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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Would IBU to name my miscarried baby boy?

28 replies

PinkBalloons · 09/05/2016 14:09

We will try again...

So, I miscarried my little boy at 14 weeks, so still very young. DH doesn't believe he was really big enough or old enough to particularly have a name and properly thought about as our baby. He doesn't talk about him like he was our baby/even a baby at all, which is upsetting for me.

I want him to have a name and a grave area, I want to talk about him like he is a baby and was ours, not just a failed pregnancy.

Who is in the right?

OP posts:

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 14:12

No-one. You each have to deal with it in your own way. I had 7 mcs, all before 12 weeks. I didn't think of them as babies, it was hope that died when I mc'd. So, for me, it would never have occurred to me to name them. But that doesn't mean it's not right for you - but your DH is entitled to his own take, grief is very personal.

for you both.

Oysterbabe · 09/05/2016 14:14

I remember your first thread. If it would help you then name him. Yanbu.

Original poster

PinkBalloons · 09/05/2016 14:15

But he looked like a little baby, he really did and it's sad how he still claims that it really wasnt.

Sorry for your losses too

OP posts:

TheSuspiciousMsWhicher · 09/05/2016 14:15

There isn't a right or wrong answer, lovely. Everybody grieves differently. If naming your baby helps you to cope with your loss then it's the right thing for you to do. Likewise, your DH choosing to deal with it differently doesn't mean he's unfeeling. He should also be allowed to grieve in his own way.

Trooperslane · 09/05/2016 14:16

I was in the same position this time last year.

My baby has a name.

Dh doesn't know - he can't deal with it, thinking of DC as a real child.

No one is right.

Crumbles12 · 09/05/2016 14:17

I'm so so sorry for your loss
I don't think there is a right or wrong. I miscarried last year around the same time and gestation as a close friend of mine and we both needed to deal with it differently, she planted a flower with the remains and named her baby, she also had a gathering on the babies due date when it came around. For me that would all be too much and I deal better by generally blocking it out and allowing myself moments to reflect and think about the baby. Neither are right or wrong it's how you best deal with the grief. The pain does begin to heal with time.

Trooperslane · 09/05/2016 14:18

I also think it's different if you delivered.

Definitely more grieving for a real person for me vs earlier losses.

Hope that isn't insensitive.

for you X

RiverTam · 09/05/2016 14:18

Sounds like that's his way of coping. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. You can name the baby for yourself but don't force your DH to acknowledge or use it, he may come to it in his own time, or he may not. I don't think that I could have carried on with 7 named babies.

Has the hospital offered any kind of counselling for you and your DH? Might be worth talking it through with someone.

NeedACleverNN · 09/05/2016 14:19

If that helps you cope then do it.

I've had 3 miscarriages and each one has been about 6-8 weeks. To me, they were just a ball of cells and not a baby. That has helped me cope with it

almostthirty · 09/05/2016 14:20

It's a very personal thing. I miscarried at 12 weeks and the only way I coped was thinking of it as an it. Not a boy or girl but an unviable pregnancy. It sounds cold and heartless, especially as I had a scan at 7 weeks which showed a heartbeat, but that is how I coped. Maybe your dh is the same? Everyone copes with grief differently so yanbu to grieve in the way you want. sorry for your loss.

Primaryteach87 · 09/05/2016 14:21

I named my 9 week old baby I miscarried. I also burnt him remains in the garden with my husband. We have never told anyone this, but it felt very important not to imagine he didn't exist. I also got him 'registered' with this Catholic Church. I'm not catholic but I found it comforting. www.innocents.com/shrine.asp

In short, whatever helps you is fine. It's not anyone else's business and you can tell or not tell others as you feel comfortable.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Incidentally, I think most people would think of 14 weeks as quite late a miscarriage. Be gentle to yourself.

novemberchild · 09/05/2016 14:22

I named my (11 week) miscarried baby. It helped me cope, and helped me separate her in my mind and emotions from the baby I am carrying now.

I know and understand your grief, as will many other women. And am so sorry for what you have suffered.

toffee1000 · 09/05/2016 14:25

So sorry OP. It is much rarer to miscarry after 12 weeks. If he looked like a real baby then it will be a lot more real to you than if you miscarried at say 8 weeks.
Miscarriages happen before 24 weeks, though, which is the point of viability ie there is a chance they would survive outside the womb. Maybe this is why your DH doesn't see it as a real baby, it was "only" 14 weeks.
Anyway, have some flowers OP, miscarriages suck

Buxtonstill · 09/05/2016 14:27

I am sorry for your loss.
There is no instruction manual. No one individual grieves the same. You must do what feels right for you.

Lancelottie · 09/05/2016 14:32

I did.

Her name was going to be Phoebe.

Two years ago, on 16th September, I had a weirdly vivid dream that my daughter tall, dark haired, bony was packing to leave home for university, excited, nervy, a bit chaotic.

My daughter was then 11 and blonde, but that day should have been Phoebe's 18th birthday. I am the least woo person ever, but something inside me has never forgotten.

Lancelottie · 09/05/2016 14:33

Posted too soon. Be kind to yourself, and grieve how you need to grieve.

RufusTheReindeer · 09/05/2016 14:39

I miscarried at 12 weeks

I decided she was a girl

The hospital had a remembrance book in the chapel for miscarriages and still births and we arranged for her "name" and relevent dates to be put in it

She has memory box with a few of the little things i had started buying

Dh knows all this but its not something he thinks about and i doubt he remembers what we "named" her

You are both right, people deal with it in different ways

ElbowArse · 09/05/2016 14:40

If naming the baby helps you then do it. I had 6 miscarriages - much earlier than yours - and even at 9 weeks they looked enough like tiny babies for me to name them all, although their names aren't something I've ever shared with anyone, even my husband. Have you thought of planting a tree or plant to commemorate your baby? There are also books of rememberance in some hospitals where you can have baby's name written. We don't talk much about our lost babies - too painful - but I know my husband grieved for them. There are some great forums online if you need to talk. Best wishes to you.

HappyNevertheless · 09/05/2016 14:45

Tbh, no one is right or wrong.

You each have your own way to look atthings and your own ways to deal with things.
If naming that baby is helping you then so be it. I would expect your DH to acknowledge that.
Just as I would expect you to acknowledge it doesn't have the same meaning for him.

Beeziekn33ze · 09/05/2016 14:48

In Cheltenham there is a beautiful sculpture dedicated to babies who didn't make it to birth and a bench nearby. Around are trees planted in memory of loved ones, a peaceful place in which to remember.

Bogeyface · 09/05/2016 14:49

I have had many miscarriages and just dont think about in terms of them being babies because otherwise I would really struggle with how many losses I have had. However, one of them was DD's twin sister and when she was older we talked about it and DD asked what her sisters name was. I said that as she was lost before 24 weeks, she wasnt registered with a name but DD wanted her to have one so we chose a name for her together, she is Mary. Somehow it does help that she has a name, because unlike my other losses, I look at DD and its upsetting to think that there would be another daughter the same age, doing the same things.

Fostec1 · 09/05/2016 14:53

I miscarried at 14 weeks, 9 weeks, 7,6 and 5 weeks. Miscarrying at 14 weeks was much more traumatic due to having to deliver the baby and the fact it looked like a baby rather than just a clot. Sending you lots of love at this horrible time, be kind to yourself. My husband didn't want to see the baby or name him, but in my head I named him the name id always liked for a boy but didn't tell anyone. Three years later when I had a healthy baby boy my husband and family expected him to be named my favourite boys name and were surprised when I went for something else. That name already belonged in my head to my little boy that was lost and I couldn't imagine using it again. Do whatever makes any of this less hard than it has to be. You and your husband may handle it very differently, so be it, it doesn't mean he doesn't feel as devastated as you do. X

BertrandRussell · 09/05/2016 15:01

I had two early miscarriages. I needed to name one but not the other. I don't know why- but I just went with how I felt. You should do the same.

Jackie0 · 09/05/2016 16:47

You are both right op.
You know what you need to do so go with that .
Your Dh is just processing in a different way.

Vixxfacee · 09/05/2016 16:53

It is very personal. I named my miscarried baby. It helped me get through.

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