AIBU to say no to 'holiday'

[niceguy2]

My wife & I are in quite a fortunate position insofar as I earn a good income and have a side income from a business which is doing OK. My wife gave up her job in Feb due to stress of the position. A decision I supported as I could see how unhappy she was but at the same time I warned that whilst we'd be OK financially, until she found a new job that we'd have to cut back on the luxuries.

Last month my DD managed to get into Uni and will go in Sept. Due to my income, she won't be eligible for anything except the minimum loans which won't even cover her rent. The rest we'll be expected to fund. I don't have an issue with that. It's something I realised when she was born that I'd probably have to fund one day.

This morning my wife has put pressure on me by saying she wants to go visit her family who live abroad in the summer. I explained that we'd have to see how money is nearer the time but that doesn't seem to be good enough for her. And that it's all a matter of priorities. She's right. And it's not my priority right now to fund a trip abroad for us all whilst she's not working and we are down 1/3 of our monthly income. Obviously she's not happy about that.

Given we've only just come back from a week's break when her family came to visit us that cost us a fair bit, I'm reeling a bit. I'm just worried right now how we will cope with funding DD through Uni if she is still not working.

All would be OK if she got a job but since Feb my wife has managed to apply for absolutely no jobs. Yesterday she managed to show me her CV which looks great, as it should for 2.5 months work. If she was applying for jobs then I could maybe see that in time she'd get a job and we'd be OK again.

I don't even mind what job it is or how much it pays. My income pays for our usual living expenses and my side income could fund DD through Uni if my wife works. But it can't do that AND go on holidays. Of course she doesn't see it as a holiday but frankly that's exactly what it is.

So AIBU?

What about your wife applying for temp work initially? Then she is not tied to one work place, then she has a choice to move on to something else if it becomes stressful etc but you still would have money coming in. Or she could try something self employed where she could work from home.

I've been through the leaving work due to stress but both DH and I agreed that we could not manage anything more than basics on his wage. My solution was self employment and although I don't earn at the moment quite what I did employed it is growing.

She does need to be realistic that if she wishes to take out financially she also has to put in, and you are not duty bound to keep her. Any adult really should expect to have to contribute to their own keep and luxuries during their lifespan.

Can she not fly over to see her family alone and then stay with her relatives to save on costs? I completely understand not being able to afford a family holiday - if you can't afford it, you can't afford it. A holiday abroad for three adults is bloody expensive!

I don't think YABU at all. If she wants the luxuries of holidays abroad, she needs to get a new job and fund that. She's very lucky you have enough income for her not to work at all. Is she planning on going back to work at all? She's been out of work since February - is this a permanent thing?

You need to talk to her like you are explaining to us.

Whilst we can't hear her side of the story, she sounds like she wants her cake and eat it too. I think it is unfair other to expect you to shoulder this burden. I would love my husband to manage all the finances.

Show her this thread.

X-post re. finances. Sounds like even cheap flights are out of your price-range right now.

Does she really understand how tight money is since she gave up work?

And can you imagine the outcry if he came on here and said he was prioritising a holiday with his wife rather than pay for his DDs education? There would be an uproar!

And who suggested he should do that? Did you miss the point that they need to DISCUSS priorities TOGETHER?

What's his wife contributing to all of this? Sound like she expects to be funded like the DD going to university

She has just given up work due to stress. So she has previously been working and contributing. Do we suddenly get no say in money or not allowed to spend any if we stop working?

I think you need to stop being vague. Talking about seeing nearer the time, if you can afford it seems too passive to me, for something that is important, at least to your wife.

So what I'd suggest, is working out how much the trip would cost and making savings each week so you save that sum of money. It does not matter so much if you've saved all the money by the time of the trip, if you are sure the savings are sustainable.

It is often very possible to save thousands on groceries over a year by just cutting weekly costs by £20 or £30. So meal plan a bit, shop at discount stores, freeze left overs for another meal instead of having a large portion and seconds, make a shared bottle of wine last over 2 evenings and there's the money for your trip.

Well, as someone with a good grip on my finances, a stepson who my money partly supports (his mother barely sees him and certainly doesn't contribute to his cost), good incomes etc I am pretty stunned that this situation has arisen and needs to be a choice.

Dss is 15, we (half each) put £100pm aside for his later education costs, so by the time he is 18 there will be c£8k. I know this isn't loads but it does mean that his going to uni won't affect our day to day spending at that point. And he can still have the £100pm.

We also put £150pm from our joint account towards holidays. And I put £200pm in my own account towards any holidays I might want without dp and dss. Consequently holidays are already saved and budgeted for.

If one of us wasn't earning (actually I am not currently but I still pay exactly the same into the joint account) we'd review the budget and maybe reduce the holiday savings (though we would reduce long term savings first I think) but this year it's already saved for and budgeted. So we'd still have a holiday though we would be a bit more careful over how much it cost and what we spent when there.

In the OP's situation I'd suggest the wife goes on her own. But now, so she can look for a job when she gets back.

Dont get me wrong, I dont think you sound like the most unreasonable person in the world or anything, but I imagine just seeing her parents last week, is probably the time when shes most desperate to arrange when she can next see them again.

DO they live massively far away? Somewhere where she cant get an off peak budget flight to? I mean a £20 off peak flight to the italy or france is a bit different to needing to get to Bali or something.

Has she moved away from her homeland to be with you, or have her family moved away? Thats also another thing to consider.

I think luxury holidays being out of the question is one thing, but allowing your wife to visit her family is another thing entirely, especially if you CAN actually afford it

Is she eligible for Jobseekers Allowance? Maybe that would make a difference wrt affording holidays.

And it sounds like its not your wife and you who are in the fortunate position. Its you who is, because you control the purse strings and get to decide if she can see her family or not.

Is it a moral reason youre asking her to work if you already bring in good money.
Do you have children together?

Are we talking about Asia here?

I think luxury holidays being out of the question is one thing, but allowing your wife to visit her family is another thing entirely, especially if you CAN actually afford it

I think this is a little unfair. He's not saying that she isn't allowed to go, he's saying that they can't afford for them all to go! He did say that her going on her own would only cost a few hundred and my read of it is that this is the only sensible solution.

The bigger issue OP is that your wife seems to want to bury her head in the sand as to the financial consequences of her giving up work. I'm not the happiest in my job and we have two young children. We have discussed me giving up work but are both VERY clear about the consequences of me doing so. It wouldn't put us on the breadline (DH is the main earner) but it would significantly change our lives.

I don't think you can get jsa if you voluntarily leave your job.
Op, yanbu.
I think your wife has her head in the sand regarding the family finances.
That said, it may well be that following her recent ordeal she really does need some extra time out.
Why don't you have a "let's sit down and see if we can afford for you to go away this summer" type conversation, go through the numbers with her and see if she understands the situation better.

Please realise op that you will get a lot of replies making you out to be the bad guy. It's the way of mumsnet. If you'd posted as a female having this issue with a husband it would be a unanimous yanbu and several people telling you he was a cocklodger and that you should leave him.

If you can afford for her to go alone then suggest that. A set amount of money can only be split so many ways.

YANBU!

A lot of comments on this thread are out of order. Just because one partner MANAGES the finances doesn't mean they CONTROL them.

Since OP manages the finances and his wife doesn't take an interest then he knows what they can and can't afford. A person is not controlling or being unreasonable if they say 'no we can't afford for you to go on holiday at the moment as were x amount worse off a month'.

Just because the wife is stressed and possibly depressed doesn't mean she needs to swan off to see family (who have just visited) and carry on spending as she usually would. She needs to see a GP and deal with her issues.

I thought that if you leave a particular type of job (or a job which is stressful due to the worker environment) then those might be considered mitigating factors for JSA application. Otherwise a lot of people will be trapped in awful jobs that they can't afford to leave because they'd be financially penalised. I may be being dreadfully naive here but I'm hoping that's not the case. Is it?

op I think your wife sounds like she may be depressed, given the lack of job applications. Does she have RL support other than you and your daughter, or is she relatively isolated (i.e. doesn't share much with others)? I ask because my mother acted a lot like this when she wasn't earning and she was really hard work to live with; she was definitely depressed, but sympathy from other family members swiftly wanes when you're the sole sources of support for someone who's struggling and (seemingly) won't do logical sensible things to help themselves to a better place. What I'm saying is that you sound frustrated, and while that is understandable, it doesn't help any of you.

I know it's emotionally hard work, but try to be kind to your wife and not let her lack of job applications frustrate you. She needs kindness and support right now, however annoyed you might feel. The kindness and support will help her to feel more confident and that'll help her to help herself.

I'm not sure how closely the OP has looked at the finances.

The thing is, speaking from personal experiences, I have found my DH would think we couldn't afford things and start to run up an overdraft. However, it wasn't until we discussed things properly that it was established there were serious savings we could make. There is a huge temptation to think the dribs and drabs in savings won't make a difference but they really do mount up. If you and your wife get on board with this and proactively plan instead of saying you'll see how finances are nearer the time then there is a much greater chance of being able to afford this.

Do you really want to go Op? I ask because you do not mention why there are no savings, budgeting to be done elsewhere. This is something your wife can contribute - there is work involved in finding the best deals etc but it is worth it. It'll mean the finances are in better order to support your daughter to.

AndTake

She gave up her job several months ago. If work as a concept is too stressful then she needs to manage her lifestyle accordingly. If it was that particular job that was the issue then she needs to move on and attempt to find another one.

If there had been a long time since the wife had seen her family I could understand this would not be doing anything for her mental health but she only saw them recently.

If I wasn't earning any money I wouldn't expect my husband to fund my holiday - this is not a SAHM dividing up of tasks, neither is it an 'emergency' which requires the travel/visit.

I didn't have a holiday from age 12 to age 21 because there was not enough money to have one - you soon learn that you need to earn to justify a holiday.

February. It's not even mid may, so thats hardly a long time ago

Nice to know women thing other women give up all claim on family money the minute they stop working for any reason. What if she had a physical illness instead of a stress issue? Would she be allowed to ask to visit her family then?

None of it matters anyway, no-one here should have any say on the finances of this couple, why the fuck don't they just talk about it and work out their cash like normal grown ups?

I didn't have a holiday from age 12 to age 21 because there was not enough money to have one - you soon learn that you need to earn to justify a holiday

I don't earn at the moment, I have holidays. So bollocks to that!

If I wasn't earning any money I wouldn't expect my husband to fund my holiday - this is not a SAHM dividing up of tasks, neither is it an 'emergency' which requires the travel/visit.

This is rubbish. I am a SAHM and we don't think of holidays being 'my holidays' or my husband's. They are joint decisions. A SAHP can contribute just as much to a household. Added to this OP's wife has been suffering from stress - are we not supposed to look after our spouse in this case scenario not argue over their contribution'?

The OP has said his concern is financial. If it truly is, the solution is to get his wife on board with some serious budgeting and not start devaluing what she can contribute.

YANBU.

Unfortunately, some partners do not want to take responsibility for income and outgoing. I have had it myself. In my case it was "but my dad always took care of finances, so that is a man's job".

Then, when one of you stops working or goes part time, it becomes "the man" (in my case) who has responsibility for working out if it can be afforded, and then becomes the controlling one, the bad guy etc. when it can't be afforded.

Obviously this does happen in either direction and in every form of relationship too before I am accused of being sexist. Just talking of my own experience.

I feel for you if your wife is putting pressure on you for the holiday. Good luck with it mate. I think somebody else suggested - why not ask your partner to manage the finances. Then if she can find a way to fund a holiday, she can take one. Try giving her control. Not sure if it will work. (I tried it, and then had to take back over when bills stopped being paid etc.)

Genuinely feel for you mate.

YANBU you can't expect to have the same lifestyle when there's been a big drop in income.I think your wife has to think of this.

I don't think you're punishing her but I do think she is maybe feeling a little depressed and wants a holiday to cheer her up.
I would say finances are tight but you're happy for her to go on her own and have a nice holiday with her family.
You're right that you can't live the same with 1/3 less income.
You do need to look at what you can cut down on too

And who suggested he should do that? Did you miss the point that they need to DISCUSS priorities TOGETHER?

I didnt say anyone had suggested that but it was in reply to the comment but if you are spending joint finances on your child you need to discuss it between you, not tell her that you are spending it and she gets no say - what makes people ASSUME he HASNT DISCUSSED IT his wife with regards her step-daughters education?