to not want my ex's girlfriend treated like my daughter's mother

[frecklesagogo]

It was a bad split, i left him. He has 50/50 custody, but mostly leaves my DD (5) with his girlfriend. Its galling, I wish to have more time with DD, and her precious childhood is spent sometimes with neither parent, but a stranger.

Ex keeps telling DD "one day, when we get married she will be your mum". And now, his girlfriend thinks she is DD's mum: she has asked to join the school mums WhatsAp Group and come to social events with the mums.

I raised it with the PTA and said I wasn't comfortable but was told "if it was me, I'd suck it up". I'm left with no choice, so while I'm trying to make new friends with the school mums, I'm effectively competing against my ex's girlfriend.

AIBU? PTA made me feel like a petty child but I just can't accept it. I don't want to go to the pub with a load of mums, and her, and indulge in this charade. I don't want her on the whatsap group sending messages about my daughter - that's my job. My boyfriend has two kids and I respectfully stay away from their mums territory, so i don't feel her approach is right. My boyfriend says its just a phase and as soon as she has her own baby she'll back off - I hope he's right.

Just saying.. I find it funny how OPs main concern is about the GF and not the abusive ex???

How did the 50/50 come about? Who is actually classed as primary carer ie which address is used as the home address for your dd. What is the actual breakdown of the 50/50 do you split the week ie Sun- Wed with one parent then switch or do you do week by week.

It happens a lot lou

What it often boils down to is the court making the assumption that the ex is just a bitter contact blocker,it's a widely held viewpoint that many people have and many people promote without thought.

Or another widely held view that when it comes to contact and residency is that violent abuse should be kept separate from child related things because apparently doing that does not prevent someone being a good parent

This sounds awful.

It is unfair on you and your daughter. What if the relationship ends, and the new gf disappears in a puff of smoke (or is threatened and stalked by your ex)? What about your daughter and the screwed up promise of 'getting a new mum'?

This is a principle issue, and if you budge on that, it will create a slippery slope where they will try to gradually becoming more controlling.

I think it is crucial to establish boundaries - in the most benign scenario, you have different ideas on what is best for your daughter. At worst, it is a calculated effort to alienate you from your daughter and erode your parental rights.

The problem is how you should go about establishing new boundaries.

A friend of mine deals with her awful ex mainly in a mediated process, where there is a trained neutral third party in the room. This person guides the conversation, cautions any party when it gets vicious (and might even stop the conversation if it is at a dead end), and records any decisions made.

It's a fairly new thing in South Africa (where we are) so not widely used. It is very effective, and one mediator is more likely to seek harmony and agreement than two lawyers who get paid to fight it out. I'm not sure if that option is available in the UK. Of course, both parties need to agree to the process, but since it is a lot cheaper than going the legal route it is quite attractive. But both parties need to be committed to the process.

Sometimes women who have been abused for years only leave when they get cheated on.

It's not really fair to expect purely rational behaviour from someone in an abusive situation.

Mediation with a violent abuser with a history of highly controlling behaviour including stalking is a very bad idea.

Loublue: I posted about him a few times before, I'm just trying to separate out the issues and deal with them one at a time.

"Sometimes women who have been abused for years only leave when they get cheated on"

The mother of my abusive ex used to say of his dad "I could take the beatings but I couldn't take the cheating", she said it several times to me right in from of her son, the one abusing me. Thanks for that, giving him permission!

Oh God, Ludways, that is horrible :(

If you are trying to separate out the issues and remove the fact there are underlying issues with your ex, then I would say you are co-parenting and you need to understand that his new partner will be involved.

I assume your ex works and as such she will be involved in school runs and lets face it if your ex as you said cannot write i imagine she will also help out with homework when your DD is with your ex.
As long as your DD is happy, healthy, being well cared for I would back off a little.
At least you know when she (the gf) is there your DD has someone around that she can talk to and that can help her with homework and if anything be rational when your irrational sounding ex can't be.

I would want this woman around and not alone with an abuser!

I think the WhatsApp might feel like an intrusion I can see how this is upsetting must feel like you can get no peace from him

excuse the typo at the end. I meant to say; I would want this woman around and for my DD not to be alone with an abuser!

I think all of the things happening are a way of control and abuse.

He can't touch you physically now, so the way to destroy you is by words and actions.

Making you stressed, sick and fearful is retaining control of you.

Don't let it make you be a nervous mum, questioning your own abilities. Children can sense it. My DS certainly did.

The only way I can control the control (so to speak) is to close the window on my world and stop reacting to my ex. When I respond he knows I'm pulled in and I give him the power.

Try and develop a "so fucking what" attitude.

So she joins the PTA - so fucking what? You are there to do best for your child, she is there because she's being controlled. Hold your head up, if they ask who is xxx's mum, she's going to feel pretty stupid answering yes isn't she? Especially if you introduce her as your Dds fathers girlfriend first.

If it lasts then maybe she genuinely cares, if it isn't genuine she'll trail off eventually and you'll be there all the way.

Act friendly towards her in public, it really throws abusive people off key.

Like when I ran into my ex with his new gf. He's obviously laid on the "ex wife's a bitch" story. Ran into them with friends and I was positively charming. Then when I said "aren't you going to introduce me" she did two very big steps back and a sharp intake of breath. Hopefully if she's got a clue she'll realise that there are two sides of the story. If not...

So fucking what!!! I'm free of him. And you need to get him out of your headspace to be free too!

Well said wallybantersjunkbox !

I would be bringing this back to court. I would be hopping if exh was awarded 50% residence and left my dc with his partner all the time. I think he would be hopping if I did it too. It's not on and not in the best interests of the child.

In all likelyhood she's not there because she's overstepping nor is she doing it because she has a need to insert herself in your childs life.

She's probally been pressured in some way to do so.

Violent partner abusers rarely only abuse one partner the risk to a child from them is often hugely increased when they are in another relationship as opposed to when they remain single

Oh and the DOE definition of who should be treated as if they are a parent is any person with whom the child often stays overnight.
Schools stopped giving a fuck about PR years ago

Fuck that,sorry but I would tell her to butt right out! Fair enough treat your daughter right but taking over your life as well I don't think so! You need to tell her.

Yes, it's really great when two people split and instead of making sure that their children are their Nr. 1 priority, they only care about their own ego and place territorial flags on their children.
If she's your ex's partner, isn't it great that she has a good relationship with your DD? That your DD feels secure knowing she's loved? Or do you prefer that she's exposed to people who are using her as a tool to continue their fights even after they had split?

Have a look at this:

www.naht.org.uk

Search for Parental Conflict leaflet PP01

I would be arguing under the data protection act that information is not to be shared with the GF (have a look at the paragraph on the law on pupil information). They could argue she has care of the child but you could argue there is no legal standing in their relationship given that they are not married and contact is not formally agreed with her (which in the case of grandparents you could argue).

I would absolutely put a stop to this. It is massively over stepping the mark and imho an attempt to undermine you as a mother by you ex. He is playing games with you, she maybe is being pushed into it by him. Either way I would not be happy.

I am a step parent and I would never in a million years do this.

Saying as long as the child is happy is nice but in order to have long term happiness there needs to be clearly defined and respected boundaries.

I would write a formal letter to the school and ask for an appointment with the headmaster to discuss the situation.

Alarm bells ringing. Get a social worker involved now making sure they have all the facts. Stop trying to be 'reasonable' and keep everyone happy. You'll end up as a doormat. Go back to court to get more contact time or as previously said MOVE AWAY.

The "she'll be your mum" comment is terrible. However, there's a big difference between the GF wanting to socialise with the school mums and her interfering with your DD's education. If she is doing school gate duty and lots of childcare then it's perfectly naturally and not over-stepping the mark that she might want to make friends with other mothers. It would be quite isolating for her otherwise. I think that if she actually tries to interfere with the education that's one thing. But the WhatsApp group is not the right battle to pick (particularly since a lot of that stuff will be organising playdates and stuff for the kids -- her not being in it might mean your DD is left out).

She isn't her mum and doesn't need to be involved with the school.

That should involve everything to do with school then, including school runs.

She shouldn't be organising play dates and activities though! How is she in a position to judge what is appropriate and what isn't in terms of how the child's mother or father wants to parent their child! If the dad wants to do it then fine but only you and he are the parents. She should not be making decisions on behalf of your child!

Feeling left out is because she is left out! Sorry but as a step mum my role extends to taxi driver/cook/fun police when needed and friend when they want to talk. Going beyond that is not appropriate and I've been a SM for 11 years!! I would not presume to make decisions on my DSDs school life, that includes the social side.

Nip it in the bud now or it will get worse. Saying that the GF is going to be her mum is disturbing and emotionally abusive. It undermines the relationship she already has and will potentially make her feel conflicted and upset.