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AIBU?

Wedding hell - advice needed!

40 replies

Hjo123 · 09/05/2016 22:13

My DH's neice is getting married soon. Turns out DH's ExW is also invited. They were together a long time but split up v acrimoniously 15 years ago and she has stayed in touch with some of his family.

DH is quite upset that she will be there - we've also been put on the same fucking table - but more upset that his neice didn't mention it, we found out from another family member.

She has been invited as an 'aunt' but I'm annoyed that she isn't technically an aunt when she stopped being married to the uncle. I know the bride & groom can invite who they like but is this not a bit bad manners?? And at the very least massively insensitive?

OP posts:

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MackerelOfFact · 10/05/2016 09:40

BeckysMediocreHair I assume you missed the bit where I said "unless there was an abusive element and they keep their distance for very good reasons"?!

MyLocal · 10/05/2016 09:26

Another one who thinks it is OK to invite both but nuts to put you all on the same table, what is she thinking?

BeckysMediocreHair · 10/05/2016 09:20

"After 15 years, it might do your DH and his XW good to be in each others' company for a couple of hours..."

" I would be questioning why your DH is SO bothered about being in her company after a decade and a half... maybe he's hiding something from you that EW might let slip..."

Would we be so eager to tell a woman she should sit next to an abusive, controlling ex she may still be fearful of? "Go on love, it'll do you good. Why don't you want your new husband to sit next to the old one? Got some dirt on you has he?"

For all we know she stabbed him in the hand and set his car on fire.

witsender · 10/05/2016 09:10

It's been a long time. Just smile politely at each other and get on with it.

MackerelOfFact · 10/05/2016 09:01

Also, in your position I would be questioning why your DH is SO bothered about being in her company after a decade and a half. I would worry that maybe he's hiding something from you that EW might let slip (abuse, affair, twattishness?) or he still has unresolved feelings about her and the relationship.

I really couldn't care less if myself and my DP were on the same table as an ex (mine or his), because the feelings have long gone and everything is out in the open.

LizzieMacQueen · 10/05/2016 08:54

Reminds me of 4 weddings and a funeral when Hugh Grant ends up on the table with all his exes.

Politely ask if you and your DH can be moved to a different table rather than asking for her to be moved.

MackerelOfFact · 10/05/2016 08:52

Hmm. At the end of the day, the wedding is about the niece's relationship with her new husband and her friends and family, not the relationships between the guests. After 15 years, it might do your DH and his XW good to be in each others' company for a couple of hours, even if they don't say anything to each other, since there is clearly something preventing them moving on and putting those feelings behind them. (Unless there was an abusive element and they keep their distance for very good reasons).

MilkTwoSugarsThanks · 10/05/2016 08:29

Depends a lot on the nature of the split.

Tbh if I had to spend even half an hour sat at the same table as my emotionally abusive, vile, controlling, bullying ex I wouldn't go. I would not "rise above it" or "be an adult" or "suck it up" while he sits there gas-lighting, chewing away at my self-esteem, insulting me and my family...

If it's going to be like that for anyone the seating needs to be changed. I know it's their day, but not so much that others should be miserable.

(I realise I may be projecting there a little!)

RaeSkywalker · 10/05/2016 08:15

The bride has made a massive error here by sharing the table plan before the wedding day...

Ultimately, it's her wedding, the meal will only last a couple of hours. Yes it will be awkward but you might just have to get on with it. Sorry.

WizardOfToss · 10/05/2016 08:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 10/05/2016 08:09

It's been 15 years. Just be adults about it. You can share a table and be polite.

JapanNextYear · 10/05/2016 07:37

I think you'll just have to be the grown ups and sit on the same table. I was a relatively laid back bride but to have had to shuffle round tables would have stressed me out. This is why I had no table plan....

If you like the niece just smile and get on with it. Chances are there's going to be other things in the future where you'll all have to plat nicely.

Hjo123 · 10/05/2016 07:37

Hacker No he doesn't have anything to do with her at all, they didn't have children so no cousins. They split very acrimoniously and have said about 2 words to each other since.

OP posts:

TheVeganVagina · 10/05/2016 07:37

Yabu, and acting very precious.

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 10/05/2016 07:35

On one hand it could be seen as insensitive that she placed you both on the same table but look at it like this. They split a long time ago, what's your problem? He's with you now. He's allowed to have a history.
Maybe she thought you could all be adult enough to not start slinging mud and shooting each other dirty looks. It's a wedding after all not a bar brawl.

Janeymoo50 · 10/05/2016 07:34

Do guests see table plans before the day?!!!

Hjo123 · 10/05/2016 07:33

Thank you all - helps to put it in perspective.

AyeAmarok I don't even know her that well so have no reason to think its a spiteful act. And certainly not towards DH.

They probably have no idea how uncomfortable it would make DH or his ExW to be seated close to each other, can't imagine she's thrilled about it either.

OP posts:

HackerFucker22 · 10/05/2016 07:30

Does your OH still have dealings with his ex? Does his niece still have a close relationship with his exw? Are there children (niece's cousins) involved?

Whocansay · 10/05/2016 07:25

I was guilty of doing this at my wedding. We'd always been given the impression that my DH's parents' divorce was amicable and everyone got on. We didn't have a massive wedding, and thought it would be a fabulous idea if they were on the same table so they could catch up...

It was fine in the end, but we clearly made them a bit uncomfortable. We were just naïve and it didn't occur to us that maybe things weren't quite as rosy as we'd been told! Talk to your niece and gently ask if it would be OK if you could be on a different table if possible.

You can't expect to dictate the guest list though. If she likes this woman and wants to invite her that's her business.

CharlieSierra · 10/05/2016 07:24

Sounds like a lovely girl who wants both of you there to celebrate

Sounds like she has no manners to me. Or maybe it isn't true. It's a bit odd that anyone would discuss the table plan.

AyeAmarok · 10/05/2016 07:13

Fine to invite her. Not so good that she's put her on the same table.

I'm getting the feeling she did this on purpose to spite you a little bit - do you and your DH niece get along?

frazmum · 10/05/2016 07:05

YABU. Your DH ExW was her aunt when your niece was born. So technically she's still the aunt, not her problem her aunt and uncle got divorced.
Sounds like a lovely girl who wants both of you there to celebrate.

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AnotherPrickInTheWall · 09/05/2016 22:55

Just try to be adults on the big day. It's a few hours out of your life, keep it in perspective.

Wdigin2this · 09/05/2016 22:49

My ex's niece still considers me as family, and she came to our wedding when I married current DH. So no, I don't think it's unreasonable of the niece to invite her aunt to the wedding, but certainly a little insensitive to place you on the same table. Could your DH have a word with his brother/sister, and ask if it would be possible to seat her separately?

TheNaze73 · 09/05/2016 22:42

You'll only be at the table, for a couple of hours. Smoke the peace pipe & chill. It's her day, not yours

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