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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my mum who is a cleaner to clean our house?

42 replies

IlikePercyPig · 09/05/2016 12:41

I'll try to keep this short.

I have a physical disability and I work, my wife is a Nursery Nurse so she's always tired and uses the weekend to relax and go out etc.

Between the two of us we both do the hovering, laundry, dusting, skirting boards and the washing up etc. However we could do with a hand, I'm beginning to think we hate cleaning but we want a clean house, don't get me wrong it's not in a bad way but stuff isn't done as often as it should.

My mum is a professional cleaner, she is an independent cleaner - not part of a company. So I've asked her if she could clean our house for a few hours a week, I've told her that I'd pay her what she charges (£10 P/H) and she said that yes she'll do it because it's more money for her and she's noticed how we are struggling slightly with cleaning.

My wife has gone apeshit, saying why have I asked my mum when we can ask someone else, I'm not being funny but I'd rather not ask a stranger to clean my house, fair play to people that do but I'm not one of them. I don't feel that I'd be taking advantage, I'll pay her the amount she charges other people etc and I know she won't go rooting around looking for stuff she shouldn't be

So AIBU to ask my mum who is a cleaner by trade?

OP posts:

Original poster

IlikePercyPig · 09/05/2016 13:28

I'll call her the wife if I want to thank you.

And no I'm not apologising, not after she's called me a cunt, fucking idiot, told me to man up and clean everything myself as she's too tired, oh and she's taking the piss out of my disability.

Fucks sake.

OP posts:

Cabrinha · 09/05/2016 13:36

Well aren't you the charmer
Perhaps she doesn't find being referred to as "the wife" as irritating as I do.

You were wrong to ask your mother to clean for you without discussing it, but I think you understand why that would annoy (and horrify!) some women now. It's not the crime of the century and I can see that you didn't think of it in the way that people have explained here. But you should still apologise for not discussing it with her.

It sounds like you have a far bigger issue with verbal abuse from your wife though. Can I suggest you post separately on the "Relationships" section about that? You'll get a lot of support for addressing that with her.

monkeywithacowface · 09/05/2016 13:37

You can of course refer to her as "the wife" if you want to but shit like that get's people's backs up and makes them less inclined to want to give helpful advice.

I would rather stab things in my eyes than let my MIL clean my house

Perbsy · 09/05/2016 13:41

I was a cleaner once, I new everything I didn't want to know about my employer's sex life.

BackforGood · 09/05/2016 13:44

I agree with the first reply. this is all about relationships. I can understand someone not wanting someone they know cleaning their house- I can understand the awkwardness. OTOH, I understand the fact you want someone you know and trust to be in your house, but also trust to do a good job.
Neither is right, Neither is wrong. Posters will be replying based on their relationship with their MiLs, which can be very different from your wife's relationship with her MiL. Clearly though, it would have been a good idea to run the idea past her first.

Original poster

IlikePercyPig · 09/05/2016 13:46

She calls me the husband sometimes when referring to me, I do apologise but it felt like you were jumping on something quite minor.

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 09/05/2016 13:51

Wait, she's verbally abusing you and taking the piss out of your disability?

That's not on.

Original poster

IlikePercyPig · 09/05/2016 13:55

I know, I'll speak with her when I get home.

She gets on very well with my mum so I'm confused as to why she's said what she has, I know I should have ran it by her but that's no excuse.

OP posts:

CoolforKittyCats · 09/05/2016 13:55

And no I'm not apologising, not after she's called me a cunt, fucking idiot, told me to man up and clean everything myself as she's too tired, oh and she's taking the piss out of my disability.

Completely unacceptable under any circumstances. No way she should be saying that.

In fact usually people are yelling LTB when those sorts of words are used....

BeautyQueenFromMars · 09/05/2016 13:56

I think you should have definitely spoken with your wife before asking your Mum to become your cleaner. I wouldn't have been happy with that either. However, if my husband had done this, I would have just told him that I wasn't happy with it and asked him to cancel any arrangements he'd already made. Your wife's response is way out of proportion, and no provocation is ever enough to justify taking the mickey out of a disability.

Catmuffin · 09/05/2016 13:57

And no I'm not apologising, not after she's called me a cunt, fucking idiot, told me to man up and clean everything myself as she's too tired, oh and she's taking the piss out of my disability.

Are you sure you want to be with this woman?

BeautyQueenFromMars · 09/05/2016 13:59

She gets on very well with my mum so I'm confused as to why she's said what she has, I know I should have ran it by her but that's no excuse.

She could be feeling humiliated, like you feel your Mum is a better housekeeper or you're comparing them. She could be feeling embarrassed that her MIL may think she's not capable of doing everything, or ashamed that you need help from others. It could be anything, and it's fine for her to feel any of the above, or upset for any other reason. It's definitely not fine for her to verbally abuse you though.

Littlelondoner · 09/05/2016 14:06

I think personally I would not like it. Always the awkward conversations that could present in future. Mum judging your mess and increased work at times. As in it has ended up taking her an extra hour say. She may feel incomfortabke asking for extra money. Or you thinking the cleaning is not upto usual standards or not happy about something your mum does. Both situations neither could say anything as it is family. So puts everyone in awkward situation.

CancelTheCheque · 09/05/2016 14:13

I'd be thrilled if oh's mum wanted to be our cleaner and absolutely horrified if someone proposed my mum do it. I really think it depends on that relationship whether it feels appropriate to someone. Maybe you can find some middle ground by explaining to your mum she's not comfortable with it and ask her to recommend someone else? That way it's not a total stranger but not a close family member either.

getlostdailyfail · 09/05/2016 14:21

I'm with your wife, there's absolutely no way I'd want my mother in law in my house cleaning and unaccompanied mooching around. Definitely not. Never.

OrangesandLemonsNow · 09/05/2016 14:30

And no I'm not apologising, not after she's called me a cunt, fucking idiot, told me to man up and clean everything myself as she's too tired, oh and she's taking the piss out of my disability.

That is absolutely not ok in any way shape or form!

Does she say these things often?

Onlyicanclean10 · 09/05/2016 14:30

What's the point of posters telling us all whether they would or wouldn't want their mil/mother cleaning for them. That's not the point is it as everyone has different relationships with each other.

Op you know you should have discussed it with your wife,
Your wife shouldn't be swearing at you.

I would get an independent cleaner and move forward although if my dh used language like that to me I would be devastated.

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