to not want my ex's girlfriend treated like my daughter's mother

[frecklesagogo]

It was a bad split, i left him. He has 50/50 custody, but mostly leaves my DD (5) with his girlfriend. Its galling, I wish to have more time with DD, and her precious childhood is spent sometimes with neither parent, but a stranger.

Ex keeps telling DD "one day, when we get married she will be your mum". And now, his girlfriend thinks she is DD's mum: she has asked to join the school mums WhatsAp Group and come to social events with the mums.

I raised it with the PTA and said I wasn't comfortable but was told "if it was me, I'd suck it up". I'm left with no choice, so while I'm trying to make new friends with the school mums, I'm effectively competing against my ex's girlfriend.

AIBU? PTA made me feel like a petty child but I just can't accept it. I don't want to go to the pub with a load of mums, and her, and indulge in this charade. I don't want her on the whatsap group sending messages about my daughter - that's my job. My boyfriend has two kids and I respectfully stay away from their mums territory, so i don't feel her approach is right. My boyfriend says its just a phase and as soon as she has her own baby she'll back off - I hope he's right.

[NickiFury]

People who disbelieve that an abusive man could get 50/50 are living in cloud cuckoo land and clearly have little experience of such a situation themselves. There was a man a few years ago who actually murdered his wife, spent time in prison for it and I believe was able to have contact with his children and them staying with him on his release.

[Waltermittythesequel]

To add to my posts; the comments about her being a new mum are disgraceful.

But if the what's app group is for general a stuff that she would be involved in any way if dd is in her care then I don't really see why it's a problem?

[MagicMojito]

OK after reading your latest post I'd say move as far away as possible to make contact as little and difficult for them as I could manage. I realise that a child has a right to a relationship with both parents but holy hell, he sounds like a monster and somebody I would move heaven and earth to keep my child away from. So sorry OP, I know that the courts can make shocking decisions and it must be hell having to send your child to him. I really would try to explore ways around this x

[LouBlue1507]

There is a difference between contact and 50/50 custody. A lot of fathers who have not done anything wrong and have a good relationship with their children only get every other weekend and maybe a week day.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

YANBU feeling the way you do. Not even a little bit 💐

This is what I'd do...first things first.

Have a good think about how much time her Dad is actually spending with her and whether your statement 'mostly leaves her with his gf' is actually true, or if it's a little bit exaggerated due to how overbearing the gf is being in your life & how much you miss your DD etc

If it's a case of the gf just doing what any other 'parent' would do, picking her up from school, taking her to afterschool activities, being home with her when he goes to the footy etc and him being home for dinner, bedtime, doing some stuff with her at the weekend, but also cleaning the car etc then I think you just have to grin & bear it really. If it's a 'normal family life' type situation, BUT if he's actually out most nights of the week, spending every weekend out with his mates etc & barely seeing her, then it's a different story.

Can you answer that honestly? By 'honestly', I mean being honest with yourself.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

Sorry. Cross posted with your last post.

[Workinzzz]

If he is as bad as you say, she may be the better influence to have in your daughters life 50% of the time, rather than him.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

What utter fuck muppet gave hmm50/50. For fuck sake

I'd be back in court.

[giggleshizz]

Sorry bit I feel some pp are being very naive about this situation. A good 'new' partner would be kind and supportive to your dd, involved in her life and take an interest in her education. But any normal person would also know where to draw the line and when to step back. She is massively crossing the line by trying to be involved with PTA and social events for the mums. To me this smacks of trying to muscle in on your territory and cause discomfort. My ex partner -ow- is kind to dd and I am thankful for that even if my personal feelings towards her aren't the best. However I can not imagine sitting and having a beer with her in a pub to discuss my dd's day at school! Nor can I imagine any normal person would actually want to do this!! Sorry OP YANBU, I really feel for you and I would, if you can, delicately take it up with your ex-p that you feel PTA and mum's nights out are a step to far. Good luck.
Ps also very suprised at schools attitude as they must come across situations like this a lot.

[Alanna1]

I've not read all the thread but have you thought of trying family mediation? To find a way for the gf to play a role that respects you are mum but that she also has a role, and a name for her?

[giggleshizz]

That should read my ex's partner and strikethrough ow doh!

[Griphook]

Is there a home school link worker at the school? Go and see them explain he was abusive, be open and honest with them. What he is doing is just another way to control you.

[Lunar1]

How much parenting does he actually do during the 50:50, because if it's very little I would take it back to court.

A partner helping out is fine, but she is not and never will be her mum and shouldn't be doing the majority care in dads time.

[ExtraHotLatteToGo]

People really need to read at least the OP's post before commenting.

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

All those saying 'move away'

How ridiculous

He could get a prohibited steps order or even end up with full residency!! How is moving far away in the child's best interests?? How?

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

OP this is such a nightmare, and I can just imagine how stressful you are

however, unless the court order changes - to some extent you need to learn how to manage and cope with this issue.

also, let face facts. he will turn around and abuse her too, its not an IF, its a WHEN. so at some stage- its all going to go tits up between them.

If they were normal people, and she was not an abused partner (as she is, and will be) you could reason with her on this. But she is controlled by him isn't she.

All you can do is

put up boundaries
pat yourself on the back for having gotton away
email the school re the PR issues
fuck the whatsapp issue, really - some battles are just not worth it
KEEP A DIARY. and log every single thing

and try to build up your strength and morale. you are NOT with this abuser any more - so focus on what you can change - which is getting yourself emotionally string again

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

Mediation is not recommended in abuse cases. So I don't think that would be a useful step.

However, I do think you should look at going back to court to change this.

One thing you haven't mentioned is how you find the GF is with your DD - is she nice to her? Does she act as a good stepmother, or do you get the feeling that she is trying to push you out as much as your ex would like to? In other words, is she as bad as him to you?

I think she is overstepping the mark, she doesn't have parental responsibility for your DD and yet she is trying to act as though she does. I think your PTA are ridiculous for allowing you to be pushed out of your own DD's school situation, however much they think you should "suck it up" you are STILL her actual mother.

Court, or at least a chat with a sensible solicitor, seems to be the way to go from here.

[DoinItFine]

Don't go back to court before you get in touch with Women's Aid and get some help in dealing with this situation.

Fortify yourself first. You need to be in a good place to deal with this (and deal with it you must) but your don't sound strong enough now.

[MrsJayy]

Yes to school homelink worker tell them what you said here about his horrific abuse they can maybe put some boundry in place regarding the girlfriend and info sharing

[crusoe16]

if you don't do this, by this date, we won't let you facetime DD anymore

OK OP, having read your later post I take back what I said about it being about your DD and not you!

They are threatening you, making you unwell and in doing so are not doing their best for your DD so you must. Go back to court. Explain that you are being threatened, that your ex's GF is doing most of the 'work' relating to your DD and that you feel your DD would be better off with you. If your ex works Mon - Fri suggest EoW and perhaps one overnight midweek.

I'm a stepmum. DH has DSD 50:50. I do loads all of her school stuff because neither parent does it. I think where 50:50 is happening, and Dad is not available because he's working, you have to accept that the SM is going to be involved with school on some level if it's her doing the school runs, homework, baking for cake sales etc. Saying that if you are willing and able to do it (not the case with my DSD's Mum), I do believe you should be able to as her DM.

What others have said about your ex using his GF as an unpaid babysitter is true. At some point she will likely become resentful and bored of being his puppet. I know I did. Actually it got worse when I had my DC and was running around like a blue-arsed fly trying to deal with DSD and my own young children while DH trotted off to work every morning. I got very angry with my DH and if DSD's Mum had been willing to take over or have her more I would have insisted on him allowing it. This 50:50 by proxy stuff is nuts if there's a parent willing and able to have their child more imo.

[MumOnTheRunCatchingUp]

Why does op need women's aid??

They are over run as it is, why involve them? Op isn't being abused

[FullTimeOfTwo]

He sounds like an absolute beast! I would be thankful my DD had a caring woman around.

I was gutted when my ex (the father of my DD) separated from his partner, she is a lovely woman who had a lot of time for my DD. In fact they still have contact as she had a child with my ex so she takes my DD out so that my DD can spend time with her brother. As long as my child is happy, safe and loved so am I.

This is obviously only my experience and what you have been through with your ex understandably makes your situation a whole different ball game.
It sounds as if there are underlying issues here, it sounds like it is more about him rather than the new gf as you believe he is orchestrating it all.
I can't begin to imagine how hard it must be to share custody of your precious child with a man that is capable of all that; but sadly this is the situation you are faced with. Some help on how to cope with the situation you are in and to move on from your past is definitely needed. CBT which you mentioned is a good start; a support group would be great as well so you can speak to other that are in or have been in your situation.

My suggestion would be to cut the new gf some slack. Being mad at her is not helping you any.

[MrsJayy]

The op is most certainly still being abused by her ex

[NickiFury]

mumontherun will you be offering any advice yourself? Or just nit picking at everyone else's?

[FullTimeOfTwo]

NickiFury