to not want my ex's girlfriend treated like my daughter's mother

[frecklesagogo]

It was a bad split, i left him. He has 50/50 custody, but mostly leaves my DD (5) with his girlfriend. Its galling, I wish to have more time with DD, and her precious childhood is spent sometimes with neither parent, but a stranger.

Ex keeps telling DD "one day, when we get married she will be your mum". And now, his girlfriend thinks she is DD's mum: she has asked to join the school mums WhatsAp Group and come to social events with the mums.

I raised it with the PTA and said I wasn't comfortable but was told "if it was me, I'd suck it up". I'm left with no choice, so while I'm trying to make new friends with the school mums, I'm effectively competing against my ex's girlfriend.

AIBU? PTA made me feel like a petty child but I just can't accept it. I don't want to go to the pub with a load of mums, and her, and indulge in this charade. I don't want her on the whatsap group sending messages about my daughter - that's my job. My boyfriend has two kids and I respectfully stay away from their mums territory, so i don't feel her approach is right. My boyfriend says its just a phase and as soon as she has her own baby she'll back off - I hope he's right.

[shoeaddict83]

Im coming from the other side of this- My fiancee has 2 kids with his ex and i am very involved in their life when they are with us - they are both very fond of me and we get along brilliantly, i happily take them shopping and on days out, the eldest texts me when shes not with me and accept that im marrying their dad...HOWEVER i dont ever refer to myself as their mum because im not, I have never once said i am , and actually we both actively highlight that their mum is and always will be their mum, and im daddys fiancee. In fact i dont believe we've ever even uttered the words step mum either.
I have picked them up from school before and taken them to clubs etc, when they are with us, but have never taken any part in their school life and never would as i am not the parent! If i was invited to a sports day or play of course id go to support them but would never presume its a right and certainly would not put myself on the PTA when they are not my children!
As others have said - its good she obviously dotes on your daughter and this is far better then a new partner who seems them as an inconvenience, but there is a line and i think shes crossed it. I would totally understand my fiancees ex-wife being very unhappy if i was behaving that way so i can see your side OP.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

I think yanbu - I'd be pissed off. I'd have made sure he didn't have 50-50 in order to use his new gf as a babysitter, rather than the dc being with me, their mother.

She's not your dc's mum, and she never will be. If they marry, she will be his step-mum. I've not been through this, but I did have a step-mum from the age of 9 - and she was good to me, but I'd have felt awful if she'd started this sort of malarkey with my school.

[NickiFury]

The reality is that you are all her parents - even her soon to be step-mum.

No she isn't.

Its is what it is

No it isn't. It's just your opinion, not a fact.

I wouldn't like this at all OP and I am lucky that my ex wouldn't allow it either.

[WellErrr]

Nah she needs to back the fuck off.

She isn't her mum and doesn't need to be involved with the school.

It's great they get on and she's willing to look after her but that's s far as it goes

Totally agree!

[frecklesagogo]

When I say bad split I mean he was violent and controlling, I left, he stalked me for a while, I took him to court to get an order he couldn't bend, he sent me abusive emails for around a year, got warned off by the police, retaliated and reported me to social services, they dropped it, we don't talk now. He can't write me an email without it dripping in malice and spite, calling me names or making threats. So I only communicate with his girlfriend, she's his puppet and writes what he tells her but unlike him; she can spell and tries to maintain a business-like tone.

Part of all this is that I suspect my ex is making her join the friend group to gather info and isolate me. I can't tell if its paranoia or PTSD but every week they do something new to get at me (e.g. "if you don't do this, by this date, we won't let you facetime DD anymore") and when their emails come in my heart races, I can't breathe, can't stand, vision goes blurry. Doctor says "labeling it won't help, do some CBT", but CBT only works when you deal with reasonable people. When you're dealing with a psychopath all your fears are well founded.

[Waltermittythesequel]

I can understand why it grates.

But, practically, will she be the one doing school pick ups/ play days etc if she spends the most time with your dd?

Logically it might make sense.

[DoinItFine]

How did a brute like him get 50-50?

He sounds more like contact centre material.

[Micah]

Point out to the school that she does not have parental responsibility, so should not be involved or contacted directly about your dd's schooling.

If the whatsapp/facebook group is an adult social group, i dont think you can do much. However if it involves discussions about school events, shares pictures or childrens details, you could bring it up as a safeguarding issue. If "daddy's girlfriend" with no pr is allowed to join, then what's stopping mummys boyfriend, granny, grannys friend, uncle jim, and bob from down the road joining.

[NickiFury]

Look YA most definitely NOT being unreasonable, even without your most recent post. I don't know what to suggest though as what I would do doesn't toe the MN party line and would involve huge confrontation and I know that's not for everyone.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

Bloody hell, freckles That sounds like hell.

Can you move away? Like far away.

[Micah]

Sorry x-posted.

I'd be keeping the gf well on side. It sounds like you might need each other if your ex is as bad as you say.

[Waltermittythesequel]

So I only communicate with his girlfriend

See, you either want boundaries or you don't.

I remember sd's mum wouldn't speak to my dh for a while. There was no big falling out, she just decided she wasn't.

So all communication came through me, whether I wanted it to or not.

Fine. I didn't mind.

Then, when sd went home from a visit, her mum flipped and left abusive voicemails and messages on my phone because I had gone shopping and to the cinema with sd.

She'd asked me could we have a 'girls day'. And her mum was pissed off that I had crossed a line, told me I was too involved with sd.

My point is there were mixed messages and I genuinely didn't know what I was supposed to do.

[UnderTheGreenwoodTree]

Micah's advice is spot on too, OP.

It's sounds upsettingly horrific, and like you have been totally ground down by him

[ButtonsAndBows]

I can understand why it annoys you, but you have 50/50 custody.
I have my children from my first marriage with ex seeing them every other weekend and I do everything. I feel I'm a single parent (in the sense that I do all the parents evenings, school decisions etc.) and in some ways I prefer that but sometimes I think he should take an equal role in these things (beyond the physical "who's got the kids"). So, obviously if a custody is 50/50, it's somewhat normal for the "mum/step mum" to take on those sort of roles, especially if he's working. If my current husband had shared custody of children, I would definatly be the person doing the main care during "our" time. It's just the dynamics , I wouldn't be out to prove anything.
I cannot understand how he has 50% custody in this situation though, especially given th history you've just told us.
Honestly I would be annoyed in your situation because it's human nature but sometimes life is like that and you have to see the positives. At least she cares and maybe is trying to take her role seriously , rather than getting your back up. I do feel for you though

[xinchao]

There is a huge difference between a stepparent taking on some childcare responsibilities and this case, where the ExP's GF want to join a Whatsapp group and social events.

Is the 50/50 custody an agreement that was reached in Court? Is it possible to revisit that arrangement (especially given the violent history).

This all seems to boil down to control - he is trying to exert control over you (the blackmail over FaceTime, the 'new Mum' comment, the report to Social Services). You need to rest back some of that control - either through taking steps (although not sure what exactly) or making a decision that you will ignore and focus on your daughter. The upside to the girlfriend is that you don't have to communicate directly with your ExP...

Sorry OP, this sounds like a nightmare and I would be absolutely livid.

[Legendofthephoenix]

If I was you I would do the CBT course and a assertiveness training course. You need to build yourself up and get strong. I think you will have a lot more of this to come ring you doctor or pay for it. The more coping skills you learn the stronger you will be for your daughter. The girlfriend does not have parental rights to your daughter unless she was to marry your ex. If he is this controlling now how long can you realistically see the relationship lasting.

[mamas12]

Omg I can totally sympathise
Ok right you definitely need to explain to the school and the PTA in an email if necessary that she does not have pr and you cannot have her at these events u der that banner.
Explain the the chair the whole situation and get her onside, presenting it as better for your child as your ex is trying to co fuse the poor child and isolate you
Lay it all on the line to her, you might not like to expose your life i. Public so much but I really wish that I had just done that in the first place
Go and see the PTA chair and say everything g you w said here, I. Fact watch her read what you've written down and ask for her backing for your dc

[Legendofthephoenix]

Even if they were to marry she still doesn't have parental rights over your child.

[LouBlue1507]

So the ex was abusive, violent, harassed and stalked you but managed to get 50/50 custody?

[MagicMojito]

Ya so nbu

She (and he) are way out of line here. I do think the 50/50 split is the fairest way to do it, sorry! However all this bollocks about her being another mother when they are married is massively unreasonable and totally insensitive IMO.

She is not a parent therefore should not be on the pta stating the bleeding obvious but hey ho!

I think as pp have already said a step parent should be a supportive and positive role in a child's life but the actual parenting should be left to the parents so long as they are both capable and willing .

I'd be furious in your situation.

[DoinItFine]

Legend is right. You need to get strong so you can deal with this continued abuse.

Maybe the Freedom Programme would be appropriate?

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

Ok.... So how did he get 50/50 if he's as bad as you say??

[Ludwaysl]

I agree she shouldn't be involved but not exactly sure what you can do about it. You can't tell her what she's allowed to do -'and you can't control the other mums. It's a difficult one.

I'm a step mum and I adore my dsd, I think she feels the same about me, but I'd never interfere like that. Sometimes that requires a severe biting of my tongue though, lol