to not want my ex's girlfriend treated like my daughter's mother

[frecklesagogo]

It was a bad split, i left him. He has 50/50 custody, but mostly leaves my DD (5) with his girlfriend. Its galling, I wish to have more time with DD, and her precious childhood is spent sometimes with neither parent, but a stranger.

Ex keeps telling DD "one day, when we get married she will be your mum". And now, his girlfriend thinks she is DD's mum: she has asked to join the school mums WhatsAp Group and come to social events with the mums.

I raised it with the PTA and said I wasn't comfortable but was told "if it was me, I'd suck it up". I'm left with no choice, so while I'm trying to make new friends with the school mums, I'm effectively competing against my ex's girlfriend.

AIBU? PTA made me feel like a petty child but I just can't accept it. I don't want to go to the pub with a load of mums, and her, and indulge in this charade. I don't want her on the whatsap group sending messages about my daughter - that's my job. My boyfriend has two kids and I respectfully stay away from their mums territory, so i don't feel her approach is right. My boyfriend says its just a phase and as soon as she has her own baby she'll back off - I hope he's right.

[ElsieMc]

No op, you are absolutely right. She is crossing a line and that is absolutely not good step parenting. It is competition. Whilst it is nice she gets on with YOUR daughter, her behaviour makes me uneasy. She seems to have no barriers and is insensitive to your feelings. And despite what other posters have said about it not being about you, yes it is. This is for the simple reason that your unhappiness and stress will be picked up by daughter.

I am a grandparent carer and gs's dad wanted his girlfriend to collect him from school, parade him past his other siblings who were very young, did not understand and became upset. Gs's loyalties were torn. The Judge had this to say. Tired and grumpy kids on a Friday afternoon do not want to be put in this position. The stress of the primary carer will pass to the children and this is never in their best interests. Not my word's but the Courts.

It is ridiculous that the PTA have taken this stance because they have absolutely no right to share information with her. They have no right to judge you and it is not in their authority to make this decision. It is between you and her dad, you cannot have parental responsibility by proxy for god's sake. The school need telling and telling now. You do not need to meekly ask permission.

GS's dad went on to marry this woman. Her interest in my lovely GS soon waned and he was a nuisance to her and she barely spoke to him. With sad inevitability they divorced because he is violent and will never change.

To balance this, my friend's ex-h, who was a nightmare, remarried to a lovely woman who he really didnt deserve. She acted maturely and her presence made matters so much easier for all involved. Her son grew to love her.

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

Op is it the pta whatssap group? Or the 'school mums' group?

[Whocansay]

I'd play him at his own game and suggest that when you get married she'll also have another daddy. I bet your ex won't like that at all.

[Antanddec123]

Whocansay, that's a very tempting thing to do but I think it would be best not to stoop to his level.
I think the poster who advised to see the headmaster formally is a good idea. I also think the other mums in that group will think her behaviour is weird and will be bemused at her pushiness +carrying-on.

[Helmetbymidnight]

Appalling.

I can't understand why so many posters think its appropriate for women who are not a child's mother to call themselves 'mother'.

Just think about it for a bit, no?

[amarmai]

this is very hard for any woman who gave birth to see her dcc having to accept a stranger in place of their mother because of a break up.You and your dd have no choice but to accept it and it will be better for your dd if you can force yourself to work with this woman. She will probably know that you are pretending ,but it will go better if you can .

[coconutpie]

WTAF. Can't believe some people are suggesting OP just sucks it up. This is about ex and his gf being controlling - no way should she be involved in the WhatsApp group, etc and have dealings with the school - that is the parents' job.

Can you get a review on this in court? Considering he is still emotionally abusing you with threats etc, saying she'll have a new mum and how his gf is the one who sees her, etc - it's just madness that it is 50/50 - how did that happen?

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

FWIW OP sounds very vulnerable, and in many ways is still being bullied and abused by her Ex- so some of the suggestions are not viable for someone still very emotionally battered and bruised.

wallybantersjunkbox speaks sense

and given his abusive and violent track record, I'll bet you he is starting to groom her for the same shit - watch and wait

[wheresthebeach]

You're right that this is out of order. I'm a step mum and we had the kids every weekend. I wouldn't have dreamt of doing what she is doing.

But there isn't much you can do about it. He's clearly trying to get to you and make you uncomfortable and feel like you're going to be replaced by his latest squeeze.

So...you can't reason with either of them so don't even try. Practice a fake smile, slightly pitying head tilt. They want a fight, they want you to react and look unreasonable. So don't. Be confident in your relationship with your DD and leave them to twist in the wind with their games.

In your shoes I'd probably put up pictures of when I was pregnant with your DD - only you in photo natch. Chat about how she was when she was tiny. Just reinforce that YOU are her Mum, nobody else, but in a fond, memory kinda way.

Remember - they want you upset and off balance. Best to show them that they just don't matter to you. It must be super hard.

[Whocansay]

Antanddec123 I wouldn't suggest actually doing that, but I would let the ex think that you would. It may make the ex realise how ridiculous the whole thing is and may make him back off.

Being the bigger person doesn't always work. Personally, I would HATE this. I am the mother to my children and no-one else should have that title. I wouldn't want to just 'suck it up' as suggested either.

[ManonLescaut]

He's not just using your DD to continue to abuse you, he's abusing your daughter too. Telling her this woman will be her mum, she never will. She may become her SM but that's not the same thing at all. DD may start to fear she'll lose you as her mum. She's only 5.

Palming DD off on this woman who may or may not stay in his life - I'm willing to bet if they split DD will never see her again. Threatening to withdraw FT if you don't comply with his wishes - what if DD hears that? It's not ok.

You should never feel you should suck up abusive treatment by an arsehole.