AIBU to say no to 'holiday'

[niceguy2]

My wife & I are in quite a fortunate position insofar as I earn a good income and have a side income from a business which is doing OK. My wife gave up her job in Feb due to stress of the position. A decision I supported as I could see how unhappy she was but at the same time I warned that whilst we'd be OK financially, until she found a new job that we'd have to cut back on the luxuries.

Last month my DD managed to get into Uni and will go in Sept. Due to my income, she won't be eligible for anything except the minimum loans which won't even cover her rent. The rest we'll be expected to fund. I don't have an issue with that. It's something I realised when she was born that I'd probably have to fund one day.

This morning my wife has put pressure on me by saying she wants to go visit her family who live abroad in the summer. I explained that we'd have to see how money is nearer the time but that doesn't seem to be good enough for her. And that it's all a matter of priorities. She's right. And it's not my priority right now to fund a trip abroad for us all whilst she's not working and we are down 1/3 of our monthly income. Obviously she's not happy about that.

Given we've only just come back from a week's break when her family came to visit us that cost us a fair bit, I'm reeling a bit. I'm just worried right now how we will cope with funding DD through Uni if she is still not working.

All would be OK if she got a job but since Feb my wife has managed to apply for absolutely no jobs. Yesterday she managed to show me her CV which looks great, as it should for 2.5 months work. If she was applying for jobs then I could maybe see that in time she'd get a job and we'd be OK again.

I don't even mind what job it is or how much it pays. My income pays for our usual living expenses and my side income could fund DD through Uni if my wife works. But it can't do that AND go on holidays. Of course she doesn't see it as a holiday but frankly that's exactly what it is.

So AIBU?

It's neither Terry - 'people' are expressing opinions which differ from yours.

Are you reading this still OP? Does it please you to see your wife portrayed this way? - Penguin

As MrsTerryP rightly points out, i've been around long enough to know how threads like this can seem biased and I confess sometimes I do wonder how other relationships where people are slating me as controlling work. Genuinely curious I mean.

I don't post often now but I still drop by occasionally to read and on this occasion I did want to see what others thought as sometimes I do doubt myself!

I don't think for one minute she's sponging off me. We've always shared money since she moved in with me. Overall we're still very happy and support each other but that doesn't mean we don't occasionally fall out.

I am not sure that flows MrsTP. It is possible to have different life experiences in specific circumstances (and share them on here) and yet at the same time accept, understand and KNOW that there are structural societal differences that have to be challenged and changed. It's not an either / or argument.

On here you will find isolated pockets of vitriolic misandry and misogyny. It's the internet. That is what it is for - people to be dicks with complete anonymity. I think it is pretty good for the OP to come on and get advice from people of the opposite gender. We do think differently (partly because of those societal / structural differences) and so seems a sensible thing to do.

niceguy there is a real problem here. I have a rule in life, called the Posh Spice Rule, which states that if you have to say it, it's not true. Don't tell me you are an actual nice guy.

It's neither Terry So if you do agree that there is a big difference in women's and men's lives, in terms of jobs, earnings and value, why wouldn't the answers be different?

x-posted with unexpsoc. I agree if people were just commenting on the OP but we all know that we read between the lines and pad out the OP. I know that if someone starts a post with "ladies" I immediately hate them and assume they are a misogynist. Ditto gender non-specific OPs.

So if you do agree that there is a big difference in women's and men's lives, in terms of jobs, earnings and value, why wouldn't the answers be different?

Because the threads and answers to which I am referring are not set against the context of jobs, earning and value (and because I don't believe that everything can or should be reduced to that)

I'm glad you're happy with your agreement about the holiday OP, and your daughter is too.

It seems to me like you're doing everything you can to support your wife here. You're willing to accept a big adjustment in your lifestyle to support her not working. That IMO is more than generous. Just make sure you look out for yourself too.

And I can only assume you're too stupid to earn your own money or too embarrassed to admit you're kept. Why else would you proudly declare you don't work but holiday then not offer any further details? It's entirely irrelevant and unhelpful to the thread and to the debate to proudly offer your seemingly fortuitous position without further explanation.

The OP is happy with his earnings being spent on something which isn't being called a holiday. I wonder if his wife will get round to submitting that CV now?

OP I hope you get to 'take out' of the arrangement at some point. Too much work and not enough breaks are one of the reasons men generally die before women. Look after yourself too.

Uh huh, I can afford holidays that you can't, and I'm the stupid one. Nice metric you got there.
I will contemplate my low IQ from my sun lounger while drinking my champagne. I'm sure I'll cope somehow.

Penguin you're just being goady.

This thread went crazy when you actually think about what it was about: Wife quits job (absolutely fair enough, it was causing her stress) but still wants to maintain the same lifestyle, which is financially not viable now. Not that difficult to understand.

Actually noone said she wanted to maintain the same lifestyle, that's pure conjecture. She wants to visit her family.maybe they can't afford it but she's hardly insisting on a round the world cruise is she?
What is crazy is the asshats calling her such awful names like "fanny lodger" because she's be3n without a wage for a few weeks. Who thinks like that? And why not goad such specimens?

You don't sound like you are being very kind, nor treating your wife as an equal in a partnership. The tone of your post is condescending and you sound like you believe yourself to be superior to your wife because you currently are in employment.

Is your wife ok? She quit from stress and hasn't been applying elsewhere - is she still struggling with stress/ depression? Are you being supportive or just looking down on her for not bringing in any money right now?

Why are you making decisions about spending yourself and then informing her? You sound like you're denying a child pocket money, except this is supposed to be your partner, your equal.

Why do you see her seeing her family as a luxury and a holiday? It's her family and if she's going through a hard time I'd see that as an essential. In any case why do you get to decide with her having no say? Why is your family's needs more important than hers? Because you're bringing in money right now? Nope, not ok. You're partners, its not about who earns what.

Why don't you try firat of all talking with your wife? Not talking to, not telling, but talking with, as equals. Why don't you sit down and have a good chat through your finances spreadsheet together and her job search? Write a budget together that takes into account both of your needs, not just Mr Earner's needs.

Oops, my post shows why you should always RTFT. Sorry OP, you actually sound quite nice.

hiccup Good retraction

Just one piece of advice if you'd like it, it sounds like all your money is from a joint account with no exception. I would really suggest that you agree an amount that you send by standing order to personal accounts for each of you. Not suggesting that that would be a very large amount (particularly considering) or that this would be the only amount of money you could each spend on personal items. But I think you really do each need some autonomy and privacy in some of your spending/saving power. You wouldn't have had to think about the balance of power so much when you were both earning, but I know from my experience with my DH when we were first married and he didn't have an independent income in the UK, that the ability to make some simple spending decisions oneself can be really important to sustaining self-confidence.

I was also going to say that to your wife this isn't a holiday it is family, but I see that you have already come to a very thoughtful compromise on that.

I think this is one of the most reasonably resolved threads ever on MN. No setting boundaries, no putting your foot down, no telling her like it is (which is usually what is recommended). Just a sensible discussion with compromise. A beacon of rationality and good communication, well done OP!

I don't see how the fact that your wife has been out of work for 2 and a half months means that she doesn't have a right to access shared savings because they're to be spent on your child. Surely if she'd been earning a good wage and so had you there are savings in the pot to which she has made a (presumably substantial) contribution? Why do you get the final say on how these are applied just because she's out of work at the moment? Why should her savings be spent on your child and not on seeing her family? I don't understand the logic behind this at all. You've had your child for 18 years, the fact that she needs to be funded through uni shouldn't be a surprise, and you should have had the discussion about how that funding will work with regard to the shared finances a long time ago. But in general, no it's not fair to assume that your wife should lose rights to savings she has helped build up because of a brief spell out of work. Unless you have no savings at all and will be funding your DD out of your monthly income (jn which case wtf have you been doing with all your money) yabu.

Read the thread..... She's just spent time with her family recently

Her argument is that it's not really a holiday and that it's to see her family. I can happily skip it since I can't speak the language anyway so I just end up following around. My daughter has already said she doesn't want to go as her priority is to work every hour she can to save money for Uni and my son is going on holiday with his mum.

Your son will be going to see his family with his mum you mean.

I don't think you are being unreasonable about the cost, but I think you have a bad attitude to the fact that she has not applied for another job given she quit her last one for stress. She might well NEED some time out of work to recover. Treat it as an illness rather than as if she is being lazy.

Epona- I don't think OP's wife is the mother of his children.

Sounds like there are more issues than this. She's BU.

We visit my husband's family in Italy frequently. It is not in any way a holiday - quite the opposite. Is your wife's son your son too or from a previous relationship? How old is the son - does he need to visit his mother's family to help preserve his other language? I'll be taking my son to Italy in summer. It will be anything but a holiday for me but is essential for my son to use his other language and to maintain ties with his overseas family.

The OP has already explained - My daughter has already said she doesn't want to go as her priority is to work every hour she can to save money for Uni and my son is going on holiday with his mum.

Ok - so their son is going to visit his maternal family and presumably spend time with them speaking their language. Depending on his age, pretty educational in terms of language development. Not quite the same as jetting off to Tenerife to sit on a beach then.