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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Wedding hell - advice needed!

40 replies

Hjo123 · 09/05/2016 22:13

My DH's neice is getting married soon. Turns out DH's ExW is also invited. They were together a long time but split up v acrimoniously 15 years ago and she has stayed in touch with some of his family.

DH is quite upset that she will be there - we've also been put on the same fucking table - but more upset that his neice didn't mention it, we found out from another family member.

She has been invited as an 'aunt' but I'm annoyed that she isn't technically an aunt when she stopped being married to the uncle. I know the bride & groom can invite who they like but is this not a bit bad manners?? And at the very least massively insensitive?

OP posts:

Aeroflotgirl · 09/05/2016 22:17

That is unacceptable that you have been put on the same table, very rude, what the hell is she hoping for. I would contact her regarding the table issue, not on.

TobleroneBoo · 09/05/2016 22:17

Technicalities don't matter, if she is important to her it doesn't matter if she is still married to DH.

It's her day

Ameliablue · 09/05/2016 22:17

It is a bit odd to put them on the table but nothing wrong with her being invited.

myownprivateidaho · 09/05/2016 22:19

It's insensitive to put her on the same table. And it would have been better to warn you. But no, it's not U to have invited her. If your neice still considers her an aunt then no, that relationship doesn't stop on divorce. I can understand you don't want to see her, but I think you have to put your feelings aside for a day.

nilbyname · 09/05/2016 22:20

Invited yes, same table- HELL NO!

annandale · 09/05/2016 22:20

I don't think it's particularly insensitive to invite someone to a party that she obviously wants to be there. I had a few 'opposite sides' invitations to my first wedding that I went ahead with thinking that people would put their best foot forward to be pleasant to each other at a wedding.

Putting you on the same table is crass. (How do you know, by the way?) I wonder if you can contact her, or someone like her mother, and just ask whether it's at all possible to be on different tablets.

EllaHen · 09/05/2016 22:22

I agree with others - bad form to put you on the same table but not bad form to invite her.

She doesn't cease to be someone's Auntie because of divorce. Children don't work that way. Thankfully.

Original poster

Hjo123 · 09/05/2016 22:22

Annandale same family member who told us she was coming let slip about the table

OP posts:

wowfudge · 09/05/2016 22:23

You make it sound as though your approval is needed. Presumably the niece has maintained a relationship with her aunt - just because she is no longer married to your DH doesn't mean she should be persona non grata with his family.

As guests you should take it on the chin and rise above the acrimony of the past. Should you decide not to attend then please don't tell the bride it is because your DH's first wife is going.

VoldysGoneMouldy · 09/05/2016 22:26

Think it's slightly naive to say she stopped being an aunt when they divorced - if they divorced fifteen years ago and niece is getting married now, she must be old enough to remember her being involved. Just because you are now in that role by marriage, doesn't mean she wasn't there first.

If you can do so without sounding stroppy, then maybe enquire about a different table arrangement, but presumably if you've been told that you're on the same table, she will have been as well, and it may well make things more awkward to request a change.

FoxyLoxy123 · 09/05/2016 22:27

You need to establish if you really are on the same table. No one is seeing my table plan beforehand because I know some will request to sit with other people or closer to the top table. No one is being sat near an ex or anything, mind.

My aunt and uncle separated a few years ago but he will always be my uncle. Mention what you've heard about the table but you'll have to suck it up that she's there, that's up to the bride and groom.

OVienna · 09/05/2016 22:28

For sure she wasn't thinking straight putting you on the same table. Maybe it's not true though? Not so strange she's invited esp if she is mum to the bride's cousins. I would have your DH double check. It is not unreasonable to ask not y be seated together.

shamelessmailhack · 09/05/2016 22:33

Ask nicely if she'll revise her table plan and move you somewhere else. There will be dozens of other guests. You'll be able to duck her for most of it.

annandale · 09/05/2016 22:36

Ah, in that case the person who 'let it slip' may be stirring and not even know the seating plan.

tbh the ideal thing to do would just be to let it go and if you do turn out to be on the same table, sit through the meal somehow, you can make conversation with anyone if you have to. Go and visit another table for the pudding course, that's a bit rude but I think it would be OK in the circumstances.

WriteforFun1 · 09/05/2016 22:37

Ask niece re table
Invite fine, same table just so wrong!

TheNaze73 · 09/05/2016 22:42

You'll only be at the table, for a couple of hours. Smoke the peace pipe & chill. It's her day, not yours

Wdigin2this · 09/05/2016 22:49

My ex's niece still considers me as family, and she came to our wedding when I married current DH. So no, I don't think it's unreasonable of the niece to invite her aunt to the wedding, but certainly a little insensitive to place you on the same table. Could your DH have a word with his brother/sister, and ask if it would be possible to seat her separately?

AnotherPrickInTheWall · 09/05/2016 22:55

Just try to be adults on the big day. It's a few hours out of your life, keep it in perspective.

frazmum · 10/05/2016 07:05

YABU. Your DH ExW was her aunt when your niece was born. So technically she's still the aunt, not her problem her aunt and uncle got divorced.
Sounds like a lovely girl who wants both of you there to celebrate.

AyeAmarok · 10/05/2016 07:13

Fine to invite her. Not so good that she's put her on the same table.

I'm getting the feeling she did this on purpose to spite you a little bit - do you and your DH niece get along?

CharlieSierra · 10/05/2016 07:24

Sounds like a lovely girl who wants both of you there to celebrate

Sounds like she has no manners to me. Or maybe it isn't true. It's a bit odd that anyone would discuss the table plan.

Whocansay · 10/05/2016 07:25

I was guilty of doing this at my wedding. We'd always been given the impression that my DH's parents' divorce was amicable and everyone got on. We didn't have a massive wedding, and thought it would be a fabulous idea if they were on the same table so they could catch up...

It was fine in the end, but we clearly made them a bit uncomfortable. We were just naïve and it didn't occur to us that maybe things weren't quite as rosy as we'd been told! Talk to your niece and gently ask if it would be OK if you could be on a different table if possible.

You can't expect to dictate the guest list though. If she likes this woman and wants to invite her that's her business.

HackerFucker22 · 10/05/2016 07:30

Does your OH still have dealings with his ex? Does his niece still have a close relationship with his exw? Are there children (niece's cousins) involved?

Original poster

Hjo123 · 10/05/2016 07:33

Thank you all - helps to put it in perspective.

AyeAmarok I don't even know her that well so have no reason to think its a spiteful act. And certainly not towards DH.

They probably have no idea how uncomfortable it would make DH or his ExW to be seated close to each other, can't imagine she's thrilled about it either.

OP posts:

Janeymoo50 · 10/05/2016 07:34

Do guests see table plans before the day?!!!

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