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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if anyone honestly regrets DC2

109 replies

Minimalteserbunny · 09/05/2016 20:37

I adore my DS in that exhausting but wonderful way
I had always wanted more than 1 child but I had a horrendous pregnancy god awful birth and then he ended up in special care for a week

Despite having awful PTSD/PND I still think I'd love another child??

I'm scared I'll regret it

I know it's taboo to say but does anyone honestly regret having another child

OP posts:
xandra588 · 10/05/2016 15:52

Nah, my kids are both heaven and hell,but I like it just like that.

peachypips · 10/05/2016 15:56

I had one of the severest forms of PNI after DS1, then again in pregnancy with DS2, then again after his birth.
I don't regret it for one second. If anything, DS2 undid the angst I had about DS1- I wasn't as anxious about everything as I was with DS1 and it chilled me out a bit. Now they are 6 and 8 and it really takes the pressure off having two as they play together and love each other. Their entertainment isn't solely down to me.

rememberthebacon · 10/05/2016 16:18

I always wanted more than one DC. Don't regret DS2 but do feel bad for DS1 (4yo) sometimes as when I compare his life to that of his only child friends he doesn't get to do nearly as much as juggling a 1yo and just turned 4yo at places like soft play, swimming etc is too hard and I have limited support from others.

Also the tiredness is way worse this time around (DS2 still waking hourly!) so I get grumpy and then feel guilty. I used to think I was a good mum when I only had 1 DS but now I am just an adequate one.

Part of me would love a 3rd (especially as I feel a bit sad that I'll never have a DD) but I think it might push me over the edge, sanity wise. So better to quit while I'm ahead. I think if you feel ambivalent about having a(nother) DC it's better to err on the side of caution.

Kikibanana86 · 10/05/2016 16:20

Does anyone really regret having children though? I don't think anyone in a fit state of mind would really.

I have 5 btw! Very small age gaps but wouldnt change any of it.

Claraoswald36 · 10/05/2016 16:20

No regrets. Dds 3 years apart. I asked dd1 ages ago if she could remember before dd2 was born. She said 'yes but I was so sad and lonely for a sister'. All I needed to hear and dd1 is never alone Grin

CheekyGit · 10/05/2016 17:36

Op, have a ELC for your second, by pass the worry, the issues with the birth, Its a truly wonderful, calm and lovely way to bring a baby into the world.

anyway, there were moments when I had small panic, but I knew my tough spots and I know it will get better. I adore the two of them together they get on well and love each other and it ignites my heart to see them cuddle each other, or hold hands.

timeforheroes · 10/05/2016 18:17

DS1 was a long time coming but the whole birth aftermath was a total shit storm that I've still not made my peace with. We decided we wanted a sibling for him and given the time it had taken before we started trying when he was 9 months, I fell straight away and had DTwins when he was 16mths old. It is hard, some days beyond overwhelming...BUT I wouldn't change any of it for the world. I think the small age gap, multiples and DS's ongoing medical issues does contribute to some days ending with wine or tears, or both, but in the darker moments the 3 of them are everything that keeps me going. I think DH sometimes has wobbles of regret, he often brings up the whole holidaying and going places argument. We've twice had to cancel a trip to Australia now because of DCs.

TheFuckersBitingMe · 10/05/2016 18:24

DS2 is batshit. Totally batshit. He doesn't sleep like a human, refused to eat like a human for a long while, is contrary, stubborn and not a little surreal.

However, he has been the absolute completion of our family. We're happier, more fun and just work better as a four than we did as a three. He is amazing.

The only thing I'd do differently is to hire a nanny for the batshit o'clock wake ups. Because it took four years for the swine to sleep. Four years. I've morphed into my Dad during those four years and will never get them back.

thebear1 · 10/05/2016 18:49

No regrets but I would have preferred a smaller age gap as the 5 year gap brings some challenges.

PacificDogwod · 10/05/2016 18:49

Does anyone really regret having children though?

I think some people do - completing an unwanted pregnancy and then having guilty resentful feelings towards the resulting child is not as uncommon as one would like to think, for instance.
And whether or not a child is 'easy' or not, no doubt comes in to it as well IMO and IME.

I gave a fairly flippant answer upthread (sorry about that Blush) and I don't regret having any of my DCs: I wanted a family of 4 children, after after several MCs I got what I wanted rather late in life. However, I can see the wisdom of not being outnumbered Grin. As a PP upthread said, which of my 4 is up for adoption varies from hour to hour and sometimes minute to minute, but, no doubt, DS2 has been the hardest work, but that clearly did not put us off having more…. I have felt overwhelmed at times, there was a cost to pay in our relationship and I forever feel I 'fail' each and every one of them. I hope the benefits of having siblings balance out the downsides and that once they are grown-up they will look back on a childhood that they remember as 'happy' - even if they have screechy mummy at times.

AnotherStitchInTime · 10/05/2016 18:55

No, nor dc3 and I had ptsd, PND and lasting physical problems after his very traumatic birth. Dd1 and 2 are best buddies most of the time. Ds just adds to the fun and madness. They are 6, 4 and 2 now and now we are nearly through the night waking phase with dc3 I feel almost human most days.

Flowerpower14 · 10/05/2016 19:53

Mine are 10 and 7months and i did wonder this for a long time myself,but i can honestly say hand on heart theres no rejrects what so ever. They are so in love with each other even with i thought the novelty would wear off it hasnt. Its brought out the best in my older dd for sure. For a long time i said no more when i had 1 and i must admit now i would be much more likely to have another.

septembersunshine · 10/05/2016 20:15

No, and not the third or the fourth due to appear late summer. The saying goes (I think) that you never regret the children you do have, only the ones you don't.

Plus, the pregnancy/birth are just such a tiny part of the whole picture. And that picture lasts your whole life long. It's an adventure too - no one tells you that. It's a good adventure at that!

manateeandcake · 10/05/2016 21:48

I don't regret having DC2 but the 6 months since his birth have been among the hardest of my life, with regular and frequent moments of great joy. The pregnancy and birth were both much more straightforward than with DC1.

DS is a gorgeous, delightful baby but he's a rubbish sleeper. DD is a lovely (if strong-willed) child but a very early waker. It's a vicious one-two punch that has put my marriage to DH under more strain than anything we've encountered. Luckily, I'm still hopeful that we'll emerge from it stronger (assuming we do emerge).

As others have said, watching the sibling relationship develop is amazing and I was surprised and happy to find that DD adores DS and fundamentally sees him as A Good Thing, though of course there are hard moments too.

So I don't regret DC2 in the least, but if I'm ever tempted to regret the subsequent children I don't have, I'll try to remember what this level of sleep deprivation feels like!

shinynewusername · 10/05/2016 22:54

I think it's Marcus Brigstock who says that going from one to two is like going from owning a dog to running a zoo Grin

ivegotdreadfulpmttoday · 11/05/2016 00:23

No regrets at all. Wish I'd had him sooner so I would have had time for number 3.

Choccywoccyhooha · 11/05/2016 00:52

No, not dc2. My eldest two are less than a year apart, so it was bloody hard work and now, at 5 and 6, they argue all the freaking time, but i'd still have them both. The positives they get from having a sibling far out way the negatives. DC3 however...I would definitely consider much more carefully if I had my time again. 3 is hard, I don't have enough hands, eyes, knees, energy, patience and no one is ever able to look after three for a couple of hours whilst I have some time to myself. Plus everything is geared towards 2 children families- holidays, cars, family passes, etc.

2 is great fun.

MazzleDazzle · 11/05/2016 07:43

Never. The bond they have is wonderful.

My first was in special care for 5 weeks. The hospital was a 4hr drive away from home. When she got home she still needed a lot of care and didn't sleep well. My second was much easier by comparison.

Tonis2297 · 11/05/2016 09:10

No I don't regret DC2 at the beginning I wondered what I'd let myself in for and my patience is tested daily Grin dc1 has autism and other disabilities and dc2 screamed for the first 7 months (severe reflux) my dp also works full time so I'm sahm with both of them it is still difficult ds is 3 1/2 and dd is 10 months , but I know next year ds will go to school and things will be a lot easier , I just feel bad I can't give dd all my time atm , if I had the choice again I would have probably waited until ds was at school but she was obviously meant to be and both of them have made us the way we are and I don't regret any of them Smile

magnificatAnimaMea · 11/05/2016 09:21

I don't have one yet (fingers crossed, due in Nov) - but to add some balance, my mother desperately regretted having a second child (me).

First child was a dream, good sleeper, good eater, looked beautiful in all the little smocked dresses and crotcheted matinee jackets... was compliant, beautiful, charming, socially well-adjusted - and to this day is the perfect hostess...

Second child was a nightmare from before birth (bed rest from 12 weeks with placenta praevia), was premature, didn't sleep, didn't eat, she had PND and hated me from birth onwards. I didn't get diagnoses of autism or ADHD until my 30s, but my behaviour as a child was pretty disturbed. I grew up listening to "second children spoil everything" every time my sister did anything good or I did anything bad. The relationship hasn't really improved.

knowler · 11/05/2016 11:09

If you do have DC2, there will be times when you do regret it - DS1 was 3.5yo when I had DS2 and was therefore pretty easy going at the time. Having a newborn again put me back to square one! I also had PND after both, but at least after DS2 I was prepared for it, and knew when to seek help. And how many ADs I needed to take :)

But after about 6 months or so, the advantages far outweighed any regrets. The sibling relationship is lovely to watch and TBH, I just let them play by themselves most of the time now and have lots of cups of tea :) I'd feel terribly guilty if I did that with just one :)

Age gap is important - i found 3.5 years a good one but it's totally personal choice.

Original poster
Minimalteserbunny · 12/05/2016 21:05

Thank you everyone so much to think about

I just worry about my age 38 so not much time to mess around and actually being pregnant fills me with dread so I don't want to go through all the pain to regret it...

I guess no one regrets children per say but there has to be an element of WTF have we done sometimes

OP posts:
WhatsGoingOnEh · 12/05/2016 21:07

Never for a minute have I regretted DS2. He cured the PND I had with DS1 -- like properly cured it, like he changed my hormones or something. And it's so much easier second time around. You're so much more confident. I loved motherhood so much more with DS2.

WhatsGoingOnEh · 12/05/2016 21:08

I was 36 when I had DS2. I didn't ever enjoy pregnancy!! But it goes by faster second time, as you're much busier. (IME)

AdoraKiora · 12/05/2016 21:12

Having a second child was the best thing I ever did Grin.

First DC - hard pregnancy, awful birth, PND, very demanding/non-sleeping baby, difficult toddler. He was eventually diagnosed with autism. He is now a wonderful secondary school kiddo, but it was tough going all the way through with him as a little one.

Second DC - another dreadful pregnancy, but fantastic birth, no PND (quite the opposite - was on cloud nine for ages afterwards), dream sleeper/smiley, chilled munchkin. DS loved her to bits after an initial 'send her back!' period and they are as close as close can be now. Our family is complete Grin.