced he is going to visit his family at the end of the month. He is going alone and will be taking the car.

By 'the car' he means the family and not his car which he uses purely for work. It is probably not really road legal (has problems) and he doesn't trust it to go all the way to France and back. And I would never put the kids in it. But it's his car so I don't get involved in him driving it to work etc.

I may have over reacted but it was be way he spoke to me. He just informed me it was happening that we aren't all going, when he is going and he's taking the car. There was no discussion. No conversation. Nothing.
Topped off by the real reason for the visa coming out - which I have no issue with but why lie in an earlier argument?

Basically I wasn't impressed. I didn't about swear or have a go at him but he could see I wasn't happy. It has scuppered plans I had already made for the same dates and I am not happy about him taking the car.
He saw this and it escalated very quickly into a full on argument (no DC present) where he was ranting and raving that I am trying to control him and bully him and he has every right to just tell me and take the car as he paid for half of it and I use it all the time.

and your DS will grow out of it that is inevitable also remember to accept help wherever possible from family/friends.

once he's out of the flat you can try creating new routines around the children. It will be hard work initially but it won't be forever. In the meantime he won't be coming and going like a hotel guest sucking the joy out of your life.

My cynical family think that he found an English girl, had a baby married her etc as now the UK can't deny him leave to remain

I'm sorry to say this but maybe they have a point, especially given the appalling abuse he's handing out; for me it has all the hallmarks of someone planning an escape route when the time is right

You may not be sure what effect a divorce would have on his right to remain, but I'd bet my house that he knows. Personally I'd see a solicitor and strongly consider bringing this to an end before 2018 comes round ... and if possible spike his chance of remaining, while you're at it?

I am starting to agree with my family.
Something is definitely off.

Hopefully it won't take long for the divorce petition to come through.
Solicitor said if nothing goes wrong I could have a decree nisi in as little as 6 weeks

really as quick as that? how come?

OP I thought the "6 week for a nisi" thing was if nobody objected/contested the petition? I honestly don't want to worry you - and after all you've got time to spare before 2018 - but is he really likely to just roll over re a divorce if it could affect his immigration status?

He just said if H doesn't contest the divorce and all paper work is signed and sent back immediately it can be 6 weeks. That's the shortest time frame.

Then there's a financial order. Which shouldn't be an issue as we have nothing joint so just need both of us to sign to say we have no future claim to each other etc.

Then it's all done.

Of course, H could decide to make t complicated and drawn out.
Solicitor advises that I request H pays my fees but tbh, I would rather pay them as be sorted then have to fight it out cos he won't want to pay them.

Yes, I'm in 2 minds as to whether he will agree or not. But the fact of the matter is he can't stop it. He can drag it out but I can force a divorce through without his agreement l.
If he drags it out then he will have to pay the fees so it's really within his interest (money wise) to just agree.

I've no idea what it will do to his immigration status. I've googled but not found anything out really.

Could you take him off the car insurance in the interim so he can't take it?

So who's he expecting to look after his children 24/7 while he swans off on his jollies? I presume he's sorted some childcare has he bollocks? I'm guessing the children are 'your job'?

Sorry for your woes, OP. I must say another woman is the first thing that jumped into my mind. I picture him planning a romantic driving tour through the French countryside, and justifying his behaviour by telling himself you've probably been up to all sorts when you tell him you're 'going to your parents to study'. You don't sound very upset at the thought of divorce, so perhaps it is the way to go after all. If he's sweated it out for 20-odd years (did I get that right?) for his indefinite leave to remain, I can't see him taking divorce proceedings very well, though, so try to protect yourself from physical, emotional and financial harm as far as possible. You know best how he's likely to react. Be safe.

Don't take him off the car insurance, IMHO that would not only be gratuitous provocation, but there is also a small risk that he might drive it anyway. It's a battle you can do without.

Finnegan that is exactly what I was thinking.

This is the point we seem to be at now.

I am going to buy a new car (new to me anyway) and he is going to buy my half of the family car off me and then he can tax/insure it and go to France that way.

This works well cos I want rid of hat car anyway. Never wanted it in the first place. Far too expensive to run.

So now I have to sort out buying a new car.
Family car is in my name so I have no worries of me shelling out for new car and then him not paying me. If he doesn't pay me then I can sell family car to recoup my costs.

You sound to have everything well worked out!

Does he suspect that you've reached the end of the road as far as your marriage is concerned? Or is he so little invested in it that he hasn't noticed?

Unfortunately, and to my shame, I have been threatening divorce for a couple of months but not done it.
He knows I went to see a lawyer earlier this year and then I didn't follow through so I think he doesn't believe I will follow through.

But I've really had enough.
He just swans in and out as it suits him. Never asks if anything is ok. Says he should t have to 'ask' to use his own car, but my point is, if you came in and said 'do you mind if I take the car tomorrow for XYZ reasons' the chances of me smiling and saying 'no problem' are dramatically higher then they are if you come in and inform me like I'm your personal assistant!

He is so rude. And dismissive constantly.

For example:
It was his birthday a few days back. Dd (4) picked a gift, entirely off her own back. She chose a cup as she knows he likes his coffee. So we went and picked it.
She gave it to him, he acted happy etc.
But... He hasn't used it. 3 mornings have gone past where he has reached past it to get a different cup. Any other cup in the cupboard.
I find it hurtful.

That's how he behaves. Constantly.

If you do something for him, he can't just say thank you. He says my you didn't have to do that' and acts almost as if you have inconvenienced him somehow.
My mum says he can't bare to feel indebted to anyone and if I do stuff for him then it's like he should be grateful but he can't cope with it

Your posts sound more positive after deciding to apply for a divorce. Do you feel less conflicted? Seeing as you do the majority of the childcare already, I'm sure you will cope without him, as a pp said - you might have a little more to do by yourself but you won't have him treating you horribly to deal with.

Please get rid asap

I feel more positive. Less in limbo then before.
I guess I have taken that step and now that I've instructed I feel like I've made the decision about something I've been deliberating over for a while.

It's such a sad situation and I'm so scared about my Dd right now. This is going to tear her world apart. She is 4 and starting school this September and he is her daddy... She adores him.

I know it's the right thing to do and maybe through her life she will see him, how he is and she will understand why I did this.

It's good to hear you sounding so much more positive, OP, though I'm afraid it sounds more and more as if he's detached completely from the family

Perhaps his attitude towards DD's gift and any help you offer is because it makes him feel uncomfortable about his own ghastly behaviour - and after all, how dare you make him feel bad??

Yes it's a shame that DD may be upset by the split, but after all there's a reason MNers usually say that better this (which she'll get over) than a lifetime spent watching such an example ...

So he's come today and asked if I've found a car yet!!! I said 'seriously? It's been 36 hours??'

Basically he wants me to buy a new car ASAP as he wants to book his ferry and he doesn't 'want me fucking up his plans by not buying a car and then expecting to keep the family car as I AM taking it to France on X date'

So I said the only way to guarantee the availability of the car for that date is to pay me half the value of family car now, so it all belongs to him. I will keep driving it between now and buying a new car with the exception of that weekend. (It's still in my name so he can't stop me whether he 'owns' it or not)

He has agreed but tried to put in a clause that if he gets less then he pays me he will ask of the difference back. To which i told him to swivel!! Of course... I am being unreasonable again!!

I think my proposal was more then reasonable actually

Skipping replies so sorry if this had been said before but alarm bells would be ringing.
I married a non UK resident/citizen and his visa depends on me, but he didn't want to rush getting it because it's common for women to be used for the visa. I visited his family first in their country, then when I came back after a year of being married (according to our religion) we got married and did the paperwork. I've done the easiest way (I have to keep renewing for 10 years then he gets permanent residency) but we did have an option to do it in 2-5, but it was more hassle and it didn't matter when he got PR.
Anyway, I struggle with his language but I have met all his family, had parties for our wedding in his home town etc, there isn't a chance he would scupper in 10 years as I would know exactly where to go and hunt him down
I would be massively worried he's off to get married back home or something, it never fails to surprise me how common this is. Half the time the family don't know the child has married, and I know people personally (whom I don't speak with) who have wives in both countries (UK wife never knows) .
If you wanna end it I would be damn temped to cancel his visa when he's gone, but obviously I am assuming he is a piece of work when I say that.

Uff give him the car and cancel the visa when he's gone, then apply for a 2 year abandonment divorce .
He won't get removed if you divorce and he is here as he has kids here, he will probably go down the asylum route or whatever ...

What's he like? Is he always like this? Have you never had contact with his family? Why have you never gone together to visit ?

Never visited because of cost and cos he doesn't want to take the kids there until they are older.
Country has a terrorist presence and he is worried to take kids over. Plus it does cost a small fortune.

I've met his sister who lives here in London. Met her several times. All his family know about me and the DC as we have conversed on Skype etc.

I spoke to solicitor yesterday to instruct them and paperwork arrived at my mums house today!! Am going there tomorrow so will read and sign and return everything!!

I have read that he is required to inform home office if we divorce but I bet he doesn't.

I reckon that would count against him when it comes time to renew in 2018?

"Unfortunately, and to my shame, I have been threatening divorce for a couple of months but not done it. He knows I went to see a lawyer earlier this year and then I didn't follow through so I think he doesn't believe I will follow through."
This could actually work to your advantage. If he doesn't believe you'll divorce him, he won't have taken any steps to make it harder for you to do so. Regardless, I'd be moving all important papers to a safe haven, such as a family member's house.

As to the car, you've mentioned it's possibly not roadworthy, he's probably not keen for a run-in with French traffic police over that, they don't mess about. As to taking a car at all rather than fly/train - is he planning to use it to swagger in front of his family, 'look at how successful I am with my big car'? Plus the pleasure of fucking you off . Or he's planning to travel around a bit whilst there?

I suspect he is planning to travel around a little while there but between European insurance (which there is a high chance he won't bother with) and the cost of ferry, fuel etc he could probably easily fly there and rent a car for 2 days.

I've no idea why he is so desperate to drive all that way. The more I think about it the more I think he's taking someone with him and seeing as he doesn't want to admit to it in guessing it's another woman.

On the one hand if that's so; I'm pissed off. But that's all. I don't feel hurt by the prospect as I don't want to sleep with him.
So on he other hand; if it's that: good. Maybe the divorce will be quick so he can move onto his next victim woman