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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my mum who is a cleaner to clean our house?

42 replies

IlikePercyPig · 09/05/2016 12:41

I'll try to keep this short.

I have a physical disability and I work, my wife is a Nursery Nurse so she's always tired and uses the weekend to relax and go out etc.

Between the two of us we both do the hovering, laundry, dusting, skirting boards and the washing up etc. However we could do with a hand, I'm beginning to think we hate cleaning but we want a clean house, don't get me wrong it's not in a bad way but stuff isn't done as often as it should.

My mum is a professional cleaner, she is an independent cleaner - not part of a company. So I've asked her if she could clean our house for a few hours a week, I've told her that I'd pay her what she charges (£10 P/H) and she said that yes she'll do it because it's more money for her and she's noticed how we are struggling slightly with cleaning.

My wife has gone apeshit, saying why have I asked my mum when we can ask someone else, I'm not being funny but I'd rather not ask a stranger to clean my house, fair play to people that do but I'm not one of them. I don't feel that I'd be taking advantage, I'll pay her the amount she charges other people etc and I know she won't go rooting around looking for stuff she shouldn't be

So AIBU to ask my mum who is a cleaner by trade?

OP posts:

ErNope · 09/05/2016 12:43

YANBU but neither is your wife really. Some get embarrassed by someone they 'know' cleaning up after them if you know what I mean? Somehow they may think its easier to have a complete stranger do it, but some are the opposite and would prefer their Mum/MIL doing it. Horses for courses.

Crisscrosscranky · 09/05/2016 12:43

YABU to not have discussed this with your wife first - after 10 years I still feel like I need to prove myself to my MIL; asking her to come and clean my house would feel like admitting failure to me.

whois · 09/05/2016 12:44

Um, on the face of it totally not U - keep the money in the family so to speak. However it probably would be a bit funny having my partners mother come in and do my cleaning - almost like an invasion of privacy a bit.

Somerville · 09/05/2016 12:45

You AIBU to not discuss this with your wife before approaching a cleaner, whether that is your mother or someone else.

Somerville · 09/05/2016 12:46

I man, YABU.

But not unreasonable to remind me that I need to chase up hiring a cleaner myself.

I'd never employ family though. Gifts and favours are for family, not employment.

ChicRock · 09/05/2016 12:46

YANBU. But having said that, I'm not sure your wife is either. I don't think I'd like my MIL cleaning our house, I'd probably prefer a stranger.

If you told your wife that your mother said that yes she'll do it because... she's noticed how we are struggling slightly with cleaning I'd imagine that didn't go down too well.

Original poster

IlikePercyPig · 09/05/2016 12:48

My wife is the first to admit we are struggling cleaning wise

It's not set in stone so we'll see.

OP posts:

curren · 09/05/2016 12:49

Yabu to not speak to her first.

But I think sibu to apeshit or demand you don't use your mum.

ChicRock · 09/05/2016 12:49

Ah there's one thing admitting you're struggling with cleaning, there's another thing being told by your MIL that she has noticed.

Moomoomango · 09/05/2016 12:51

Yabu - you should have discussed with wife first. You have invited your mum to over step a boundary, without discussing with OH. Yes she is your mum and you are probably loving the fact your mum can clean for you - your wife not so much. Wine chocolate flowers and cancel your mum.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 09/05/2016 12:51

Yanbu to consider your mum but yabu to have talked about it to your mum before your wife.

UterusUterusGhali · 09/05/2016 12:52

Neither of you are unreasonable.

I'd have been thrilled if my ex hired a cleaner, although discussing it first would be best.
If he'd employed his mother though I would have gone apeshit.
I don't want her seeing my bedroom and emptying my bins.

Original poster

IlikePercyPig · 09/05/2016 12:53

Oh god no I've not told the wife that mum has noticed, I rather like sleeping in the bed.

OP posts:

Cunties · 09/05/2016 12:54

Hell would freeze over before I let my mil clean my house. Yabu

WeAllHaveWings · 09/05/2016 12:57

I would much rather employ a stranger clean my house than a relative or friend.

Too many issues with embarrassment/awkwardness, invasion of privacy and what do you do if they don't clean to the standard you require.

YABVU discussing this with your mum before your dw and I don't blame her for going ape shit. If you were my dh you would be working out a way to tell your dm it wasn't happening without offending her.

winchester1 · 09/05/2016 12:58

I'm with your wife on this. The reason we don't have a cleaner is because the only one who covers our area is a friend of OH family and it just feels too weird. I'd rather live with the extra dust.

Catmuffin · 09/05/2016 13:00

Get a cleaner who is not your mum.

Original poster

IlikePercyPig · 09/05/2016 13:03

I accept that I was wrong not to discuss it before asking my mum but I will not be buying her wine etc after the barrage of abuse she gave me.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 09/05/2016 13:04

Wow, just wow that you ran to ask your mother without discussing it with your wife first.

Have you thought about why you did that?

I agree with your wife, it is just awkward to employ family members. Employing a cleaner is a great idea, just find someone someone neutral, outside your immediate. Our cleaner is brilliant, but she can't help but know things about me that i would not necessarily want anyone else to know, let alone MIL. Ouch.

Original poster

IlikePercyPig · 09/05/2016 13:06

I didn't 'run to my mother'

OP posts:

Costacoffeeplease · 09/05/2016 13:13

There's no way my mil would be cleaning my house never ever ever - or even my mum

OTheHugeManatee · 09/05/2016 13:14

YANBU to want a cleaner but I can understand your DW not wanting your mum to do the job.

We have a cleaner and it's quite an intimate relationship in lots of ways: they see a lot more of your private life than most people do. For example our cleaner had figured out, just by virtue of being around our life (and bins), that I was pregnant long before we told most people.

While I'm perfectly comfortable having a trusted person see our life up close like that, I think it makes a huge difference that she's an employee and other than working for us doesn't have much to do with us. If I were your wife I would absolutely want whoever was emptying our bins to be an employee rather than my MIL.

Original poster

IlikePercyPig · 09/05/2016 13:17

Thanks OTheHugeManatee you have explained it very well

OP posts:

BarbaraofSeville · 09/05/2016 13:22

I'd be quite happy to have my MIL cleaning for us, if that was her job. You should have probably discussed getting a cleaner with your wife first though.

I don't really see the bins/personal stuff though. If you don't want your cleaner whether it is your MIL or a stranger seeing positive pregnancy tests, just put them in the bin outside. I'm sure cleaners in general don't examine the contents of the bin in detail anyway.

Cabrinha · 09/05/2016 13:23

YABU for using the phrase "the wife".

YABU not to have realised how horrible it would feel to have your MIL clean up after you!

YABU not to have discussed it.

Depending what "apeshit" actually means in terms of level of abuse from your wife, you may be right not to be buying her gifts - and it may be she owes you an apology.

But you definitely also owe her an apology for not speaking to her first, even if you somehow didn't realise it could be an awful idea!

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